Step Four, A Fearless and Moral Inventory.
A valuable tool for addicts who choose to participate in Narcotics Anonymous is the personal inventory. I found out It is also one of the most destructive tools in recovery when used incorrectly. Many addicts attend meetings regularly, find a sponsor and work through the steps. Some members use a process of questions and discussions to complete the steps that have been passed on for decades from sponsor to sponsee. The NAWS Corporation has produced a step working guide that is for sale at many meetings and is popular with new members of the Fellowship. I wanted to share my experiences with a Step Four inventory. I have completed three inventories and two sets of steps since I came to the Fellowship in 2002.
Treatment and Rehab
A lot of members start the steps in treatment centers. Treatment centers are not part of Narcotics Anonymous and have adapted parts of the Twelve Step program to suit their needs. Most use a system called the ‘Minnesota Model’ based on professionals interpreting the twelve step process. I often hear from members that NA is aftercare while in treatment and if they keep attending. I needed an understanding of the spiritual principles learned in the Steps to work with others in a home group focused on the Twelve Traditions. The greatest benefit to me personally is the application of the Twelve Traditions in my group. Some treatment center clients will abandon the Twelve Step process after they have completed Step Five, where they share the personal inventory with another individual. The inventory is not a scalpel where you dissect yourself for improvement. The rooms of Narcotics Anonymous are full of treatment center victims. This endless cycle of abuse continues when they relapse and go back to treatment, then start another set of Steps. Some look at recovery in Narcotics Anonymous as a self-help program. Self-obsession is the core of the disease, and Step Four should treat the disease, not add to it. Members can be court ordered to attend meetings and have no interest in participating fully. Some will take advantage of all the government sponsored programs developed to help them recover. Those who work in the treatment industry, policy makers, the courts and law enforcement experience the worst results of what they see as the Narcotics Anonymous program. The greatest benefit for professionals to fully understand and experience what recovery in Narcotics Anonymous looks like is in our unity, not our personalities.
What I found in the Steps
I never believed the steps were intended to make me a better person but simply to gain understanding of who I am. The simple act of living a drug free lifestyle will improve many addicts’ lives. In Narcotics Anonymous we can find new ways of using that do not involve drugs. The Tenth Step is an inventory of our commitment to Narcotics Anonymous. Some of my most destructive traits took years to unlock and expose to the light.
By the same token we have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Narcotics Anonymous, IP No. 6 “Recovery and Relapse”, The White Book, and Any version of the Basic Text
How can my dishonesty and self-deception manifest itself in daily living? This can be difficult to diagnose alone. I have always found it important to have a sponsor and a group I attend regularly. I was taught to find a home group and participate fully in the efforts of the group. I have always sought a few members I felt I could trust. What part does Narcotics Anonymous play in the process?
N.A. is a non-profit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs.
[Basic Text, Grey Book, Chapter two, “What is N.A.”]
Recovering and Recovered
I believe that we were ‘recovered’ addicts when we help others, and ‘recovering’ when we tell others what we want to do about our problems and how they can help. We forge bonds of unity by working together. I use this simple idea of recovering and recovered. It is how I keep myself from using drugs, defects, and shortcomings to support my addiction. Narcotics Anonymous is a safe place regardless of clean time or intentions beyond a simple desire to stop using. Some members struggle with active addiction for a while or taper off from drug replacement therapies like suboxone or methadone. Members can remain abstinent but struggle with defects or are simply self-seekers who have lost the desire to stop using. I was taught that the program begins as I work the steps completely abstinent. My experiences in completing the steps mimic what the basic text says.
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”
[Narcotics Anonymous, Step 12]
From my observations, practicing these principles in all our affairs is a struggle. In some cases, principles are completely abandoned. Today I feel clear in my mind and surrounded by love. I try to stay connected but maintain healthy boundaries with a vibrant Fellowship.
Those in Service to Narcotics Anonymous
Bob Stone was the first executive director of the World Service Office for Narcotics Anonymous. He was not an addict. The World Service Office would morph into the NAWS corporation. He remarked in his book (“My Years With Narcotics Anonymous”, Originally published and copyrighted in 1997 by Hulon Pendleton Publishing L.L.C.) at how petty members with significant clean time were, but his experience was with a small segment of the Fellowship. Those members were trying to govern a rapidly growing fellowship in the 1980s and early 1990s. Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual movement and grows organically every day in many parts of the world without the need to be managed. I believe members acted dishonestly or allowed self-deception to influence changes in our fellowship that had a far-reaching impact. Growth halted quickly in North America. The solution for them was to make service structures and events part of NA. Events are a growing part of funding those in power and can provide a soapbox for the worst examples of our disease. The groups had already approved the original literature which referred to anything outside a group as not a part of NA and emphasized the importance of no governance.
A Small World Emerges
With the literature changes, members who have never fully recovered can built entire lives inside the fellowship by filling their time with events and service work. Today members use terms like event-based recovery or service-based recovery in a derogatory fashion to describe these behaviors. At work or in your personal life you might never experience the prestige of being a Convention Speaker, Distinguished Service Member and/or authority on all things pertaining to Narcotics Anonymous.
Rather than inventory themselves or their service efforts, members use the inventory process as a weapon to drive away others. Service bodies should be fully accountable to and supported financially by the groups. Some service structures do function remarkably well. I feel like it is related to the strength of the unity of those groups who participate fully without the need to inventory each other. Look and see for yourself the effectiveness of service structures when they are accountable to the groups. Social media and virtual NA has opened the window to healthy fellowships around the world. I love the strength of my program today and the people who participate daily in my life.
Our strength is Our Diversity
All members should be freely participate in NA as equals regardless of their place in the journey to complete recovery. The personal inventory I took laid the foundation for the rest of the work I did in completing the steps and applying the traditions. The daily practice of applying spiritual principles in all my affairs continues. When I struggle with this practice, I ask for help from other members in the group I’m a member of or people in my circle. New people and a growing fellowship strengthen my recovery and offer me more freedom with each passing day. The diversity of the group gives me the opportunity to apply the traditions in my life and further strengthens my practice of applying spiritual principles. Groups grow and new groups form. The stigma of being an addict is no longer a barrier. I can fully contribute to society and participate in all the world has to offer. The greatest freedom is from self-obsession as I remain vigilant in carrying a message to the still suffering addict. For me, the greatest gift has been informing the public about Narcotics Anonymous by distributing meeting lists and developing websites.