Tag: Unity

The Sponsor

The Experience of Others

There was a lot to absorb when I first started attending Narcotics Anonymous. It was like being on the receiving end of a firehose of feelings, thoughts, perceptions, and ideas. I marvel today at the newcomers who stick with the program, adapt what works and discard what does not. The diversity of the addicts who make up the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous amazes me. I heard early on that I should get a home group, work the steps, get involved in service, talk to members, and visit various groups. I also heard that I should get a sponsor. When I asked, I was told that a sponsor ‘takes you through the steps’ but I saw a lot more than that going on. I thought it was important to lay a good foundation of the basics and I went through a tremendous number of sponsors in two years. Every one of those early sponsors was a ‘loser’ when I pulled out my recovery measuring stick.  I compared what I was told ‘worked’ with what my sponsor was doing and discarded them like I was changing socks. They failed to measure up. I tried to learn from the experiences of others who seemed to find sponsors they could work with. It was hard to let go of my own ideas and embrace these vague ideas about what worked.

When The Student is Ready, The Teachers Arrive.

Some sponsors gather their sponsees around them like a hen with chicks. Other sponsors were completely indifferent. One sponsor I found was a dream come true. He was the big man at meetings, riding his motorcycle, blue collar worker and quite involved with being of service. His wife was equally involved in NA. They were the NA power couple we so often see. I was shocked when he ripped me off for sixty dollars and left town. I was hurt and thought of giving up. He stopped answering his phone, left town and avoided me like I had the plague at conventions and events over the years. I knew I must have done something wrong, and it re-enforced the idea that I was less than. It laid the foundation for a long history of abusive relationships within the fellowship. I did eventually find a good sponsor and completed a set of steps but my trust was damaged. I am still trying to figure out what makes a good sponsor, and I’m fortunate to have several sponsees who are helping me today. Sponsorship feels more like being a student today than the teacher I thought I was supposed to be.  Sponsees tell me what is working for them and what is not. We talk about struggles and how best to serve the God of their understanding.

We have found it helpful to have a sponsor and to use this sponsor. Sponsorship is merely a way of describing the special interest of an experienced member that can mean so much to newcomers after they turn to N.A. for help. Sponsorship is also a two-way street,…helping both the newcomer and the sponsor. The sponsor’s clean time and experience may well depend on the availability of sponsors in a locality. Sponsorship is also the responsibility of the group for helping the newcomer. It is implied and informal in its approach, but it is the heart of the N.A. way of recovery from addiction—one addict helping another.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 5, “What Can I do?”, line numbered, pg 52.

Bad Ideas

I have had a lot of bad ideas about sponsorship over the years. The fellowship is diverse so I try and let go of any ideas I have about what recovery should look like for someone else. I have found a lot of benefit in taking a special interest in newcomers. Sometimes those relationships turn into sponsorship. Many of my best ideas became bad ideas once I was able to share them with a sponsor. It is nice to be that person for someone else. I try not to guide sponsees or offer directions. Each addict has a unique perspective on Fellowship.  I love these three lines from Information Pamphlet #6, published by Narcotics Anonymous in 1976.

…We in the recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous have noted with some satisfaction that many of the relapsers, when again active in their prime or substitute addiction have dropped many of the parallel behaviors that characterized them in the past…

…Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society…

…An addict, who by any means, can lose even for a time the need or desire to use, and has free choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery…

IP #6, Narcotics Anonymous, 1976, available at this link from the Autonomous Region for Narcotics Anonymous

The Fourth Edition of the Basic Text introduced the idea that ‘Self-Seekers’ were part of Narcotic Anonymous but that was never approved by the Groups. I wrote an article about the evolution of self-seeking as a behavior to self-seekers as a classification of member. Sponsoring a self-seeker comes with some challenges but the same is likely true for other types of addicts. I do believe that I cannot measure someone’s desire to stop using. Self-seekers seem to make up a significant portion of the Fellowship and have become role models for newcomers. Sponsoring can be particularly challenging when there are so few examples of what recovery can look like.

Help Others Program

In the end, what the literature says is when we meet regularly to help each other. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program but a help others program. Helping others comes with a unique set of challenges. I have learned I cannot fix another person, even if I sponsor them. Helping others involves the sponsee arriving at a problem and talking about solutions. Navigating the relationships required for unity is less challenging when I have a sponsor. Unity brings a unique set of problems.

Self-help is best left to the professionals. Self-seeking has the potential to become another manifestation of addiction. This is evident by the rapid rise in therapists, self-help books, gurus, and healers. Self-help is a billion-dollar industry fueled by the self-seekers. The carrot of potential hanging in front of the self-seeker is more powerful than any drug.

Having Had a Spiritual Awakening

The full range of human experiences becomes evident as you start to sponsor people. There are great dangers in exposing trauma and providing even the basics of therapy. Narcotics Anonymous is a ‘we’ program, and sponsors can help with unity but not in providing discount therapy, in my opinion. When a addict completes the steps, they are encouraged to practice spiritual principles, carry a message to other addicts as a result of an awakening of the spirit. My role as a sponsor has been facilitating the change of an individual into a member.  That change involves the application of the Twelve Traditions.  My experience is that each of us is already a perfect example of what a human can be. Our true value shines when we work together.

Disunity

Defects and Shortcomings.

I lacked a lot of self-awareness when I came to Narcotics Anonymous in 2002. I had a general sense of being less than, and I had behaved in ways that lowered my self-esteem. I felt some sort of deep sense of resentment for what I thought I was owed.  Some of the dark moments of my life played over and over in my mind. Despite all this evidence that I was less than, I tried to focus on what I deserved, and that was a long list. My list of entitlements was enormous.  Every time I failed to get what I deserved; it was evidence that I was less than others. Life was a series of disappointments and drugs dulled the pain of living. Once I joined the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, things started to change. Feelings were no longer hidden under the cloud of drug use. I grappled with understanding feelings and learned new ways of processing them. What I learned came from other members who were going through similar experiences. A burden shared is a burden halved became my new reality, which encouraged me to connect with others. A joy shared is doubled, which has always struck me as odd but true. This confirmed to me the idea of sharing our experiences, strengths and hopes. By connecting with other members, our burdens are halved, and our joys are doubled.  There were other aspects of recovery that I struggled with.  Sometimes I found getting myself caught up in the endless arguments about how the program works. One example was the use of the terms, defects and shortcomings from Step Six and Step Seven of the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. This has been a constant source of disunity. I thought we had to agree on all these things to be a fellowship.

The Foundation of My Recovery

Connecting with other members became a foundation for my recovery. There are so many different personalities that connections were challenging. It was suggested to look at the similarities and that helped. Unfortunately, the differences are so glaring obvious and in my face that it was difficult to ignore. I did try and build relationships based on the similarities. I was passionate about helping and being of service. I like to meet for coffee and talk nonsense about nothing. I did not have a sense of who I was so what other people were doing was sometimes interesting and being included was powerful. The longer I remain in the Fellowship the less willing I am to take part in some discussions or activities. That discomfort is a rich source of information about my personality and I inventory my reservations, defects and shortcomings regularly.

Reservations

I was taught that reservations about my recovery are the things I put between myself and my higher power’s will. Reservations are about the choices I make. It was uncomfortable crying in front of people at first. I avoided crying because I was taught that crying was weakness. I did find acceptance and I gladly weep today. My life is deeply satisfying today, and I avoid the endless drama and cliques that form. I have a lot of reservations about the benefits of cliques and toxic relationships, so I tend to isolate myself. This causes me to not be apart and isolation is like a drug.   The reservations I want to hold on to today feel a lot like using drugs. I want to continue in this program I need to stop using. I work on not isolating myself.

Defects of Character

My defects of character I live with are about my personality. Patience and understanding allow me to start to see my defects clearly. Today I have a sense of those defects and with the help of my Higher Power, I can put aside those defects and work with others. My anger, shame, control, and other aspects of my personality no longer govern my behaviors but the feelings sometimes persist. I have contempt for other people and maintain healthy boundaries. My contempt is the source of my self-loathing. With the help of a higher power, I can put aside my contempt and work with others. I have begun to lose the desire to use my contempt.

Shortcomings

I was taught that shortcomings are where I come up short and they are the actions of my defects. Recovery for me today is about learning a new way to live. It takes practice to apply the principles in my life and I make mistakes.  I wrestle with my reservations still, and I do not always see my defects clearly. The actions I take to express my gratitude for the life I live today are critical to my success. My actions can also cause me to treat others poorly or react to situations that cause more harm than good.  The actions of my shortcomings is the source of my amends.

Unity

I take responsibility for my recovery today. I stay in the Fellowship and strive to be a part of. I believe that the wider the base, the higher the point of freedom for myself and others.  I seek out other addicts who want to practice principles and carry a message to the suffering addicts. I appreciate that some addicts see reservations, defects and shortcomings differently and that is ok with me. I have no need to try and promote my ideas about the program. I respect other peoples’ right to have an opinion and arrive at their own solutions. In a program of attraction rather than promotion, different opinions contribute to our growth. Adversity is healthy and learning to disagree promotes healthy relationships.

The Four Absolutes

Before Narcotics Anonymous was Alcoholics Anonymous. And before that was the Oxford Group who developed the ideas that became the foundation of the Twelve Step Program. The Oxford Group used ‘The Four Absolutes’ to define the spiritual direction of the Fellowship.

What are the Absolutes?

Purity

This asks the question. Is it right or is it wrong? I think we know….But practising the right decision is not as straightforward. Our fears can play a part in our decision making….even more so with the alcoholic.

Honesty

During our active addiction honesty can become a foreign concept and the ramifications of that dishonesty contributed to our sickness. We were unable to accept the dishonesty and the shame that accompanied it.

Unselfishness

We had become accustomed to putting ourselves (and our addiction) first. The final tenet of the Oxford group was ‘ continued work with others in need’ and this became the 12th step and the backbone of long term sobriety.

Love

This was a foreign concept to many of us in our addiction. Love had always been a trade-off. What do I get out of loving someone? Love is not a decision.

The Absolutes provide a decision-making formula that keeps my spirituality in check.

https://www.caminorecovery.com/blog/the-four-absolutes-a-beginners-guide-to-spirituality/#:~:text=The%20Four%20Absolutes%20can%20be,the%20early%2020th%20century.

The opposite of unity is oppression. When I promote my ideas about how things work or why we do certain things, I become a weapon of disease. Tradition One says our common welfare should come first and personal recovery depends on unity. I believe that disunity is the ultimate weapon of the disease of addiction. Some of our literature refers to the Grace of God as the reason I am clean. Others arrive at their own understanding of the miracle of recovery. Regardless of our path to this day clean, working together is our strength. Nothing is gained from promoting a certain idea or belief. I do find myself at odds with the Fellowship sometimes. I love to print and distribute meeting lists. I have been shunned and isolated for the practices I maintain for my recovery. It has taken a lot of work to get comfortable with the loneliness.

The Basic Text says, “Our spiritual condition is the basis for a successful recovery that offers unlimited growth.” There is nothing about ‘me’ in that statement. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions. I believe that anonymity is about personal sacrifice. I uphold spiritual principles as I understand them today. I am comfortable with adversity and draw strength from my higher power. I accept you as you are, not as I wish you would be.