February 2023 – One Addicts Experience

Reservations and Relapse

Narcotics Anonymous talks about relapse in the literature. Relapse is not always about drugs. An early draft of the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous included this phrase.

In our daily lives, we are subject to emotional, environmental, intellectual, mental and spiritual relapses, causing us to become defenseless against the physical relapse of addiction.

Line numbered Grey Book, Review Copy, Printed February 1981, Memphis, Tenn., Page 125.

An approved version included this phrase;

In our daily lives we are subject to emotional and spiritual lapses, causing us to become defenseless against the physical relapse of drug use.

Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Line Numbered, Published 1982, Chapter 7, “Recovery and Relapse”, page 73

It was the experience of members who created our early literature. This shared experience of other members matched my experiences. Relapses has been a source of conflict for me in my recovery. I have been fortunate to not pick up drugs since I found Narcotics Anonymous, but I appreciate today that relapse can take many forms. I struggled with internal conflict. I flipped back and forth between contempt those who were not able to maintain their abstinence and self-loathing for my own lapses in behaviors. For years I quietly judged those who relapsed. Over time I came to appreciate addicts who kept coming back but I struggled to find acceptance of my own lapses. I hear the gossip and have felt the results of toxic cliques sitting in judgement. I don’t see things that way anymore.

Narcotics Anonymous Literature States That We Do Recover

Narcotics Anonymous literature tells me that relapse is a sign of a reservation. A sponsor of mine told me that reservations are anything that I put between me and my Higher Power’s will. Understanding my Higher Power’s will can be a challenge by itself without even considering the reservations that I am willing to admit to. Self-obsession, which is the core of the disease of addiction fills me with a sense of entitlement. I find myself wanting to take credit for my continued abstinence. I convince myself that I am doing the right things. On the other end of the pendulum, my struggle to accept my lapses in behaviors causes me to spiral downward into a path of self-obsessed behaviors. My ego tries to protect me from humility.

We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other to stay clean.

Little White Book, 1966, Page 1

The original literature referred to recovering and recovered addicts. This was changed by the NAWS Corporation and later printings do not distinguish clearly between the two words. The literature today has gotten away from the differences by using ‘recovering addicts.’ There are other examples of ‘complete recovery’ that have not been edited in later versions.

Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Line numbered Grey Book, Review Copy, 1981, Chapter 7, ‘Recovery and Relapse, page 118.

By the same token we have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Basic Text, 5th Edition, 1988, ‘Recovery and Relapse, Page 74

Complete Recovery

Members share that being clean is a miracle, and our literature talks about the ‘Grace of God’. There is something about the disease of addiction that causes me to deny that recovery is a gift. It can be terrifying to accept that the only reason I am clean is because of the benevolence of some higher power. My ego screams for acknowledgment. I try to convince myself that my efforts are somehow the reason I have been clean this long. I cry “I did everything right and I’m clean today because of it!” Secretly, I would deny the existence of a higher power in my life and avoid the responsibility that gift brings. I do not see complete recovery as a path to using drugs again. Complete recovery does not imply I am cured. I believe that complete recovery is simply a state of being where I am no longer using to change how I feel. I love hiking and often go but even hiking can become an obsession. If I surround myself with other addicts, our hiking endeavors could be a little clique where we maintain our lies and self-deception. I see today that it is important to understand the bigger picture.

Our Symbol

The outer circle denotes a universal and total program that has room within for all manifestations of the recovering and wholly recovered person.

Grey Book, 1981, Fellowship approved

The outer circle denotes a universal and total program that has room within it for all manifestations of the recovering person.

Basic Text, 5th Edition, 1988

These two lines, separated by 7 years highlight the division that we can create within our own fellowship. Members with decades of experience will take a stand on the inclusion or exclusion of the word recovered. Dividing points can create disunity. What has become important is that my personal recovery depends on NA unity; Tradition One.

Responsibility For My Recovery

When I can take responsibility for my recovery from the perspective of it being a gift, my perspective on the world changes. The decisions I make also change. I need to accept that I am worthy. That is hard because some days everything tells me that I am not worthy. I also see the reservations I hold differently as well. My reservations are no longer about my entitlement, but an acceptance of my higher power’s will. My world becomes larger when I stop seeing recovery as a personal accomplishment and more from a sense of community. Sacrifices that I make become easier because I am no longer plagued by self-obsession. My efforts in my recovery come from a place of abundance. My reservations fall away to ideas about unity and common welfare of others. I’m less directed by self and more directed by community. I am enough and I have enough.

Humility

Relapses in behaviors can be humbling and humility is the home of the recovered addict. Character defects and the accompanying actions, or shortcomings, are normal. I am not perfect. I might lapse in behaviors but with a desire to stop using, I can recover quickly. The awareness allows me to be a part of a community of other addicts. We meet regularly to help each other stay clean. That becomes part of my responsibility. I also take responsibility for the atmosphere of recovery found in the meetings I attend and the home group I support. It matters less and less with each passing day what circumstances I find in my life. Life brings many challenges but together with the support of a Fellowship, I can endure any hardship or share the abundance of any gift. Like a marathon runner, I can move between recovered and recovering. It has to do with my intentions, or perhaps a better perspective is that it is the intentions of my higher power. Some members get clean and enjoy all that life has to offer. They never completely recover. There are many distractions within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous that prevent me from “enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.” It is easy to hide in our cliques and avoid the acceptance of society. I cannot allow my gratitude for my life to cloud my responsibilities to a greater good. I can choose to be of service by working with others, carrying a message into the community, and carrying a message to the suffering addicts in and out of the rooms.

2023 Cult Agenda Report FIPT

The 2023 Conference Agenda Report (CAR) contains many lies perpetuated by the NAWS Corporation. Within the CAR report is one lie regarding the lawsuit with the Autonomous Region. The truth is that there is no lawsuit. To understand why The Corporation is lying, you must go back thirty years in the history of Narcotics Anonymous and learn about the Fellowship Intellectual Property Trust (FIPT).

Narcotics Anonymous formed a Board of Trustees in the 1960s, and a World Service Office in the 1970s. The first World Service Conference was in 1972 where Groups could meet to deal with the growing Fellowship. Members could quickly rise to leadership roles in the rapidly growing fellowship, particularly if they had been a member for a long time. the World Service Office (WSO), Inc (represented by a Board of Directors) and the Board of Trustees would eventually amalgamate to become the NAWS Corporation in 1998. Some members from that early time positioned themselves in Leadership roles within the service structures for Narcotics Anonymous for the wrong reasons.

Grateful Dave

Dave Moorhead, better known as ‘Grateful Dave’ successfully secured the rights of members and groups to freely print and distribute literature in a court of law. This fact is not well known to many members today. Dave was acting on the Group Conscience of his home group to produce and distribute NA literature. Many members and Groups were part of the free literature movement within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. The Corporation sued Dave as an individual. A settlement was reached on the advice of the presiding judge who sought to avoid a division within the Fellowship. Dave was interested in restoring unity and the corporation was interested in avoiding a long, costly legal battle. The Corporation entered into an agreement with Dave in 1990. The agreement was reached between the two parties at the encouragement of the Judge who presided over the court case. Judge Pollak also believed a legal battle would create a rift within the Fellowship. Unfortunately, the corporation failed to fulfill their legal obligations. Dave needed to pursue them in court but died before the corporation could be found in contempt of the court approved agreement. With Dave’s demise, there was no one to hold the corporation accountable. You can review many of the legal documents here at https://nahistorytree.com/wso-vs-moorhead/. There are additional resources at the Narcotics Anonymous Upper Cumberland Area website here http://www.nauca.us/na-historical-documents/history-of-the-basic-text/baby-blue/.

The Seeds of Disunity Grow

The prestige of those involved within the leadership of the corporation, and growing profits were now in jeopardy if the truth came out. Board members and longtime members were much sought after speakers at conventions. The corporate travel budget was growing as rapidly as were the egos of those involved in mapping the Future of the NAWS Corporation. There were regional leaders who support NAWS and supported the addiction to power across the United States. Some of those who believed in Narcotics Anonymous were turned off by the lack of spiritual principles displayed. Many simply returned to the front lines of Narcotics Anonymous to support groups and carry the message to newcomers. Power is a dangerous drug particularly to those with a history of addiction. Support for the World Service Conference was already eroding. Fewer groups participate with each passing year. Support of the corporation earned you respect and privileges from the leadership structures created.

To combat the truth, the Corporation created a document called the Fellowship Intellectual Property Trust. This document was created by the corporation to create the illusion that they were the sole trustees of the Narcotics Anonymous logos, images and literature. Trusts are created to protect the Trustor, by empowering the trustee to act on behalf of the trustor. The first executive director of the corporation needed to be eliminated because of the insider knowledge he held. His name was Bob Stone and he was fired without cause. There are details of corruption in his book ‘My Years with Narcotics Anonymous’ available here http://www.nauca.us/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/1997-My-Years-With-NA-by-Bob-Stone.pdf. He died under suspicious circumstances as the book was being written and edited. It was published after his death. You can read details of his life here at https://nahistorytree.com/bob-stone/. Clearly defined leadership roles within a spiritual organization can lead to abuse of power. Many cults come from unhealthy power structures within spiritual organizations.

I documented my own experiences in my book, ‘Cult of NAWS’

I feel very grateful to have experienced the cult mentality of some members. The Merriam/Webster Dictionary online offers one definition of cult as;

“a system for the cure of disease based on dogma set forth by its promulgator”

[https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cult]

I had to look up promulgator as well.

“(law) one who promulgates laws (announces a law as a way of putting it into execution)”

“law, jurisprudence – the collection of rules imposed by authority; ‘civilization presupposes respect for the law’; ‘the great problem for jurisprudence to allow freedom while enforcing order’”

“lawgiver, lawmaker – a maker of laws; someone who gives a code of laws”

[https://www.thefreedictionary.com/promulgator]

I cringed when I read this because of my own behaviors. Some days I feel terrible about myself because I was caught up in ego and no longer sharing my experience, strength and hope. I often become a promulgator. My humility opened the door to empathy to others who suffered in a similar way.
‘Cult of NAWS’, Available on Amazon

FIPT Failure

The FIPT was an ineffective tool. The Free Literature Movement within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous grew because the corporation could not enforce the FIPT in court. Overseas, far from the corporation, the Fellowship continued to grow as well. Iran began translating and distributing a significant amount of literature as early as 1998 without the knowledge or consent of the Corporation. Brazil also translated and produced significant amounts of literature. Literature development, translation and distribution increased globally outside the sphere of the corporation. The corporation consolidated its power base by using profits to maintain their image and increase the divide within the Fellowship as the years went by. There were more trips abroad to secure the illusion of control. Like the flying monkeys within the Wizard of OZ movie, corporate supporters will fly into action when the actions of the corporation are questioned. The one thing that corporation cannot combat is the truth.

The South Florida Region requested an audit in 2017 which anyone can review details of here;

http://www.nauca.us/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/2017-08-29-NAWS-Denial-of-So.-Fla.-Inspection-Reqst..pdf.

This was within the guidelines of the FIPT at the time. After a very long delay, the South Florida Region was granted a limited review which allowed them to document issues but an in-depth analysis was never granted.

The Corporation seeks to revise the FIPT

The FIPT is currently being updated and NAWS Supporters will be encouraged to adopt the recommendations of the Board of Directors at the 2023 Conference. This will close down the ability of a single region to review the actions of the trustee ever again. This will likely pass as the World Service Conference. The corporation and corporate supporters are largely unopposed. Very few participate in the voting process anymore.

We continue to meet regularly to help each other

The Free Literature Movement, and members worldwide will continue to ignore the corporate promoted greed. It was those members who saved the Fellowship during the pandemic by quickly adapting the Fellowship to a virtual platform. Hundreds or perhaps thousands of members gave up significant time and money to save hundreds of thousands of addicts globally. All literature is available online for free now in defiance of the corporation. The production of independent literature grows. There are service structures that act outside the corporate sphere, like www.virtual-na.org and https://bmlt.app/what-is-the-bmlt/.

The Petitioner

In 2020, the Autonomous Region filed a petition to the courts of California where the Trust is held. The petition is to have the courts examine the actions of the Trustee (The NAWS Corporation) in their actions with regards to the trust. When challenged, a trustee must be able to show their actions are in the best interest of the trustor, and not for their own interest. We often see the abuse of trustees exposed on TV and in newspapers. The Autonomous Region was not able to make a presentation in court as their standing within the trust was questioned. The attorneys for the NAWS corporation argued that the Autonomous Region did not represent the interests of the Trustor and could not question the actions of the Trustee. This appeal was upheld by the courts. This does not mean that the corporation is not in violation of the trust. A simple examination would release the corporation of perceived bias, but they are unwilling to see their actions exposed.

Help

Narcotics Anonymous was born in 1953. A small group of people who identified themselves as addicts started to meet regularly. Some came from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and believed that the program could adapted to help other addicts. There was little evidence that AA was helping addicts in a significant way. Those early members discussed what needed to change and what was working. New groups began to form based on the same principles adopted by that first group. Members are encouraged to support a particular group. It becomes your ‘home group’. During the early stages of growth, some members and groups wanted to try and create literature to help other individuals and groups. One of the earliest examples of literature was called the ‘Buff Book’ or ‘Brown Book’. It was published in 1956 and it contained a line;

We of Narcotics Anonymous are exactly like you. We are a group of addicts who meet regularly to help each other obtain and maintain our sobriety and to stay clean.

You can view the final 1956 publication here.

I have come to believe that helping each other is a critical concept of Narcotics Anonymous and reflected a great deal in early literature. I recently started to look at this idea of helping others and the growing trend away from this principle that many see in our Fellowship.

The Little White Book

The next major writing project of the Fellowship was called the Little White Book(LWB). The LWB was highly regarded by many members. The LWB would be used as the foundation for a book length piece of literature called the Basic Text that was published 20 years later in 1983. A 1962 revisions draft of the LWB contained the lines;

If we would live we must be free of all forms of selfishness. Self-love, self-condemnation, false pride, self-pity and self-centeredness are gradually removed, as we become aware of new values in our lives.

And;

We feel that our approach to our problem is completely realistic – for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another to recover, is without parallel. We feel too, that it is practical, for it takes one addict to thoroughly understand another, and it is in helping each other that we find it possible, to maintain a happy way of life.

Some of these phrases made it into the 1962 publication of the LWB and these ideals are repeated today in literature. The idea of helping others inspired early members to grow the Fellowship. Some members and groups also met to further develop literature by freely giving of their ideas, money and time which resulted in the early development of information pamphlets. The LWB was distributed freely to members or at cost. Sometimes Groups or members would cover the printing and distribution costs. There was a culture of helping others present in the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

Self-love

It is difficult in today’s culture of recovery to see self-love as a form of selfishness. I believe that the experiences shared in NA today are more about “help yourself” despite the literature saying we meet regularly to help each other. For some members, the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship has become a big distraction from our primary purpose of carrying the message to suffering addicts. Some members refer to Narcotics Anonymous as an aftercare program when they are done with treatment. ‘I need a meeting’ is uttered by members and can sound like an addict looking for their next fix. I have been lulled into complacency by becoming self-absorbed and losing focus on the reason I attend regularly. Being clean and enjoying life can be as attractive as any drug. I try and maintain a balance between my needs and the needs of others. Sometimes my behaviors feel like I’m using when I interact with others. I sometimes spend more on coffee for the meeting than what I contribute at the meeting to the 7^th tradition basket. That bothers me but I also need to find a balance and appreciate all that my higher power has allowed me to have and to be.

Using

Tradition 3 says we must have a desire to stop using if we are to remain a member. Awareness of self must be balanced with awareness of others in my experience. As I recover, I have become more aware of my using. I usually start my day with coffee as a stimulant. I appreciate when others share about other ways to live, free from any mind-altering substances. I made a choice today to use coffee but I gave up the accompanying cigarette almost a decade ago. I also appreciate those who choose another way to live and share that experience. Using coffee may be innocent but there are other forms of using that are less attractive, and sometimes quite destructive. I like telling people ‘How things are done here in NA’ because it feels good to use my clean time like a weapon. I easily develop contempt for others. Unique solutions and different ways of doing things cause me to judge. I have learned that making mistakes has benefits. I no longer see myself as a guardian of what is right in NA. I have contempt, but I do not have to act on it anymore. I try to be entirely ready to have my higher power remove this shortcoming in any situation.

Using can become a new way of life for some addicts. Trading one addiction for another is in our literature. I often hear that experience shared by other members as they continue to use but they may not see what I see. Some members form cliques based on lifestyles, beliefs, and behaviors that look a lot like using. I often hear of members who are excluded from these cliques and have experienced that myself. I so wanted to be a part of the cliques that my behaviors became like using. I visited people and tried to make friends without realizing I was never going to be a part of. Using people attract people who are using. There were disastrous results for me. People have used me to help them move and women have used me to make their partners jealous. Some members will call me to draw support for their service motions which is a form of manipulation and is simply another form of using. People use their knowledge of the traditions to shape other people’s perceptions without regard for Group Conscience. Group Conscience is how we put aside our opinions and work with other addicts. A Group Conscience is my greatest weapon against my using when it comes to my home group.

Taking Responsibility for My Recovery

The only requirement for membership in Narcotics Anonymous is a desire to stop using. Narcotics Anonymous does not require you participate or willingly help others but simply showing up regularly is of benefit. Members may be unable or unwilling to stop using despite long periods of abstinence. I might be frustrated with some behavior, but I have never wished someone would stop attending. This has allowed me to develop healthy boundaries and benefits me in my life outside of recovery. I cannot judge your desire to stop using. Sometimes what I see as using is nothing more than another way of living. Taking responsibility for my own recovery is a powerful tool as I grow spiritually. I am careful with the people I include in my life today but I am willing to communicate with anyone.

The Group

A minority of members support the using of literature profits by the NAWS Corporation to carry a message. Other members oppose this by using free literature for the same purpose. Every controversial choice we make as individuals separates us from other members. The same is true of Groups. Addicts are unlikely to agree on everything as a Fellowship. One group might sign attendance sheets for court ordered addicts, and another group opposes the practice. The autonomy of groups lets me dictate what I want to participate in. When I join a group, Tradition 1 says my personal recovery depends on unity. Putting aside my ideas and surrendering to a Group Conscience has been a great benefit in my recovery. My best intentions are no match for the will of a higher power. I also have the option of choosing a different group. The choices we make as groups and individuals are influenced by not only our desire to stop using but also our decision to continue to use. It is God’s will or my will. I need to choose carefully.