Month: July 2023

The Sponsor

The Experience of Others

There was a lot to absorb when I first started attending Narcotics Anonymous. It was like being on the receiving end of a firehose of feelings, thoughts, perceptions, and ideas. I marvel today at the newcomers who stick with the program, adapt what works and discard what does not. The diversity of the addicts who make up the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous amazes me. I heard early on that I should get a home group, work the steps, get involved in service, talk to members, and visit various groups. I also heard that I should get a sponsor. When I asked, I was told that a sponsor ‘takes you through the steps’ but I saw a lot more than that going on. I thought it was important to lay a good foundation of the basics and I went through a tremendous number of sponsors in two years. Every one of those early sponsors was a ‘loser’ when I pulled out my recovery measuring stick.  I compared what I was told ‘worked’ with what my sponsor was doing and discarded them like I was changing socks. They failed to measure up. I tried to learn from the experiences of others who seemed to find sponsors they could work with. It was hard to let go of my own ideas and embrace these vague ideas about what worked.

When The Student is Ready, The Teachers Arrive.

Some sponsors gather their sponsees around them like a hen with chicks. Other sponsors were completely indifferent. One sponsor I found was a dream come true. He was the big man at meetings, riding his motorcycle, blue collar worker and quite involved with being of service. His wife was equally involved in NA. They were the NA power couple we so often see. I was shocked when he ripped me off for sixty dollars and left town. I was hurt and thought of giving up. He stopped answering his phone, left town and avoided me like I had the plague at conventions and events over the years. I knew I must have done something wrong, and it re-enforced the idea that I was less than. It laid the foundation for a long history of abusive relationships within the fellowship. I did eventually find a good sponsor and completed a set of steps but my trust was damaged. I am still trying to figure out what makes a good sponsor, and I’m fortunate to have several sponsees who are helping me today. Sponsorship feels more like being a student today than the teacher I thought I was supposed to be.  Sponsees tell me what is working for them and what is not. We talk about struggles and how best to serve the God of their understanding.

We have found it helpful to have a sponsor and to use this sponsor. Sponsorship is merely a way of describing the special interest of an experienced member that can mean so much to newcomers after they turn to N.A. for help. Sponsorship is also a two-way street,…helping both the newcomer and the sponsor. The sponsor’s clean time and experience may well depend on the availability of sponsors in a locality. Sponsorship is also the responsibility of the group for helping the newcomer. It is implied and informal in its approach, but it is the heart of the N.A. way of recovery from addiction—one addict helping another.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 5, “What Can I do?”, line numbered, pg 52.

Bad Ideas

I have had a lot of bad ideas about sponsorship over the years. The fellowship is diverse so I try and let go of any ideas I have about what recovery should look like for someone else. I have found a lot of benefit in taking a special interest in newcomers. Sometimes those relationships turn into sponsorship. Many of my best ideas became bad ideas once I was able to share them with a sponsor. It is nice to be that person for someone else. I try not to guide sponsees or offer directions. Each addict has a unique perspective on Fellowship.  I love these three lines from Information Pamphlet #6, published by Narcotics Anonymous in 1976.

…We in the recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous have noted with some satisfaction that many of the relapsers, when again active in their prime or substitute addiction have dropped many of the parallel behaviors that characterized them in the past…

…Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society…

…An addict, who by any means, can lose even for a time the need or desire to use, and has free choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery…

IP #6, Narcotics Anonymous, 1976, available at this link from the Autonomous Region for Narcotics Anonymous

The Fourth Edition of the Basic Text introduced the idea that ‘Self-Seekers’ were part of Narcotic Anonymous but that was never approved by the Groups. I wrote an article about the evolution of self-seeking as a behavior to self-seekers as a classification of member. Sponsoring a self-seeker comes with some challenges but the same is likely true for other types of addicts. I do believe that I cannot measure someone’s desire to stop using. Self-seekers seem to make up a significant portion of the Fellowship and have become role models for newcomers. Sponsoring can be particularly challenging when there are so few examples of what recovery can look like.

Help Others Program

In the end, what the literature says is when we meet regularly to help each other. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program but a help others program. Helping others comes with a unique set of challenges. I have learned I cannot fix another person, even if I sponsor them. Helping others involves the sponsee arriving at a problem and talking about solutions. Navigating the relationships required for unity is less challenging when I have a sponsor. Unity brings a unique set of problems.

Self-help is best left to the professionals. Self-seeking has the potential to become another manifestation of addiction. This is evident by the rapid rise in therapists, self-help books, gurus, and healers. Self-help is a billion-dollar industry fueled by the self-seekers. The carrot of potential hanging in front of the self-seeker is more powerful than any drug.

Having Had a Spiritual Awakening

The full range of human experiences becomes evident as you start to sponsor people. There are great dangers in exposing trauma and providing even the basics of therapy. Narcotics Anonymous is a ‘we’ program, and sponsors can help with unity but not in providing discount therapy, in my opinion. When a addict completes the steps, they are encouraged to practice spiritual principles, carry a message to other addicts as a result of an awakening of the spirit. My role as a sponsor has been facilitating the change of an individual into a member.  That change involves the application of the Twelve Traditions.  My experience is that each of us is already a perfect example of what a human can be. Our true value shines when we work together.

The journey from self-obsession to God expression

Originally published on a website thefix.com in February 2020

Recently I was watching a TEDtalk titled “Fighting injustice with art and empathy” by Yana Buhrer Tavanier. She made a statement that profoundly altered my idea of unity. Her claim was that the opposite of unity is not uniformity but oppression.  I wrestled with this idea often over the next few weeks and discussed it with my friends and support group. How did this concept fit into my behaviors as a member of Narcotics Anonymous and what were my experiences with others?   I remember when I was first in the program I would get upset every time a member would identify themselves as ‘clean and sober.’ Early on I had been encouraged to identify myself as an ‘addict’, I was ‘clean’ and this simple idea would best carry a message to other addicts. I came to realize that there was a lot more to be gained by the application of spiritual principles in these matters than an angry finger poke to the chest of said members. My behaviors were about oppressing others even if my motives were pure. 

When we first come to the Program, we usually express a lot of things which seem to be important wants and needs.  As we grow spiritually and find out about a Power greater than ourselves, we begin to realize that as long as our spiritual needs are truly met, our living problems are reduced to a point of comfort. When we forget where our real strength lies, we quickly become subject to the same patterns of thinking and action that got us to the Program in the first place.

The Grey Book of Narcotics Anonymous (Step 11, Page 43)

In Narcotics Anonymous I’ve heard the saying ‘doing the right thing for the right reason is never wrong’.  I wonder if that includes this idea of enforcing the fundamental spiritual principles of the program. Do I have the right to impose my will on others?

Oppression

A few years ago, my job had ended in a wrongful termination and my support group had eroded. I was sitting in my addiction counsellor’s office rebuilding my fragile ego. We were talking about how I was being ordered to stop printing and distributing meeting lists for Narcotics Anonymous. I showed him the text from another member of NA and we both sat in silent reflection for a moment. He seemed puzzled by my confusion and I guess so was I. I was on the receiving end of oppression and I had no tools to deal with it.  He suggested that his office had four full time addiction counsellors and he had never had anyone ask if they could put meeting lists out.  I asked if he was willing and he looked even more puzzled then answered “of course”. I handed him a stack of a hundred that I printed and paid for myself.  It would seem to me that if addiction is self-obsession, then the natural path out is in thinking more of others than yourself. I was not working alone in this when I talked to other members worldwide. The application of the principles learned in the 12 traditions allowed me to work with other members in a home group, but they must be willing. As a member of NA, I have embraced the primary purpose of carrying a message to the still suffering addict and I personally see no better method than the distribution of accurate meeting lists to as many places as possible but that seemed to put me in opposition to others.  I was taught that my efforts to carry the message of hope to the still suffering addict was aligned with the primary purpose of Narcotics Anonymous groups.

Each group does have complete freedom, except when their actions affect other groups or N.A. as a whole. Like group conscience, autonomy can be a two-edged sword. Group autonomy has been used to justify the violation of the Traditions. If a contradiction exists, we have slipped away from our principles. If we check to make sure that our actions are clearly within the bounds of our Traditions; if we do not dictate to other groups, or force anything upon them; and if we consider the consequences of our action ahead of time, then all will be well.

(Grey book, tradition 4, page 100)

Groups vary in how they deliver the message of hope to the suffering addict. Some sign court attendance papers, and others refuse. One group might allow people on drug replacement therapies, like Suboxone to share, others ask them to sit quietly and listen. When my spiritual needs are not met, and I am not comfortable with the group, I can leave, start my own group or join another. My experience has shown me that groups dominated by oppressive members tend to stagnate or die out and close. Being inclusive is much more powerful in my experience.  When our intentions as a group are pure, the group seems to flourish and grow. I believe this is the idea of autonomy. In the same way that my spiritual needs are primary to my survival, then so is the spiritual needs of my group.  What happens when my group works with other groups and a conflict arises?

N.A. as such ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.”

Without this Tradition, our Fellowship would be in opposition to spiritual principles. A loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience is our ultimate authority.

(Grey book, tradition 9, page 110)

The Group

I have struggled many times in my journey. I have a new way to live thru the practical application of the spiritual principles learned in the 12 steps and 12 traditions of Narcotics Anonymous.  Sometimes there seemed to be dead ends when I practice spiritual principles in all my affairs. What I found is that the world unfolds with little concern for my desires. My wants can be just another layer of self-obsession I hold on to.  Perhaps the same can hold true for groups. That may be why Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of members who meet regularly in groups. No individual is less than another.  The same holds true for groups it would seem. Organization of any sort may interfere with the expression of God. Service bodies clearly need to be organized to be effective and are not accountable to God, but to the groups they serve and therefore not part of NA.

Groups may choose to participate or not with any service structures according to tradition 4 and 9.  Some groups have operated independently and may form local service bodies that service the needs of the groups. In the 1990’s, The Narcotics Anonymous World Service corporation created the Fellowship Intellectual Property Trust on behalf of some groups with the intention of protecting the copywrites of Narcotics Anonymous. Other groups ignored the trust, the governance of the NAWS Corporation and continued to operate independently. The ability and right of the NAWS Corporation to manage the trust has been called into question by the Autonomous Region of Narcotics Anonymous who have launched a petition in the state of California where the trust is held. You can read more about the nature of the petition here. The oppression of others really does affect unity and this petition to the court will offer real hope to those groups who see service bodies in a different way.

Self-Seeking

Narcotics Anonymous has become a huge fellowship that has spread across the globe over the last seventy years. There are tens of thousands of Groups. Members are encouraged to support a Home Group. The exact number of groups is a mystery. Many groups do not participate in any service structures. Groups are only accountable to the members they serve. Most groups remain autonomous.  Only a small number of groups participate in service structures in North America. There was a time when participation was strong, literature was created by members, and approved by groups. A significant piece of literature is The Basic Text for Narcotics Anonymous which includes the following paragraphs;

Those of us who have been involved in service or in getting a group started sometimes have a hard time letting go. Egos and unfounded pride and self-will would destroy a group if given authority. We must instead remember that offices have been placed in trust, that we are trusted servants and that at no time do any of us govern. Narcotics Anonymous is a God-given Program, and we can maintain our group in dignity only with group conscience and God’s love.

Some will resist. However, many will become the role models for newcomers to follow while the self-seeking soon find they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster to themselves. Many of them change; they learn we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Third Edition, published 1984, Tradition 2, Page 59

The Basic Text went through a lot of revisions from the First Edition published in 1983 to the Fifth Edition in 1988. The Fifth Edition was the version I found when I came to the program in 2002. Versions Four, Five and Six changed the wording slightly by using ‘Self-seekers’ rather than ‘Self-seeking’.  The impact of that change was significant for me.

Some will resist. However, many will become the role models for the newcomers. The self-seekers soon find that they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster for themselves. Many of them change; they learn that we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

 Fourth Edition, published 1987, Page 59

Self-seeker

What is a self-seeker? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary provides this excellent definition.

Definition of self-seeker (noun)

as in opportunist

one who does things only for his own benefit and with little regard for right and wrong

‘he’s a self-seeker who is nice only to people who can do him favors’

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary see this link.

It was not until I studied historical literature that I got a better understanding of Narcotics Anonymous. I reached out and connected to a global Fellowship. Today, I like to remain in a program of equals, where I take responsibility for my recovery. I am no more or less than any other member, including the self-seeker. I can identify my self-seeking behaviors when I am connected to the God of my understanding and by working with a home group. I attend my home group regularly. Members know me, know my habits, attitudes, and beliefs.  Regardless of my personality, I try and put that aside to work with others to carry a message to newcomers.  We might disagree about everything but our commitment to the primary purpose of Narcotics Anonymous ensures our success as a group which benefits our Fellowship.

Doing The Right Things for the Right Reasons

I find self-seekers care little about anything other than themselves. They have become role models for the newcomers as promised in the later versions of the Basic Text. I struggle with my interactions with the self-seekers. I am repulsed by the lack of concern for Narcotics Anonymous and the devotion to self. Sometimes I wonder if I am the self-seeker that literature speaks of. I find myself on the outside, causing dissention by delivering meeting lists locally. I’m fortunate to have good friends and a support group to talk about these things with. Maybe I am a self-seeker but doing the right things for the right reasons has been a part of my recovery for decades now. I often find myself in opposition to popular opinion.

Unity

Attendance at conventions and other events for the comradery is popular. It is easy to see hundreds attending a local event. Few members, if any, show up to distribute meeting lists. I feel like the label ‘Unity’ has become a weapon for the oppression of others by self-seekers.  I hear ‘it would be nice if you were part of’ from self-seekers. It is called ‘gaslighting’ and I no longer believe them. I am no longer influenced by popularity.   I’m happy to be delivering meeting lists, attending, facilitating workshops, and speaking in prisons as part of a global fellowship. I love working on websites and talking with professionals about my experiences in Narcotics Anonymous.  I do not feel like a self-seeker but ‘dishonesty and self-deception’ prevent members from wholly recovering so maybe I am. I might be living a lie. Perhaps I see unity differently than others.

Anonymi

‘Anonymi’ was a term coined by an early member.  The book ‘A Matter of Principle’ taught me a lot and was written by ‘Anonymi’. I am content with carrying a message alone. Today I have a connection to a global Fellowship who has struggled with the same issues. I love the idea of an ‘Anonymi Foundation’ named for the writer and supporting members worldwide.

A fascinating, semi autobiographical, deeply spiritual, first hand account of the writing of our Basic Text and the founding of modern NA.  A Matter of Principle accurately depicts the differences between true open participatory service structure and the concepts-driven, closed system at the world level today.

  “A Matter of Principle” by Anonymi, Copywrite 2004, available for free (Ecopy) here.

Self-seekers seem to take service positions for power and prestige.  Some self-seekers are so consumed with themselves that they can only find acceptance within peer groups made of the self-seekers themselves.  This causes tremendous difficulties in carrying the message. A Narcotics Anonymous Groups’ ability to work together is easily derailed by the self-obsession of a single member. Fortunately, things have changed with the growth of Internet based access to historical literature and the wide adoption of Narcotics Anonymous online during the COVID pandemic. I am finding more and more connections with people who attend and support groups listed on https://www.virtual-na.org. For years now I have given up on working within the cliques and toxic culture created by the self-seekers. I love to give back and distribute meeting lists. I am content to work alone even if that makes me a self-seeker.

The Self-seeker

With the changes to the literature, a new classification of member was created by labeling the ‘Self-seeker’. There is no drug more attractive to the newcomer than the success promoted by the self-seeker. ‘Look at me, look at me, I’m clean and free’ can easily become a mantra. The global success of Narcotics Anonymous has not translated to North America.  Domestic growth has been stagnant for over 30 years. I believe that attending one event after another will lose its appeal eventually. I no longer resent the self-seekers but maintain healthy boundaries. Healthy NA fellowships are inclusive so I learned to accept people where they are at.  I try and live by spiritual principles.  I welcome anyone who wants to distribute meeting lists.  I would love some help.

Narcotics Anonymous has given me a life beyond any of my dreams. I move about freely in society and have found the love and support of other members of society. Many people give back and freely donate their time and energy in helping others. These have become my role models. This has become my support group. I love to volunteer. The added benefit is that Narcotics Anonymous is not well known and meetings can be difficult to find for newcomers but I can work to change that.  I continue to attend regularly in person and virtual meetings. I rely on historical literature. I do believe that newcomers will eventually find us or die trying. I carry a message in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and carry my recovery in society as well.

Attraction and Promotion

I remember when I was young, and I would party a lot. We would laugh about how intoxicated we got and how intoxicated we were going to get next time. Getting ‘messed up’, ‘baked’ or a dozen other euphemisms was what I thought was an attractive lifestyle. I had friends who dropped acid and called it ‘cutting tracks’ because it apparently scarred your brain and we thought that was cool.  I was too scared to try acid but I tried other things. Some people would talk about what a magical experience hard drugs were and try and convince me to try everything. Things changed when I decided to get clean and joined Narcotics Anonymous. I still think about what activities or lifestyles I consider attractive, and some people still promote their ideas about what they think is attractive.  Narcotics Anonymous Tradition Eleven says that ‘Our public relations policy is attraction rather than promotion, we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and film’. There are a couple things to consider when looking at the first part of this Tradition.  My public relations policy might not be the same as Narcotics Anonymous. I might be fine with promoting something that NA would not. I like wearing blue jeans, and I love gardening. You might find that an excellent experience too and seeing me in my jeans, working in the garden might be attractive. I could try and convince you that both are excellent choices by promoting them. Narcotics Anonymous would probably not have an opinion on either blue jeans or gardening but I can’t speak for what Narcotics Anonymous would say about either. As a member, when I do speak for NA, it would be as a servant, and my personal opinions should not influence what message I carry on behalf of NA and that can be difficult sometimes.  

The greater the base, as we grow in unity in numbers and in Fellowship, the broader the sides and the higher the point of freedom. Probably the last to be lost to freedom will be the stigma of being an addict. Goodwill is best exemplified in service and proper service is “Doing the right thing for the right reason.” When this supports and motivates both the individual and the Fellowship, we are fully whole and wholly free.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd Edition, ‘Our Symbol’, page vii

Stacey Ruth, CPC wrote an excellent article about ‘Attraction vs Promotion’. Her article references a common misconception in 12 step programs about Tradition Eleven. I liked this quote from her article and found it really sorted out the difference between attraction and promotion.

Attraction leaves the opportunity for action in the hands of the audience, while promotion leads them into submission.

Stacey Ruth, CPC, Linkedin “The Big Lie About Marketing: Attraction vs. Promotion”

Fellowships, Cliques, and Passersby.

Attraction and promotion covers a wide range on the part of both the audience and the presenters. At one point I thought I was part of one of the many cliques that form in local recovery circles. I believe that cliques are formed to protect members from accountability for their actions.  United we stand and divided we fall. Cliques can ignore the traditions, or manipulate them to suit the needs of the clique. We would all sit together at meetings, and a privileged few would be invited to events. Phone calls from clique members were a sought-after reward for good behavior and formed part of the hierarchy. Being part of a clique can be precarious and the politics are well beyond my grasp to understand. I never function well in cliques even before I got clean and have given up on learning the etiquette of cliques. Cliques are dangerous because they detract from unity by promoting oppression. One danger is that the activities or events can truly be attractive, but promote disunity by oppressing other ideas.

I have found within myself repeatedly, a strong desire to promote my own ideas. I want to talk about who my sponsor is, how many sponsees I have, or my clean time. I will seek like-minded people who can appreciate me and help promote my ideas about what I think is attractive.  I am not the only one. People with clean time congregate with other people who have clean time.  Wildly crazy thoughts seem to make so much sense in the moment and even more sense when you have the support of a clique. Stupid loves company.

I have experienced how complacency is the enemy of members with clean time. It is very easy to develop uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements. I hear addicts sharing about their lavish lifestyles and new connections with other cliques. Looking good and feeling good become a mantra. Members talk about The Grace of God’, and how they are miracles in a meeting, but spend the rest of the day completely self-consumed with activities that enhance their own experiences.  Hubris is a lack of gratitude. In the cliques, we used gaslighting to oppress others. Simply present a viewpoint as truth, and act like the victim is crazy when they question it. People say “I don’t know why you don’t want to be apart of”, assuming what they are doing is particularly attractive. I keep my world small and my Fellowship small today. I’m interested in delivering meeting lists and working on websites for NA. I love Public Information.

I avoid members who promote treatment centres in meetings. Some members are confused about what recovery means in NA by trying to blend the two worlds. Other members are only interested in lifestyle but not work. Even after decades clean, member will continue to act like a passersby, doing the minimal effort to maintain what they see as their status in NA. A small percentage are invested in having a good time at retreats, conventions and holidays with members of the cliques that have appointed themselves the governing body of NA. All these behaviors are very much like using and require promotion.

Help Others, not Self Help

“Meet regularly to help each other” (Basic text, 2nd Edition, ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program’, Pg 7), has become the Program of Narcotics Anonymous for me. I believe the purist form of recovery is only found in a home group. I learned recovery skills by attraction, not promotion. The difficulty today is understanding the other person’s perspective and I can only do that by connecting with home group members in service, working with newcomers and continuing to attend meetings regularly. I love my life today and have found myself “enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.” (Basic text, 2nd Edition, ‘Recovery and Relapse’, Pg 71) I am not the judge of what is attractive to others, but my life is amazing and by enjoying my recovery and being a part of society, I have a greater impact on the future of Narcotics Anonymous.