Spiritual Principles – One Addicts Experience

Actions of My Obsessions

I find that the most difficult aspect of the disease of addiction is obsessive thoughts. The obsessions combined with compulsive behaviors fueled many strange and unusual situations in my life. I believe that attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings finally broke the cycle of acting on compulsive behaviors. I found freedom by listening to others and sharing my experiences. Today I can identify my thoughts and choose to act differently. I still suffer from the disease of addiction but I did not have to act on every impulsive behavior. I see that the actions of my obsessions is using. I have heard many addicts share that first we stop using, then we lose the desire to use, and finally achieve a new way to live. I realized the extent of the disease when I was over fourteen years clean. I found myself alone, caught in lies and self-deception and nowhere to turn to. Alone, I ended up spiraling out of control. I found a solution in my desperation. The solution was found in the Primary Purpose of Narcotics Anonymous.

Primary Purpose

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter two, ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?’

Staying clean by attending meetings was and remains primary to my recovery. I must look at my life with fresh eyes each day. Complacency is the enemy of members with two days or two decades clean. It is simply not enough to attend a meeting. I need to actively engage in recovery and that means helping others. Helping others can be a challenge. I am still prone to delusional thoughts that trap me in cyclical thinking. That is why I maintain a relationship with a Home Group. I surround myself with members who have a desire to stop using. Using drugs brought me to NA but now I am aware that using involves lots of different behaviors. I have fallen into the trap of surrounding myself with addicts who are using; people, places and things will distract any of us from recovery. The literature says ‘Tell us about your problem and how we can help’; If you are unwilling or blind to the problems in your life or the lives of those around you, how am I able to help? Not every home group member has a desire to stop using. Some members are self-seekers. Narcotics Anonymous literature talks about the Self-Seeker.

Self-Seeker; a person who primarily pursues their own interest or selfish ends.
From https://www.dictionary.com

It is not that surprising to find self-seekers in NA. Narcotics Anonymous states that ‘self-obsession’ as the core of the disease. I am careful with who is in my life today. It is easy to end up within a group of self-seekers. You need look no further than the social cliques that form in everyday life. Addicts pretend they are in recovery by surrounding themselves with people who enjoy similar pursuits. The result is hundreds attending a convention and only a few attending a service committee. It is easy to convince myself that I’m not using if my friends are doing the same things.

However, many will become the role models for newcomers to follow while…the self-seekers soon find they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster to themselves. Many of them change; they learn we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, ‘Tradition Two’

Home Group

The Home Group relationships I have are the most important ones in my life today. I cannot control who joins a group but I can control who is in my social circles. I find myself turning away from the conflicts within the Home Group and seeking solstice within my social cliques. A subtle change in my attention is all the distraction my disease needs. My personal recovery depends on unity and that is best found in my home group. I can manipulate the people in my social circle. A home group is the best representation of a higher power in my life, and the greatest source of spiritual growth. There is strength in diversity. My disease will reject this and using people, places and things become my obsession. Eventually the cliques fail to feed my addiction and my isolation grows.

This is our road to spiritual growth. We change every day…to gradually, carefully and simply pull ourselves out of the isolation and loneliness of addiction into the mainstream of life. This comes not from wishing, but from action and prayer. The main objective of Step Seven is to get out of ourselves and strive for achieving the will of our Higher Power.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, ‘Step Seven’

I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society when I can strip myself of dishonesty and self-deception. I have found freedom from the disease. I have become peaceful. The best vehicle for expressing love is in my relationships with society.

Arrested

The disease concept of addiction treatment was quite new in the 1950’s. Many alcoholics had achieved sobriety by attending Alcoholics Anonymous since the 1930’s. The version of Narcotics Anonymous many of us know today started in 1953. A small number of addicts also achieved success in AA. A few addicts believed that the Twelve Step program could be adapted for addicts. It was rare that addicts found recovery in AA and many addicts were discouraged from attending AA meetings. For alcoholics who had found sobriety, the answer was quite simple.

Alcoholics Anonymous – How It Works

Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
Reprinted from the book Alcoholics Anonymous ® Copyright © 1939, 1955, 1976, 2001 by A.A. World Services, Inc.

I briefly attended AA meetings early in my recovery. I believed that success in AA was achieved by becoming honest and sobriety was measured in time free from actively using alcohol. I was also attending NA meetings. This formula for success did not seem to work well for addicts. I felt comfortable in NA. I gave up on AA and dedicated myself to NA. The formula for success in NA was much harder to define.

After coming to N.A. we realized we were sick people who suffered from a disease like Alcoholism, Diabetes or Tuberculosis. There is no known “Cure” for these-all however, can be arrested at some point and “Recovery” is then possible.
Narcotics Anonymous, Little White Book, published in 1966, ‘Why Are We Here?’

NA was quite new when this was written but already enjoying success. I was told that an addict who did not use today was a miracle. There were a lot of suggestions. Avoid people, places and things that I associated with using. Attend meetings regularly. Try and find a sponsor to guide me through the steps. Find a home group and participate in the group actively. Try and help; be of service to others. I did stop using drugs, I did what was suggested and it felt like recovery had become possible. I also knew that the disease did not always feel like it was arrested, and recovery seemed unfathomable some days.

Dying To Help

There is a scene many addicts have seen over and over at meetings. One member struggles to do one of the readings. They might be new and unfamiliar with the language, have limited reading skills, or maybe some ailment that makes reading difficult. At the same time, another addict might leave in frustration. Addicts attending the meeting might empathize with one side or the other. Some listen to support the member doing the reading and others want a clear message of recovery. There are other dramas that unfold. Emotional attachments to ideas or beliefs seem to force many of us to take a stand on what we see as right or wrong. Sometimes my addiction is so powerful that I cannot accept new ideas or behaviors. I have learned that many addicts are simply trying to help in the best way that they can. Others are here to simply help themselves with little regard for fellow addicts. The reasons we behave the way we do are as varied as the addicts who attend. The Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text offers this warning.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7 – ‘Recovery and Relapse’.

Those who willingly or unwillingly choose to help themselves can become role models. Obsessive and compulsive behaviors can be attractive. Unity suffers as a result. Using becomes a choice but it is not always about drugs. Addiction takes many forms.

This Sixth Tradition goes on to warn us what may happen: “lest problems of money, property or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.” These often-become obsessions and shut us off from our spiritual aim. For the individual, this type of abuse can be devastating; for the group, it can be disastrous. When we as a group waiver from our primary purpose, addicts die who might have found recovery.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 6 – ‘The Twelve Traditions, Tradition Six’.

Anonymity and Anonymous

Most of us eventually learn to say ‘anonymity’ and ‘autonomous’ but few understand the meaning of either. Member shares about either and this can be a convoluted mess of self-deception. As addicts, we seem to be quick to form opinions. We become twisted with emotions even over something simple like doing a reading and the meanings of our phrases. I understand today that our literature is accurate. We are sick people, but the disease can be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible. The arrest of the disease is as mysterious as the addicts who live with it. Some walk in clean to their first meeting and never look back. Others struggle for days, months or even years. I have spent time in judgement of those who struggled. I would form opinions about what was lacking in their program. Members will exchange looks when someone is ‘coming back’ again and again. The judgements and opinions of others I formed were disastrous to myself and my group.

I believe in the Grace of God and the miracle of a life free from drugs. I also believe that anyone attending NA can achieve that miracle. Even before I found NA, I had experienced moments of Grace. I did not always recognize these moments as Grace. I never knew what to do with that Grace.

The second part says that ‘recovery is then possible’. My interest in ‘Fellowship’ is knowing if you have a desire to stop using. After that initial surrender I see many addicts who are happy to continue using. Narcotics Anonymous can be a big dysfunctional smorgasbord of distractions. You can see hundreds attending a convention and two attending a service commitment within the same geographical area. Addiction knows no boundaries.

There are too many sides in too many battles. We fight about the meaning of literature. We battle with people who are ‘clean and sober’. We argue about Medically Assisted Treatment (Suboxone/Methadone). We battle about who decides what is right and wrong. We battle with those who try to govern. The drama of it all keeps me from engaging in ‘Fellowship’. I avoid gatherings. For many years I tried to be a part of, but I came to see how toxic a culture exists in the many cliques and gatherings. I might be the sickest member in the room, but I keep to myself and try to help when I can. My recovery is service to others. You have to tell me what you want to do about your problem and how I can help.

The Grace of God

God

The concept of God is a difficult hurdle for many people who come to twelve step programs. Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual organization and the literature refers to the word God. In AA, they expanded the concept by offering a ‘God of your understanding’ and most twelve step programs have adopted that concept for themselves. Narcotics Anonymous literature refers to a ‘Higher Power’. I believe that regardless of what beliefs you arrive with, you will need to come to terms with the idea of some power greater than yourself. My personal beliefs when I arrived at my first twelve step meeting was that God, spiritual beliefs, mysticism, and the whole concept of a spiritual existence was for weak minded people who needed a crutch. I did have some beliefs that I accepted as possible once I qualified my answers. I needed to have a lengthy explanation to justify my beliefs. I was willing to admit that some people might be psychic, and ghosts sounded plausible. When I was sarcastic, I would say that prayer was an excellent way to spend time until your plane impacts the side of a mountain. At the time, I wouldn’t say I was cynical but looking back I believed that God had never done anything for me, hadn’t been a factor in my life and wasn’t likely to appear any time soon. When I hit bottom, I did have an awakening to the idea that my life was wildly out of control, and I was a mess. I went to my first meeting, expecting nothing, with little hope, and perhaps open to the possibility of some relief. I didn’t expect to find help for someone like me. Even if God existed, there were many people who were more deserving of help. I had heard the words, “God’s Grace” but never really given it much thought.

Compassion

The ‘Grace of God’ is hard to define without the heavy religious overtones of our Christian based society. For this article, I will use the definition of Grace as unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. Both the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the original manuscript for the Basic Text used in Narcotics Anonymous referenced the Grace of God. The latest version of the Basic Text published by the NAWS Corporation still mentions God’s Grace in the ‘How It Works’ section; Step Eleven. It’s a touchy subject with many people but the concept of Grace from a higher power isn’t exclusive to Christianity. In Buddhism, they have the idea of a bodhisattva. This is a person who has achieved the capacity to obtain enlightenment and become a buddha, but in an act of great compassion chooses to remain in this realm and work to end the suffering of the masses – the act itself is Grace. Hinduism refers to Kripa and Hellenism (Greek mysticism) refers to Kharis. Grace is what I was offered when I arrived at the rooms, what I learned in doing the steps, and what I try and extend to all. IF you are uncomfortable with the idea of a God then think of Grace as nothing more than compassion offered regardless of the situation. Think of how the world would be if compassion was at the front of each passing moment.

Eighty-Four Days

The most powerful story I have ever read in recovery was titled Eighty-Four Days. It was published in the Iranian Narcotics Anonymous journal called Payam Behboodi. It’s a letter from a prisoner in jail about his gratitude for eighty-four days clean and how we as recovering addicts should work together and help each other. His gratitude is also for the will of God. His death was by hanging the next morning as punishment for the crimes he had committed. I found a connection with the powerful message. I often feel as if I am in a self-imposed prison. My character defects and shortcomings have always prevented me from being a part of things. I am difficult to get to know, difficult to be around and have little interest in the world around me. My struggles are with Self, as is the case for many in recovery. Having done a set of steps I also know I have assets and have provided for my family for many years. I also contribute in many ways to society. I might never be rich or successful but I have always managed to provide for my family. I have much in my life to be grateful for. I go to meetings and listen to one speaker after another share about their gratitude for what recovery has given them. They talk about their support group, or their vacations and possessions as if those are important. My belief is that gratitude we share in recovery is reserved for our higher power, however you want to define that. The vacations, new cars or luxuries might be nothing more than self-obsession and ultimately, that is the core of the disease of addiction. My gratitude speaks with Grace that I extend to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and society at large. Ultimately, the gratitude that carries the strongest message is selfless service. I like to promote unity by working with anyone and including everyone. The Twelve Traditions we study in twelve step programs gave us the tools to ensure our focus is not on our personal relationships with our friends but with all of society. I believe that gratitude grows as our Grace grows. The Grace of God isn’t easy, it is a desperate hand extended to another off a ledge that they find themselves hanging from. The key to Grace is the ‘unmerited’ aspect, the courtesy I extend beyond what I feel is warranted or deserved. It is a part of what makes my service so valuable. Grace is the action of gratitude.

A Bigger Picture

How well your twelve step support group functions, and the service structures they create to support the groups comes from the Grace of God in my belief. It’s very easy to fall into cliques and form micro groups of support around common interests or beliefs, and exclude those we disapprove of. The twelve-step group is the core of my recovery. The relationships I form within my group, and how I treat others IS the basis of my recovery. It’s from these relationships that I can provide Grace to others. The gratitude that comes from that connection with my higher power is the only gratitude that matters in recovery. We are selling a new way of life that costs everything and nothing. Gratitude for what I have achieved in my recovery is not a magical elixir I can bottle and transfer to another. Friendships, lifestyle and a dizzying array of choices await many of us as we get clean but it’s all meaningless to someone who’s new or someone who is on the verge of dying. When my journey started, I was attracted to the message and the feeling of be a part of something. What I keep for myself when I share my recovery is true gratitude and a belief in the process.

There is a gratitude that arises from my relationship with the God of my understanding, who guides me and gives me strength. It might be the only gratitude some members will ever achieve. My support group do a daily group text by cellphone of 5 things we are grateful for and it has been a difficult process for me. I really want to focus on all the things that I am grateful for like relationships, sunny days and the smell of rain. I have come to accept that in turning my life and my will over to God in Step Three, I need to focus on my gratitude for my higher power’s will for me, and the strength that comes to me. Compassion for another is a gift for myself and does more to restore my own worth than anything I could acquire on my own.

Sick People

In about 2016 I had hit a low point in my recovery. I realized I had replaced drugs with lifestyle. A using addict attracts addicts who are using. It was a very subtle transition over years of trying to ‘be a part of’ and ‘fit in’ with the Fellowship. I found myself alone, shunned from service and abandoned by fake friends. I was suicidal and it felt like I was hitting bottom again. The difference was I knew that Narcotics Anonymous works. I had seen it happen to me and to many people around me. I understood that I had earned a seat, even if the entire room felt like it was against me. I have often found myself in uncomfortable places, so this was not a new feeling. I suppose some people would have walked away, but I really believed in NA and wanted to understand what had happened.

I used to travel a short distance for work and participated in a local Fellowship, but the loss of my job forced me to start fresh in a nearby Fellowship. I was unemployed and had nothing but free time. At that time the local Fellowship was experiencing a flood of activity and interest in NA. Our service committees were full, newcomers arrived regularly, and meetings were magical experiences. I sometimes felt like God had provided a special place for me to heal. This lasted for more than two years before it died out. I felt a renewed sense of purpose during that time.

I started writing and started to rebuild my life on a foundation of surrender. I had a few addicts who still talked to me and found refuge with newcomers who made me feel welcome. Many newcomers went out of their way to make me feel a part of. One resource was members and former members I would run into who had similar experiences. I was starting to understand why so few were of service. Many addicts grow disillusioned and drift away. I started to understand the lack of support for services and the stagnation that exists in North American NA Fellowships. I wrote about my opinions and feelings. I became a voice for other addicts.

Complete Recovery and Acceptance with Society

I joined a local non-profit board involved in mental health and addictions. I found a new place to practice these principles and experienced what it was like to be a part of society. I found relationships that had never existed for me in the NA Fellowship. People liked me and welcomed my company. I received phone calls, visitors, and friendship. There is a line in Chapter 7 of the Basic Text that kept coming back to me; “Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.” Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of sick people. I am surprised today that I expected to be treated well.

Non-profit boards consist of volunteer board members, a paid Executive Director and sometimes a paid administrative assistant. The board is responsible to the members of the non-profit society they serve. Sometimes board members are elected at an annual general meeting. Often board members are voted in by the other board members. The ED reports to the board and follows the direction of the board. The administrative assistant, and all the other staff of the society report to the ED. My boss was the society. I was an unpaid volunteer. The whole board discussed and voted to guide the actions of the ED. It seemed like a simple formula and not much different than what I had learned being of service in Narcotics Anonymous.

I went to my first board meeting. I was nervous and sweating but the other people made me feel welcome. I had read the reports. I was eager to participate. After the ED reviewed their report, I asked a question but the ED’s assistant shut me down. This person questioned my right to ask the question I was raising. I was shocked. It felt like the familiar sting of trauma I had left behind in service to NA months ago. I remember thinking ‘here we go again.’ Was I the problem? To my surprise, the others jumped to my defense and the question was allowed. The rest of the board meeting went well.

The second board meeting was uneventful but the third was a repeat of the first. I was shocked be shut down again by the same assistant. Again, the other board members came to my defense and this time a formal apology was written addressed to me. I met with the person, and we talked about our conflict. I let them know I appreciated the apology. This was not Narcotics Anonymous service, and these people were healthy. We resolved our differences and eventually became friends. I felt like I had found a home outside of NA and a place to serve. Being of service is critical to my recovery but it does not mean that I must be of service in NA. There are lots of places where I find addicts in service.

Being of Service

I noticed that healthy non-profit societies had fewer problems with membership and volunteers. Conversations with people are easy today. I grew in my ability to be a part of. I found friends. I joined other boards and found new places to volunteer. I lost all feeling of anxiety that had plagued me my whole life.

I still attend NA meetings regularly. I try to be honest and open in my dealings with the people in my life today. I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society. I know it is important that I am vigilant. The phrase ‘being in recovery’ means something different for me today. I have developed a good sense of who I am. I continue to develop the skills required to apply spiritual principles in my life. There is a third factor that could be the most critical aspect of being in recovery and that is the people I surround myself with. We meet regularly to help each other. NA is not a self-help program.

I no longer rely on sick people. I do not believe you can surround yourself with sick people and stay healthy. Part of the solution was coming to the realization that all addicts are sick people. I’m a sick person too. I thought about the solution for a long time. I have an answer that works for me today and I found it by hiking.

Hiking groups are like the Groups you find in Narcotics Anonymous. Some are full of sick people. I hike with people who have a desire to hike. I try not to make people hike but encourage anyone to try hiking. I like hiking groups, but I do not have to like all hiking groups. I try and hike with people as part of a group. I like to make sure that everyone makes it to the top and back out. It is important to me to be inclusive. If a hike is advertised as a ‘no dogs allowed’, and someone shows up with a dog, I have no problem speaking up. A hiking group might have sick people, but a strong, diverse group has lots of voices. I feel comfortable having a voice then. All the spiritual principles I have learned can be applied to a hiking group. The same holds true for Narcotics Anonymous. I support two NA home groups. I don’t even know some home group members by name. Hopefully we all have a voice. I show up with an attitude of gratitude and a willingness to be of service. I avoid the self-seekers and the sick members full of dishonesty and self-deception.

Unity and Autonomy

Autonomy is the right to govern oneself and one’s actions. I spent a lot of time in early recover learning about my behaviors and accepting the consequences of those behaviors. I learned to take responsibility for my life. I grew in my autonomy by accepting responsibility. The more responsibility I took on, the stronger my autonomy became. I also learned that being a part of a group improved the quality of my life. The character defects that I live with sometimes present themselves when I work with others. I have accepted that I have a lot of contempt for myself and others. The consequences of that defect are self-loathing and isolation. The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous helped me develop new tools to deal with life and The Twelve Traditions gave me the ability to work well with others. As I practiced the spiritual principles, my defects became less of an issue. Both my personal and my group’s autonomy are improved when I can put aside my ego. The knowledge of a Higher Power’s Will provides the guidance I need when considering my actions in personal and group decisions. Faith also becomes critical to my acceptance of life on life’s terms. I no longer need to try to control every outcome. I can make decisions that go against my will by allowing my Higher Power to guide me. My personal recovery depends on NA Unity. Our literature reminds me that dishonesty and self-deception prevent me from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance in society. Honesty, open mindedness, and willingness are the foundations of my recovery today.

Autonomy

The word ‘Autonomy’ is mentioned five times in the Second Edition of the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous. All five references are a part of the Fourth Tradition:

“Each Group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting other Groups, or N.A. as a whole.”
Narcotics Anonymous, Fourth Tradition

The first paragraph of the Fourth Tradition defines ‘Autonomy’ for the group as:

“The autonomy of our groups is necessary for our survival. A dictionary defines autonomous as “having the right or power of self-government…undertaken or carried on without outside control.” This means our groups are self-governing and are not subject to outside control. Every group has had to stand and grow on its own.”
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Fourth Tradition.

This paragraph has remained unchanged in many versions of the Basic Text. Tradition Two defines the “ultimate authority of a group is a loving God as he may express himself in our Group Conscience.” What other authorities exist?

Other Authorities

It has been difficult for me to accept other authorities in my life. The longer I am clean, the stronger my sense of entitlement to having an opinion. Complacency is a smug sense of satisfaction with oneself and the enemy of every addict with clean time. I have learned to rely on the God of my understanding. I am open to different viewpoints. I need to look at my relationships when I find myself alone in service.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Second Tradition.

“Those of us who have been involved in service or in founding an NA group sometimes have a hard time letting go. Egos and unfounded pride and self-will would destroy a group if given authority. We must remember that offices have been placed in trust, that we are trusted servants and that at no time do any of us govern. Narcotics Anonymous is a God-given Program, and we can maintain our group in dignity only through our group conscience and God’s love.”
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Second Tradition.

‘At no time do any of us govern’ is a good reminder for those of us with strong opinions and big personalities. I know I need to keep my mouth shut more often than I do.

Services

Services are mentioned in the Fourth Tradition. Services are “the result of members who care enough to offer help and experience so that our road may be easier.” Members outside the Group might offer help and their experience to guide the decisions of the Group, but that does not mean that they govern. The Fourth Tradition tells us that Leaders are trusted servants and do not govern. Services have no authority over the actions of the Group.

Members

Each Home Group member can be guided by their personal commitment to Step Three. A member may decide that the actions of the Group go against their personal beliefs or the will of their Higher Power. The reasons for leaving a Group are as varied as the addicts who attend. I have struggled with the decisions of every Home Group I have participated in. I am free to come and go from any group. My participation in NA does not require that I agree with every decision a group makes, or with popular opinion. Tradition Three offers that I only need to have a desire to stop using. Sometimes I find myself using my clean time, my experiences or my opinions to separate myself from other members of Narcotics Anonymous. I always have the choice to be a “part of”. I understand that my personal recovery depends on NA unity, regardless of popular opinion and how I feel about those opinions. Ultimately the group decisions come back to the Group Conscience.

Exceptions to Group Autonomy

Tradition Four does mention exceptions. Groups are free to do as they like except as it affects ‘other groups or NA as a whole’. I have not found any exceptions to the authority of a Higher Power in my life. I have found myself faced with conflicting choices. I made decisions and accepted the consequences. I regret some choices when I later reflect on them. Did I choose poorly or did my Higher Power have a lesson for me to learn? God’s Will is not always clear even after the decision is made. The same could be said for a Group.

Some groups choose to sign verification papers for court ordered attendance. Other groups see this as a clear violation of several traditions. Who decides which groups are right and which are wrong?

Bob Stone was an early executive director of the World Service Office and an early organizer of the World Service Conferences for Narcotics Anonymous. Bob did not identify as an addict. He wrote a book entitled ‘My Years in NA.’ In this book he detailed that several groups maintained urine screening policies for speakers and members in the 1970’s.

“It would seem that we, in our groups, can do whatever we decide regardless of what anyone says. This is partly true. Each group does have complete freedom, except when their actions affect other groups or N.A. as a whole. Like group conscience, autonomy can be a two-edged sword. Group autonomy has been used to justify the violation of the Traditions. If a contradiction exists, we have slipped away from our principles. If we check to make sure that our actions are clearly within the bounds of our Traditions; If we do not dictate to other groups, or force anything upon them; and if we consider the consequences of our action ahead of time, then all will be well.”
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Fourth Tradition, Last Paragraph.

All will be well is a good indication of where Narcotics Anonymous is today. Contradiction does exist but individual Groups are thriving on a global scale. Both Unity and Autonomy can exist in Narcotics Anonymous. Look at some of the organizations that fall under the category of services.

The NAWS Corporation

The NAWS Corporation claims to control the Intellectual Property Rights for all Groups, despite limited endorsement by the Groups themselves. Very few Groups participate in the World Service Conference. WSC Motions on policy presented by the NAWS corporation see little support from Groups. Sales of Corporate-produced literature remain stagnant after thirty years. Supporters of the NAWS Corporation have been trying to promote the false claim of a ‘Collective Group Conscience.’ Some service bodies that support the NAWS Corporation provide free access to copywrite literature in violation of Corporate policies.

BMLT

The BMLT (Basic Meeting List Toolbox) is an independent organization of members who generously volunteer their time and efforts to produce accurate meeting lists for websites and hardcopy PDF files. They are very responsive to the groups they serve and are a shining example of what is possible. Support by Groups for the BMLT could be as high as one third of the known Groups and surpass said support for by the NAWS Corporation.

Virtual-NA.org

Virtual-NA.org saved the lives of hundreds of thousands of addicts during the recent Global Pandemic. This online resource provided dependable, 24-hour access to thousands of NA meetings weekly, despite a lack of recognition by most service bodies and the NAWS Corporation. Virtual-NA has grown to over three thousand Groups and there is little indication of a decline with the Pandemic coming to an end.

Anonymous Free Press

Anonymous Free Press is a member-driven initiative to produce an electronic magazine. They operate independently of any service structures, utilizing the NA name without the approval of the NAWS Corporation, but with full support of a growing list of members. Membership has surged to over five hundred after only three editions.

For All Intents and Purposes

My purpose in coming to Narcotics Anonymous was to explore a solution to a problem that had presented itself in my life. My purpose in using drugs had been lost for many years. Using drugs was a solution that no longer had a problem. I came to realize that using created some of the problems in my life and likely played a role in all the problems. I can tell you how I got high to fit in, or sometimes it was to escape reality. There were a lot of reasons, but I could not figure out why I wanted to get high anymore. Using had become a compulsion. While my purpose in coming to NA was clear, my intent was not. Purpose is a direction and Intention is the idea and action I want carry out. I had no idea or plan. For all intents and purposes, I was lost.

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter two, ‘What is the N.A. Program?’, third paragraph.

Purpose

I committed to the Narcotics Anonymous program of recovery. My intent was that I would fully embrace all that the program offered. I went to meetings, got involved in service, worked the Twelve Steps into my life and studied the Twelve Traditions. I got a sponsor and a home group. The actions I took formed my intent, but I would lose sight of the purpose. I struggled with purpose, finding a balance between staying clean and carrying the message. I found I could return to using by acting on my desires but remain clean. I also found that too much carrying the message brought me to resentment of others who lacked the level of commitment that I had. During all these episodes of my recovery, I could embrace my intentions and find purpose in the lessons. No matter how bad things felt, I could draw on the experiences of other addicts. I had found a new way to live. Each day I learned more about who I was and who I was intended to be. For all intents and purposes, I was no longer lost.

When we first come to the Program, we usually express a lot of things which seem to be important wants and needs. As we grow spiritually and find out about a Power greater than ourselves, we begin to realize that as long as our spiritual needs are truly met, our living problems are reduced to a point of comfort. When we forget where our real strength lies, we quickly become subject to the same patterns of thinking and action that got us to the Program in the first place. We eventually redefine our beliefs and understanding to the point where we see that our greatest need is for knowledge of God’s will for us and the strength to carry that out. We are able to set aside some of our personal preference, if necessary, to do this because we learn that God’s will consists of the very things we care most about. God’s will for us becomes our own true will for ourselves. This happens in an intuitive manner which cannot be adequately explained in words.
Basic Text, Chapter Four, Step Eleven, Sixteenth Paragraph

Intent

There is this idea of putting aside my personal preferences for the sake of my Higher Power’s will. In doing that, I come to learn that my Higher Power is concerned with the ‘very things we care most about.’ Sometimes I choose poorly but I only discover in hindsight. I know that if I continue to ignore business meetings for my home group, the group suffers and addicts perish. Narcotics Anonymous is not a convenience store, staffed, everything lined up in neat rows, waiting for me to choose what I want. I understand the purpose of NA and I can align my actions with that purpose. Intent becomes as critical as purpose.

Membership in Narcotics Anonymous is not automatic when someone walks in the door or when the newcomer decides to stop using. The decision to become a part of our Fellowship rests with the individual. Any addict who has a desire to stop using can become a member of N.A. We are addicts and our problem is addiction.
Basic Text, Chapter Six, Tradition Two, Second Paragraph

The Recovered Addict

I am learning to be a good friend today. I support those I love and develop the skills to have intimate relationships in and out of the Fellowship. I recognize the blessings in my life today. It is not enough to have gratitude for being clean but also express the actions of the recovered addict. I guard myself against dishonesty and self-deception. I no longer accept using or being used. For all intents and purposes, I choose to enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society.

Primary Purpose

The last year has been quite interesting because I have been living without anxiety. I still suffer from anxiety during certain instances like public speaking or if I make a fool of myself by saying or doing something awkward. The general, underlying anxiety that I have experienced most of my life has gone. I remember the circumstances that lead to the feelings of anxiety passing through rather than lingering. I spent time in meditation on the source of this miracle and believe it comes from the concept of a primary purpose.

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Two ‘What is the N.A. Program?”, Third paragraph.

I often repeated or listened to others talk about the ‘Primary Purpose’. I see now that sometimes I was trying to sway others into seeing my point of view on a given subject. I believe that is true for many of our members. All the tools I learn in NA are subject to being used to manipulate people to maintain my using as much as it is to maintain my recovery. Recovery can be difficult at times, and we are all capable of complacency. Step Twelve says that our service in Narcotics Anonymous is to further the primary purpose of our groups.

We attend meetings and make ourselves visible and available to serve the Fellowship. We give freely and gratefully of our time, service, and what we have found here. The service we speak of in Narcotics Anonymous is the primary purpose of our groups. Service work is carrying the message to the addict who still suffers. The more eagerly we wade in and work, the richer our spiritual awakening will be.
Chapter Four ‘How It Works’, Step Twelve, Paragraph Twelve.

Individual and Group Purpose

My ideas of purpose might differ from another person’s. Within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous individuals can have different goals. Someone with a background in prisons might focus their efforts on carrying the message into prisons. We also know from the literature that there are ‘Self-Seekers’ and members who’s dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. An NA Group is governed by an ultimate authority; A loving Higher Power as expressed in a Group Conscience. I believe that the expression of the Primary Purpose comes from that Group Conscience. Groups can flourish and grow by attracting new members. I have found for myself that the primary purpose of the group is the most attractive part of the group.

One might ask, “Are we truly autonomous? What about our service committees, our offices, activities, and all the other things that go on in N.A.?” The answer is that these things are not N.A. They are services we utilize to help us in our recovery and to further the primary purpose of our groups. Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of men and women; addicts meeting in groups and using a given set of spiritual principles to find freedom from addiction and a new way to live. All else is not N.A. Those things we mentioned are the result of members caring enough to reach out and offer their help and experience so that our road might be easier. Whether we choose to utilize these services is up to the group.
Basic Text, Chapter Six “The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous’, Tradition Four, preamble

Unity of Purpose

Groups can struggle with unity. There are a lot of forces at work that make unity difficult. I have found that having a primary purpose helps to direct the efforts of the group. I have experienced a great deal in the last four years because of being part of a virtual home group. I have been free of the strong personalities that often dominate local fellowships. I have come to see that having a clear idea of primary purpose helps in all aspects of my life.

This Sixth Tradition goes on to warn us what may happen: “lest problems of money, property or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.” These often become obsessions and shut us off from our spiritual aim. For the individual, this type of abuse can be devastating; for the group, it can be disastrous. When we as a group waiver from our primary purpose, addicts die who might have found recovery.
Basic Text, Chapter Six The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous’, Tradition Six, last paragraph

I practice principles in all my affairs. When I volunteer or when I’m at work. I practice them with my family and my friends. Regardless of the group I’m involved with, it helps me to think about a primary purpose. The primary purpose of a meeting at work might be to resolve some issue related to work flow. I put aside my personality and focus on principles. I might not feel like I always ‘win’ but the group benefits from my involvement and participation. I have a voice, but I strive to give others a voice too. By focusing on a primary purpose, I find my anxiety is decreased or eliminated. I am less focused on the outcome. I put God’s will ahead of my own. I have more faith and less fear about the future. I am free…of anxiety!

Practicing With Intent

Many people arrive at Narcotics Anonymous with the desire to stop using. Some see drugs as the problem and others are aware that addiction has shaped all aspects of their lives. I remember becoming aware of how people felt about my drug use, particularly those close to me. I started to see how I behaved. My actions suited my own needs with little concern of the needs of others. The longer I attended NA, the more aware I became of my actions and how I was using in other aspects of my life. I saw how often I was unwilling to even sacrifice a moment of my time to call someone. I prefer to talk to people I like and stand with people I know than concern myself with making newcomers feel welcome. I would use anything to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Narcotics Anonymous gave me the tools I needed to deal with uncomfortable feelings. There is only one requirement for membership in NA; A desire to stop using. Is there a price for freedom from active addiction? The Twelfth Step might hold the answer I seek.

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of those steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Narcotics Anonymous, Step Twelve.

By completing the Twelve Steps, I take on a commitment to carrying a message to other addicts and the ongoing practice of principles in all my affairs. Intention and effort are the cost of membership. Sometimes I fall short. There are Three parts to Step Twelve and the first is having had a spiritual awakening because of the Twelve Steps. What that awakening looks like is unique for each member. I believe that a spiritual awakening might be nothing more than the ability to pause and consider a new way of living. This happened a lot in the early years of attending NA.

The second part is defining what is ‘this message’. I learned early on to carry my own personal message shared as Experience, Strength and Hope. It was important to me to realize that by focusing on my own journey, I had something of value to share with others. I know from researching a blog post on ‘complacency’ that it is easy to fall into a habit of sharing past experiences or clichés. Some days I am completely unaware of the difficulties of others because I am so self-absorbed in the amazing life I have. A ‘we’ program becomes a ‘me’ program easily. I tend to share feelings that I am comfortable with. I avoid sharing the pain of day to day struggles.

The final part of Step Twelve talks of practicing principles in all my affairs. I love the twelve spiritual principles listed in Step Twelve; hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring. It’s all the principles I need today. What constitutes ‘my affairs’ referenced in Step Twelve is something that I need awareness of. Recovery has opened the door, and everything is possible it would seem. Getting distracted from recovery is easy today with all the choices I have. I need to carefully consider what I am involved with and seek guidance from my Higher Power in my choices. My choices come with a price as well and I learned those are called consequences.

Some things we must accept, and others we can change. The wisdom to know the difference comes with growth in our spiritual program. If we maintain our spiritual condition daily, we find the pain and confusion easier to deal with. This is the emotional stability that we so badly need. With the help of our Higher Power, we never have to use again.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter nine ‘Just for Today, Living the Program’

It is interesting that by maintaining a spiritual condition, I’m also experiencing pain and confusion. Pain and confusion has become a choice now. Using numbs the pain and eases the confusion for me. Even in recovery I find I can end up getting and using, and finding the ways and means to get more. I remember reaching a point where I was addicted to being a part of the unhealthy cliques that are so common in NA. I thought that if someone in the program would just call or stop by for coffee, I would be happy. I was lonely and reliant on the attention of other addicts. Today, I’m much more careful with my relationships and I focus on giving back. I’m no longer interested in using NA as a social club. I was far from the path of recovery. Today, I showed up to do the work.

That only the desire to stop using is needed insures that no caste system will develop making one addict superior to another.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter six, Tradition Three

Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. That is why we are here. Unfortunately, some members lose the desire to stop using, and some meet regularly to help themselves. It seems to be the nature of the addict. I focus on members with a desire to stop using and those who meet regularly to help each other. I find the solution for me is in focusing on the practice of principles and in the application of the Twelve Traditions. I cannot do it alone; I must work with other members who also have a desire to stop using. My intent is to carry a message to the still suffering addict and sometimes that addict is me. I practice because I have faith that the program works, even when I feel pain and confusion.

Using

Addiction often focuses on drug use but using can take on lots of forms. When does using become a problem? There are obvious examples of the disease including addiction to sex, gambling, and food. There are obvious symptoms of those forms of addiction. I believe that sometimes the problems are less obvious and even open to opinion. Can Olympic athletes be addicted to performance? Perhaps they are and some might look back with regrets as they get older. An Olympic athlete might suffer from isolation and loneliness. They can have intense focus that only an addict would understand. They can seek the solstice of other athletes as they lose touch with family and friends. A Using addict attracts addicts who are using. Some of the symptoms of the disease of addiction can be associated with any lifestyle but not everyone will agree with who is an addict. I recently struggled with some feelings I associate with using, at the most unusual of places. It was a Narcotics Anonymous meeting near where I live. The feelings I struggled with were isolation and loneliness.

Early in my recovery, I was madly attending NA meetings at every opportunity. I felt a sense of connection and welcomed the opportunity to be a part of everything that was happening. I attended conventions and took service positions. Almost every relationship I had was in NA. I remember my sponsor saying to me that ‘Narcotics Anonymous isn’t a social club” but I ignored the warning. I understood what he meant; NA is here for the purpose of supporting the addict and attracting newcomers, but I saw an opportunity to feel good. I did not see that I had become addicted to a lifestyle. I thought if I surrounded myself with addicts, I would find some acceptance and maybe some self-worth. Self-obsession is the core of the disease and in the Narcotics Anonymous literature there is a line that describes my problem.

One of the problems is that we found it easier to change our perception of reality.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Five, ‘What Can I do?’

Using drugs alters our perception of reality, and when I stopped things did get better. That does not mean I was cured or that my life was amazing right away. I was faced with an increased awareness of reality. I was also subjected to an increased ability to explore other ways of using. I became more tolerant of others and that was something I needed. I became more accepting of others. I explored my ideas about who I was while doing the Twelve Steps. I also explored ideas about what or who I could be by listening to other addicts. The world seemed to offer endless possibilities.

I heard the term ‘attraction rather than promotion’ in Tradition Eleven. I also heard that ‘personal recovery depends on unity’ in Tradition One. I associated the phrases with the lifestyles of the members. I was eager to explore the possibilities. My view was through a narrow window of a local Fellowship. Every addict is capable of using and some have a desire to stop. Unity is easily found and fluid, changing from day to day. I did not always find healthy relationships. A member might trade cocaine for weights and crack house for a gym. They believe that everything has changed and feel good about their recovery. I could suggest that nothing has changed. It is easier for me to judge than understand the actions of another. My perception is that they are the same self-obsessed addict that they were when they were on drugs. People seem to pick and choose terms from the Twelve Steps and Traditions which become weapons in the defense of their using and in judging others. I have something to say about everything and bring fuel to a fire of disunity. I am learning to keep my mouth shut and distance myself from some members. I have developed healthy relationships as a result. I still wonder if the worst aspect of the disease is manipulation and control but maybe that is just my problem. It has become clear to me that some of the worst examples of active using are in those who serve the Fellowship of NA, as well as promote their ‘clean time’. The literature says that complacency is the enemy. I focus on gratitude that I did not use drugs today. I try and have awareness of my behaviors. Narcotics Anonymous continues to grow and addicts are staying clean and carrying a message to others.

Narcotics Anonymous encourages members to meet regularly to help each other but often members are here to simply help themselves. I believe a daily inventory helps me identify a pattern of using where it affects my life or the lives of people around me. I accept Tradition Three, where I am required to have a desire to stop using. The treatment industry often promotes the Twelve Steps but nothing on the Twelve Traditions. Some members are products of a treatment industry that promotes self-care. ‘Feelings of unity’ have become a commodity. That is not the unity referenced in literature.

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous it is imperative that the group remain stable, or else the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

And near the end…

Our Traditions are the guidelines that protect us from ourselves. They are our unity.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Tradition One

I have narrowed my focus to joining and participating in a home group. It is all the Fellowship I need. My life is stable and drama free. I have a life of abundance. Rather than acting on using, I try and focus on the spiritual principles.

By staying clean we begin to practice spiritual principles such as hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, Step Twelve

I am a Charlatan.

I read the new ‘Group Booklet’ produced by the NAWS Corporation and was offended by the addition of a footnote;

Virtual NA meetings that meet regularly can choose to be an NA group if they meet the criteria described in this booklet.
NAWS Corporation, ‘The Group Booklet’, Page 5, Footnote 3.

My first thought was that only NA Groups host meetings and the NAWS Corporation was trying to circumvent our traditions. Their approval of meetings without the responsibility of following the Twelve Traditions was in my opinion deceptive. The Traditions govern our Groups who host meetings to support members and for the purpose of carrying a message to the still suffering addict. It would not be the first time that NAWS had violated the Traditions. In this case I was wrong, and it was the members of NA who took me to school. Turns out that I am a charlatan.

A study of historical literature brought me to the original information pamphlet, published in 1976.

The gathering together of two or more member addicts for the purpose of learning how to live a drug-free life by practicing the principles of N.A. constitutes an N.A. Meeting. When these meetings are held regularly, they can become a Group.
Narcotics Anonymous, published by C.A.R.E.N.A. in 1976, IP #2, ‘The Group’ – Structure, The Member.

The Member

This 1976 information pamphlet makes the reader familiar with the structure of Narcotics Anonymous and points out that the member is the first and most important part of our service structure. The Upper Cumberland Area of Narcotics Anonymous lists a version here. When members meet for the purpose of living a drug free lifestyle, it is considered a meeting. Even if they meet regularly, they are not necessarily a group. The Group IP was revised in 1988 and dropped the definition of a member and their importance to our service efforts. I believe it was the first time Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship approved literature was replaced with Conference approved literature, but I could be wrong. I wish it had been left as it was and I would encourage everyone to read historical literature. The revised IP included this.

Definition and purpose [of a group]

A Narcotics Anonymous group is any meeting of two or more recovering addicts who meet regularly at a specific time and place for the purpose of recovery from the disease of addiction. All Narcotics Anonymous groups are bound by the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of NA. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers.
NA IP#2 – ‘The Group’, Revised 1988.

Conference Approved and Fellowship Approved Literature

By 1988, Narcotics Anonymous had become fragmented over the changes brought about by the service structures to the Basic Text (See my post – Paper Empires). Rapid growth and declining participation in service structures created chaos for Narcotics Anonymous. Disunity allowed strong personalities to dominate over principles. The first line in the revised text (above) merges the definition of meeting and group into a confusing statement of opinion. At this point, IP#2, ‘The Group’ became Conference Approved literature and was no longer Fellowship Approved literature. You can read the 1988 World Service Conference discussion at https://www.nahistorytree.com or this link here.

There are other points of confusion as the literature was revised. The use of ‘recovered’ and ‘recovering’ addict. This is a quote from the Fellowship approved version of the Basic Text.

N.A. is a non-profit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, “What is the N.A. Program?“

Opinions and Facts

My friend Jed in a discussion once defined ‘Charlatan’ as someone who wears a cloak of spirituality which obscures their true motives. I like this definition from Wikipedia.

A charlatan (also called a swindler or mountebank) is a person practicing quackery or a similar confidence trick in order to obtain money, power, fame, or other advantages through pretense or deception.

See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlatan

Are all addicts in Narcotics Anonymous charlatans? Narcotics Anonymous literature says that we do enjoy complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, Recovery and Relapse, preamble.

Recovered Addict

Today, I enjoy being a recovered addict. I continue to experience the full force of the charlatans where I live. I hear from no one; I am not allowed to serve and today I am ok with that but at one point it caused me to consider suicide. I believe the purest form of recovery is the newcomer as they are free of all pretenses. I no longer hang out with the many toxic cliques that infest our Fellowship. I am only interested in our primary purpose and being part of a home group. I have healthy boundaries and enjoy the wide base of personalities within a home group. I focus on recognizing the Grace of God that allowed me to not use today. My actions are from gratitude for that gift. Fortunately, my home group offers unconditional love to me even when I start to trip over my opinions presented as facts. I am grateful today to recognize the disease within me with the help of others. Each day begins with the opportunity to enjoy complete recovery and the opportunity to continue to communicate with newer members. Each day I can act like a charlatan, presenting opinions as facts and distancing myself from reality. I have choice today. I am free!