Category: Spiritual Principles

Does your Doctor know?

Adapting to Change

I was committed to trying out the Narcotics Anonymous program and attending meetings after I hit bottom. Treatment was not an option I could afford. Talking with other addicts become comfortable the more I attended. What we talked about was starting to make sense and I did feel a sense of camaraderie with some members. I could talk about some of the challenges I was faced with in a safe place. I found many members could relate to what I was experiencing. Some would share their experiences and I learned from them. I found strength to continue and hope for a new way of living.  Narcotics Anonymous was a safe place but I still had to deal with life outside of the meetings. I worked full-time, I was married and I had children. There was a lot of interaction with people outside the program. Many of my immediate circle cared about me and I tried to be honest about what I was doing. I talked with my doctor, but little help was available other than medication and psychiatrists.  

Outside of the meetings I was dealing with the consequences of my addiction and trying to maintain a life worth living.  Some of my behaviors were becoming uncomfortable. For the first time I started to see how I loved to swim in a sea of resentments. Everyone and every single situation I had experienced in my life was tainted with resentment. At a meeting, someone shared that resentments were like ‘drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die’. This caused me weeks of struggle as I had to examine every aspect of my life and my thinking. I had an enormous sense of entitlement.

There were a lot of new ideas and new ways of living to explore. I was grateful to have other addicts to talk to. I found I was drawn to people who were similar in nature. There was a certain comfort in being part of a clique. The most uncomfortable conversations were with someone outside the Fellowship. Narcotics Anonymous became a big part of my life and I was anxious about people outside the Fellowship.

Honest Conversations

Early recovery involved commitments with a therapist, an addiction counsellor, friends, and family to talk openly about where I was at and what was going on. Being honest was difficult when you do not know the truth, and if you have lived a life of lies and misconceptions. I found myself lying for no other reason than it was more comfortable than telling the truth. I found my favorite conversations are often with professionals, like doctors and therapists. Some seem to have found a good balance between genuine concerns and vague indifferences to my problems. I tried to be honest about life in NA and shared about the many benefits. I started to enjoy talking with professionals in healthcare, and people interested in recovery. My support group in NA grew as well.

Carrying the Message

I worked the steps, and I found a place in my heart where I could talk comfortably with a higher power. Having a conversation with the God of my understanding allowed me to see how self-obsessed I was. My early conversations were about my needs, my frustrations, and my desires. As I continued to work the steps I found I was part of a larger community and everything was not about me. My life had become stable and I recognized daily that my needs were being met. I tried to get involved in the Fellowship and carrying the message to other addicts. It was challenging and exciting to work with other addicts. The work in applying principles started to benefit all aspects of my life. I found myself wanting to have better relationships with anyone I encountered. My conversations with my higher power changed and I sensed a growing desire to put aside self-obsessive thinking.

The Opposite of Using is Gratitude

A big moment happened about 7 years ago. I found a new doctor who was trained in the United Kingdom. My doctor loves Narcotics Anonymous and had very positive things to say about the fellowship. In the UK, Narcotics Anonymous does presentations to universities where doctors are trained.  Whenever possible, I try and get him meeting lists to give to his patients. The conversations I had with people outside the fellowship were changing as well.  The Narcotics Anonymous literature says about some of our members;

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

My experiences reflected this. It can be very difficult to work with some Narcotics Anonymous service bodies. Strong personalities often overshadow principles. The Narcotics Anonymous literature warns members about this. Despite the warning, local service often ignore how they can be a detriment to my recovery. I have found a benefit to including other parts of society within my recovery.  I am no longer surprised to see how many members continue to use.  Over the years I have come to see how I have ‘used’ the NA fellowship and the relationships I formed were often fake. Using addicts attract addicts who are using. The ongoing struggles to fill service positions has as much to do with the attitudes of those involved as those who seek to be of service. Stepping away and forming healthy boundaries have helped me immensely.

Complete recovery and acceptance within society

The quality of my relationships has dramatically improved with honest conversations. Honest conversations are the best weapon against self-deception. I love the idea of complete recovery and acceptance within society. Today, complete recovery means I am free to express my gratitude. I believe that the opposite of using is gratitude. Gratitude is truly an action word as I seek to give back rather than use. Gratitude allows me to see the abundance I have and freely give back to society. Complete recovery means I am no longer using but have become useful. I am no longer isolated and have found acceptance within society. When I am talking with new members of Narcotics Anonymous I ask questions like; ‘Does your doctor know?’ or ‘Does your doctor have meeting lists?’ You might be the only contact someone has with Narcotics Anonymous today so choose your words and actions wisely. The literature says  ‘We can only keep what we have by giving it away’. Giving back has been the foundation of my recovery.

Help

Narcotics Anonymous was born in 1953. A small group of people who identified themselves as addicts started to meet regularly. Some came from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and believed that the program could adapted to help other addicts.  There was little evidence that AA was helping addicts in a significant way. Those early members discussed what needed to change and what was working.  New groups began to form based on the same principles adopted by that first group. Members are encouraged to support a particular group. It becomes your ‘home group’. During the early stages of growth, some members and groups wanted to try and create literature to help other individuals and groups. One of the earliest examples of literature was called the ‘Buff Book’ or ‘Brown Book’. It was published in 1956 and it contained a line;

We of Narcotics Anonymous are exactly like you. We are a group of addicts who meet regularly to help each other obtain and maintain our sobriety and to stay clean.

You can view the final 1956 publication here.

I have come to believe that helping each other is a critical concept of Narcotics Anonymous and reflected a great deal in early literature. I recently started to look at this idea of helping others and the growing trend away from this principle that many see in our Fellowship.

The Little White Book

The next major writing project of the Fellowship was called the Little White Book(LWB). The LWB was highly regarded by many members.  The LWB would be used as the foundation for a book length piece of literature called the Basic Text that was published 20 years later in 1983. A 1962 revisions draft of the LWB contained the lines;

If we would live we must be free of all forms of selfishness. Self-love, self-condemnation, false pride, self-pity and self-centeredness are gradually removed, as we become aware of new values in our lives.

And;

We feel that our approach to our problem is completely realistic – for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another to recover, is without parallel. We feel too, that it is practical, for it takes one addict to thoroughly understand another, and it is in helping each other that we find it possible, to maintain a happy way of life.

Some of these phrases made it into the 1962 publication of the LWB and these ideals are repeated today in literature. The idea of helping others inspired early members to grow the Fellowship. Some members and groups also met to further develop literature by freely giving of their ideas, money and time which resulted in the early development of information pamphlets.  The LWB was distributed freely to members or at cost. Sometimes Groups or members would cover the printing and distribution costs. There was a culture of helping others present in the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous.

Self-love

It is difficult in today’s culture of recovery to see self-love as a form of selfishness.  I believe that the experiences shared in NA today are more about “help yourself” despite the literature saying we meet regularly to help each other. For some members, the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship has become a big distraction from our primary purpose of carrying the message to suffering addicts. Some members refer to Narcotics Anonymous as an aftercare program when they are done with treatment. ‘I need a meeting’ is uttered by members and can sound like an addict looking for their next fix. I have been lulled into complacency by becoming self-absorbed and losing focus on the reason I attend regularly. Being clean and enjoying life can be as attractive as any drug. I try and maintain a balance between my needs and the needs of others. Sometimes my behaviors feel like I’m using when I interact with others. I sometimes spend more on coffee for the meeting than what I contribute at the meeting to the 7th tradition basket. That bothers me but I also need to find a balance and appreciate all that my higher power has allowed me to have and to be.

Using

Tradition 3 says we must have a desire to stop using if we are to remain a member. Awareness of self must be balanced with awareness of others in my experience.  As I recover, I have become more aware of my using. I usually start my day with coffee as a stimulant. I appreciate when others share about other ways to live, free from any mind-altering substances. I made a choice today to use coffee but I gave up the accompanying cigarette almost a decade ago.  I also appreciate those who choose another way to live and share that experience. Using coffee may be innocent but there are other forms of using that are less attractive, and sometimes quite destructive. I like telling people ‘How things are done here in NA’ because it feels good to use my clean time like a weapon. I easily develop contempt for others. Unique solutions and different ways of doing things cause me to judge. I have learned that making mistakes has benefits. I no longer see myself as a guardian of what is right in NA. I have contempt, but I do not have to act on it anymore. I try to be entirely ready to have my higher power remove this shortcoming in any situation.  

Using can become a new way of life for some addicts. Trading one addiction for another is in our literature. I often hear that experience shared by other members as they continue to use but they may not see what I see. Some members form cliques based on lifestyles, beliefs, and behaviors that look a lot like using. I often hear of members who are excluded from these cliques and have experienced that myself. I so wanted to be a part of the cliques that my behaviors became like using. I visited people and tried to make friends without realizing I was never going to be a part of. Using people attract people who are using. There were disastrous results for me. People have used me to help them move and women have used me to make their partners jealous. Some members will call me to draw support for their service motions which is a form of manipulation and is simply another form of using. People use their knowledge of the traditions to shape other people’s perceptions without regard for Group Conscience. Group Conscience is how we put aside our opinions and work with other addicts. A Group Conscience is my greatest weapon against my using when it comes to my home group.  

Taking Responsibility for My Recovery

The only requirement for membership in Narcotics Anonymous is a desire to stop using. Narcotics Anonymous does not require you participate or willingly help others but simply showing up regularly is of benefit. Members may be unable or unwilling to stop using despite long periods of abstinence. I might be frustrated with some behavior, but I have never wished someone would stop attending.  This has allowed me to develop healthy boundaries and benefits me in my life outside of recovery.  I cannot judge your desire to stop using.  Sometimes what I see as using is nothing more than another way of living. Taking responsibility for my own recovery is a powerful tool as I grow spiritually. I am careful with the people I include in my life today but I am willing to communicate with anyone.  

The Group

A minority of members support the using of literature profits by the NAWS Corporation to carry a message. Other members oppose this by using free literature for the same purpose. Every controversial choice we make as individuals separates us from other members. The same is true of Groups. Addicts are unlikely to agree on everything as a Fellowship. One group might sign attendance sheets for court ordered addicts, and another group opposes the practice. The autonomy of groups lets me dictate what I want to participate in. When I join a group, Tradition 1 says my personal recovery depends on unity. Putting aside my ideas and surrendering to a Group Conscience has been a great benefit in my recovery.  My best intentions are no match for the will of a higher power. I also have the option of choosing a different group. The choices we make as groups and individuals are influenced by not only our desire to stop using but also our decision to continue to use. It is God’s will or my will. I need to choose carefully.