Spiritual Principles – One Addicts Experience

The Two Faces of Anonymity

‘Anonymity’ is often heard in NA. I hear a lot of opinion but not as much experience about anonymity. Some addicts jump on the ‘personal anonymity’ bandwagon and share their opinions. Others discuss their opinions on ‘anonymity at the level of press, radio and film’. I do not hear as much on ‘anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions’. For me, anonymity has two faces; what I experience and what the world sees.

Our Principles Ahead of My Personality

I love that our Basic Text has a chapter titled, “We Do Recover”. In the Basic Text, Chapter 7, Recovery and Relapse, it warns, ‘We have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.’

I love to participate in recovery and talk with members. I stack chairs or co-host virtual meetings with a great deal of love for this new way of life. What I no longer do is hang out with people in recovery. I tried for a long time. I do not have good skills that make relationships easy. I have difficulties seeing the dishonesty and deceptions maintained by some members. I also need to be wary of these within myself. Addiction is not just about drugs and affects all aspects of my life. I believe that is true for all addicts. I avoid the toxic cliques and cult behaviors of some members. Some people use Fellowship like they used drugs. I am not here to use. I want to help others find what I have found.

Local service to NA is difficult where I live. I have tried to stay involved with delivering meeting lists locally for about ten years with no success. My personality will not allow some members to put principles first. Today, I practice principles with people outside of NA, as well. Narcotics Anonymous communities can become a repository for the dishonest and deceptive. Where else can addicts feel comfortable using? I remain vigilant because I see that I can be guilty of this.

My world has improved. Healthy practice of spiritual principles is not exclusive to NA. I am fortunate to enjoy a rich life of service away from the local fellowship. My teachers are now kind, compassionate and generous members of society. My anonymity means they treat me at face value without the judgement I sometimes experience in NA. Once people know me, I can talk about recovery. They often accept me as the person I am today, not what I was in the past.

The Spiritual Foundation of NA

Anonymity for Narcotics Anonymous is critical. NA is relatively unknown to most of society. Anonymity does not mean we remain unknown. Anonymity means that what people learn is not opinions but facts. We are a Fellowship who meet regularly to help each other. This is a ‘help others’ program, not a self-help program. This fact seems lost to some members.
Anyone can be a part of NA if they have a desire to stop using. Groups are autonomous and governed by the conscience of the members of that group. I believe if anyone shows up regularly, with a desire to stop using, and a willingness to be a part of, they will enjoy great success in this new way of life. This new way of life includes carrying the message to other suffering addicts.

I do a lot of research in my writing about NA and volunteering in addictions and mental health organizations. I estimate that about five percent of the population is in recovery. Where I live the population of addicts in recovery is about eighteen thousand based on a population of four hundred thousand. Most addicts struggle alone. Very few attend NA. They are simply unaware of what this simple program has to offer.

NA could be doing a much better job of carrying the message, in my opinion. I believe that it would benefit my recovery and my freedom to have a wider base, so I am passionate about Public Information. This was proven to me by the explosion of online NA during the COVID Pandemic. I have found tremendous support and compassion online. I have a higher level of freedom today, as a result.

Tradition Twelve in the Basic Text offers fifteen lines of text that are so important to our Fellowship. I love this phrase, ‘The spiritual foundation becomes more important than any one particular group or individual’.

My addict screams for attention. Every opportunity to be seen, heard or acknowledged feeds my disease. My experience is that by joining together with other addicts I stand the best chance of staying clean today. I balance my needs against the needs of a home group, by putting the needs of the group first. Anonymity ensures ‘We’ becomes more important than me.

Money, Property and Prestige?

I have recently experienced a couple situations that got me thinking about Narcotics Anonymous and money. I should change the word thinking to pondering. I was taught not to overthink things and keep it simple. I guess that is my reason to ponder more because I am seeing things done in Narcotics Anonymous that are different than what I was taught. Change happens but some of these changes feel wrong.

A Change In The Way Recovery Is Administered

I was always taught by my predecessors that we should not collect more money than we need. And that money we do collect needs to be used responsibly. Early on in my recovery I found this to be simple. I was taught to put my 7th Tradition contribution in the basket and participate in my homegroup to discuss and determine how those funds are used. What is sent to the area for services like H&I, Public Information and most importantly how the area serves the groups. Then funds can be sent to the region to help support the areas. Sounds easy enough right? Not so much anymore. Over the past few years, I have seen a change in the way recovery is administered to people coming in the doors. I see changes in group spending. I see changes in area funds and how they are collected. I see and hear folks talk about and doing fundraising for everything.

Groups

So, let’s start with groups. I understand that groups are autonomous to make their own decisions. I just get uncomfortable when I see groups throw big BBQs and food parties at the group level using funds from the 7th Tradition basket. I even saw a group take the 7th Tradition funds and separate it into two pots of money. One pot was used for what I was taught we use 7th Tradition funds for. Things like rent, coffee, literature. The other pot was used for special activities like BBQs. The food and venue would be paid for using 7th Tradition funds. Then the two pots of money would be shifted back and forth depending on what event was happening and how much money was needed to throw a free party. Holding a speaker meeting at the party was claimed to be “carrying the message.” My teaching was meetings are where the recovery begins and is learned. If I attend a group activity, I pay my own way by buying a ticket and help with the event. Sure, parties are fun, but I would prefer to supply every person with literature instead of charging for the books. (When I came in, I was so sick I did not understand why I needed literature, but I saw that everyone had it, so I stole my first book.) Today I understand the lifesaving nature of literature and the need to read and study it. (And I clearly do not understand why a homegroups needs their own t-shirts. But that may be a story for another day.) We do not need parties to stay clean. We need to be taught about recovery and as you progress and stay clean the parties and conventions will come.

Conventions

I am an experienced person in many levels and types of service. I am grateful that I was taught service very early on and it is a powerful tool to stay clean. I have always been good with convention committees. I enjoy seeing people learn to have fun and stay clean. (I connected getting loaded to having fun. Didn’t think it was possible clean) Lately I feel myself getting a bad taste for conventions. I recently served on a convention committee that had $75,000 left after all the bills had been paid. (This convention makes that same excess every year.) As I watched the money coming in my stomach rumbled. My gut was reacting to charging money for a ticket for every single activity that was held at the convention. (registration, merchandise, dinner, breakfast, dances, comedians, raffles, etc.) When I suggested doing the dance and comedians at no cost the committee looked at me like I had horns. How could I suggest such a horrible thing? (A donation fund for newcomers is always set up at this convention and those newcomer funds are never fully spent.) What is wrong with doing events at no cost when the convention is left with so much overage in funds? Instead, at the end of the convention we are arguing over what to do with the excess money. I see money from conventions, retreats, campouts, etc. being given to other areas and events instead of reducing things like registration fees. To me conventions and activities are special events we do but we are still responsible to be self-supporting. These events are done in the name of Narcotics Anonymous but are not Narcotics Anonymous. Many people disagree with me on that point. For me it comes down to staying clean. If I never attend another special event or convention, I will stay clean by using the tools. My recovery is not based on my attendance at conventions.

Grandiosity

I guess I see more grandiosity than I feel is needed. Let’s get back to keeping it simple. I am still an avid attendee at meetings and prefer literature studies. I still participate in service in many ways. Service has saved me more than once. I will continue to serve and discuss issues that do not sit well with my sponsor. I will try to be part of the solution. I can disagree but will not participate where I feel conflict with group or committee practices. I will pick more closely what I feel is the best option for the most.

Home Group Devotional

Narcotics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous has no pledges to sign and no promises to make. Some members may not find relief from using drugs immediately, but I have seen that happen countless times at my home group. There are no membership fees, and I am free to come and go as I please. I have learned that my personal recovery depends on unity with others, like me, who have struggled with drug addiction. I accept that I have a desire to stop using, and I seek a new way to live. This motivates me daily. That way includes the support of others and a commitment to helping other addicts who struggle with their addiction. My experience is that it is best done within a Home Group. This Fellowship is all encompassing, and anyone can join my Home Group. My commitment to my Home Group is a devotion; a loyalty and love that knows no bounds.

Meet Regularly to Help Each Other

The Narcotics Anonymous literature says we meet regularly to help each other. This is a Fellowship that provides the unconditional love and experiences of other members like myself. We meet often enough to serve my needs and the needs of others. I am neither too big nor too small to find a place here. Everything in Narcotics Anonymous that occurs outside of my Home Group is not of my concern. I have learned to trust my higher power care for my life and the lives of others. My ideas, big and small, have a home here in my home group. With the support of a Group Conscience, I can achieve great things. Good ideas that have not found their right time and bad ideas too, will fall away. It helps me put everything in perspective outside of Narcotics Anonymous when I am in society. The practical application of spiritual principles within a group allows me to function outside the group.

Powerful Addictions

I believe today that the most powerful addiction affecting me is manipulation and control. I participate in a Narcotics Anonymous Home Group for help and to help. I learn to balance my recovery with the recovery of others. I learn the importance of having a secretary record our decisions accurately so that the will of the Group stays ahead of the will of an individual. I see how important it is to have a treasurer who manages our funds carefully to sustain the group and carry a message to the still suffering addict. My group lives or dies by the decisions we make, and how we support ourselves. No one will pay our bills if we are frivolous, and addicts will die if they do not know we are here. Sometimes my home group will try and work with others. We send a trusted servant who can carry our collective will to achieve some goal. We are also able to walk away from any situation that jeopardizes our unity, our autonomy and our collective freedom. Strong personalities do not fare well within a group and sometimes a group struggles to grow because of this. These lessons help me when I am outside the group participating in society or working with other groups.

WCNA#38

I recently attended an event known as the World Convention of NA #38 because of the generosity of others. It was a powerful display. I heard many members with powerful experiences and strong opinions speak either at the podium or in private conversations. I was overwhelmed with emotion to meet up with home group members who were able to attend. I hugged each of them and wept openly. My life depends on these people more than Narcotics Anonymous will ever understand. The joy was indescribable.

I was saddened to hear the Executive Director of the NAWS corporation speak of willfully using Narcotics Anonymous funds to pursue his personal agenda. Theft should never be taken lightly. It was upsetting to hear him speak of being pushed to the point of violence when confronted with words. Violence is the language of the ignorant. I hope he returns to his home group and finds acceptance and unconditional love.

Apparently, the convention will lose money. My hope is that those groups who supported this event will learn an important lesson. It is unfortunate that such a small number of groups support the World Service Conference, and the NAWS corporation because they bear full responsibility for the loss. The worst part for me is the lending of the ‘Narcotics Anonymous’ name to these outside enterprises. Overdue bills and the behaviors of those outside of Narcotics Anonymous damages our reputation when associated with NA. Better care should be the lesson learned when assigning a Home Group’s responsibilities to a service structure. Fortunately, Narcotics Anonymous has become so large that the loss of the World Service Conference, The NAWS corporation, any service structure or groups will not affect Narcotics Anonymous as a whole.

Groups May Create Service Boards and Committees

When a group gives authority to an outside enterprise, they create the perfect opportunity for our sickest members to govern. Great care should be taken when assigning any responsibilities and accountabilities. The actions of our trusted servants should always be taken with great humility.

The Cabals of Narcotics Anonymous

Cabals

When I first came to Narcotics Anonymous, I smoked tobacco cigarettes. I started when I was twelve years old. Using tobacco was more rebellion than a serious commitment at that age. Addiction developed progressively as I grew older and by eighteen, I was a full-time cigarette smoker. I tried to quit several times. I continued to smoke for about ten years after coming to NA. I loved the social aspects of smoking especially when I stood outside of a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I was so lonely, and socializing became a drug. Often my relapse from trying to quit smoking was at an NA meeting. There were a lot of members willing to help me relapse. Talking to members who continued to smoke was insightful. I have a better understanding today of my obsession and compulsion to use, and I am grateful I was able to quit smoking. A cabal is a group of individuals with a vested interest in promoting an idea. When I got clean it was very popular to stop for a smoke break at the halfway point in the meeting. Some members fought very hard to keep this practice alive. There was nothing spiritual about their desire from my perspective. Some meetings continue the practice today. What other groups do is none of my business. It is also not the business of my home group, or of NA, as a whole.

Our Way of Life

I was taught early in recovery is what unites us as a Fellowship is the desire to stop using. I try and keep an awareness of that desire by looking at my thoughts and behaviors daily. I am happy to be free of cigarettes and understand that not everyone makes that choice. Addition takes many forms. Early attempts at writing literature must have been full of conflicting viewpoints. I love to study the rich history of Narcotics Anonymous and the evolution of literature. Everyone has opinions about what is or is not recovery and what constitutes using. My understanding of Narcotics Anonymous is expressed in early literature.

Banded together in groups, or sometimes alone, we aim to help fellow users recover health. Not being reformers, we offer our experience only to those who want it. There are no fees – N.A. is a vocation. Each member squares his debt of gratitude by helping other addicts to recover. In so doing he maintains his own freedom from the habit.
Our Way of Life, An introduction to NA, Cleveland Narcotics Anonymous, 1963.

Reformers

Reformers want to make changes. I find it difficult to not form opinions about what works or does not work. Complacency is the enemy of members with clean time and I believe that the progression is natural. My opinions can be destructive to unity, but I may persist in expressing a viewpoint. I try to deny people the experiences that they may need. Shared opinions help to create a cult-like environment. I find that some members are willing to promote opinions about Narcotics Anonymous. One definition of a cult is when cabals promote imaginary rules about the treatment of a disease. Narcotics Anonymous is not a cult despite the efforts of some members. NA has no opinion about smoking tobacco, but it has clear ideas about using, dishonesty and self-deception.

We operate in an atmosphere of complete acceptance and respect for one another’s beliefs. We try to avoid the arrogance of self-righteousness, because it is one of the deadliest forms of self-deception. Even though we avoid pushing any ideas on anyone, we do suggest, strongly, that each person make an honest attempt to find a Power greater than themselves.
Grey Book, Memphis Tennessee Draft, dated February 15^th, 1981. Chapter 4 – “Step 12”.

The Narcotics Anonymous literature says that there are self-seekers (people who put their own needs ahead of Fellowship). The literature says we meet regularly to help each other but the truth is that some only meet to help themselves. We also have members who remain abstinent but continue to act on old behaviors.

Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Grey Book, Memphis Tennessee Draft, Chapter 7 “Recovery and Relapse”, preamble.

Cabals seem to form from the self-seekers, dishonest and self-deception of members. I’m ok with having my own ideas about recovery but acting with other members to manipulate the truth is a whole different level of addiction.

The Home Group

Critical to my recovery is a commitment to a Home Group. I can pick my friends, but I try not to control who joins my home group. The diversity of a home group benefits my recovery. The unconditional love we offer each other is the foundation of any home group I have ever supported. The worst examples of recovery also have a place in my Home Group. I benefit from being inclusive and so does my group. Some days I am the worst example of recovery. Hearing a shared experience is what wakes me up to reality. Connecting with reality shows how I have been using behaviors or holding on to old ideas. Those awakenings can occur slowly as I continue to attend. I find that a newcomer will add a better perspective than someone who has been attending regularly. I can become blind to the disease and my perspective is altered by the company I keep. Newcomers refresh our Fellowship with new ideas.

The Traditions make sense

My experience is that sometimes I need to change home groups. This can be a win win situation when the dynamics become intolerable. My personality ahead of the principles of a group or cabal. I can take my opinions and experiences and move on to another group. A healthy group is not dictated by the demands of a single member or cabal. Narcotics Anonymous Tradition Two; “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience.” There are no rules and no governing bodies. Groups, like individuals, vary greatly. I do not recognize any version of Narcotics Anonymous beyond the Group level. The Traditions make sense to me when I only consider Groups as NA. I see a Fellowship that is structure free. Groups only benefit from trusted servants when the servants do not govern. Lending the NA name to conventions, service bodies and any enterprise promotes the self interest of the enterprise and as such, a cabal is created. A group trying a new idea can result in other groups benefiting from the experience. We ought not be organized as organizations require rules and can be corrupted by the cabals of NA.

Self-Obsession

Self-Obsession is the Core of Our Disease.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2^nd edition, Chapter 5 ’What Can I Do?’, line 38.

The title of this blog is a line from the Basic Text and this information changed everything for me. My understanding did not come overnight but over time. It was a slow progression that changed my life to the one I lead today. To the best of my ability, I have learned to live, moment to moment. There is a balance I work hard to maintain, like a hiker moving forward, carefully testing each step. Regardless of the terrain, each step forward is part of a journey and when I lose focus on the moment, I tend to fall. Sometimes the terrain is difficult and sometimes not but when I lose focus, I can find myself lying on the ground, having encountered some unseen root or stone. Equally important is the path I take because self-obsession is always present. That is the critical role that the Traditions play in my life. The Traditions have become as important as the Steps for me. Without the Twelve Traditions, self-obsession can be the core of my recovery. The Twelve Traditions are truly the ties that bind us together.

A Using Addict Attracts Addicts Who Are Using.

I first started to notice the impact that self-obsession played on my life when I had over a year clean. Time and time again I would find myself struggling with some decision or dealing with some feeling that was entirely based on the impact it would have on my life. I would be angry and pout because my family wanted to go shopping at the mall, which I hated. The division of chores in our household seemed unfair. I often felt like I worked harder than my coworkers and lacked the recognition I deserved. The awareness did not always lead to change. I found it difficult to stop using people, places and things. When I was able to stop, I often felt a deep sense of loss. Maintaining a desire to stop using required effort. Eventually I was able to listen and learn from others a new way to live. Sometimes the distance from stopping using to learning a new way to live was measured in years. Smoking cigarettes was a problem for me, and it took a decade to finally stop. I needed to walk away from the cluster of smoking addicts at every meeting I attended. I wanted to be popular and well liked but a using addict hangs with addicts that are using. I was finally able to surrender my addiction to Fellowship. I had grown co-dependent on Narcotics Anonymous as a social club. My awareness of the disease is critical to my success. Every day I am faced with challenges and my sense of entitlement marches along in step.

Help Others Program

My circle of friends and support is smaller today than previous. I am weary of the abusive nature of addicts. Even within a Home Group I find addicts consumed with self-interest. I am not interested in treatment centers and the focus on character defects and character development. Self-obsession is the natural progression of addicts without the 12 Traditions. Narcotics Anonymous has instilled in me a sense of love for myself and that came from experiencing the unconditional love of the Fellowship. I seek a true Fellowship of addicts with a desire to stop using. I know of no other method of showing gratitude than the selfless expression of my time and energy. Each time I surrender, I lose nothing but a false sense that my needs might be met. My reliance is on the God of my understanding to put me where I need to be. I learned a lot of this from applying the Twelve Traditions in a Home Group. I am less afraid, and I have better focus on the tasks at hand. NA is where I serve. I take responsibility for all aspects of my recovery. I am less concerned with being served. I know of no other way to live with the disease of addiction than the NA way. We meet regularly to help each other. NA is not a self-help program but is primarily a help others program.

Actions of My Obsessions

I find that the most difficult aspect of the disease of addiction is obsessive thoughts. The obsessions combined with compulsive behaviors fueled many strange and unusual situations in my life. I believe that attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings finally broke the cycle of acting on compulsive behaviors. I found freedom by listening to others and sharing my experiences. Today I can identify my thoughts and choose to act differently. I still suffer from the disease of addiction but I did not have to act on every impulsive behavior. I see that the actions of my obsessions is using. I have heard many addicts share that first we stop using, then we lose the desire to use, and finally achieve a new way to live. I realized the extent of the disease when I was over fourteen years clean. I found myself alone, caught in lies and self-deception and nowhere to turn to. Alone, I ended up spiraling out of control. I found a solution in my desperation. The solution was found in the Primary Purpose of Narcotics Anonymous.

Primary Purpose

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter two, ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?’

Staying clean by attending meetings was and remains primary to my recovery. I must look at my life with fresh eyes each day. Complacency is the enemy of members with two days or two decades clean. It is simply not enough to attend a meeting. I need to actively engage in recovery and that means helping others. Helping others can be a challenge. I am still prone to delusional thoughts that trap me in cyclical thinking. That is why I maintain a relationship with a Home Group. I surround myself with members who have a desire to stop using. Using drugs brought me to NA but now I am aware that using involves lots of different behaviors. I have fallen into the trap of surrounding myself with addicts who are using; people, places and things will distract any of us from recovery. The literature says ‘Tell us about your problem and how we can help’; If you are unwilling or blind to the problems in your life or the lives of those around you, how am I able to help? Not every home group member has a desire to stop using. Some members are self-seekers. Narcotics Anonymous literature talks about the Self-Seeker.

Self-Seeker; a person who primarily pursues their own interest or selfish ends.
From https://www.dictionary.com

It is not that surprising to find self-seekers in NA. Narcotics Anonymous states that ‘self-obsession’ as the core of the disease. I am careful with who is in my life today. It is easy to end up within a group of self-seekers. You need look no further than the social cliques that form in everyday life. Addicts pretend they are in recovery by surrounding themselves with people who enjoy similar pursuits. The result is hundreds attending a convention and only a few attending a service committee. It is easy to convince myself that I’m not using if my friends are doing the same things.

However, many will become the role models for newcomers to follow while…the self-seekers soon find they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster to themselves. Many of them change; they learn we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, ‘Tradition Two’

Home Group

The Home Group relationships I have are the most important ones in my life today. I cannot control who joins a group but I can control who is in my social circles. I find myself turning away from the conflicts within the Home Group and seeking solstice within my social cliques. A subtle change in my attention is all the distraction my disease needs. My personal recovery depends on unity and that is best found in my home group. I can manipulate the people in my social circle. A home group is the best representation of a higher power in my life, and the greatest source of spiritual growth. There is strength in diversity. My disease will reject this and using people, places and things become my obsession. Eventually the cliques fail to feed my addiction and my isolation grows.

This is our road to spiritual growth. We change every day…to gradually, carefully and simply pull ourselves out of the isolation and loneliness of addiction into the mainstream of life. This comes not from wishing, but from action and prayer. The main objective of Step Seven is to get out of ourselves and strive for achieving the will of our Higher Power.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, ‘Step Seven’

I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society when I can strip myself of dishonesty and self-deception. I have found freedom from the disease. I have become peaceful. The best vehicle for expressing love is in my relationships with society.

Arrested

The disease concept of addiction treatment was quite new in the 1950’s. Many alcoholics had achieved sobriety by attending Alcoholics Anonymous since the 1930’s. The version of Narcotics Anonymous many of us know today started in 1953. A small number of addicts also achieved success in AA. A few addicts believed that the Twelve Step program could be adapted for addicts. It was rare that addicts found recovery in AA and many addicts were discouraged from attending AA meetings. For alcoholics who had found sobriety, the answer was quite simple.

Alcoholics Anonymous – How It Works

Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
Reprinted from the book Alcoholics Anonymous ® Copyright © 1939, 1955, 1976, 2001 by A.A. World Services, Inc.

I briefly attended AA meetings early in my recovery. I believed that success in AA was achieved by becoming honest and sobriety was measured in time free from actively using alcohol. I was also attending NA meetings. This formula for success did not seem to work well for addicts. I felt comfortable in NA. I gave up on AA and dedicated myself to NA. The formula for success in NA was much harder to define.

After coming to N.A. we realized we were sick people who suffered from a disease like Alcoholism, Diabetes or Tuberculosis. There is no known “Cure” for these-all however, can be arrested at some point and “Recovery” is then possible.
Narcotics Anonymous, Little White Book, published in 1966, ‘Why Are We Here?’

NA was quite new when this was written but already enjoying success. I was told that an addict who did not use today was a miracle. There were a lot of suggestions. Avoid people, places and things that I associated with using. Attend meetings regularly. Try and find a sponsor to guide me through the steps. Find a home group and participate in the group actively. Try and help; be of service to others. I did stop using drugs, I did what was suggested and it felt like recovery had become possible. I also knew that the disease did not always feel like it was arrested, and recovery seemed unfathomable some days.

Dying To Help

There is a scene many addicts have seen over and over at meetings. One member struggles to do one of the readings. They might be new and unfamiliar with the language, have limited reading skills, or maybe some ailment that makes reading difficult. At the same time, another addict might leave in frustration. Addicts attending the meeting might empathize with one side or the other. Some listen to support the member doing the reading and others want a clear message of recovery. There are other dramas that unfold. Emotional attachments to ideas or beliefs seem to force many of us to take a stand on what we see as right or wrong. Sometimes my addiction is so powerful that I cannot accept new ideas or behaviors. I have learned that many addicts are simply trying to help in the best way that they can. Others are here to simply help themselves with little regard for fellow addicts. The reasons we behave the way we do are as varied as the addicts who attend. The Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text offers this warning.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7 – ‘Recovery and Relapse’.

Those who willingly or unwillingly choose to help themselves can become role models. Obsessive and compulsive behaviors can be attractive. Unity suffers as a result. Using becomes a choice but it is not always about drugs. Addiction takes many forms.

This Sixth Tradition goes on to warn us what may happen: “lest problems of money, property or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.” These often-become obsessions and shut us off from our spiritual aim. For the individual, this type of abuse can be devastating; for the group, it can be disastrous. When we as a group waiver from our primary purpose, addicts die who might have found recovery.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 6 – ‘The Twelve Traditions, Tradition Six’.

Anonymity and Anonymous

Most of us eventually learn to say ‘anonymity’ and ‘autonomous’ but few understand the meaning of either. Member shares about either and this can be a convoluted mess of self-deception. As addicts, we seem to be quick to form opinions. We become twisted with emotions even over something simple like doing a reading and the meanings of our phrases. I understand today that our literature is accurate. We are sick people, but the disease can be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible. The arrest of the disease is as mysterious as the addicts who live with it. Some walk in clean to their first meeting and never look back. Others struggle for days, months or even years. I have spent time in judgement of those who struggled. I would form opinions about what was lacking in their program. Members will exchange looks when someone is ‘coming back’ again and again. The judgements and opinions of others I formed were disastrous to myself and my group.

I believe in the Grace of God and the miracle of a life free from drugs. I also believe that anyone attending NA can achieve that miracle. Even before I found NA, I had experienced moments of Grace. I did not always recognize these moments as Grace. I never knew what to do with that Grace.

The second part says that ‘recovery is then possible’. My interest in ‘Fellowship’ is knowing if you have a desire to stop using. After that initial surrender I see many addicts who are happy to continue using. Narcotics Anonymous can be a big dysfunctional smorgasbord of distractions. You can see hundreds attending a convention and two attending a service commitment within the same geographical area. Addiction knows no boundaries.

There are too many sides in too many battles. We fight about the meaning of literature. We battle with people who are ‘clean and sober’. We argue about Medically Assisted Treatment (Suboxone/Methadone). We battle about who decides what is right and wrong. We battle with those who try to govern. The drama of it all keeps me from engaging in ‘Fellowship’. I avoid gatherings. For many years I tried to be a part of, but I came to see how toxic a culture exists in the many cliques and gatherings. I might be the sickest member in the room, but I keep to myself and try to help when I can. My recovery is service to others. You have to tell me what you want to do about your problem and how I can help.

The Grace of God

God

The concept of God is a difficult hurdle for many people who come to twelve step programs. Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual organization and the literature refers to the word God. In AA, they expanded the concept by offering a ‘God of your understanding’ and most twelve step programs have adopted that concept for themselves. Narcotics Anonymous literature refers to a ‘Higher Power’. I believe that regardless of what beliefs you arrive with, you will need to come to terms with the idea of some power greater than yourself. My personal beliefs when I arrived at my first twelve step meeting was that God, spiritual beliefs, mysticism, and the whole concept of a spiritual existence was for weak minded people who needed a crutch. I did have some beliefs that I accepted as possible once I qualified my answers. I needed to have a lengthy explanation to justify my beliefs. I was willing to admit that some people might be psychic, and ghosts sounded plausible. When I was sarcastic, I would say that prayer was an excellent way to spend time until your plane impacts the side of a mountain. At the time, I wouldn’t say I was cynical but looking back I believed that God had never done anything for me, hadn’t been a factor in my life and wasn’t likely to appear any time soon. When I hit bottom, I did have an awakening to the idea that my life was wildly out of control, and I was a mess. I went to my first meeting, expecting nothing, with little hope, and perhaps open to the possibility of some relief. I didn’t expect to find help for someone like me. Even if God existed, there were many people who were more deserving of help. I had heard the words, “God’s Grace” but never really given it much thought.

Compassion

The ‘Grace of God’ is hard to define without the heavy religious overtones of our Christian based society. For this article, I will use the definition of Grace as unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. Both the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the original manuscript for the Basic Text used in Narcotics Anonymous referenced the Grace of God. The latest version of the Basic Text published by the NAWS Corporation still mentions God’s Grace in the ‘How It Works’ section; Step Eleven. It’s a touchy subject with many people but the concept of Grace from a higher power isn’t exclusive to Christianity. In Buddhism, they have the idea of a bodhisattva. This is a person who has achieved the capacity to obtain enlightenment and become a buddha, but in an act of great compassion chooses to remain in this realm and work to end the suffering of the masses – the act itself is Grace. Hinduism refers to Kripa and Hellenism (Greek mysticism) refers to Kharis. Grace is what I was offered when I arrived at the rooms, what I learned in doing the steps, and what I try and extend to all. IF you are uncomfortable with the idea of a God then think of Grace as nothing more than compassion offered regardless of the situation. Think of how the world would be if compassion was at the front of each passing moment.

Eighty-Four Days

The most powerful story I have ever read in recovery was titled Eighty-Four Days. It was published in the Iranian Narcotics Anonymous journal called Payam Behboodi. It’s a letter from a prisoner in jail about his gratitude for eighty-four days clean and how we as recovering addicts should work together and help each other. His gratitude is also for the will of God. His death was by hanging the next morning as punishment for the crimes he had committed. I found a connection with the powerful message. I often feel as if I am in a self-imposed prison. My character defects and shortcomings have always prevented me from being a part of things. I am difficult to get to know, difficult to be around and have little interest in the world around me. My struggles are with Self, as is the case for many in recovery. Having done a set of steps I also know I have assets and have provided for my family for many years. I also contribute in many ways to society. I might never be rich or successful but I have always managed to provide for my family. I have much in my life to be grateful for. I go to meetings and listen to one speaker after another share about their gratitude for what recovery has given them. They talk about their support group, or their vacations and possessions as if those are important. My belief is that gratitude we share in recovery is reserved for our higher power, however you want to define that. The vacations, new cars or luxuries might be nothing more than self-obsession and ultimately, that is the core of the disease of addiction. My gratitude speaks with Grace that I extend to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and society at large. Ultimately, the gratitude that carries the strongest message is selfless service. I like to promote unity by working with anyone and including everyone. The Twelve Traditions we study in twelve step programs gave us the tools to ensure our focus is not on our personal relationships with our friends but with all of society. I believe that gratitude grows as our Grace grows. The Grace of God isn’t easy, it is a desperate hand extended to another off a ledge that they find themselves hanging from. The key to Grace is the ‘unmerited’ aspect, the courtesy I extend beyond what I feel is warranted or deserved. It is a part of what makes my service so valuable. Grace is the action of gratitude.

A Bigger Picture

How well your twelve step support group functions, and the service structures they create to support the groups comes from the Grace of God in my belief. It’s very easy to fall into cliques and form micro groups of support around common interests or beliefs, and exclude those we disapprove of. The twelve-step group is the core of my recovery. The relationships I form within my group, and how I treat others IS the basis of my recovery. It’s from these relationships that I can provide Grace to others. The gratitude that comes from that connection with my higher power is the only gratitude that matters in recovery. We are selling a new way of life that costs everything and nothing. Gratitude for what I have achieved in my recovery is not a magical elixir I can bottle and transfer to another. Friendships, lifestyle and a dizzying array of choices await many of us as we get clean but it’s all meaningless to someone who’s new or someone who is on the verge of dying. When my journey started, I was attracted to the message and the feeling of be a part of something. What I keep for myself when I share my recovery is true gratitude and a belief in the process.

There is a gratitude that arises from my relationship with the God of my understanding, who guides me and gives me strength. It might be the only gratitude some members will ever achieve. My support group do a daily group text by cellphone of 5 things we are grateful for and it has been a difficult process for me. I really want to focus on all the things that I am grateful for like relationships, sunny days and the smell of rain. I have come to accept that in turning my life and my will over to God in Step Three, I need to focus on my gratitude for my higher power’s will for me, and the strength that comes to me. Compassion for another is a gift for myself and does more to restore my own worth than anything I could acquire on my own.

Sick People

In about 2016 I had hit a low point in my recovery. I realized I had replaced drugs with lifestyle. A using addict attracts addicts who are using. It was a very subtle transition over years of trying to ‘be a part of’ and ‘fit in’ with the Fellowship. I found myself alone, shunned from service and abandoned by fake friends. I was suicidal and it felt like I was hitting bottom again. The difference was I knew that Narcotics Anonymous works. I had seen it happen to me and to many people around me. I understood that I had earned a seat, even if the entire room felt like it was against me. I have often found myself in uncomfortable places, so this was not a new feeling. I suppose some people would have walked away, but I really believed in NA and wanted to understand what had happened.

I used to travel a short distance for work and participated in a local Fellowship, but the loss of my job forced me to start fresh in a nearby Fellowship. I was unemployed and had nothing but free time. At that time the local Fellowship was experiencing a flood of activity and interest in NA. Our service committees were full, newcomers arrived regularly, and meetings were magical experiences. I sometimes felt like God had provided a special place for me to heal. This lasted for more than two years before it died out. I felt a renewed sense of purpose during that time.

I started writing and started to rebuild my life on a foundation of surrender. I had a few addicts who still talked to me and found refuge with newcomers who made me feel welcome. Many newcomers went out of their way to make me feel a part of. One resource was members and former members I would run into who had similar experiences. I was starting to understand why so few were of service. Many addicts grow disillusioned and drift away. I started to understand the lack of support for services and the stagnation that exists in North American NA Fellowships. I wrote about my opinions and feelings. I became a voice for other addicts.

Complete Recovery and Acceptance with Society

I joined a local non-profit board involved in mental health and addictions. I found a new place to practice these principles and experienced what it was like to be a part of society. I found relationships that had never existed for me in the NA Fellowship. People liked me and welcomed my company. I received phone calls, visitors, and friendship. There is a line in Chapter 7 of the Basic Text that kept coming back to me; “Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.” Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of sick people. I am surprised today that I expected to be treated well.

Non-profit boards consist of volunteer board members, a paid Executive Director and sometimes a paid administrative assistant. The board is responsible to the members of the non-profit society they serve. Sometimes board members are elected at an annual general meeting. Often board members are voted in by the other board members. The ED reports to the board and follows the direction of the board. The administrative assistant, and all the other staff of the society report to the ED. My boss was the society. I was an unpaid volunteer. The whole board discussed and voted to guide the actions of the ED. It seemed like a simple formula and not much different than what I had learned being of service in Narcotics Anonymous.

I went to my first board meeting. I was nervous and sweating but the other people made me feel welcome. I had read the reports. I was eager to participate. After the ED reviewed their report, I asked a question but the ED’s assistant shut me down. This person questioned my right to ask the question I was raising. I was shocked. It felt like the familiar sting of trauma I had left behind in service to NA months ago. I remember thinking ‘here we go again.’ Was I the problem? To my surprise, the others jumped to my defense and the question was allowed. The rest of the board meeting went well.

The second board meeting was uneventful but the third was a repeat of the first. I was shocked be shut down again by the same assistant. Again, the other board members came to my defense and this time a formal apology was written addressed to me. I met with the person, and we talked about our conflict. I let them know I appreciated the apology. This was not Narcotics Anonymous service, and these people were healthy. We resolved our differences and eventually became friends. I felt like I had found a home outside of NA and a place to serve. Being of service is critical to my recovery but it does not mean that I must be of service in NA. There are lots of places where I find addicts in service.

Being of Service

I noticed that healthy non-profit societies had fewer problems with membership and volunteers. Conversations with people are easy today. I grew in my ability to be a part of. I found friends. I joined other boards and found new places to volunteer. I lost all feeling of anxiety that had plagued me my whole life.

I still attend NA meetings regularly. I try to be honest and open in my dealings with the people in my life today. I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society. I know it is important that I am vigilant. The phrase ‘being in recovery’ means something different for me today. I have developed a good sense of who I am. I continue to develop the skills required to apply spiritual principles in my life. There is a third factor that could be the most critical aspect of being in recovery and that is the people I surround myself with. We meet regularly to help each other. NA is not a self-help program.

I no longer rely on sick people. I do not believe you can surround yourself with sick people and stay healthy. Part of the solution was coming to the realization that all addicts are sick people. I’m a sick person too. I thought about the solution for a long time. I have an answer that works for me today and I found it by hiking.

Hiking groups are like the Groups you find in Narcotics Anonymous. Some are full of sick people. I hike with people who have a desire to hike. I try not to make people hike but encourage anyone to try hiking. I like hiking groups, but I do not have to like all hiking groups. I try and hike with people as part of a group. I like to make sure that everyone makes it to the top and back out. It is important to me to be inclusive. If a hike is advertised as a ‘no dogs allowed’, and someone shows up with a dog, I have no problem speaking up. A hiking group might have sick people, but a strong, diverse group has lots of voices. I feel comfortable having a voice then. All the spiritual principles I have learned can be applied to a hiking group. The same holds true for Narcotics Anonymous. I support two NA home groups. I don’t even know some home group members by name. Hopefully we all have a voice. I show up with an attitude of gratitude and a willingness to be of service. I avoid the self-seekers and the sick members full of dishonesty and self-deception.

Unity and Autonomy

Autonomy is the right to govern oneself and one’s actions. I spent a lot of time in early recover learning about my behaviors and accepting the consequences of those behaviors. I learned to take responsibility for my life. I grew in my autonomy by accepting responsibility. The more responsibility I took on, the stronger my autonomy became. I also learned that being a part of a group improved the quality of my life. The character defects that I live with sometimes present themselves when I work with others. I have accepted that I have a lot of contempt for myself and others. The consequences of that defect are self-loathing and isolation. The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous helped me develop new tools to deal with life and The Twelve Traditions gave me the ability to work well with others. As I practiced the spiritual principles, my defects became less of an issue. Both my personal and my group’s autonomy are improved when I can put aside my ego. The knowledge of a Higher Power’s Will provides the guidance I need when considering my actions in personal and group decisions. Faith also becomes critical to my acceptance of life on life’s terms. I no longer need to try to control every outcome. I can make decisions that go against my will by allowing my Higher Power to guide me. My personal recovery depends on NA Unity. Our literature reminds me that dishonesty and self-deception prevent me from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance in society. Honesty, open mindedness, and willingness are the foundations of my recovery today.

Autonomy

The word ‘Autonomy’ is mentioned five times in the Second Edition of the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous. All five references are a part of the Fourth Tradition:

“Each Group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting other Groups, or N.A. as a whole.”
Narcotics Anonymous, Fourth Tradition

The first paragraph of the Fourth Tradition defines ‘Autonomy’ for the group as:

“The autonomy of our groups is necessary for our survival. A dictionary defines autonomous as “having the right or power of self-government…undertaken or carried on without outside control.” This means our groups are self-governing and are not subject to outside control. Every group has had to stand and grow on its own.”
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Fourth Tradition.

This paragraph has remained unchanged in many versions of the Basic Text. Tradition Two defines the “ultimate authority of a group is a loving God as he may express himself in our Group Conscience.” What other authorities exist?

Other Authorities

It has been difficult for me to accept other authorities in my life. The longer I am clean, the stronger my sense of entitlement to having an opinion. Complacency is a smug sense of satisfaction with oneself and the enemy of every addict with clean time. I have learned to rely on the God of my understanding. I am open to different viewpoints. I need to look at my relationships when I find myself alone in service.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Second Tradition.

“Those of us who have been involved in service or in founding an NA group sometimes have a hard time letting go. Egos and unfounded pride and self-will would destroy a group if given authority. We must remember that offices have been placed in trust, that we are trusted servants and that at no time do any of us govern. Narcotics Anonymous is a God-given Program, and we can maintain our group in dignity only through our group conscience and God’s love.”
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Second Tradition.

‘At no time do any of us govern’ is a good reminder for those of us with strong opinions and big personalities. I know I need to keep my mouth shut more often than I do.

Services

Services are mentioned in the Fourth Tradition. Services are “the result of members who care enough to offer help and experience so that our road may be easier.” Members outside the Group might offer help and their experience to guide the decisions of the Group, but that does not mean that they govern. The Fourth Tradition tells us that Leaders are trusted servants and do not govern. Services have no authority over the actions of the Group.

Members

Each Home Group member can be guided by their personal commitment to Step Three. A member may decide that the actions of the Group go against their personal beliefs or the will of their Higher Power. The reasons for leaving a Group are as varied as the addicts who attend. I have struggled with the decisions of every Home Group I have participated in. I am free to come and go from any group. My participation in NA does not require that I agree with every decision a group makes, or with popular opinion. Tradition Three offers that I only need to have a desire to stop using. Sometimes I find myself using my clean time, my experiences or my opinions to separate myself from other members of Narcotics Anonymous. I always have the choice to be a “part of”. I understand that my personal recovery depends on NA unity, regardless of popular opinion and how I feel about those opinions. Ultimately the group decisions come back to the Group Conscience.

Exceptions to Group Autonomy

Tradition Four does mention exceptions. Groups are free to do as they like except as it affects ‘other groups or NA as a whole’. I have not found any exceptions to the authority of a Higher Power in my life. I have found myself faced with conflicting choices. I made decisions and accepted the consequences. I regret some choices when I later reflect on them. Did I choose poorly or did my Higher Power have a lesson for me to learn? God’s Will is not always clear even after the decision is made. The same could be said for a Group.

Some groups choose to sign verification papers for court ordered attendance. Other groups see this as a clear violation of several traditions. Who decides which groups are right and which are wrong?

Bob Stone was an early executive director of the World Service Office and an early organizer of the World Service Conferences for Narcotics Anonymous. Bob did not identify as an addict. He wrote a book entitled ‘My Years in NA.’ In this book he detailed that several groups maintained urine screening policies for speakers and members in the 1970’s.

“It would seem that we, in our groups, can do whatever we decide regardless of what anyone says. This is partly true. Each group does have complete freedom, except when their actions affect other groups or N.A. as a whole. Like group conscience, autonomy can be a two-edged sword. Group autonomy has been used to justify the violation of the Traditions. If a contradiction exists, we have slipped away from our principles. If we check to make sure that our actions are clearly within the bounds of our Traditions; If we do not dictate to other groups, or force anything upon them; and if we consider the consequences of our action ahead of time, then all will be well.”
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Fourth Tradition, Last Paragraph.

All will be well is a good indication of where Narcotics Anonymous is today. Contradiction does exist but individual Groups are thriving on a global scale. Both Unity and Autonomy can exist in Narcotics Anonymous. Look at some of the organizations that fall under the category of services.

The NAWS Corporation

The NAWS Corporation claims to control the Intellectual Property Rights for all Groups, despite limited endorsement by the Groups themselves. Very few Groups participate in the World Service Conference. WSC Motions on policy presented by the NAWS corporation see little support from Groups. Sales of Corporate-produced literature remain stagnant after thirty years. Supporters of the NAWS Corporation have been trying to promote the false claim of a ‘Collective Group Conscience.’ Some service bodies that support the NAWS Corporation provide free access to copywrite literature in violation of Corporate policies.

BMLT

The BMLT (Basic Meeting List Toolbox) is an independent organization of members who generously volunteer their time and efforts to produce accurate meeting lists for websites and hardcopy PDF files. They are very responsive to the groups they serve and are a shining example of what is possible. Support by Groups for the BMLT could be as high as one third of the known Groups and surpass said support for by the NAWS Corporation.

Virtual-NA.org

Virtual-NA.org saved the lives of hundreds of thousands of addicts during the recent Global Pandemic. This online resource provided dependable, 24-hour access to thousands of NA meetings weekly, despite a lack of recognition by most service bodies and the NAWS Corporation. Virtual-NA has grown to over three thousand Groups and there is little indication of a decline with the Pandemic coming to an end.

Anonymous Free Press

Anonymous Free Press is a member-driven initiative to produce an electronic magazine. They operate independently of any service structures, utilizing the NA name without the approval of the NAWS Corporation, but with full support of a growing list of members. Membership has surged to over five hundred after only three editions.