Tag: Narcotics Anonymous

The Grace of God

God

The concept of God is a difficult hurdle for many people who come to twelve step programs.  Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual organization and the literature refers to the word God.  In AA, they expanded the concept by offering a ‘God of your understanding’ and most twelve step programs have adopted that concept for themselves. Narcotics Anonymous literature refers to a ‘Higher Power’. I believe that regardless of what beliefs you arrive with, you will need to come to terms with the idea of some power greater than yourself.  My personal beliefs when I arrived at my first twelve step meeting was that God, spiritual beliefs, mysticism, and the whole concept of a spiritual existence was for weak minded people who needed a crutch.  I did have some beliefs that I accepted as possible once I qualified my answers. I needed to have a lengthy explanation to justify my beliefs. I was willing to admit that some people might be psychic, and ghosts sounded plausible.  When I was sarcastic, I would say that prayer was an excellent way to spend time until your plane impacts the side of a mountain. At the time, I wouldn’t say I was cynical but looking back I believed that God had never done anything for me, hadn’t been a factor in my life and wasn’t likely to appear any time soon. When I hit bottom, I did have an awakening to the idea that my life was wildly out of control, and I was a mess. I went to my first meeting, expecting nothing, with little hope, and perhaps open to the possibility of some relief. I didn’t expect to find help for someone like me.  Even if God existed, there were many people who were more deserving of help.  I had heard the words, “God’s Grace” but never really given it much thought.

 Compassion

The ‘Grace of God’ is hard to define without the heavy religious overtones of our Christian based society.  For this article, I will use the definition of Grace as unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. Both the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the original manuscript for the Basic Text used in Narcotics Anonymous referenced the Grace of God. The latest version of the Basic Text published by the NAWS Corporation still mentions God’s Grace in the ‘How It Works’ section; Step Eleven.  It’s a touchy subject with many people but the concept of Grace from a higher power isn’t exclusive to Christianity.  In Buddhism, they have the idea of a bodhisattva. This is a person who has achieved the capacity to obtain enlightenment and become a buddha, but in an act of great compassion chooses to remain in this realm and work to end the suffering of the masses – the act itself is Grace. Hinduism refers to Kripa and Hellenism (Greek mysticism) refers to Kharis.  Grace is what I was offered when I arrived at the rooms, what I learned in doing the steps, and what I try and extend to all. IF you are uncomfortable with the idea of a God then think of Grace as nothing more than compassion offered regardless of the situation.  Think of how the world would be if compassion was at the front of each passing moment.

Eighty-Four Days

The most powerful story I have ever read in recovery was titled Eighty-Four Days. It was published in the Iranian Narcotics Anonymous journal called Payam Behboodi. It’s a letter from a prisoner in jail about his gratitude for eighty-four days clean and how we as recovering addicts should work together and help each other. His gratitude is also for the will of God. His death was by hanging the next morning as punishment for the crimes he had committed. I found a connection with the powerful message. I often feel as if I am in a self-imposed prison. My character defects and shortcomings have always prevented me from being a part of things. I am difficult to get to know, difficult to be around and have little interest in the world around me.  My struggles are with Self, as is the case for many in recovery. Having done a set of steps I also know I have assets and have provided for my family for many years. I also contribute in many ways to society.  I might never be rich or successful but I have always managed to provide for my family.  I have much in my life to be grateful for. I go to meetings and listen to one speaker after another share about their gratitude for what recovery has given them. They talk about their support group, or their vacations and possessions as if those are important.  My belief is that gratitude we share in recovery is reserved for our higher power, however you want to define that.  The vacations, new cars or luxuries might be nothing more than self-obsession and ultimately, that is  the core of the disease of addiction. My gratitude speaks with Grace that I extend to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and society at large.  Ultimately, the gratitude that carries the strongest message is selfless service. I like to promote unity by working with anyone and including everyone. The Twelve Traditions we study in twelve step programs gave us the tools to ensure our focus is not on our personal relationships with our friends but with all of society. I believe that gratitude grows as our Grace grows. The Grace of God isn’t easy, it is a desperate hand extended to another off a ledge that they find themselves hanging from. The key to Grace is the ‘unmerited’ aspect, the courtesy I extend beyond what I feel is warranted or deserved. It is a part of what makes my service so valuable. Grace is the action of gratitude.

A Bigger Picture

How well your twelve step support group functions, and the service structures they create to support the groups comes from the Grace of God in my belief. It’s very easy to fall into cliques and form micro groups of support around common interests or beliefs, and exclude those we disapprove of.  The twelve-step group is the core of my recovery. The relationships I form within my group, and how I treat others IS the basis of my recovery. It’s from these relationships that I can provide Grace to others. The gratitude that comes from that connection with my higher power is the only gratitude that matters in recovery. We are selling a new way of life that costs everything and nothing. Gratitude for what I have achieved in my recovery is not a magical elixir I can bottle and transfer to another.  Friendships, lifestyle and a dizzying array of choices await many of us as we get clean but it’s all meaningless to someone who’s new or someone who is on the verge of dying.  When my journey started, I was attracted to the message and the feeling of be a part of something.  What I keep for myself when I share my recovery is true gratitude and a belief in the process. 

There is a gratitude that arises from my relationship with the God of my understanding, who guides me and gives me strength. It might be the only gratitude some members will ever achieve. My support group do a daily group text by cellphone of 5 things we are grateful for and it has been a difficult process for me. I really want to focus on all the things that I am grateful for like relationships, sunny days and the smell of rain.  I have come to accept that in turning my life and my will over to God in Step Three, I need to focus on my gratitude for my higher power’s will for me, and the strength that comes to me. Compassion for another is a gift for myself and does more to restore my own worth than anything I could acquire on my own.

The Benevolent Dictatorship of NAWS

Originally Published in 2019 on a website called ‘The Fix’

Narcotics Anonymous grew from the ashes of many failed attempts to find a solution to those who suffered from drug addictions. The first seeds were planted for some members who had experienced relief in Alcoholics Anonymous but most continued to perish.  Early NA members adapted the 12 steps and 12 traditions from AA to suit the needs of addicts seeking recovery and started this new Fellowship in 1953.  By 1980 after 27 years, there were 1,000 groups, mostly in the United States and many members who believed they had found a solution. Those experiences were gathered in the publication of the Basic Text in the early 80’s which became the primary book of Narcotics Anonymous. By 1987 there were 7,000 groups and an expanding service structure. There was tremendous power struggles and turbulence in a rapidly expanding fellowship. Nowhere was that more evident than with the handling of the literature.  the Fellowship approved first edition of the Basic Text was printed in 1983. There were numerous revisions as a result of power struggles and this resulted in a poorly received, heavily edited 4th edition in 1987. Narcotics Anonymous had a rift within the fellowship as a result and that would grow to become a chasm. The majority of those in control of the World Service Office had disagreed with the direction the groups wanted to go with regards to the service structures. Those early groups wanted the service structures to operate as outside enterprises from the Fellowship and groups should not be governed in any way.  Some addicts believed it was important to maintain the autonomy of the groups who were responsible for carrying the message of NA. Others saw the service structures as an extension of the Fellowship they were serving and believed that groups would require governance in order to maintain the purity of the message. When the 5th edition of the Basic Text was finally produced in 1988 it ushered in an era of stability as those who had supported governance took control.  Early profits allowed the WSO (which would evolve into the Narcotics Anonymous World Service corporation (NAWS) in the 1990’s) to function and grow. Some of those profits were coming from sales of literature to outside organizations like Hazelden.  Many members were happy with the results and were excited to move forward with this new entity. There were also those who held onto the past and expressed concerns about this new corporate image. The results are visible in the worldwide Fellowship that exists today. International efforts of individual members and groups continue to grow the fellowship, but North American growth has stagnated.  A significant portion of those who attend Narcotics Anonymous meetings in North America today fail to understand the nature of the program because of misinformation.

Narcotics Anonymous, Today

Narcotics Anonymous is estimated to have at least 30,000 groups worldwide today that hold over 60,000 support meetings regularly (daily, weekly or other).  The existing service structure of Narcotics Anonymous has each group assigning a group service representative or GSR.  GSR’s often choose to come together to form an Area Service Committee (ASC) that assists those groups by providing services like meeting list distribution and help lines.  ASC’s often elect a representative to attend a Regional Service Body, and each of the Regions can send a representative to a World Service Conference (WSC).  The WSC was responsible for directing the actions of the World Service Office (WSO/NAWS). It is unclear how much support NAWS or the WSC has today from members and groups.  Of the approximately 130+ regions that attend the WSC, only 37 claim to be 85% (or more) supported financially by the groups they serve but those regions account for half the groups in the world, and 60% of the meetings. This strong minority has little influence over the majority which will skew results of decisions.  NAWS itself have been promoting Consensus Based Decision Making (CBDM) as a mechanism for making decisions. CBDM has a major flaw in what experts call ‘group think’ where dissension is lost as members always seek solutions. Service bodies only reflect the will of those who participate when CBDM is utilized. Groups have always sought direction by forming a conscience at the local level which is lost in CBDM. The original Basic Text written and approved by the groups in 1983 referred to service bodies as outside issues because those bodies could not create a group conscience and make decisions. The accountability to groups has been lost and members abdicate their responsibilities away to service structures.

Estimated Groups and Meetings from WSC Regional Reports
Regions That do not rely on literature profits or Conventions and the number of Groups reported

Only 27% of Regions report they are self supporting from Group/Area contributions but they account for 60% of meetings.

Literature Wars and the FIPT

In the 1980’s the demands from the growing fellowship created enormous opportunity for literature sales and governance.  Certain members who remain true to NAWS have become highlighted speakers at events and actively promote NAWS. The WSO/NAWS who were reliant on literature sales to this expanding fellowship fueled the production of new literature.  One annual report produced by the WSO/NAWS in the early 1990’s credits two major writing projects, the ‘Just For Today’, and ‘It Works, How and Why’ for saving the corporation financially.  Both publications were never approved by groups and substantially written and approved by professionals and a select group of special workers. Another professional written publication was the 12 Concepts of Service. NAWS introduced the 12 Concepts of Service to help govern the efforts of the service bodies. Today, the Guide to World Services implicitly states that the 12 Concepts can only be modified by a tally vote of all the known groups in the world even though the groups never adopted the 12 Concepts. Clearly this is an act of governance which groups wanted to avoid in the original literature. The WSO/NAWS also created the Fellowship Intellectual Property Trust (FIPT) in 1991 to secure control of the copywrites on all current and future literature.  Many believe this prompted the publication of the 6th edition of the Basic Text.

Growth is another interesting source of misinformation. Taking figures from WSO/NAWS reports, we find that in 1986 we showed a total of 8380 meetings with all but 452 located in North America. In 1995, the total number of meetings registered with WSO/NAWS had climbed to about 18,500 in North America, and another 3,000 internationally.  The number of meetings in North America has remained unchanged since then but it is difficult to get accurate numbers as some groups and areas no longer participate in North American regional and world services.  Growth internationally has been nothing short of phenomenal and entirely developed by locals. No where is this more evident than in Iran.  NAWS became aware of the Iranian fellowship in early 2000. NAWS representatives travelled to Iran in 2003 and found almost 4,000 groups with 18,000 meetings. Iran had translated literature, setup production and distribution without any direction from NAWS. NAWS touts the success story of Iran for Narcotics Anonymous but the irrelevance of NAWS in that success is not advertised. This story is repeated in many geographical areas of the world where local efforts to grow the fellowship and translate literature are often curtailed at some point by NAWS demands to control the intellectual property rights, the profits of sales and governance of the corporate image. By insisting that the service structures are a part of NA and not an outside enterprise, NAWS can include itself in the successes of a Fellowship that they had no part in creating. This promotes the NAWS corporate image but does little to promote unity and fellowship.

Baby Blues

Control of the copywrites has been a primary concern for NAWS for decades now.  With so much controversy over the literature during the 1980’s and early 90’s, many individuals, groups and areas ignored NAWS and concerned themselves with local matters and started producing literature independently, including a Basic Text.  Big Lou and Grateful Dave were two well-known trusted servants who were assigned by service structures to assist with printing and distributing a version of the Basic Text that became known as the ‘baby blue’.  Baby blues are still printed and distributed all over the world. NAWS believed the literature was illegal and tried to put a stop to it by suing Dave. Dave won his case but was not able to enforce the settlement with NAWS before he passed away.  NAWS failed to follow thru on the agreement reached with Dave in court. The main speaker at a world convention expressed gratitude that members had vandalized Big Lou’s car, he hurled insults at Lou from the podium, and falsely accused him of profiting from sales of the Baby Blue.  Lou relapsed and died of an overdose shortly afterwards because Narcotics Anonymous was no longer a safe place for him to attend. These behaviors of misleading and targeting members who are outspoken against NAWS continue to this day. The Lower Desert Area in Palm Desert California created a video explaining the new Service System (called the SSP) proposed by NAWS. The system was designed by a professional firm and was intended to replace the existing service structure. By many accounts the area committee did an excellent job explaining the new system. Some NA members expressed concerns after viewing the video that the new system was overly complicated and violated the 12 traditions. NAWS heard of those concerns and responded by discrediting the individual who voiced the video. The chairman of the World Board issued a response that mislead the fellowship about the origins of the project by indicating it was a solo effort and not a service body’s creation.  

NAWS Delinquency

In researching this article, I discovered that the California Registration of Charities requires that tax forms be filed regularly. You can extend the deadline by only a few months. the year end of the NAWS corporation is June 30th so the latest the tax forms can be filed is May 15th of the following year with the state of California. The 2003, 2005 and 2008 tax returns for NAWS were not filed in a timely manner. On Sept 24th, 2009 a delinquency letter was issued that was ignored. A 2nd delinquency letter was issued in June of 2010. The correct paperwork was finally filed at the end of June of 2010. I contacted NAWS who insisted that an extension was granted but the Department of Justice for California indicated that an extension was neither requested nor granted. Failing to file the paperwork correctly jeopardizes an organization’s charitable status and could have resulted in serious consequences such as a loss of charitable status for a corporation that controls the copywrites to the literature.

More than 80% of NAWS revenue continues to come from sales of literature. The bulk of the profits come from North America where prices have risen dramatically. Information Pamphlets (IP’s), Basic Texts and a small book originally created in the 1960’s called the Little White book are examples of Literature sold by NAWS;

198919952016
# Items sold;  
IP’s (millions)5.84.25.2
Basic Texts363,089275,000272,124
White Books447,610400,000450,000
$Dollars
Cost of Goods$1,676,900$1,533,478$1,701,988
salaries1,050,8091,668,1172,959,260
travel176,880141,00026,957
Revenue$4,033,759$4,284,802$10,835,519
#Staff434475

Sales have been relatively flat for 30 years despite the Fellowship doubling in size. NAWS reliance on literature profits has caused a dramatic increase in markups as the years have gone by and a stagnant North American Fellowship bears the burden as wages, staffing and travel has increased. Today, there are far more trips both domestically and internationally but travel costs are now buried in other headings like ‘Fellowship Development’, ‘Conferences’ and ‘Workshops’ so the true total is likely over a million dollars but only 26,957 is reported on tax forms and annual reports.  The increased staffing and travel allow NAWS, special workers and world board members to promote the brand that they took control of when they secured the intellectual property rights. There is little support financial from the international community of Narcotics Anonymous in sales or donations. Travel costs are largely concerned with maintaining and selling the brand at fellowship events and to the literature buying community.  The South Florida Region recently requested an audit of NAWS and was granted a limited view of the books. The misinformation, the lack of accountability and lack of transparency will continue to affect NAWS. More and more, the groups that make up Narcotics Anonymous have turned away to alternative service structures or operate independently. Rumors persist that NAWS will seek to close that audit loophole and tighten control of the FIPT at the next WSC while never addressing the declining unity in North America.

Help Others

Narcotics Anonymous formed from a desire by early members to help others who struggled with drug addictions. The spiritual nature of the program relies on the generosity of members who attend regularly. The program says the core of the disease of addiction is self-obsession so the solution must be in altruism. The ‘weak majority’ of regions often complain of a lack of support from the Fellowship in regional summaries produced for the WSC.  The Fellowship who understand and are the source of the strength of the program are growing increasingly disillusioned and misinformed. This will continue to weaken the North American fellowship and forces NAWS to seek profits elsewhere by expanding the brand internationally. Literature profits will continue to drive the growth of NAWS, where as the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous will grow based on those members who work to create unity, regardless of personal interests.

All Else is not NA

The Narcotics Anonymous known globally was started in 1953. In 1972 the World Service Office was formed and a 1976  World Service Conference was organized.  The World Service Office was started to distribute literature. The World Service Conferences were organized to try and provide some structure to the growing Fellowships scattered around the United State, Canada and abroad. The World Service Office would eventually become Narcotics Anonymous World Services Inc. (NAWS Inc. for short) that took control of literature production and rights in the 1990’s.

By the early 1980’s, Narcotics Anonymous was starting to become a recognized solution for people who suffered from the disease of addiction. There were over one thousand Home Groups worldwide predominately in the United States but spreading to other parts of the world. A man known to many as ‘Bo S.’ rose to prominence within the Fellowship and with the support of the World Service Conference, became the World Literature Chair. Bo worked tirelessly and with great personal sacrifice to help the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous distill the combined knowledge of the time into what is known as the “Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text”.  The effect was dramatic; nothing would ever be the same again in Narcotics Anonymous. By the end of the 1980’s Narcotics Anonymous had grown to over ten thousand Home Groups, and there were many different versions of the Basic Text in circulation. Several of the original paragraphs that were reviewed and approved by the groups for printing became contentious with some of the founding members.

One might ask: Is this really true, are we truly autonomous, what about our service committees, our offices, our activities, our hotlines, and all the other things that go on in N.A.? The answer, of course, is that these things are not N.A. They are services that we can utilize to help us in our recovery and to further the primary purpose of our groups. Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of men and women, addicts, meeting together in groups, and using a given set of spiritual principles to find freedom from addiction and a new way .to live. All else is not N.A. Those other things we mentioned are the result of members caring enough to reach out and offer their help and experience so that our road may be easier. Whether or not we choose to utilize these services for the benefit of a group is up to us, they are not thrust down our throats.

Basic Text, Tradition Four – Approval Draft, distributed 1981

A Rift forms and Members are Forced to Choose Sides.

This caused bitter infighting. Members were pitted against other members. In March of 1983, the chair of the World Service Board issued a response.

…fact that the book as approved by the 1982 World Service Conference contain the following inaccuracies: In tradition four the book states that SERVICE COMMITTEES ARE NOT NA and later in the same paragraph states “All ELSE IS NOT NA” clearly indicating that they are not a part of Narcotics Anonymous. The book further states “whether to utilize these services is up to the group”. This would allow any group to do whatever the group chose to do and continue to call themselves an NA Group, leaving the fellowship no recourse but to allow them to do so. Any group could use any literature they choose to use in meetings. The use of literature other than NA literature in meetings has been a problem in the past. This is but one of many problems that could surface in the future should the book be printed as approved.

Sally Evans, chair of the World Service Board – Link to the entire letter

World Literature Committee revoked publishing rights.

The World literature Committee were shocked at the unauthorized changes and revoked the rights of the World Service Office to print the Basic Text. What happened after is open to speculation and conjecture. There are a lot of opinions on what transpired over the next several years. Many experienced members simply walked away and returned to the roots of their recovery by supporting groups and local service efforts. Manipulation and control seem to always defeat kindness and generosity. This is evident in the fact that under NAWS Inc, The North American Groups have seen zero growth in over 30 years beyond the ever-increasing price of the literature. Members today are confused by the trusted servants who manipulate the truth and exert control. The significant international growth of the fellowship has come about because of the kindness and generosity of thousands of members like Bo S and not a result of service committees.

Collective will of the many and the few

The question that never seems to get asked is why the groups approved the literature with the phrase “all else is not N.A.” This was no random mistake or inaccuracies in transcription.   Thousands of addicts wrote, reviewed and approved the original literature. A small group of individuals modified the literature. Perhaps one answer is to go back further to the Little White Book.

“This is a simple spiritual -not religious-program, known as Narcotics Anonymous.”

Narcotics Anonymous, Little White Book,  “We Do Recover”, originally published 1966. See here on The Narcotics Anonymous Upper Cumberland Area website, History section.

a Google search offered this interesting explanation of religion.

“Religion is a set of texts, practices and beliefs about the transcendent shared by a community and involves a relationship with God. Spirituality on the other hand is about a person’s relationship with the transcendent questions that confront one as a human being. This may or may not involve relationships with God.” [Transcendent – beyond or above the range of normal or merely physical human experience.]

Tradition One

Tradition One tells us that “Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on N.A. unity.” I have always believed the Fellowship’s welfare is ahead of my personal welfare; personal recovery involves sacrifices.  Those sacrifices I make are not about loss or suffering but about generosity and kindness. These are some of the spiritual principles I practice in all my affairs.  If self-obsession is the core of the disease of addiction, then it would make sense that I adopt spiritual principles that oppose that behavior. My desire is to stop using not just drugs but anything that can be addictive including money, manipulation and control. The relationship I maintain with a power greater than myself is my source of strength. No service body can define what sacrifices I choose to make at any moment. The responsibility for my recovery lies within myself. The choices I make do not exclude me from membership.  The sacrifices I make can become the help I offer. “We meet regularly to help each other stay clean”.  NA is not a self-help program but a help others program. Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship and not a religion. I would say that my Fellowship is my Home Group and beyond that are other groups who may or may not choose to work in unity, but our common goal is to support members and attract newcomers and all else is not NA.

The Recovery Process

The early years of Narcotics Anonymous were full of efforts to document what worked. Those involved believed literature was important and could ease the journey of those who still suffered. Addicts who had experienced recovery found a sense of responsibility in carrying the message to the still suffering addicts. Tremendous efforts went into writing the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text. There is an interesting sentence in the Basic Text originally published in 1981.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Seven, ‘Recovery and Relapse’, preamble, First paragraph.

Complete Recovery

Complete recovery is magical. When I can add to that ‘acceptance within society’ I feel what can only be described as an amazing state of grace. The only obstacles I have found to this grace are my dishonesty and self-deception. Clean time is not a factor as I talk to other members and visit various groups. It feels good to just accept the best from each day. My character defects do not affect my ability to enjoy complete recovery. My history no longer weighs me down. The future holds no surprises I need to fear. I am free to be the person worthy of unconditional love that I experienced at those first Narcotics Anonymous meetings I attended. Critical to my complete recovery is the idea that I am a sick person. Surrender and acceptance of the disease is my most important goal each day. I need to be mindful of the disease that surrounds me in Narcotics Anonymous. I was confused for a long time about how sick people can help me. I was confused about how the sickness affected me. I have come to an understanding of the process of recovery that works for me today.

After coming to N.A. we realized we were sick people…who suffered from a disease like Alcoholism, Diabetes or Tuberculosis. There is no known “cure” for these—all, however, can be arrested at some point and “recovery” is then possible.

Chapter Three, ‘Why are we here’, preamble, Third paragraph.

The Twelve Steps

I was taught that the disease can be arrested at some point and only then is recovery possible. Understanding how the disease affected me was a process I learned in the Twelve Steps. I learned about my assets and defects. I made peace with the past in my amends. The most important discovery was the concept of a higher Power. The spiritual nature of the program of Narcotics Anonymous gave me purpose. Purpose directs my efforts today. If self-obsession is the core of the disease, then meeting regularly to help each other seems like a logical solution. My efforts to be of service help to arrest the disease. I found that attending a meeting clean was the only service had to offer some days.

The progression of recovery is a continuous uphill journey. Without effort we start the downhill run again. The progression of the disease is an ongoing process, even during abstinence.

Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Seven, ‘Recovery and Relapse’, preamble, Fourteenth paragraph.

Effort

The literature says that effort is required for recovery to become possible. I also learned that the disease progresses regardless of my efforts to recover. Narcotics Anonymous gave me the love I needed to overcome defects. My disease often manifests in my defects. I learned how to become entirely ready to have God remove the defects as obstacles to my efforts. The disease of addiction is insidious and some days I am reluctant to make any effort. Some days are better but I risk becoming complacent. Complacency is not laziness but a smug sense of satisfaction that I accomplished enough. Either way it is easy to return to using. The opportunity to use is on both sides of the pendulum of highs and lows.

The longer I am clean, the stronger my urge to use. I have experienced the progression of the disease despite remaining clean. I often find myself returning to using when acting on my defects.  Using tells me things that I want to hear. I sometimes find it difficult to silence the addict in my head.

The quality of my life has improved in recovery. My addiction tells me to see that as an accomplishment. That proves to me that I am doing the right things or that I know something. I stop seeing recovery as a blessing or gift that should be shared. My good fortune gives me the idea I can use successfully. My sense of entitlement grows. I need to remind myself that the longer I am here, the less I know. I have been here long enough to experience difficulties as well. The highs and lows are not evidence of anything other than life unfolding on life’s terms. I am powerless over each moment.  Each passing moment writes the future as past.  

I learned that my reluctance to apply effort to all areas of my life affects all aspects of my life.  The greatest teacher I have found is participation in a home group and the application of the Twelve Traditions.

The Twelve Traditions

My addict is using when he tells me things I want to hear.

  • I do not need to attend my home group business meetings. 
  • What I have to say is not important.
  • I simply do not care about my home group enough to attend.
  • I just want to avoid the struggles of working with other addicts.
  • I find am too busy to participate in service with others.  

The only alternative is to stop using and start learning how to live. When we are willing to follow this course and take advantage of the help available to us, a whole new life opens up. In this way, we do recover.

Today, secure in the love of the Fellowship, we can finally look another human being in the eye and be grateful for who we are.

Chapter Eight, ‘We Do Recover’, last two paragraphs.

I learned that we meet regularly to help each other. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program. Fellowship is the members of my Home Group.

The Twelve Steps taught me about effort but the Twelve Traditions taught me about recovery. Today my efforts have a purpose. Addicts who arrive from the treatment industry often lack knowledge of the Twelve Traditions. It seems that many addicts meet regularly to only to help themselves. I found myself using NA as a social club. I tried to socialize and I attended conventions.

Today we experience a full range of feelings. Before coming into the Fellowship, we either felt elated or depressed with very little in between. Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others. Answers are provided and problems are solved. It is a great gift to feel human again.

What a change from the way we used to be! That’s how we know that the N.A. program works. It is the first thing that ever convinced us that we needed to change ourselves, instead of trying to change the people and situations around us. We discover new opportunities. We find a sense of self-worth. We learn self-respect. This is a program for doing just those things. By working the steps, we come to accept a Higher Power’s will; this acceptance leads us to recovery. We lose our fear of the unknown. We are set free.

Chapter Three, ‘Why Are We Here’, last two paragraphs.

‘We needed to change ourselves’ does not always mean I become a different person. For me it means that my efforts are sometimes uncomfortable. I cannot have my way all the time. By committing to carrying the message of NA I learned to put aside my personal preferences. This ability benefits me in other areas of my life. I learn to work with others regardless of my personal feelings. Today, I always feel connected to those around me.  Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. I no longer socialize with others in NA but on occasion I find people who are kind, compassionate and generous. Life is like that as well. When two members put aside their personalities to carry a message to the newcomer, we experience our greatest strength as a Fellowship. We do recover and that recovery carries over to our lives in society.

Primary Purpose

The last year has been quite interesting because I have been living without anxiety. I still suffer from anxiety during certain instances like public speaking or if I make a fool of myself by saying or doing something awkward. The general, underlying anxiety that I have experienced most of my life has gone. I remember the circumstances that lead to the feelings of anxiety passing through rather than lingering. I spent time in meditation on the source of this miracle and believe it comes from the concept of a primary purpose.

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Two ‘What is the N.A. Program?”, Third paragraph.

I often repeated or listened to others talk about the ‘Primary Purpose’. I see now that sometimes I was trying to sway others into seeing my point of view on a given subject. I believe that is true for many of our members. All the tools I learn in NA are subject to being used to manipulate people to maintain my using as much as it is to maintain my recovery. Recovery can be difficult at times, and we are all capable of complacency. Step Twelve says that our service in Narcotics Anonymous is to further the primary purpose of our groups.

We attend meetings and make ourselves visible and available to serve the Fellowship.  We give freely and gratefully of our time, service, and what we have found here. The service we speak of in Narcotics Anonymous is the primary purpose of our groups. Service work is carrying the message to the addict who still suffers. The more eagerly we wade in and work, the richer our spiritual awakening will be.

Chapter Four ‘How It Works’, Step Twelve, Paragraph Twelve.

Individual and Group Purpose

My ideas of purpose might differ from another person’s. Within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous individuals can have different goals. Someone with a background in prisons might focus their efforts on carrying the message into prisons. We also know from the literature that there are ‘Self-Seekers’ and members who’s dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. An NA Group is governed by an ultimate authority; A loving Higher Power as expressed in a Group Conscience. I believe that the expression of the Primary Purpose comes from that Group Conscience. Groups can flourish and grow by attracting new members. I have found for myself that the primary purpose of the group is the most attractive part of the group.

One might ask, “Are we truly autonomous? What about our service committees, our offices, activities, and all the other things that go on in N.A.?” The answer is that these things are not N.A. They are services we utilize to help us in our recovery and to further the primary purpose of our groups. Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of men and women; addicts meeting in groups and using a given set of spiritual principles to find freedom from addiction and a new way to live. All else is not N.A. Those things we mentioned are the result of members caring enough to reach out and offer their help and experience so that our road might be easier. Whether we choose to utilize these services is up to the group.

Basic Text, Chapter Six “The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous’, Tradition Four, preamble

Unity of Purpose

Groups can struggle with unity. There are a lot of forces at work that make unity difficult. I have found that having a primary purpose helps to direct the efforts of the group. I have experienced a great deal in the last four years because of being part of a virtual home group.  I have been free of the strong personalities that often dominate local fellowships. I have come to see that having a clear idea of primary purpose helps in all aspects of my life.

This Sixth Tradition goes on to warn us what may happen: “lest problems of money, property or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.” These often become obsessions and shut us off from our spiritual aim. For the individual, this type of abuse can be devastating; for the group, it can be disastrous. When we as a group waiver from our primary purpose, addicts die who might have found recovery.

Basic Text, Chapter Six The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous’, Tradition Six, last paragraph

I practice principles in all my affairs. When I volunteer or when I’m at work. I practice them with my family and my friends. Regardless of the group I’m involved with, it helps me to think about a primary purpose. The primary purpose of a meeting at work might be to resolve some issue related to work flow. I put aside my personality and focus on principles. I might not feel like I always ‘win’ but the group benefits from my involvement and participation. I have a voice, but I strive to give others a voice too. By focusing on a primary purpose, I find my anxiety is decreased or eliminated. I am less focused on the outcome. I put God’s will ahead of my own. I have more faith and less fear about the future. I am free…of anxiety!  

Q&A: Two members’ experience with writing and compiling our Basic Text

After coming to NA, we found ourselves among a very special group of people who have suffered like us and found recovery. In their experiences, freely shared, we found hope for ourselves.

Basic Text, Chapter 2, ‘What Is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?’

How long were you clean for when you participated in this endeavor?

Pete B: I had just gotten back from my only relapse, which happened after my original 3 weeks clean and lasted for a weekend. I came back to my Homegroup in Bucks County, Pa, and my friend George R. suggested I get more involved in the program. There were 2 weekly meetings in Hulmeville, about a mile from where I lived. The Sat night needed a coffeemaker, so took on that commitment. Sunday Steppers needed a Secretary, and I was willing and could type, so I took that one, as well. My first group conscience meeting, about a week later, that group decided to begin writing its own steps & traditions to be able to use NA literature (defined as anything written by addicts for addicts for the purpose of recovery). I was the group’s secretary and typist, so I typed it up and edited it for use in our meetings. So I had about 2 weeks clean when I started that activity. We met up with many on the World Literature Committee at the 1st East Coast Convention, after which I got involved in many more of the activities of the World Luterzture Committee. I had about 100 days clean then. Most of my free time, when I wasn’t working or going to a meeting, was spent working on the Basic Text project. I lived ate and breathed it for the next 2 years. When we hosted the 7th World Literature Conference in our house (George R. had just moved out, and Al R. still lived there with me), I had a year and 10 months clean. At that conference I was elected Vice Chair of the World Literature Committee, shortly after Page C. was elected chair. I was still in that role a few months later when the fellowship approved the Basic Text at the World Service Conference. We had a book! I stayed involved with world lit., and began working in earnest on the History of NA, which I did for the next 2 years, hosting history workshops at the World Convention in Milwaukee in 1982 and the world convention in NYC in ‘83. I also conducted these workshops at several other conventions, including the 2nd Volunteer Region convention in 1983 in Tennessee (there’s still a tape floating around from that workshop). In November, 1983, at the 9th World Literature Conference in Jameson, Pa, I was asked to serve as Secretary of World Lit. I did that for a few months, but was so “crisp around the edges” by then I had to step away from that level of service to pursue an opportunity I had to actually go through the 12 steps with a sponsor who had experienced all 12. By then, I desperately needed that experience, and felt that my work with World Lit was done for the time being. It was – but then I got to actually recover, which was brilliant. Very grateful for how it all played out. I think that pretty much answered the first question. I was just shy of 4 years clean when I stepped away from the literature work to begin my own journey through the 12 steps.

Marc B: I became involved in Lit ‘stuff’ well before the Text was seriously envisioned. I got to do some work on the Atlanta area newsletter, Rainbow Connection, not long after I found NA, in Oct ‘79. I can’t remember exactly when that happened, though. We started a newsletter in Ohio, also, I got heavily involved in that, with Jim Miller and some other Ohio NA ‘pioneers’. I got clean in Feb ‘79, so, it didn’t take long, probably around a year or so, clean.

Why did you decide to get involved?

Pete B: When my group decided, in group conscience, to begin writing steps and traditions. I was the group’s secretary and the only one with typing and editing skills. During those first couple years, the only times I felt calm and like I was okay was when I was doing that work. The rest of the time, my life was pretty much a shit-show. So it was a no-brainer, for me, to continue doing that work. It was my lifeline.

Marc B: I got involved in Literature stuff, because I realized that communication was the essence of that ‘one addict helping another’- and the printed word was the best venue to carry that message, without being face-to-face with someone seeking recovery. My first encounter with NA Lit was the initial 6 IPs and the LWB, and I was amazed at how direct and simple, those were. I also recognised the universality of the message, and how it was conveyed. When the ‘rumblings’ of developing our own ‘Big Book’-type of Literature, and the obvious need for further IP development became more widespread, I felt committed to that endeavour. I do feel that the level of commitment is directly proportional to one’s ability to actually recover, that is just my own personal observation and experience.

Which part of the text was the most difficult to put together?

Pete B: It wasn’t a specific part of the text. The most difficult part of the whole process was having to start from scratch after 4 world literature conferences and countless thousands of hours of work had gone into the draft of the text that came out of the 4th WLC in Santa Monica, Ca. There were a number of forces, the “old guard” of NA, who felt threatened by the work we were doing. They thought World Lit was making a power move or something. We were just trying to get the book done and out into the hands of addicts so they wouldn’t have to keep dying without knowing there was a way out. But, someone out there actually stole the manuscript – everything that had been worked on up to that point. It just disappeared. I learned about this when Al R. and I arrived in Warren, Ohio for the 5th World Literature Conference there. We just dug in and worked out tails off, ‘round the clock for 8 days straight, very little sleep involved, lots of rocket-fuel grade strong coffee, and a bank of IBM correcting selectric typewriters – first time I ever even saw an electric typewriter, but I got intimately involved with one that whole week. My fingers were practically bleeding at one point, but I didn’t care – we were determined to get that work done. After all our efforts in Warren, and then in Miami a few months later, we had an Approval Form ready to send out to the entire fellowship before the end of 1981 – a pretty remarkable comeback, after having to start over from scratch in June of that year. That was the most difficult time, in my memory.

Marc B: In my opinion, based on the process and the outcome and the consequences thereof, the Traditions portion. I am always impressed, and dismayed, that the only thing that drew enough ire and interest, to warrant altering the approved Text, was those changes to the Tradition essays. No pushback on ‘god versus higher power’, no turmoil about gender terms, no need to argue about specific drug use, just the absolute need to change the portions of the Traditions, that addressed service committee’s responsibilities and accountability, and group autonomy within the. Those changes led to the controversies and divisions within our Fellowship, since then and ongoing. I do believe our Text, and Literature overall, is dynamic, and needs to be updated and revised at certain points. We, collectively, have grown and obtained more knowledge and insight, regarding ‘what works’, and more importantly, what doesn’t work. 

Do you have a funny story about the literature process you’d like to share?

Pete B: Maybe not funny, per se, but one of those moments where I laughed in disbelief and knew there were greater forces than us helping us out, despite some of the dark forces from within the fellowship that we seemed to be contending with. In the spring 1983, I’d been working on the history for about a year, and learned a ton about the NA that existed before NA as we know it started in 1953. I wasn’t really looking for that information, but it kept finding its way to me. The one instance of that that really stands out in my memory – me and this girl I was seeing at the time we’re driving out to spend the weekend at Larry No’s cabin in West Virginia. He’d invited us out there. We’d stopped in Winchester, Virginia, for lunch, and came across this used book store. As we were browsing through the books there, I was looking for this one old book on low-blood sugar that I’d heard had a reference to early NA in it. I hadn’t been able to find that book anywhere, though I knew from my research that it existed. We hadn’t said anything about the book while we were in there, but this old guy, who presumably worked there, came up to me, reached up on the top of this shelf behind me, pulled down a book and handed it to me, with a gleam in his eye, and said “here, you might need this one.” It was the book I’d been searching for for months. The girl and I looked at each other, and it was like the theme from the twilight zone was playing in the background somewhere. I still get chills down my spine just thinking about that incident. I think I might still have that book.

Marc B: There are several and rides and stories from the activities during that process. My favourite is the one of me, Jim Miller and May Kay W., working on the chapter ‘Just for Today’, and editing it down to an IP, during an all-night review and rewrite session. The committee decided to rework it back into a complete chapter, but retain the IP as a valid piece of work. Charles K., declaring ‘Work the Steps or Die, motherfucker’, became a rallying cry, taunt, definitive statement, and tenet, not just for the ‘Literature Movement’, but the Fellowship, overall. 

Why is the paragraph “Higher mental and emotions, such as conscience and the ability to love, were sharply affected by our drug use…” from the chapter ‘Who Is An Addict?’ repeated in the chapter ‘More Will Be Revealed’?

Pete B: I can’t really tell you why that statement wound up in both “Who Is An Addict”, and More Will Be Revealed. I guess it just fit both narratives. I didn’t work directly on the final edits of “Who is an Addict”, but the Phila Lit Committee that I was a part of did the final edit of More Will Be Revealed, the version of that that went into the Memphis Review Form (aka Gray Book). Oh, yeah; there’s kind of a funny story about that chapter. We had worked on Chapter 8 in the Bristol Lit Committee in Bucks County, and Phila had worked on Chapter 10. George R. chaired both committees and I typed everything up from both. George went to Memphis for WLC3 – I couldn’t go as I was desperately trying to hold onto a job. We were both living in Ivyland at the time. George called me when he got there and said, “Pete, I’m going to need you to come down here.” I told him I simply couldn’t, out of the question – “Why?” I asked. “I left chapter 10 on my bedside table, where I was reading it over last night. I need you to get it to me, somehow.” I promised I would get it to him. Fedex and UPS couldn’t get it there next day by then – it was too late in the day. So I drove out to Philadelphia airport, found a late flight to Memphis, found an honest looking passenger who was willing to take a package from a complete stranger (me) and deliver it to another complete stranger (George) in Memphis. That’s how chapter 10 got into the gray book. Our work in Phila Lit was thorough, and they didn’t make any other changes to it. And I didn’t need to spend 20 hours driving to Memphis to get it there.

Marc B: I’m not sure why that ‘passage’ got repeated, but it does fit well, in those places. Perhaps an elaboration on the ideas presented could be done in a future revision. I’m convinced that nothing that went into the process- whether that is the Gray Book product, the writing and compilation that occurred prior to the Grey Book creation, the Basic Text process- from beginning to ‘end’, the IP developments- was superfluous, or irrelevant. Everything had, and still has, a purpose, which is that simple, but vital, task, of carrying our message of recovery. I can only hope that future generations of members can revise our Literature with the focus on what our collective experience is. Our disease is universal, we all suffer the same result, the differences are relatively ephemeral- different ‘time lines’, different places and situations, but the ultimate ‘jails, institutions, and death’ are the harsh reality of our unchecked disease. Our recovery affords a life free from those destinations, and allows us to live a life worth living, we do recover- as our collective experiences demonstrate. We should focus on that, and avoid the outside influences of money, property, prestige, and also that of allowing compromise on our basic message of abstinence and reintegration with the society we have been estranged, removed or in conflict with, during our active addiction. The Steps lead us on that path, from desperate loners to productive members of the society. That will look different, to different people, in different places, and times, but the message is clear and simple and attainable, if we follow the path that has been defined for us, and the experience of those who came before can help us to understand and achieve that.

Do you feel participating in the literature process affected your recovery? How?

Pete B: Working on the Basic Text had a profound impact on my recovery. It kept me clean those first two years – I don’t know if I would’ve stayed clean otherwise. Sometimes, I felt like I was being given an unfair advantage, as I got to read many of the words that went into it in their rawest form, as input that came in all shapes and sizes, written on all kinds of material. I would type it up, it would go get cut and pasted in workshops until it turned into what would be the words of the Basic Text, and I got to type it a number of times in its various forms. Those words spoke to me as I typed them. They got into my psyche, which was still bedeviled by a lot of insane thoughts and crazy notions, but those words were far more powerful than my crazy thoughts. I knew those words would save me, and save many more addicts who didn’t even know they were addicts yet, just like I didn’t know until my first NA meeting. There was a very powerful force behind the creation of that book, and I got to be a part of that force for over 2 years. I knew that I had been blessed to be in the right place at the right time with the rights set of skills to be an active participant in that process. There’s a line from a song by Paul Simon, called Duncan, where he says “I was playing my guitar lying underneath the stars just thanking the lord for my fingers – for my fingers.” That line gets me every time – I felt like my fingers allowed me to participate in something I probably wouldn’t have, otherwise. My social skills were so burnt out early on, I couldn’t really be part of a lot of the other work going on – I had a real bad case of social anxiety then – but, safe behind a typewriter, I could contribute. Thank God for my typing skills!

Marc B: The involvement in the Lit process, had me make a deeper commitment to recovery. I’ve often said that once I decided to put all my ‘eggs’ in the NA basket, I had a vested interest in how well that ‘basket’ got handled. I understood the value of the printed word, and that was an integral part of the process of recovery, at least in my observation. I had already seen the lunacy of trying to be in control of every aspect of my life, and also trying to be a diverse as possible. Once I surrendered to the fact I had to focus on my recovery, in order to live any sort of meaningful life, that allowed me to let go of the reservations and manipulations. I also made many mistakes, bad decisions, selfish choices, and created a lot of turmoil and discord, not necessarily always intentional, but always with repercussions. Once I committed to NA recovery, the need to restore the damage from the aforementioned disease-driven wreckage, had me utilising the Steps to recover from my disease and ‘right those wrongs’. I am a firm believer that an addict, seeking recovery, can demand conditions, for their unconditional surrender- that means complete abstinence, making a self-assessment, acting upon the results of that assay, making the corrections indicates and pursuing a life in the ‘real world’- and repeating that process as often as needed or indicated. There is no ‘The End’ after the Steps, no diploma or gold-leaf engraved certificate of completion. It’s simply ‘work the Steps, or die, motherfucker!’, or as some of us altered that pearl of wisdom- ‘work the Steps, and live, motherfucker!’.

What do you feel is the most important thing for people to keep in mind about our Basic Text?

Pete B: Most important thing for people to remember about our Basic Text?  As important as that text is, and it truly is, nothing is more important for that newcomer at their very first meeting than your own experience, strength and hope, in your own words. Don’t quote the basic text to them. They don’t even know what it is. I didn’t want someone quoting a book at me when I was new. When George reached out to me in my first meeting , all I knew was this cat was for real, he kindly reached out to me, he was willing to listen to me, and he shared the truth from his own experience. That got me to come back. The book is important, but to the newcomer – You Are the Book. Be authentic and honest and just be yourself. Later, they can read the book, but at first, they might not even be able to read.  So – Be the Book. Bring it to life. Live it. I hope that helps.

Marc B: The most important thing about our Literature, is to read it, and comprehend it. I don’t think there is any more succinct and direct statement I can make, about Literature. We crafted it, to be the way to carry our message, to anyone, anywhere, and that is true now, and will be for as long as I can see. Once one reads it, it should change them, if it doesn’t initially, they should read it again, and again, until it does. And then, read it again. A few more times.

A huge thank you to Pete B and Marc B for your gracious participation and contributions.

Using

Addiction often focuses on drug use but using can take on lots of forms. When does using become a problem? There are obvious examples of the disease including addiction to sex, gambling, and food. There are obvious symptoms of those forms of addiction. I believe that sometimes the problems are less obvious and even open to opinion. Can Olympic athletes be addicted to performance? Perhaps they are and some might look back with regrets as they get older. An Olympic athlete might suffer from isolation and loneliness. They can have intense focus that only an addict would understand. They can seek the solstice of other athletes as they lose touch with family and friends. A Using addict attracts addicts who are using. Some of the symptoms of the disease of addiction can be associated with any lifestyle but not everyone will agree with who is an addict. I recently struggled with some feelings I associate with using, at the most unusual of places. It was a Narcotics Anonymous meeting near where I live. The feelings I struggled with were isolation and loneliness.

Early in my recovery, I was madly attending NA meetings at every opportunity. I felt a sense of connection and welcomed the opportunity to be a part of everything that was happening.  I attended conventions and took service positions.  Almost every relationship I had was in NA. I remember my sponsor saying to me that ‘Narcotics Anonymous isn’t a social club” but I ignored the warning.  I understood what he meant; NA is here for the purpose of supporting the addict and attracting newcomers, but I saw an opportunity to feel good.  I did not see that I had become addicted to a lifestyle. I thought if I surrounded myself with addicts, I would find some acceptance and maybe some self-worth. Self-obsession is the core of the disease and in the Narcotics Anonymous literature there is a line that describes my problem.

One of the problems is that we found it easier to change our perception of reality.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Five, ‘What Can I do?’

Using drugs alters our perception of reality, and when I stopped things did get better. That does not mean I was cured or that my life was amazing right away. I was faced with an increased awareness of reality. I was also subjected to an increased ability to explore other ways of using. I became more tolerant of others and that was something I needed. I became more accepting of others.  I explored my ideas about who I was while doing the Twelve Steps. I also explored ideas about what or who I could be by listening to other addicts. The world seemed to offer endless possibilities.

I heard the term ‘attraction rather than promotion’ in Tradition Eleven.  I also heard that ‘personal recovery depends on unity’ in Tradition One. I associated the phrases with the lifestyles of the members. I was eager to explore the possibilities. My view was through a narrow window of a local Fellowship. Every addict is capable of using and some have a desire to stop. Unity is easily found and fluid, changing from day to day. I did not always find healthy relationships. A member might trade cocaine for weights and crack house for a gym. They believe that everything has changed and feel good about their recovery. I could suggest that nothing has changed. It is easier for me to judge than understand the actions of another. My perception is that they are the same self-obsessed addict that they were when they were on drugs. People seem to pick and choose terms from the Twelve Steps and Traditions which become weapons in the defense of their using and in judging others.  I have something to say about everything and bring fuel to a fire of disunity. I am learning to keep my mouth shut and distance myself from some members. I have developed healthy relationships as a result. I still wonder if the worst aspect of the disease is manipulation and control but maybe that is just my problem.  It has become clear to me that some of the worst examples of active using are in those who serve the Fellowship of NA, as well as promote their ‘clean time’. The literature says that complacency is the enemy.  I focus on gratitude that I did not use drugs today. I try and have awareness of my behaviors. Narcotics Anonymous continues to grow and addicts are staying clean and carrying a message to others.

Narcotics Anonymous encourages members to meet regularly to help each other but often members are here to simply help themselves. I believe a daily inventory helps me identify a pattern of using where it affects my life or the lives of people around me. I accept Tradition Three, where I am required to have a desire to stop using.  The treatment industry often promotes the Twelve Steps but nothing on the Twelve Traditions. Some members are products of a treatment industry that promotes self-care. ‘Feelings of unity’ have become a commodity. That is not the unity referenced in literature.

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous it is imperative that the group remain stable, or else the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

And near the end…

Our Traditions are the guidelines that protect us from ourselves. They are our unity.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Tradition One

I have narrowed my focus to joining and participating in a home group. It is all the Fellowship I need. My life is stable and drama free. I have a life of abundance. Rather than acting on using, I try and focus on the spiritual principles.

By staying clean we begin to practice spiritual principles such as hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, Step Twelve

I am a Charlatan.

I read the new ‘Group Booklet’ produced by the NAWS Corporation and was offended by the addition of a footnote;

Virtual NA meetings that meet regularly can choose to be an NA group if they meet the criteria described in this booklet.

NAWS Corporation, ‘The Group Booklet’, Page 5, Footnote 3.

My first thought was that only NA Groups host meetings and the NAWS Corporation was trying to circumvent our traditions. Their approval of meetings without the responsibility of following the Twelve Traditions was in my opinion deceptive. The Traditions govern our Groups who host meetings to support members and for the purpose of carrying a message to the still suffering addict. It would not be the first time that NAWS had violated the Traditions. In this case I was wrong, and it was the members of NA who took me to school. Turns out that I am a charlatan.

A study of historical literature brought me to the original information pamphlet, published in 1976.

The gathering together of two or more member addicts for the purpose of learning how to live a drug-free life by practicing the principles of N.A. constitutes an N.A. Meeting. When these meetings are held regularly, they can become a Group.

Narcotics Anonymous, published by C.A.R.E.N.A. in 1976, IP #2, ‘The Group’ – Structure, The Member.

The Member

This 1976 information pamphlet makes the reader familiar with the structure of Narcotics Anonymous and points out that the member is the first and most important part of our service structure. The Upper Cumberland Area of Narcotics Anonymous lists a version here.  When members meet for the purpose of living a drug free lifestyle, it is considered a meeting. Even if they meet regularly, they are not necessarily a group. The Group IP was revised in 1988 and dropped the definition of a member and their importance to our service efforts. I believe it was the first time Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship approved literature was replaced with Conference approved literature, but I could be wrong. I wish it had been left as it was and I would encourage everyone to read historical literature. The revised IP included this.

Definition and purpose [of a group]

A Narcotics Anonymous group is any meeting of two or more recovering addicts who meet regularly at a specific time and place for the purpose of recovery from the disease of addiction. All Narcotics Anonymous groups are bound by the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of NA. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers.

NA IP#2 – ‘The Group’, Revised 1988.

Conference Approved and Fellowship Approved Literature

By 1988, Narcotics Anonymous had become fragmented over the changes brought about by the service structures to the Basic Text (See my post –  Paper Empires). Rapid growth and declining participation in service structures created chaos for Narcotics Anonymous. Disunity allowed strong personalities to dominate over principles. The first line in the revised text (above) merges the definition of meeting and group into a confusing statement of opinion. At this point, IP#2, ‘The Group’ became Conference Approved literature and was no longer Fellowship Approved literature. You can read the 1988 World Service Conference discussion at https://www.nahistorytree.com or this link here.

There are other points of confusion as the literature was revised. The use of ‘recovered’ and ‘recovering’ addict. This is a quote from the Fellowship approved version of the Basic Text.

N.A. is a non-profit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, “What is the N.A. Program?“

Opinions and Facts

My friend Jed in a discussion once defined ‘Charlatan’ as someone who wears a cloak of spirituality which obscures their true motives. I like this definition from Wikipedia.

A charlatan (also called a swindler or mountebank) is a person practicing quackery or a similar confidence trick in order to obtain money, power, fame, or other advantages through pretense or deception. 

See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlatan

Are all addicts in Narcotics Anonymous charlatans? Narcotics Anonymous literature says that we do enjoy complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, Recovery and Relapse, preamble.

Recovered Addict

Today, I enjoy being a recovered addict. I continue to experience the full force of the charlatans where I live. I hear from no one; I am not allowed to serve and today I am ok with that but at one point it caused me to consider suicide. I believe the purest form of recovery is the newcomer as they are free of all pretenses. I no longer hang out with the many toxic cliques that infest our Fellowship. I am only interested in our primary purpose and being part of a home group. I have healthy boundaries and enjoy the wide base of personalities within a home group. I focus on recognizing the Grace of God that allowed me to not use today. My actions are from gratitude for that gift. Fortunately, my home group offers unconditional love to me even when I start to trip over my opinions presented as facts. I am grateful today to recognize the disease within me with the help of others.  Each day begins with the opportunity to enjoy complete recovery and the opportunity to continue to communicate with newer members. Each day I can act like a charlatan, presenting opinions as facts and distancing myself from reality. I have choice today. I am free!

Subject to Revision

Everything we know is subject to revision, especially what we know about the truth.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, All versions, Chapter 9, ‘Just For Today, Living The Program’

This is an interesting quote from the Basic Text. I wondered at first what else could there be but truth but realized that I can have opinions. I know some truths and I have opinions. I easily confuse the two, and voice opinions as truth. Sometimes I do not know the truth at all, but loudly proclaim an opinion to anyone who will listen. I believe this highlights the need for continuous involvement in a home group.  I think of my home group as a complete Fellowship. A home group protects me from myself. The Twelve Traditions make sense when I consider my Home Group as a complete Fellowship. I am aware that I have a disease called addiction and I have accepted Narcotics Anonymous as a solution. My personal recovery depends on the unity of the Fellowship.

Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual, not religious program. Any clean addict is a miracle, and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender and growth. For an addict, not using is an abnormal state. We learn to live clean. We learn to be honest with ourselves and think of both sides of things. Decision-making is rough at first. Before we got clean, most of our actions were guided by impulse. Today, we are not locked into this type of thinking. We are free.

Basic Text, Chapter 8, ‘We Do Recover’

Dark Times

I understand now that Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people.  Someone pointed that out to me at a very low point in my recovery. Chapter Three of the Basic Text talks about the fact we are all sick people. NA is not a cure, but the disease can be arrested at some point, and recovery becomes possible.  That tells me that recovery is not guaranteed and not everyone participates in recovery.  I found dark times.  The arrest of the disease is the miracle I had experienced. Recovery had become possible but elusive. I did not have the skills required to deal with the many personalities. I found sickness because I was fully immersed in Narcotics Anonymous without the skills to separate myself. I ended up in pretend friendships, fake service positions, and an unquenchable thirst to be accepted. Being accepted was just like a drug, and I was full engulfed with using despite not having picked up drugs. A using addict attracts addicts who are using.  Recovery is a shared experience and is limited by the size and involvement of the Fellowship. I believe that is why our literature says, ‘the wider the base, the higher the point of freedom’. I needed a strong, diverse home group with growth. In fact, growth needed to be the primary purpose for me to experience full recovery.

I left the sickness of others and found recovery. I found a home group and made a commitment to developing relationships with everyone regardless of my personal feelings or their commitment to recovery. I healed by participating in a healthy Fellowship. I developed healthy boundaries.  I learned spiritual principles by observation and practiced them in my life. I see now that members come in all kinds of packages. There are self-seekers (opportunists, who do not care about right or wrong).  There are members whose dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. I no longer hang out with people in the program. It is difficult to watch people completely consumed with self-obsession. I find the benefits of living without ‘dishonesty and self-deception’ is that I can associate with anyone in society. I am free today. I am no longer tied to the unhealthy cliques so common in Narcotics Anonymous. I have a purpose today.

Anxiety Free

I avoid self-seeking by participating in giving back and volunteering. The greatest joy for me is being of service but I also accept others where they are at. Narcotics Anonymous has given me many skills that I did not have previously. I can participate in any situation. Healthy people answer the phone and return calls which is a rare thing to experience in the Fellowship where I live. Healthy people show up for their volunteer shifts and do the work willingly and completely. Healthy people are inclusive. I have intelligent and adult conversations about different approaches to problems. I get to participate in some unique solutions proposed by others. I learn different aspects about the truth from the perspective of another person by communicating in a healthy manner. All these unique experiences benefit my recovery. I now can be a part of anything, and as a result I have been anxiety free for almost a year. The death of a dear friend caused me to consider my relationship with the local fellowship of NA.  

Living without anxiety has opened new doors. I feel less pressure of the ‘disease of clean time’ and a need to manipulate or control others. Clean time does not seem to have any merit at all.  Life unfolds as it was meant to be. Having been around for some time means I am prone to suffer from complacency. I try and stay involved and active in local meetings.  I do love to deliver meeting lists and work on websites but accept that surrendering control is difficult for some. I wait patiently now for the opportunity to serve Narcotics Anonymous. There are many places to be of service and the COVID pandemic has opened so many doors to serve. I have less answers and more open-mindedness because of listening to newcomers. I have found writing a blog a good platform for my own ideas on truth and opinion. I connect with like minded individuals who want to work together.

Enough

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently (it feels like months…) looking at a feeling I have. Maybe ‘feeling’ is not the best word, it might be a puzzle, or maybe a bit of self-deception, I am not sure exactly what it is. I have a feeling of having enough. I am content. I want to clarify a few things first. I did not win the lottery and I have not moved to a tropical island to retire. You probably have your own ideas on what ‘enough’ is.  I have felt like this for quite a few years now. As an addict, it was a feeling that I thought would be a lot more elusive. Life is full of ups and downs, with all the raw emotions of change and I’m not immune to those. My life today rests on a foundation of happiness. I found this section of the Narcotics Anonymous literature quite relevant.

Obsessive behavior is a common denominator for addictive people. We have times when we try to fill ourselves up until we are satisfied, only to discover that there is no way to satisfy us. Part of our addictive pattern is that we can never get enough of whatever we think we want. Sometimes we forget and we think that if we can just get enough food or enough sex, or enough money we’ll be satisfied and everything will be all right. Self-will still leads us to make decisions based on manipulation, ego, lust, or false pride. We don’t like to be wrong. Our egos tell us that we can do it on our own, but loneliness and paranoia quickly return. We find that we cannot really do it alone, and when we try things get worse. We need to be reminded of where we came from and that it will get progressively worse if we use. This is when we need the Fellowship the most.  

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Seven, Recovery and Relapse.

A Wide Range of Addicts

Later versions of the Basic Text removed the phrase ‘of whatever we think we want’ but for me the original wording is best.  What I want can be a dangerous place given the right set of circumstances. Being immersed in Narcotics Anonymous does not offer much protection from want. In fact, surrounding yourself with addicts can make things worse.  Years ago, someone pointed out to me that Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. I had rose coloured glasses that told me a different story, but I see things clearly today. There are a wide range of addicts described in the Basic Text.

  • Self-seekers, opportunists with little concern for right and wrong.
  • members who remain abstinent, but whose dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from complete recovery and finding acceptance within society.
  • Addicts struggling back from relapse.
  • Others who are caught up in complacency, with a vague sense of having done the right things and an inability to see the larger picture.
  • Members enjoying complete recovery.
  • Newcomers who arrive in desperation for a new way to live.

I have tried to maintain relationships with all of them. Some I have chased like an addict looking for a fix because I thought they had something I wanted. Some of them I thought I could fix, which at its core, is another of my wants. Some used me for their own selfish desires because I allowed myself to be blind. I have also gone through dark periods where I thought Narcotics Anonymous would be better without some of them. Each pursuit of some ‘want’ brings about a reminder about powerlessness, surrender, and acceptance in my recovery.

There are some constants in my recovery. I have always had a sponsor and I have always supported a home group.  A sponsor acts as a guide, and a home group meets regularly to help each other stay clean. The primary purpose of a home group is to carry a message to the still suffering addict. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program, but a help others program.  I am currently a member of two home groups. I like this arrangement and it suits my lifestyle well. Being part of a home group has been a foundation for my recovery.  I believe being part of a home group has been instrumental in my current feelings of contentment. A healthy balance of addicts aids my recovery. There is a curious line within the Basic Text.

Death of a Fellowship

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous, it is imperative that the group remain stable, or the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

Basic Text, Chapter Six, Tradition One, fourth line.

I used to think the wording was a mistake because the phrase seemed to connect the stability of a single group to the fate of the entire Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I have a different appreciation of the language today. I confine my thoughts on Fellowship to my home group. This helps me to keep things simple and I can have a conversation with any home group member about the Traditions as they apply to our group. I do not have to like or have a personal relationship with anyone in my home group. I like the idea of Narcotics Anonymous being made up of tens of thousands of Fellowships, each with a unique personality and perspective. I still have a desire to stop using today. That desire today is more on my defects than the use of drugs. I feel connected to other members when I maintain awareness of my desire to stop. It levels the playing field and helps me to see each of us as equals. If I find the Group behaving in a way that I cannot accept, I simply find a new Fellowship of addicts following the Twelve Steps and Traditions of NA or I start a group.  Sometimes I must let things go and follow the Group Conscience. As the Fellowship grows, the shared experiences increase, and I have more freedom from self-obsession.  

False Fellowships

There are lots of false fellowships within Narcotics Anonymous. Many members attending a convention feel good and think ‘This is an amazing Fellowship’ or talk of ‘Unity’ but I see no evidence to support that at our service committee meetings. Members enjoy the thrill of a convention but abandoned their efforts to carry the message afterwards. Newcomers rarely show up to a convention for their first meeting. Some newcomers arrive at a actual meeting holding a wrinkled meeting list they have looked at for days before finally making the effort to attend a meeting. False unity becomes a drug and many addicts end up using over and over. That is not the only example.

Addicts make up false Fellowships all the time. Calling all your addict friends to go on a trip or to a beach party is not a Fellowship. Gatherings are simply a bunch of friends getting together but the illusion of ‘Fellowship’ detracts from the primary purpose. I avoid personal relationships in NA now and seek to serve. I’m tired of being used, and witnessing others using NA. It is a painful reminder of my own experience with using NA as a social club. I am as powerless over others as I am of my disease. Personal recovery depends on unity which is defined as;

a condition of harmony

continuity without deviation or change (as in purpose or action)

“Unity.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/unity. Accessed 29 Aug. 2023.

I have found that what I have learned in the last few years about Fellowship and unity benefits me in my personal life. Working with co-workers, or being part of a volunteer group, is much more rewarding now. I am focused on the purpose ahead of the personalities in all my affairs. I now have more friends than I have ever had, and many are outside the Fellowship.  What I have learned outside the Fellowship has helped me form intimate relationships with healthy people inside the Fellowship. I am a complete person and content with who I am. I also recognize that I have abundance in my life I can share.  I have time and resources to benefit others. I am enough and I have enough.