Rebelsmed

Primary Purpose

The last year has been quite interesting because I have been living without anxiety. I still suffer from anxiety during certain instances like public speaking or if I make a fool of myself by saying or doing something awkward. The general, underlying anxiety that I have experienced most of my life has gone. I remember the circumstances that lead to the feelings of anxiety passing through rather than lingering. I spent time in meditation on the source of this miracle and believe it comes from the concept of a primary purpose.

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Two ‘What is the N.A. Program?”, Third paragraph.

I often repeated or listened to others talk about the ‘Primary Purpose’. I see now that sometimes I was trying to sway others into seeing my point of view on a given subject. I believe that is true for many of our members. All the tools I learn in NA are subject to being used to manipulate people to maintain my using as much as it is to maintain my recovery. Recovery can be difficult at times, and we are all capable of complacency. Step Twelve says that our service in Narcotics Anonymous is to further the primary purpose of our groups.

We attend meetings and make ourselves visible and available to serve the Fellowship. We give freely and gratefully of our time, service, and what we have found here. The service we speak of in Narcotics Anonymous is the primary purpose of our groups. Service work is carrying the message to the addict who still suffers. The more eagerly we wade in and work, the richer our spiritual awakening will be.
Chapter Four ‘How It Works’, Step Twelve, Paragraph Twelve.

Individual and Group Purpose

My ideas of purpose might differ from another person’s. Within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous individuals can have different goals. Someone with a background in prisons might focus their efforts on carrying the message into prisons. We also know from the literature that there are ‘Self-Seekers’ and members who’s dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. An NA Group is governed by an ultimate authority; A loving Higher Power as expressed in a Group Conscience. I believe that the expression of the Primary Purpose comes from that Group Conscience. Groups can flourish and grow by attracting new members. I have found for myself that the primary purpose of the group is the most attractive part of the group.

One might ask, “Are we truly autonomous? What about our service committees, our offices, activities, and all the other things that go on in N.A.?” The answer is that these things are not N.A. They are services we utilize to help us in our recovery and to further the primary purpose of our groups. Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of men and women; addicts meeting in groups and using a given set of spiritual principles to find freedom from addiction and a new way to live. All else is not N.A. Those things we mentioned are the result of members caring enough to reach out and offer their help and experience so that our road might be easier. Whether we choose to utilize these services is up to the group.
Basic Text, Chapter Six “The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous’, Tradition Four, preamble

Unity of Purpose

Groups can struggle with unity. There are a lot of forces at work that make unity difficult. I have found that having a primary purpose helps to direct the efforts of the group. I have experienced a great deal in the last four years because of being part of a virtual home group. I have been free of the strong personalities that often dominate local fellowships. I have come to see that having a clear idea of primary purpose helps in all aspects of my life.

This Sixth Tradition goes on to warn us what may happen: “lest problems of money, property or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.” These often become obsessions and shut us off from our spiritual aim. For the individual, this type of abuse can be devastating; for the group, it can be disastrous. When we as a group waiver from our primary purpose, addicts die who might have found recovery.
Basic Text, Chapter Six The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous’, Tradition Six, last paragraph

I practice principles in all my affairs. When I volunteer or when I’m at work. I practice them with my family and my friends. Regardless of the group I’m involved with, it helps me to think about a primary purpose. The primary purpose of a meeting at work might be to resolve some issue related to work flow. I put aside my personality and focus on principles. I might not feel like I always ‘win’ but the group benefits from my involvement and participation. I have a voice, but I strive to give others a voice too. By focusing on a primary purpose, I find my anxiety is decreased or eliminated. I am less focused on the outcome. I put God’s will ahead of my own. I have more faith and less fear about the future. I am free…of anxiety!

Thursday Night

The Thursday night meeting I attended last week was such a powerful experience. I’m still processing the feelings. The feelings are becoming familiar as I attend regularly. I chair my home group’s night meeting. I usually show up early for some fellowship because we have a lot of regulars. As people are arriving, some of us are joking around and laughing. I welcomed some new people that I did not recognize. We all continued to chat about our day and our struggles. I started the meeting with the readings and regulars continued to arrive. Everyone at my home group helps by doing readings. It’s nice to see the participation and one less thing I stress about when I chair. I asked if anyone was new, and it turns out that two of the eighteen people were at their first NA meeting ever. We had a couple visitors and a dozen regulars. It’s always exciting to see newcomers. My group responds well with amazing unity. We collectively work together to ensure that newcomers have a positive experience and encourage them to return. The unconditional love expressed is often the high point of my day. Some do return and some find other home groups but return occasionally. Some you never hear from again.

During the height of the pandemic, these feelings seemed to occur at every meeting. We were doing nineteen meetings per week at one point. It seemed like every meeting had a newcomer or two. It really shaped who I have become. It shapes my thoughts and how I process my day. No matter what is happening in my personal life, I always seem to find a moment to reflect on these powerful expressions of love that have become commonplace in my home group. I might pray for a newcomer who was struggling or reach out to a home group member in text or conversation. When I struggle, my phone rings with sponsees or other home group members checking in. I have a sense of peace and belonging that I have never experienced before. It is breathtaking to experience the full force of recovery. There is a problem and I have slowly come to realize that it is me.

Sometimes I can just observe, and I try not to participate in every meeting. I do have this feeling that I need to share, or something might be missed. I understand that is the nature of my disease. This happens in other areas of my life. I have a feeling of frustration that meeting chairs do not fill out our ‘Chairing schedule’ so I can update www.virtual-na.org. I look for rules and policies. I try to enforce some authority over the group. I am drawn to power and control. It can become a drug.

While researching a book called the ‘Cult of NAWS’, I came across this definition of a cult;

Cult – “a system for the cure of disease based on dogma set forth by its promulgator”
[https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cult]

I had to look up promulgator.

Promulgator – “(law) one who promulgates laws (announces a law as a way of putting it into execution)”

“law, jurisprudence – the collection of rules imposed by authority; ‘civilization presupposes respect for the law’; ‘the great problem for jurisprudence to allow freedom while enforcing order’”

“lawgiver, lawmaker – a maker of laws; someone who gives a code of laws”
[https://www.thefreedictionary.com/promulgator]

Narcotics Anonymous experienced tremendous growth during the 1980’s. Many members were looking for direction with perceived problems. Some members were willing to take on authority roles. Groups formed Areas Service Committees. Area Service Committees formed Regions. Regions sent a member to participate in World Service Conferences. The first ‘global’ service structure was called the WSO or World Service Office. This morphed into the NAWS Corporation in the 1990’s. Members could easily avoid responsibility for solving their problems by drawing on experienced members outside the Group for direction. In my experience, I often go outside the group for directions when I want to manipulate other home group members.

Chuck Skinner, Chairman of the Board of Trustees was asked a question at the World Service Conference in 1980.

“what course of action on groups not following suggested 12 Step of N A. and more importantly, the 12 Traditions of N.A. ( ie . ,dissention ,non-participation at Area Service, inter-relations with outside interest groups ). “

Chuck stated that.

“any area where there is a violation of the Traditions, the 1st step would be for the Region that is dealing with that organization that is violating the Traditions be informed that they are to cease and desist. If they refuse, notify WSO who will in turn send the cease and desist information. If that fails, notification to the Board of Trustees who, with the WSO , will take any necessary legal action. Question from the floor re : this issue in which an issue such as this was brought to a Region’s attention and that things would be left as is until the Conference . Chuck stated that if a Tradition is being violated, it should be taken care of immediately . Question was what does the Region do in terms of meeting directories. Chuck stated that no assistance should be offered to any breakings of the Traditions. Remove these meetings from the directories forthwith. That would be the first action. Notifying the people as such in front. “
[https://nahistorytree.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1980-wsc-minutes.pdf, 1980, page 15]

Tradition Two is very clear on how a Group seeks direction.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority— a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
Narcotics Anonymous, Tradition Two

Dissention (disagreement), Failure to support an area and inter-relations with outside interest groups were listed as causes to not only remove Groups from meeting lists but a ‘Cease and Desist’ be issued which would close the Group down. If these rules were enforced, more than half the Groups that exist today would likely be shut down. I suspect that more than seventy-five percent of groups would fail to measure up to Chuck’s standards. Thankfully Chuck’s opinions were never adopted by the WSC. You can read a full interview with Chuck Skinner here.

There is something appealing about rules and procedures. They certainly benefit organizations that deliver goods and services. The service structures that support Narcotics Anonymous Groups would not function without rules and procedures. These rules serve little or no purpose in NA where we learn to trust the God of our understanding. I believe that is why the original versions of the Basic Text made it clear that service structures do not govern, and that they are not part of NA. A prime example is the incredibly narrowminded attempt by the NAWS corporation to establish ‘geotagging’. Geotags would be used to identify where service bodies are located geographically in the world.

Instead of trying to maintain information for individual meetings in more than 140 countries, our meeting search page and app will point people to local websites and phonelines. Meeting information maintained by local service bodies is more likely to be accurate and current. To make this change, World Services needs help geotagging local service bodies so that we can map search results and making sure our data for areas, regions, and phonelines is current.
https://www.na.org/admin/include/spaw2/uploads/pdf/eblasts/NAWS%20Update%2010-5.pdf

The NAWS Corporation and the World Service Conference do not garner much support from Groups anymore. Fewer than twenty-five percent of Groups globally vote on WSC motions. After a twenty-year battle, virtual Groups were finally recognized by the NAWS Corporation. Groups do not require Geotags, (particularly virtual ones) and Groups are not required to participate in service structures.

The most successful attempt to provide accurate meeting information is on the Basic Meeting List Toolbox (https://bmlt.app) The BMLT is not a service body. Supporters of the BMLT are not part of the existing service structures recognized by the NAWS Corporation. Volunteers are simply the loving, kind, and compassionate members that NA literature encourages us to be. These volunteers are glowing examples of what is possible. The BMLT website estimate that forty-seven percent of groups are listed on the BMLT (33,976 of 72,215 – see https://tally.bmlt.app). This could be ‘inter-relations with outside interest groups’ that Chuck Skinner thought were a danger to NA. I believe nothing is further from the truth. Somehow my home group manages to host fourteen meetings per week without much concern for my ‘schedule’. One of the things I have learned about myself is that when I am able to form an opinion, develop policies and rules or simply believe something to be true, I no longer need to trust God to the outcome. When all the planning fails, I can blame God too. When I lose trust or blame God (and others) I start the relapse process. I act on my defects which seems to be a form of using. While ‘structure’ has become important to me in my recovery, I cannot impose structure on my higher power’s will. That’s the beauty of the Serenity Prayer. I wonder if Chuck Skinner ever saw that.

Practicing With Intent

Many people arrive at Narcotics Anonymous with the desire to stop using. Some see drugs as the problem and others are aware that addiction has shaped all aspects of their lives. I remember becoming aware of how people felt about my drug use, particularly those close to me. I started to see how I behaved. My actions suited my own needs with little concern of the needs of others. The longer I attended NA, the more aware I became of my actions and how I was using in other aspects of my life. I saw how often I was unwilling to even sacrifice a moment of my time to call someone. I prefer to talk to people I like and stand with people I know than concern myself with making newcomers feel welcome. I would use anything to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Narcotics Anonymous gave me the tools I needed to deal with uncomfortable feelings. There is only one requirement for membership in NA; A desire to stop using. Is there a price for freedom from active addiction? The Twelfth Step might hold the answer I seek.

Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of those steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Narcotics Anonymous, Step Twelve.

By completing the Twelve Steps, I take on a commitment to carrying a message to other addicts and the ongoing practice of principles in all my affairs. Intention and effort are the cost of membership. Sometimes I fall short. There are Three parts to Step Twelve and the first is having had a spiritual awakening because of the Twelve Steps. What that awakening looks like is unique for each member. I believe that a spiritual awakening might be nothing more than the ability to pause and consider a new way of living. This happened a lot in the early years of attending NA.

The second part is defining what is ‘this message’. I learned early on to carry my own personal message shared as Experience, Strength and Hope. It was important to me to realize that by focusing on my own journey, I had something of value to share with others. I know from researching a blog post on ‘complacency’ that it is easy to fall into a habit of sharing past experiences or clichés. Some days I am completely unaware of the difficulties of others because I am so self-absorbed in the amazing life I have. A ‘we’ program becomes a ‘me’ program easily. I tend to share feelings that I am comfortable with. I avoid sharing the pain of day to day struggles.

The final part of Step Twelve talks of practicing principles in all my affairs. I love the twelve spiritual principles listed in Step Twelve; hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring. It’s all the principles I need today. What constitutes ‘my affairs’ referenced in Step Twelve is something that I need awareness of. Recovery has opened the door, and everything is possible it would seem. Getting distracted from recovery is easy today with all the choices I have. I need to carefully consider what I am involved with and seek guidance from my Higher Power in my choices. My choices come with a price as well and I learned those are called consequences.

Some things we must accept, and others we can change. The wisdom to know the difference comes with growth in our spiritual program. If we maintain our spiritual condition daily, we find the pain and confusion easier to deal with. This is the emotional stability that we so badly need. With the help of our Higher Power, we never have to use again.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter nine ‘Just for Today, Living the Program’

It is interesting that by maintaining a spiritual condition, I’m also experiencing pain and confusion. Pain and confusion has become a choice now. Using numbs the pain and eases the confusion for me. Even in recovery I find I can end up getting and using, and finding the ways and means to get more. I remember reaching a point where I was addicted to being a part of the unhealthy cliques that are so common in NA. I thought that if someone in the program would just call or stop by for coffee, I would be happy. I was lonely and reliant on the attention of other addicts. Today, I’m much more careful with my relationships and I focus on giving back. I’m no longer interested in using NA as a social club. I was far from the path of recovery. Today, I showed up to do the work.

That only the desire to stop using is needed insures that no caste system will develop making one addict superior to another.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter six, Tradition Three

Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. That is why we are here. Unfortunately, some members lose the desire to stop using, and some meet regularly to help themselves. It seems to be the nature of the addict. I focus on members with a desire to stop using and those who meet regularly to help each other. I find the solution for me is in focusing on the practice of principles and in the application of the Twelve Traditions. I cannot do it alone; I must work with other members who also have a desire to stop using. My intent is to carry a message to the still suffering addict and sometimes that addict is me. I practice because I have faith that the program works, even when I feel pain and confusion.

Using

Addiction often focuses on drug use but using can take on lots of forms. When does using become a problem? There are obvious examples of the disease including addiction to sex, gambling, and food. There are obvious symptoms of those forms of addiction. I believe that sometimes the problems are less obvious and even open to opinion. Can Olympic athletes be addicted to performance? Perhaps they are and some might look back with regrets as they get older. An Olympic athlete might suffer from isolation and loneliness. They can have intense focus that only an addict would understand. They can seek the solstice of other athletes as they lose touch with family and friends. A Using addict attracts addicts who are using. Some of the symptoms of the disease of addiction can be associated with any lifestyle but not everyone will agree with who is an addict. I recently struggled with some feelings I associate with using, at the most unusual of places. It was a Narcotics Anonymous meeting near where I live. The feelings I struggled with were isolation and loneliness.

Early in my recovery, I was madly attending NA meetings at every opportunity. I felt a sense of connection and welcomed the opportunity to be a part of everything that was happening. I attended conventions and took service positions. Almost every relationship I had was in NA. I remember my sponsor saying to me that ‘Narcotics Anonymous isn’t a social club” but I ignored the warning. I understood what he meant; NA is here for the purpose of supporting the addict and attracting newcomers, but I saw an opportunity to feel good. I did not see that I had become addicted to a lifestyle. I thought if I surrounded myself with addicts, I would find some acceptance and maybe some self-worth. Self-obsession is the core of the disease and in the Narcotics Anonymous literature there is a line that describes my problem.

One of the problems is that we found it easier to change our perception of reality.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Five, ‘What Can I do?’

Using drugs alters our perception of reality, and when I stopped things did get better. That does not mean I was cured or that my life was amazing right away. I was faced with an increased awareness of reality. I was also subjected to an increased ability to explore other ways of using. I became more tolerant of others and that was something I needed. I became more accepting of others. I explored my ideas about who I was while doing the Twelve Steps. I also explored ideas about what or who I could be by listening to other addicts. The world seemed to offer endless possibilities.

I heard the term ‘attraction rather than promotion’ in Tradition Eleven. I also heard that ‘personal recovery depends on unity’ in Tradition One. I associated the phrases with the lifestyles of the members. I was eager to explore the possibilities. My view was through a narrow window of a local Fellowship. Every addict is capable of using and some have a desire to stop. Unity is easily found and fluid, changing from day to day. I did not always find healthy relationships. A member might trade cocaine for weights and crack house for a gym. They believe that everything has changed and feel good about their recovery. I could suggest that nothing has changed. It is easier for me to judge than understand the actions of another. My perception is that they are the same self-obsessed addict that they were when they were on drugs. People seem to pick and choose terms from the Twelve Steps and Traditions which become weapons in the defense of their using and in judging others. I have something to say about everything and bring fuel to a fire of disunity. I am learning to keep my mouth shut and distance myself from some members. I have developed healthy relationships as a result. I still wonder if the worst aspect of the disease is manipulation and control but maybe that is just my problem. It has become clear to me that some of the worst examples of active using are in those who serve the Fellowship of NA, as well as promote their ‘clean time’. The literature says that complacency is the enemy. I focus on gratitude that I did not use drugs today. I try and have awareness of my behaviors. Narcotics Anonymous continues to grow and addicts are staying clean and carrying a message to others.

Narcotics Anonymous encourages members to meet regularly to help each other but often members are here to simply help themselves. I believe a daily inventory helps me identify a pattern of using where it affects my life or the lives of people around me. I accept Tradition Three, where I am required to have a desire to stop using. The treatment industry often promotes the Twelve Steps but nothing on the Twelve Traditions. Some members are products of a treatment industry that promotes self-care. ‘Feelings of unity’ have become a commodity. That is not the unity referenced in literature.

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous it is imperative that the group remain stable, or else the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

And near the end…

Our Traditions are the guidelines that protect us from ourselves. They are our unity.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Tradition One

I have narrowed my focus to joining and participating in a home group. It is all the Fellowship I need. My life is stable and drama free. I have a life of abundance. Rather than acting on using, I try and focus on the spiritual principles.

By staying clean we begin to practice spiritual principles such as hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, Step Twelve

I am a Charlatan.

I read the new ‘Group Booklet’ produced by the NAWS Corporation and was offended by the addition of a footnote;

Virtual NA meetings that meet regularly can choose to be an NA group if they meet the criteria described in this booklet.
NAWS Corporation, ‘The Group Booklet’, Page 5, Footnote 3.

My first thought was that only NA Groups host meetings and the NAWS Corporation was trying to circumvent our traditions. Their approval of meetings without the responsibility of following the Twelve Traditions was in my opinion deceptive. The Traditions govern our Groups who host meetings to support members and for the purpose of carrying a message to the still suffering addict. It would not be the first time that NAWS had violated the Traditions. In this case I was wrong, and it was the members of NA who took me to school. Turns out that I am a charlatan.

A study of historical literature brought me to the original information pamphlet, published in 1976.

The gathering together of two or more member addicts for the purpose of learning how to live a drug-free life by practicing the principles of N.A. constitutes an N.A. Meeting. When these meetings are held regularly, they can become a Group.
Narcotics Anonymous, published by C.A.R.E.N.A. in 1976, IP #2, ‘The Group’ – Structure, The Member.

The Member

This 1976 information pamphlet makes the reader familiar with the structure of Narcotics Anonymous and points out that the member is the first and most important part of our service structure. The Upper Cumberland Area of Narcotics Anonymous lists a version here. When members meet for the purpose of living a drug free lifestyle, it is considered a meeting. Even if they meet regularly, they are not necessarily a group. The Group IP was revised in 1988 and dropped the definition of a member and their importance to our service efforts. I believe it was the first time Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship approved literature was replaced with Conference approved literature, but I could be wrong. I wish it had been left as it was and I would encourage everyone to read historical literature. The revised IP included this.

Definition and purpose [of a group]

A Narcotics Anonymous group is any meeting of two or more recovering addicts who meet regularly at a specific time and place for the purpose of recovery from the disease of addiction. All Narcotics Anonymous groups are bound by the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of NA. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers.
NA IP#2 – ‘The Group’, Revised 1988.

Conference Approved and Fellowship Approved Literature

By 1988, Narcotics Anonymous had become fragmented over the changes brought about by the service structures to the Basic Text (See my post – Paper Empires). Rapid growth and declining participation in service structures created chaos for Narcotics Anonymous. Disunity allowed strong personalities to dominate over principles. The first line in the revised text (above) merges the definition of meeting and group into a confusing statement of opinion. At this point, IP#2, ‘The Group’ became Conference Approved literature and was no longer Fellowship Approved literature. You can read the 1988 World Service Conference discussion at https://www.nahistorytree.com or this link here.

There are other points of confusion as the literature was revised. The use of ‘recovered’ and ‘recovering’ addict. This is a quote from the Fellowship approved version of the Basic Text.

N.A. is a non-profit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, “What is the N.A. Program?“

Opinions and Facts

My friend Jed in a discussion once defined ‘Charlatan’ as someone who wears a cloak of spirituality which obscures their true motives. I like this definition from Wikipedia.

A charlatan (also called a swindler or mountebank) is a person practicing quackery or a similar confidence trick in order to obtain money, power, fame, or other advantages through pretense or deception.

See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlatan

Are all addicts in Narcotics Anonymous charlatans? Narcotics Anonymous literature says that we do enjoy complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, Recovery and Relapse, preamble.

Recovered Addict

Today, I enjoy being a recovered addict. I continue to experience the full force of the charlatans where I live. I hear from no one; I am not allowed to serve and today I am ok with that but at one point it caused me to consider suicide. I believe the purest form of recovery is the newcomer as they are free of all pretenses. I no longer hang out with the many toxic cliques that infest our Fellowship. I am only interested in our primary purpose and being part of a home group. I have healthy boundaries and enjoy the wide base of personalities within a home group. I focus on recognizing the Grace of God that allowed me to not use today. My actions are from gratitude for that gift. Fortunately, my home group offers unconditional love to me even when I start to trip over my opinions presented as facts. I am grateful today to recognize the disease within me with the help of others. Each day begins with the opportunity to enjoy complete recovery and the opportunity to continue to communicate with newer members. Each day I can act like a charlatan, presenting opinions as facts and distancing myself from reality. I have choice today. I am free!

Subject to Revision

Everything we know is subject to revision, especially what we know about the truth.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, All versions, Chapter 9, ‘Just For Today, Living The Program’

This is an interesting quote from the Basic Text. I wondered at first what else could there be but truth but realized that I can have opinions. I know some truths and I have opinions. I easily confuse the two, and voice opinions as truth. Sometimes I do not know the truth at all, but loudly proclaim an opinion to anyone who will listen. I believe this highlights the need for continuous involvement in a home group. I think of my home group as a complete Fellowship. A home group protects me from myself. The Twelve Traditions make sense when I consider my Home Group as a complete Fellowship. I am aware that I have a disease called addiction and I have accepted Narcotics Anonymous as a solution. My personal recovery depends on the unity of the Fellowship.

Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual, not religious program. Any clean addict is a miracle, and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender and growth. For an addict, not using is an abnormal state. We learn to live clean. We learn to be honest with ourselves and think of both sides of things. Decision-making is rough at first. Before we got clean, most of our actions were guided by impulse. Today, we are not locked into this type of thinking. We are free.
Basic Text, Chapter 8, ‘We Do Recover’

Dark Times

I understand now that Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. Someone pointed that out to me at a very low point in my recovery. Chapter Three of the Basic Text talks about the fact we are all sick people. NA is not a cure, but the disease can be arrested at some point, and recovery becomes possible. That tells me that recovery is not guaranteed and not everyone participates in recovery. I found dark times. The arrest of the disease is the miracle I had experienced. Recovery had become possible but elusive. I did not have the skills required to deal with the many personalities. I found sickness because I was fully immersed in Narcotics Anonymous without the skills to separate myself. I ended up in pretend friendships, fake service positions, and an unquenchable thirst to be accepted. Being accepted was just like a drug, and I was full engulfed with using despite not having picked up drugs. A using addict attracts addicts who are using. Recovery is a shared experience and is limited by the size and involvement of the Fellowship. I believe that is why our literature says, ‘the wider the base, the higher the point of freedom’. I needed a strong, diverse home group with growth. In fact, growth needed to be the primary purpose for me to experience full recovery.

I left the sickness of others and found recovery. I found a home group and made a commitment to developing relationships with everyone regardless of my personal feelings or their commitment to recovery. I healed by participating in a healthy Fellowship. I developed healthy boundaries. I learned spiritual principles by observation and practiced them in my life. I see now that members come in all kinds of packages. There are self-seekers (opportunists, who do not care about right or wrong). There are members whose dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. I no longer hang out with people in the program. It is difficult to watch people completely consumed with self-obsession. I find the benefits of living without ‘dishonesty and self-deception’ is that I can associate with anyone in society. I am free today. I am no longer tied to the unhealthy cliques so common in Narcotics Anonymous. I have a purpose today.

Anxiety Free

I avoid self-seeking by participating in giving back and volunteering. The greatest joy for me is being of service but I also accept others where they are at. Narcotics Anonymous has given me many skills that I did not have previously. I can participate in any situation. Healthy people answer the phone and return calls which is a rare thing to experience in the Fellowship where I live. Healthy people show up for their volunteer shifts and do the work willingly and completely. Healthy people are inclusive. I have intelligent and adult conversations about different approaches to problems. I get to participate in some unique solutions proposed by others. I learn different aspects about the truth from the perspective of another person by communicating in a healthy manner. All these unique experiences benefit my recovery. I now can be a part of anything, and as a result I have been anxiety free for almost a year. The death of a dear friend caused me to consider my relationship with the local fellowship of NA.

Living without anxiety has opened new doors. I feel less pressure of the ‘disease of clean time’ and a need to manipulate or control others. Clean time does not seem to have any merit at all. Life unfolds as it was meant to be. Having been around for some time means I am prone to suffer from complacency. I try and stay involved and active in local meetings. I do love to deliver meeting lists and work on websites but accept that surrendering control is difficult for some. I wait patiently now for the opportunity to serve Narcotics Anonymous. There are many places to be of service and the COVID pandemic has opened so many doors to serve. I have less answers and more open-mindedness because of listening to newcomers. I have found writing a blog a good platform for my own ideas on truth and opinion. I connect with like minded individuals who want to work together.

Enough

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently (it feels like months…) looking at a feeling I have. Maybe ‘feeling’ is not the best word, it might be a puzzle, or maybe a bit of self-deception, I am not sure exactly what it is. I have a feeling of having enough. I am content. I want to clarify a few things first. I did not win the lottery and I have not moved to a tropical island to retire. You probably have your own ideas on what ‘enough’ is. I have felt like this for quite a few years now. As an addict, it was a feeling that I thought would be a lot more elusive. Life is full of ups and downs, with all the raw emotions of change and I’m not immune to those. My life today rests on a foundation of happiness. I found this section of the Narcotics Anonymous literature quite relevant.

Obsessive behavior is a common denominator for addictive people. We have times when we try to fill ourselves up until we are satisfied, only to discover that there is no way to satisfy us. Part of our addictive pattern is that we can never get enough of whatever we think we want. Sometimes we forget and we think that if we can just get enough food or enough sex, or enough money we’ll be satisfied and everything will be all right. Self-will still leads us to make decisions based on manipulation, ego, lust, or false pride. We don’t like to be wrong. Our egos tell us that we can do it on our own, but loneliness and paranoia quickly return. We find that we cannot really do it alone, and when we try things get worse. We need to be reminded of where we came from and that it will get progressively worse if we use. This is when we need the Fellowship the most.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Seven, Recovery and Relapse.

A Wide Range of Addicts

Later versions of the Basic Text removed the phrase ‘of whatever we think we want’ but for me the original wording is best. What I want can be a dangerous place given the right set of circumstances. Being immersed in Narcotics Anonymous does not offer much protection from want. In fact, surrounding yourself with addicts can make things worse. Years ago, someone pointed out to me that Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. I had rose coloured glasses that told me a different story, but I see things clearly today. There are a wide range of addicts described in the Basic Text.

Self-seekers, opportunists with little concern for right and wrong.
members who remain abstinent, but whose dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from complete recovery and finding acceptance within society.
Addicts struggling back from relapse.
Others who are caught up in complacency, with a vague sense of having done the right things and an inability to see the larger picture.
Members enjoying complete recovery.
Newcomers who arrive in desperation for a new way to live.

I have tried to maintain relationships with all of them. Some I have chased like an addict looking for a fix because I thought they had something I wanted. Some of them I thought I could fix, which at its core, is another of my wants. Some used me for their own selfish desires because I allowed myself to be blind. I have also gone through dark periods where I thought Narcotics Anonymous would be better without some of them. Each pursuit of some ‘want’ brings about a reminder about powerlessness, surrender, and acceptance in my recovery.

There are some constants in my recovery. I have always had a sponsor and I have always supported a home group. A sponsor acts as a guide, and a home group meets regularly to help each other stay clean. The primary purpose of a home group is to carry a message to the still suffering addict. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program, but a help others program. I am currently a member of two home groups. I like this arrangement and it suits my lifestyle well. Being part of a home group has been a foundation for my recovery. I believe being part of a home group has been instrumental in my current feelings of contentment. A healthy balance of addicts aids my recovery. There is a curious line within the Basic Text.

Death of a Fellowship

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous, it is imperative that the group remain stable, or the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.
Basic Text, Chapter Six, Tradition One, fourth line.

I used to think the wording was a mistake because the phrase seemed to connect the stability of a single group to the fate of the entire Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I have a different appreciation of the language today. I confine my thoughts on Fellowship to my home group. This helps me to keep things simple and I can have a conversation with any home group member about the Traditions as they apply to our group. I do not have to like or have a personal relationship with anyone in my home group. I like the idea of Narcotics Anonymous being made up of tens of thousands of Fellowships, each with a unique personality and perspective. I still have a desire to stop using today. That desire today is more on my defects than the use of drugs. I feel connected to other members when I maintain awareness of my desire to stop. It levels the playing field and helps me to see each of us as equals. If I find the Group behaving in a way that I cannot accept, I simply find a new Fellowship of addicts following the Twelve Steps and Traditions of NA or I start a group. Sometimes I must let things go and follow the Group Conscience. As the Fellowship grows, the shared experiences increase, and I have more freedom from self-obsession.

False Fellowships

There are lots of false fellowships within Narcotics Anonymous. Many members attending a convention feel good and think ‘This is an amazing Fellowship’ or talk of ‘Unity’ but I see no evidence to support that at our service committee meetings. Members enjoy the thrill of a convention but abandoned their efforts to carry the message afterwards. Newcomers rarely show up to a convention for their first meeting. Some newcomers arrive at a actual meeting holding a wrinkled meeting list they have looked at for days before finally making the effort to attend a meeting. False unity becomes a drug and many addicts end up using over and over. That is not the only example.

Addicts make up false Fellowships all the time. Calling all your addict friends to go on a trip or to a beach party is not a Fellowship. Gatherings are simply a bunch of friends getting together but the illusion of ‘Fellowship’ detracts from the primary purpose. I avoid personal relationships in NA now and seek to serve. I’m tired of being used, and witnessing others using NA. It is a painful reminder of my own experience with using NA as a social club. I am as powerless over others as I am of my disease. Personal recovery depends on unity which is defined as;

a condition of harmony

continuity without deviation or change (as in purpose or action)
“Unity.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/unity. Accessed 29 Aug. 2023.

I have found that what I have learned in the last few years about Fellowship and unity benefits me in my personal life. Working with co-workers, or being part of a volunteer group, is much more rewarding now. I am focused on the purpose ahead of the personalities in all my affairs. I now have more friends than I have ever had, and many are outside the Fellowship. What I have learned outside the Fellowship has helped me form intimate relationships with healthy people inside the Fellowship. I am a complete person and content with who I am. I also recognize that I have abundance in my life I can share. I have time and resources to benefit others. I am enough and I have enough.

Who Is An Addict?

I argued with members a lot about what the word ‘addict’ meant when I started attending Narcotics Anonymous in 2002. I remember one member saying to me, “if you took half an aspirin this morning, and now all you think about is taking aspirin, you might be an addict”. The simple logic of his statement made a big difference for me in my first year. After a year of attending meeting regularly, I finally sorted out that I was not always going to have the answer to ‘who is an addict’ but I could clearly see that I was one. Being wrong was a big problem in the beginning but now I have learned to appreciate it. There are a lot of benefits to seeing how I am wrong. I also see now that there are always reasons to return to using. For me life seems to be a pendulum that swings between a desire to stop using and using.

Our disease isolated us from people except for the getting, using, and finding ways and means to get more. Hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking, we cut ourselves off from the outside world. Anything not completely familiar became alien and dangerous. Our world shrank and isolation became our life. We used in order to survive. It was the only way of life we knew.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd (and all editions), Chapter 1, ‘Who is an Addict’

For about 10 years I continued to smoke cigarettes in recovery. It did feel like using but I was not willing to go to the same lengths to get more. I became more uncomfortable with the behaviour as I progressed in my recovery. You will often see a group of smokers standing outside before and after the meetings. Meeting spaces have been lost from the actions of a few smokers because of the litter of smoking. I found that smoking and the litter became more and more uncomfortable. I did try to take on the responsibility of cleaning up but it was often a solitary task because many of the smokers are ‘hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking’. I developed resentments about other smokers. Walking the solitary path is lonely and frightening and it was easy to succumb to peer pressure. The core of the problem was ultimately me. I am an addict and using comes naturally. I would repeatedly fail in my attempts to quit and I littered the ground with butts. I was glad when I was rid of the addiction of smoking. As I grow spiritually, I find myself often walking a lonely and frightening path. It takes a while to get centered and develop a new support group. Other addictions emerged as I continued to take personal inventory or when I listened to other addicts share their experiences. Sometimes I am completely unaware of a problem until I hear another addict share.

We are each others’ eyes and ears;…when we do something wrong our fellow addicts help us to help ourselves by showing us what we cannot see. We sometimes find ourselves caught up in old ideas. We need to constantly review our feelings and thinking, if we are to stay enthusiastic and grow spiritually. This enthusiasm will aid our ongoing recovery.
Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Chapter 10, ‘More Will Be Revealed’

I have found that more is revealed but it rarely seems to come easily. I’m not always aware of what is ‘wrong’ but when someone shares and I can listen, new ideas present themselves. ‘Help us to help ourselves by showing us what we cannot see’ means that I do not need your inventory of my behaviors but if you share your struggles, it could be something that I need to look at too. As our Fellowship grows, so does my awareness of the world around me. ‘The wider the base, the higher the point of freedom’ is from ‘Our Symbol’ section of the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text. I wondered what ‘freedom’ they were speaking of in the beginning but I believe today that it is freedom from self-obsession.

Today I keep my world small, and the only Fellowship I need is a good home group. I focus my attention on those relationships. I see how I fall short as well as contribute to the health of the group and the atmosphere of recovery. I avoid the hard sell of events and prefer the quiet unity found in service. Some of these things ‘outside’ of the Fellowship can become a big smorgasbord of poor behaviours. We tend to ‘isolate ourselves from the outside world.’ Gossip and cliques weaken our efforts to carry a message. Members become addicted to lifestyle and surround themselves with others who support this or that addiction. I am passionate about Public Information and getting out meeting information. I love to deliver meeting lists and work on websites. Sometimes I wonder if I am caught up in obsession but I just need to listen to newcomers. I wonder how did they find us and listen to their stories so that it might benefit me in my recovery. Ultimately my benchmark has been from our literature.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Basic Text, 2^nd Edition, Chapter 7, ‘Recovery and Relapse’.

I have found complete recovery and acceptance within society. Dishonesty and self-deceptions work against me daily but the solution is to work a program of recovery daily.

The Sponsor

The Experience of Others

There was a lot to absorb when I first started attending Narcotics Anonymous. It was like being on the receiving end of a firehose of feelings, thoughts, perceptions, and ideas. I marvel today at the newcomers who stick with the program, adapt what works and discard what does not. The diversity of the addicts who make up the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous amazes me. I heard early on that I should get a home group, work the steps, get involved in service, talk to members, and visit various groups. I also heard that I should get a sponsor. When I asked, I was told that a sponsor ‘takes you through the steps’ but I saw a lot more than that going on. I thought it was important to lay a good foundation of the basics and I went through a tremendous number of sponsors in two years. Every one of those early sponsors was a ‘loser’ when I pulled out my recovery measuring stick. I compared what I was told ‘worked’ with what my sponsor was doing and discarded them like I was changing socks. They failed to measure up. I tried to learn from the experiences of others who seemed to find sponsors they could work with. It was hard to let go of my own ideas and embrace these vague ideas about what worked.

When The Student is Ready, The Teachers Arrive.

Some sponsors gather their sponsees around them like a hen with chicks. Other sponsors were completely indifferent. One sponsor I found was a dream come true. He was the big man at meetings, riding his motorcycle, blue collar worker and quite involved with being of service. His wife was equally involved in NA. They were the NA power couple we so often see. I was shocked when he ripped me off for sixty dollars and left town. I was hurt and thought of giving up. He stopped answering his phone, left town and avoided me like I had the plague at conventions and events over the years. I knew I must have done something wrong, and it re-enforced the idea that I was less than. It laid the foundation for a long history of abusive relationships within the fellowship. I did eventually find a good sponsor and completed a set of steps but my trust was damaged. I am still trying to figure out what makes a good sponsor, and I’m fortunate to have several sponsees who are helping me today. Sponsorship feels more like being a student today than the teacher I thought I was supposed to be. Sponsees tell me what is working for them and what is not. We talk about struggles and how best to serve the God of their understanding.

We have found it helpful to have a sponsor and to use this sponsor. Sponsorship is merely a way of describing the special interest of an experienced member that can mean so much to newcomers after they turn to N.A. for help. Sponsorship is also a two-way street,…helping both the newcomer and the sponsor. The sponsor’s clean time and experience may well depend on the availability of sponsors in a locality. Sponsorship is also the responsibility of the group for helping the newcomer. It is implied and informal in its approach, but it is the heart of the N.A. way of recovery from addiction—one addict helping another.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 5, “What Can I do?”, line numbered, pg 52.

Bad Ideas

I have had a lot of bad ideas about sponsorship over the years. The fellowship is diverse so I try and let go of any ideas I have about what recovery should look like for someone else. I have found a lot of benefit in taking a special interest in newcomers. Sometimes those relationships turn into sponsorship. Many of my best ideas became bad ideas once I was able to share them with a sponsor. It is nice to be that person for someone else. I try not to guide sponsees or offer directions. Each addict has a unique perspective on Fellowship. I love these three lines from Information Pamphlet #6, published by Narcotics Anonymous in 1976.

…We in the recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous have noted with some satisfaction that many of the relapsers, when again active in their prime or substitute addiction have dropped many of the parallel behaviors that characterized them in the past…

…Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society…

…An addict, who by any means, can lose even for a time the need or desire to use, and has free choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery…
IP #6, Narcotics Anonymous, 1976, available at this link from the Autonomous Region for Narcotics Anonymous

The Fourth Edition of the Basic Text introduced the idea that ‘Self-Seekers’ were part of Narcotic Anonymous but that was never approved by the Groups. I wrote an article about the evolution of self-seeking as a behavior to self-seekers as a classification of member. Sponsoring a self-seeker comes with some challenges but the same is likely true for other types of addicts. I do believe that I cannot measure someone’s desire to stop using. Self-seekers seem to make up a significant portion of the Fellowship and have become role models for newcomers. Sponsoring can be particularly challenging when there are so few examples of what recovery can look like.

Help Others Program

In the end, what the literature says is when we meet regularly to help each other. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program but a help others program. Helping others comes with a unique set of challenges. I have learned I cannot fix another person, even if I sponsor them. Helping others involves the sponsee arriving at a problem and talking about solutions. Navigating the relationships required for unity is less challenging when I have a sponsor. Unity brings a unique set of problems.

Self-help is best left to the professionals. Self-seeking has the potential to become another manifestation of addiction. This is evident by the rapid rise in therapists, self-help books, gurus, and healers. Self-help is a billion-dollar industry fueled by the self-seekers. The carrot of potential hanging in front of the self-seeker is more powerful than any drug.

Having Had a Spiritual Awakening

The full range of human experiences becomes evident as you start to sponsor people. There are great dangers in exposing trauma and providing even the basics of therapy. Narcotics Anonymous is a ‘we’ program, and sponsors can help with unity but not in providing discount therapy, in my opinion. When a addict completes the steps, they are encouraged to practice spiritual principles, carry a message to other addicts as a result of an awakening of the spirit. My role as a sponsor has been facilitating the change of an individual into a member. That change involves the application of the Twelve Traditions. My experience is that each of us is already a perfect example of what a human can be. Our true value shines when we work together.

The journey from self-obsession to God expression

Originally published on a website thefix.com in February 2020

Recently I was watching a TEDtalk titled “Fighting injustice with art and empathy” by Yana Buhrer Tavanier. She made a statement that profoundly altered my idea of unity. Her claim was that the opposite of unity is not uniformity but oppression. I wrestled with this idea often over the next few weeks and discussed it with my friends and support group. How did this concept fit into my behaviors as a member of Narcotics Anonymous and what were my experiences with others? I remember when I was first in the program I would get upset every time a member would identify themselves as ‘clean and sober.’ Early on I had been encouraged to identify myself as an ‘addict’, I was ‘clean’ and this simple idea would best carry a message to other addicts. I came to realize that there was a lot more to be gained by the application of spiritual principles in these matters than an angry finger poke to the chest of said members. My behaviors were about oppressing others even if my motives were pure.

When we first come to the Program, we usually express a lot of things which seem to be important wants and needs. As we grow spiritually and find out about a Power greater than ourselves, we begin to realize that as long as our spiritual needs are truly met, our living problems are reduced to a point of comfort. When we forget where our real strength lies, we quickly become subject to the same patterns of thinking and action that got us to the Program in the first place.
The Grey Book of Narcotics Anonymous (Step 11, Page 43)

In Narcotics Anonymous I’ve heard the saying ‘doing the right thing for the right reason is never wrong’. I wonder if that includes this idea of enforcing the fundamental spiritual principles of the program. Do I have the right to impose my will on others?

Oppression

A few years ago, my job had ended in a wrongful termination and my support group had eroded. I was sitting in my addiction counsellor’s office rebuilding my fragile ego. We were talking about how I was being ordered to stop printing and distributing meeting lists for Narcotics Anonymous. I showed him the text from another member of NA and we both sat in silent reflection for a moment. He seemed puzzled by my confusion and I guess so was I. I was on the receiving end of oppression and I had no tools to deal with it. He suggested that his office had four full time addiction counsellors and he had never had anyone ask if they could put meeting lists out. I asked if he was willing and he looked even more puzzled then answered “of course”. I handed him a stack of a hundred that I printed and paid for myself. It would seem to me that if addiction is self-obsession, then the natural path out is in thinking more of others than yourself. I was not working alone in this when I talked to other members worldwide. The application of the principles learned in the 12 traditions allowed me to work with other members in a home group, but they must be willing. As a member of NA, I have embraced the primary purpose of carrying a message to the still suffering addict and I personally see no better method than the distribution of accurate meeting lists to as many places as possible but that seemed to put me in opposition to others. I was taught that my efforts to carry the message of hope to the still suffering addict was aligned with the primary purpose of Narcotics Anonymous groups.

Each group does have complete freedom, except when their actions affect other groups or N.A. as a whole. Like group conscience, autonomy can be a two-edged sword. Group autonomy has been used to justify the violation of the Traditions. If a contradiction exists, we have slipped away from our principles. If we check to make sure that our actions are clearly within the bounds of our Traditions; if we do not dictate to other groups, or force anything upon them; and if we consider the consequences of our action ahead of time, then all will be well.
(Grey book, tradition 4, page 100)

Groups vary in how they deliver the message of hope to the suffering addict. Some sign court attendance papers, and others refuse. One group might allow people on drug replacement therapies, like Suboxone to share, others ask them to sit quietly and listen. When my spiritual needs are not met, and I am not comfortable with the group, I can leave, start my own group or join another. My experience has shown me that groups dominated by oppressive members tend to stagnate or die out and close. Being inclusive is much more powerful in my experience. When our intentions as a group are pure, the group seems to flourish and grow. I believe this is the idea of autonomy. In the same way that my spiritual needs are primary to my survival, then so is the spiritual needs of my group. What happens when my group works with other groups and a conflict arises?

N.A. as such ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.”

Without this Tradition, our Fellowship would be in opposition to spiritual principles. A loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience is our ultimate authority.
(Grey book, tradition 9, page 110)

The Group

I have struggled many times in my journey. I have a new way to live thru the practical application of the spiritual principles learned in the 12 steps and 12 traditions of Narcotics Anonymous. Sometimes there seemed to be dead ends when I practice spiritual principles in all my affairs. What I found is that the world unfolds with little concern for my desires. My wants can be just another layer of self-obsession I hold on to. Perhaps the same can hold true for groups. That may be why Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of members who meet regularly in groups. No individual is less than another. The same holds true for groups it would seem. Organization of any sort may interfere with the expression of God. Service bodies clearly need to be organized to be effective and are not accountable to God, but to the groups they serve and therefore not part of NA.

Groups may choose to participate or not with any service structures according to tradition 4 and 9. Some groups have operated independently and may form local service bodies that service the needs of the groups. In the 1990’s, The Narcotics Anonymous World Service corporation created the Fellowship Intellectual Property Trust on behalf of some groups with the intention of protecting the copywrites of Narcotics Anonymous. Other groups ignored the trust, the governance of the NAWS Corporation and continued to operate independently. The ability and right of the NAWS Corporation to manage the trust has been called into question by the Autonomous Region of Narcotics Anonymous who have launched a petition in the state of California where the trust is held. You can read more about the nature of the petition here. The oppression of others really does affect unity and this petition to the court will offer real hope to those groups who see service bodies in a different way.