Category: Spiritual Principles

The Emancipation of Addicts

Many Alcoholics started experiencing new freedoms as Alcoholics Anonymous grew. The same was not true for addicts. The suffering of addicts seemed to be an inescapable cage. Some did attend AA meetings and a few found relief. Addicts who had found recovery believed that a new program might better suit the addicts who still suffered.  Narcotics Anonymous came from the creation of the first group in 1953. Those members believed that they could build on the success of Alcoholics Anonymous by adapting the AA Steps and Traditions.  There is a joke within Narcotics Anonymous that every new group started on a resentment. Members would disagree and leave to form new groups. Regardless of the reasons, new groups did and continue to form based on the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. There are tens of thousands of groups today.

Narcotics Anonymous Groups

Groups are the foundation of Narcotics Anonymous. Without groups, Narcotics Anonymous would not exist.  My early time attending NA was spent finding a home group that supported me, and I tried to support them. Joining a home group allowed me to develop intimate relationships. What worked for others was not always clear. Some addicts led very attractive and self-absorbed lives and others seemed to wear their defects like badges of honour. The literature says that there is no model for the recovering or recovered addict, depending on the NA literature you read.  

As members of an NA group, we have made a commitment to support one another in our recovery.  Our group’s commitment to become fully self-supporting reflects the group’s integrity, its faithfulness to its fundamental identity.  We support each other in recovery and, together, we fulfill our collective responsibilities as members of a self-supporting group.

Narcotics Anonymous, It Works How and Why, Tradition Seven, Spiritual Principles

Membership in a Fellowship

The literature says that anyone with a desire to stop using can be a member of Narcotics Anonymous. What constitutes membership is open to interpretation. Narcotics Anonymous literature warns of the ‘self-seekers’ and members who lack the honesty or self-awareness to enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society. Members who are clean can act on their addictions to people, places and things. I used to believe that members who fully participate in all that NA offers were role models. I no longer believe that.

I believe that manipulation and control is a powerful drug and that brings out the worst in people. I am careful with my words and actions because of this.  I am not a role model. I share my experiences, strengths and hopes. The disease of addiction is insidious and manifests in strange and unusual ways. I watch carefully and try to hold my opinions to myself. I always maintain healthy boundaries and rarely trust anyone. I take my own inventory.  My behaviors may constitute recovery to me but might appear as a manifestation of addiction to another.

We have found that most members who attend group meetings just aren’t interested in the “business” of N.A. As a result, a few dedicated members who are willing to do something for the group, usually have to do most of the work. It is at this point that the principle of the trusted servant comes into being. Although most addicts don’t want to help out with the work, they are at least willing to delegate this responsibility to someone else. This seems to be part of the nature of the addict.

Narcotics Anonymous, The Group Booklet, published 1976.

The Principle of the Trusted Servant

Prioritizing the needs of others, building trust, humility, empathy, listening and transparency are critical aspects of the trusted servant from my perspective. The combination is difficult to manage and requires a devotion to recovery that many might not seek. Some hear a call to serve. I have delegated my responsibilities to the care of others many times.

I have not found any solutions to the character defects that afflict me. No amount of time in recovery can lessen their impact when they are active. When I take on responsibilities, and I am entirely ready to have my Higher Power remove my defects, then I have started the process of working as a trusted servant. Complacency invites me to turn away from my responsibilities. Vigilance can bring out my ego, closing my mind to other ideas and new ways. Either way I am no longer serving, I have become entrenched in old behaviors and blind to the possibilities. My close relationships with others can be based on my defects and not spiritual principles.  I become enmeshed in cliques and cults then I lose sight of my responsibilities.  The greatest weapon in my recovery is the Home Group.

The Home Group

Our First Tradition concerns unity and our common welfare. One of the most important things about our new way of life is being a part of a group of addicts seeking recovery. Our survival is directly related to the survival of the group and of the Fellowship. To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous it is imperative that the group remain stable, or else the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Tradition One.

I often wondered how the fate of a single group could jeopardize the entire Fellowship. I see things differently now. When I think of Fellowship, I only concern myself with my home group members, other addicts I associate with, and my sponsor.  I keep my world small. I see Narcotics Anonymous growing in numbers of groups. That is enough for me. I focus on the application of spiritual principles in all my affairs and creating an atmosphere of recovery within my home group.  

Narcotics Anonymous only has a single promise, A life of freedom from active addiction. Once free, there is enormous pressure to conform to certain beliefs and ideals. These toxic groups can quickly become cult-like and form cliques. Freedom from the stigma of being an addict is my greatest achievement. I try to not conform to any ideas or beliefs. I can enjoy complete recovery and acceptance within society. I am no longer chained to my past behaviors and can explore new connections in and out of NA. Freedom comes with a price and that is the responsibilities. For me it starts with a Home Group and The Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I can think of no greater place for a suffering addict to be than at my Home Group and I hope you feel the same.

The Gift of Desperation

Studying Narcotics Anonymous literature is a fundamental tool for any addict seeking a solution to their disease.  NA has a long history of powerful literature, written and tested by addicts. ‘Our Symbol’ is one of the most beautiful pieces of literature that I have read.  First published in ‘The NA Tree’ in 1975, it was written by a founding member of Narcotics Anonymous and included in the first section of the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, published in 1981.    

Wholly or Fully Recovered

My favorite quote from ‘Our Symbol’ is – “the outer circle denotes a universal and total program that has room within for all manifestations of the recovering and wholly recovered person”.

Narcotics Anonymous, ‘Our Symbol’, First published in the NA Tree, 1975, Line 4.

In the Basic Text is another phrase that speaks about recovery – “We can never fully recover, no matter how long we stay clean”.

Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7 ‘Recovery and Relapse’

I wondered at the difference between a “fully recovered addict” and a “wholly recovered addict”. Research shows that “wholly” is preferred when you want to emphasize the total and complete nature of something without reservations. “Wholly” offers a dedication to a particular idea or action more so than “fully”.  

Last House on the Block

Narcotics Anonymous was the last house on the block for me. I felt uncomfortable in Alcoholics Anonymous, I could not afford treatment, and I did not see a path forward in the life that I was living. In N.A., I was willing to try anything, talk about everything and experience any feeling. I was desperate for a solution. My companions were other addicts who shared their experiences and offered their support. I believe the ‘gift of desperation’ equates to the “wholly recovered addict”. In contrast, “fully recovered” is an unreachable destination.  Wholly recovered is a state of being. I was wholly committed to whatever was asked of me despite my fears.

Goodwill is best exemplified in service and proper service is “Doing the right thing for the right reason.” When this supports and motivates both the individual and the Fellowship, we are fully whole and wholly free.

‘Our Symbol’, 1975, last two lines.

Today, recovery has become a convenience store of products with a lot more choices available to suffering addicts. Narcotics Anonymous has become a commodity. I hear addicts sharing at NA meetings that they are ‘committed to trying a particular treatment center again’, ‘working the steps in therapy this time’, and ‘making sure they get to that wonderful AA meeting on Tuesday nights’. I am confused by experiences of others today. Parking lot discussions seem to be about distractions from life on life’s terms.  There used to be discussions focused on NA, on our primary purpose.  I want to talk about our primary purpose and the application of spiritual principles daily in all my affairs.

On the bright side, today many N.A. members have long terms of complete abstinence and are better able to help the newcomer. Their attitude, based in the spiritual values of our Steps and Traditions, is the dynamic force bringing increase and unity to our program. Now we know that the time has come when that tired old lie, “Once an addict always an addict,” will no longer be tolerated by either society or the addict himself. We do recover.

Narcotics Anonymous Little White Book, published in 1966

Desperation

The idea of “‘wholly recovered” was removed from our literature by the publishers.  I no longer feel as welcome as I used to be. The desperation is gone, and I find myself attracted to the complacency of many addicts. Maybe I should relax and have fun, but instead I feel a sense of sadness. The last house on the block is torn down, replaced with a convenience store that has me thinking about living off-grid again. Therein lies the problem.

A desperate addict will do anything for Narcotics Anonymous because they are out of options. Therein lies the solution.  

Did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

Pink Floyd, ‘Wish You Were Here’ song

Embracing Narcotics Anonymous: Lessons for Lasting Recovery

Chapter five of the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, titled “What Can I do?” has been critical to my recovery these last ten years. I had a significant shift in my beliefs about what it means to be in recovery. The Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text Chapter eight says ‘We Do Recover’, but what does that mean for me and what do I do when I recover? The drugs stopped being a problem a long time ago. I have learned from other members that addiction runs much deeper than the use of drugs. Tradition three asks us to have a desire to stop using. Not using comes first in my recovery. Some believe that Tradition Three only refers to drug use, but I see things differently. I am vigilant in my recovery and carefully look at all my behaviors. When I ‘need a meeting’ I am using Narcotics Anonymous like I used drugs. I believe there is a difference between using and active addiction.  Most of the time I go to meetings to ‘help others’. It is important to me know where I am, what brought me there and what I can do to be of service to others. NA helps me to shift my thinking away from using and self-obsession.

Stop Using.

Chapter five of the Second Edition of the Basic Text starts with the following line;

The first step to recovery is to stop using.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Five, first sentence

My drug use brought me to Narcotics Anonymous. Other issues with my addiction have surfaced as the years have gone by. I did not realize the full extent of the problems when I first arrived.  My higher power unfolded awareness of how I used as I was able to handle reality.  Narcotics Anonymous has no opinions on outside issues, but I do. Today, I have opinions about what constitutes using and ideas about what recovery looks like.

I maintain healthy boundaries and I am careful with who I spend time with, particularly in recovery circles. I still struggle with wanting to use and with my character defects. I am fortunate to have a strong support group in and out of the fellowship.  I will work with anyone who wants to carry a message about NA regardless of my feelings about them by putting aside my defects.  

Lose the Desire to Use.

There is space between stopping using and learning a new way to live. Between the two is when we lose the desire to use according to the literature.

What is our message? That an addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.

Basic Text, Chapter Six, Tradition Five

This process has been repeated regularly in my recovery. I remember when I smoked cigarettes. I tried quitting for almost ten years. I would often come to NA to pick up tobacco again. I believe an addict who wants to use can easily find using addicts. We seem drawn to each other. Not everyone would agree that smoking is addictive or a problem. I need to carefully consider who I surround myself with. My relationships form the basis of my reality.

One of the problems is that we found it easier to change our perception of reality. We must give up this old concept and face the fact that reality and life go on whether we choose to accept them or not. We can only change the way we react and the way we see ourselves. This is necessary for us to accept that change is gradual and recovery is an ongoing process.

Basic Text, Chapter 5

I tried to be a part of the complex social and service structures that surround Narcotics Anonymous. I visited people I had no business associating with. I used people and the people I often used were using as well. I was desperate for connection and to feel loved.  I look back and feel like a parasite. I find it difficult to identify the behaviours associated with using. Step 10 helps me daily. Today I hear addicts who ‘need a meeting’ and it sounds like going is a fix from the dope dealer. I am glad they made it to a meeting. I have felt that way many times but less today. If they do not have a desire to stop, then my experiences are worthless. The sought after connections I craved came about after I surrendered. My life is incredibly rich and diverse with friends and support today.

Navigating the fellowships is challenging. I see hundreds of locals at a convention for the entire weekend, but a small percentage are willing to complete simple commitments to be of service. Some of those who are committed to service have problems with control. Manipulation and control are the most powerful drugs in my opinion.

Having a desire to stop using begins when I make that decision to attend a meeting to help others rather than help myself. Narcotics Anonymous is not a smorgasbord of options where I pick and choose my responsibilities. An ultimate authority governs my choices and I choose to the best of my ability. The time between when I stop using and losing the desire to use can be painful. Life does not always feel fair. I am painfully lonely at times but the cost of using is too high. Using holds no solutions for me today.

Learn a New Way to Live.

Practicing these principles in all my affairs is the best option for learning a new way to live. I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society. The danger is dishonesty and self-deception because I am prone to poor thinking. I have a home group and participate freely with all members. It keeps me accountable and surrounds me with the unconditional love needed for my ongoing recovery and the recovery of others. I love to hike, so I join a hiking club because that is the club’s primary purpose. I practice principles when I participate. I am passionate about volunteering, so I join non-profit organizations. The experiences learned are what I bring to Narcotics Anonymous now. When things do not go well, I do not get high over it. I can share the lessons learned so that others do not have to make the same mistakes. I love to share my experience in Narcotics Anonymous with the people my Higher Power puts in my life.

The Two Faces of Anonymity 

‘Anonymity’ is often heard in NA. I hear a lot of opinion but not as much experience about anonymity. Some addicts jump on the ‘personal anonymity’ bandwagon and share their opinions. Others discuss their opinions on ‘anonymity at the level of press, radio and film’.  I do not hear as much on ‘anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions’. For me, anonymity has two faces; what I experience and what the world sees.  

Our Principles Ahead of My Personality 

I love that our Basic Text has a chapter titled, “We Do Recover”.  In the Basic Text, Chapter 7, Recovery and Relapse, it warns, ‘We have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.’ 

I love to participate in recovery and talk with members. I stack chairs or co-host virtual meetings with a great deal of love for this new way of life. What I no longer do is hang out with people in recovery. I tried for a long time. I do not have good skills that make relationships easy.  I have difficulties seeing the dishonesty and deceptions maintained by some members. I also need to be wary of these within myself.  Addiction is not just about drugs and affects all aspects of my life.  I believe that is true for all addicts. I avoid the toxic cliques and cult behaviors of some members. Some people use Fellowship like they used drugs.  I am not here to use. I want to help others find what I have found.  

Local service to NA is difficult where I live. I have tried to stay involved with delivering meeting lists locally for about ten years with no success. My personality will not allow some members to put principles first. Today, I practice principles with people outside of NA, as well. Narcotics Anonymous communities can become a repository for the dishonest and deceptive. Where else can addicts feel comfortable using? I remain vigilant because I see that I can be guilty of this.   

My world has improved. Healthy practice of spiritual principles is not exclusive to NA. I am fortunate to enjoy a rich life of service away from the local fellowship. My teachers are now kind, compassionate and generous members of society. My anonymity means they treat me at face value without the judgement I sometimes experience in NA. Once people know me, I can talk about recovery. They often accept me as the person I am today, not what I was in the past.  

The Spiritual Foundation of NA 

Anonymity for Narcotics Anonymous is critical. NA is relatively unknown to most of society. Anonymity does not mean we remain unknown. Anonymity means that what people learn is not opinions but facts. We are a Fellowship who meet regularly to help each other. This is a ‘help others’ program, not a self-help program. This fact seems lost to some members.  
Anyone can be a part of NA if they have a desire to stop using.  Groups are autonomous and governed by the conscience of the members of that group. I believe if anyone shows up regularly, with a desire to stop using, and a willingness to be a part of, they will enjoy great success in this new way of life. This new way of life includes carrying the message to other suffering addicts.  

I do a lot of research in my writing about NA and volunteering in addictions and mental health organizations. I estimate that about five percent of the population is in recovery. Where I live the population of addicts in recovery is about eighteen thousand based on a population of four hundred thousand. Most addicts struggle alone. Very few attend NA.  They are simply unaware of what this simple program has to offer.  

NA could be doing a much better job of carrying the message, in my opinion. I believe that it would benefit my recovery and my freedom to have a wider base, so I am passionate about Public Information. This was proven to me by the explosion of online NA during the COVID Pandemic. I have found tremendous support and compassion online. I have a higher level of freedom today, as a result.  

Tradition Twelve in the Basic Text offers fifteen lines of text that are so important to our Fellowship.  I love this phrase, ‘The spiritual foundation becomes more important than any one particular group or individual’. 

My addict screams for attention. Every opportunity to be seen, heard or acknowledged feeds my disease. My experience is that by joining together with other addicts I stand the best chance of staying clean today.  I balance my needs against the needs of a home group, by putting the needs of the group first. Anonymity ensures ‘We’ becomes more important than me.  

Money, Property and Prestige?

I have recently experienced a couple situations that got me thinking about Narcotics Anonymous and money. I should change the word thinking to pondering. I was taught not to overthink things and keep it simple. I guess that is my reason to ponder more because I am seeing things done in Narcotics Anonymous that are different than what I was taught. Change happens but some of these changes feel wrong.

A Change In The Way Recovery Is Administered

I was always taught by my predecessors that we should not collect more money than we need. And that money we do collect needs to be used responsibly. Early on in my recovery I found this to be simple. I was taught to put my 7th Tradition contribution in the basket and participate in my homegroup to discuss and determine how those funds are used. What is sent to the area for services like H&I, Public Information and most importantly how the area serves the groups. Then funds can be sent to the region to help support the areas.  Sounds easy enough right? Not so much anymore. Over the past few years, I have seen a change in the way recovery is administered to people coming in the doors. I see changes in group spending. I see changes in area funds and how they are collected. I see and hear folks talk about and doing fundraising for everything.

Groups

So, let’s start with groups. I understand that groups are autonomous to make their own decisions. I just get uncomfortable when I see groups throw big BBQs and food parties at the group level using funds from the 7th Tradition basket. I even saw a group take the 7th Tradition funds and separate it into two pots of money. One pot was used for what I was taught we use 7th Tradition funds for.  Things like rent, coffee, literature. The other pot was used for special activities like BBQs. The food and venue would be paid for using 7th Tradition funds. Then the two pots of money would be shifted back and forth depending on what event was happening and how much money was needed to throw a free party. Holding a speaker meeting at the party was claimed to be “carrying the message.” My teaching was meetings are where the recovery begins and is learned. If I attend a group activity, I pay my own way by buying a ticket and help with the event. Sure, parties are fun, but I would prefer to supply every person with literature instead of charging for the books. (When I came in, I was so sick I did not understand why I needed literature, but I saw that everyone had it, so I stole my first book.) Today I understand the lifesaving nature of literature and the need to read and study it. (And I clearly do not understand why a homegroups needs their own t-shirts. But that may be a story for another day.) We do not need parties to stay clean. We need to be taught about recovery and as you progress and stay clean the parties and conventions will come.

Conventions

I am an experienced person in many levels and types of service. I am grateful that I was taught service very early on and it is a powerful tool to stay clean. I have always been good with convention committees. I enjoy seeing people learn to have fun and stay clean. (I connected getting loaded to having fun. Didn’t think it was possible clean) Lately I feel myself getting a bad taste for conventions. I recently served on a convention committee that had $75,000 left after all the bills had been paid. (This convention makes that same excess every year.)  As I watched the money coming in my stomach rumbled. My gut was reacting to charging money for a ticket for every single activity that was held at the convention. (registration, merchandise, dinner, breakfast, dances, comedians, raffles, etc.) When I suggested doing the dance and comedians at no cost the committee looked at me like I had horns. How could I suggest such a horrible thing? (A donation fund for newcomers is always set up at this convention and those newcomer funds are never fully spent.) What is wrong with doing events at no cost when the convention is left with so much overage in funds? Instead, at the end of the convention we are arguing over what to do with the excess money. I see money from conventions, retreats, campouts, etc. being given to other areas and events instead of reducing things like registration fees. To me conventions and activities are special events we do but we are still responsible to be self-supporting. These events are done in the name of Narcotics Anonymous but are not Narcotics Anonymous. Many people disagree with me on that point. For me it comes down to staying clean. If I never attend another special event or convention, I will stay clean by using the tools. My recovery is not based on my attendance at conventions.

Grandiosity

I guess I see more grandiosity than I feel is needed. Let’s get back to keeping it simple. I am still an avid attendee at meetings and prefer literature studies. I still participate in service in many ways. Service has saved me more than once. I will continue to serve and discuss issues that do not sit well with my sponsor. I will try to be part of the solution. I can disagree but will not participate where I feel conflict with group or committee practices. I will pick more closely what I feel is the best option for the most.

Home Group Devotional

Narcotics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous has no pledges to sign and no promises to make. Some members may not find relief from using drugs immediately, but I have seen that happen countless times at my home group. There are no membership fees, and I am free to come and go as I please. I have learned that my personal recovery depends on unity with others, like me, who have struggled with drug addiction. I accept that I have a desire to stop using, and I seek a new way to live. This motivates me daily.  That way includes the support of others and a commitment to helping other addicts who struggle with their addiction. My experience is that it is best done within a Home Group. This Fellowship is all encompassing, and anyone can join my Home Group. My commitment to my Home Group is a devotion; a loyalty and love that knows no bounds.

Meet Regularly to Help Each Other

The Narcotics Anonymous literature says we meet regularly to help each other. This is a Fellowship that provides the unconditional love and experiences of other members like myself. We meet often enough to serve my needs and the needs of others.  I am neither too big nor too small to find a place here. Everything in Narcotics Anonymous that occurs outside of my Home Group is not of my concern. I have learned to trust my higher power care for my life and the lives of others. My ideas, big and small, have a home here in my home group. With the support of a Group Conscience, I can achieve great things. Good ideas that have not found their right time and bad ideas too, will fall away. It helps me put everything in perspective outside of Narcotics Anonymous when I am in society. The practical application of spiritual principles within a group allows me to function outside the group.

Powerful Addictions

I believe today that the most powerful addiction affecting me is manipulation and control. I participate in a Narcotics Anonymous Home Group for help and to help.  I learn to balance my recovery with the recovery of others. I learn the importance of having a secretary record our decisions accurately so that the will of the Group stays ahead of the will of an individual. I see how important it is to have a treasurer who manages our funds carefully to sustain the group and carry a message to the still suffering addict. My group lives or dies by the decisions we make, and how we support ourselves. No one will pay our bills if we are frivolous, and addicts will die if they do not know we are here. Sometimes my home group will try and work with others. We send a trusted servant who can carry our collective will to achieve some goal. We are also able to walk away from any situation that jeopardizes our unity, our autonomy and our collective freedom. Strong personalities do not fare well within a group and sometimes a group struggles to grow because of this. These lessons help me when I am outside the group participating in society or working with other groups.

WCNA#38

I recently attended an event known as the World Convention of NA #38 because of the generosity of others. It was a powerful display. I heard many members with powerful experiences and strong opinions speak either at the podium or in private conversations. I was overwhelmed with emotion to meet up with home group members who were able to attend. I hugged each of them and wept openly. My life depends on these people more than Narcotics Anonymous will ever understand. The joy was indescribable.

I was saddened to hear the Executive Director of the NAWS corporation speak of willfully using Narcotics Anonymous funds to pursue his personal agenda. Theft should never be taken lightly. It was upsetting to hear him speak of being pushed to the point of violence when confronted with words. Violence is the language of the ignorant. I hope he returns to his home group and finds acceptance and unconditional love.

Apparently, the convention will lose money. My hope is that those groups who supported this event will learn an important lesson.  It is unfortunate that such a small number of groups support the World Service Conference, and the NAWS corporation because they bear full responsibility for the loss. The worst part for me is the lending of the ‘Narcotics Anonymous’ name to these outside enterprises.   Overdue bills and the behaviors of those outside of Narcotics Anonymous damages our reputation when associated with NA. Better care should be the lesson learned when assigning a Home Group’s responsibilities to a service structure. Fortunately, Narcotics Anonymous has become so large that the loss of the World Service Conference, The NAWS corporation, any service structure or groups will not affect Narcotics Anonymous as a whole.

Groups May Create Service Boards and Committees

When a group gives authority to an outside enterprise, they create the perfect opportunity for our sickest members to govern. Great care should be taken when assigning any responsibilities and accountabilities. The actions of our trusted servants should always be taken with great humility.

The Cabals of Narcotics Anonymous

Cabals

When I first came to Narcotics Anonymous, I smoked tobacco cigarettes. I started when I was twelve years old. Using tobacco was more rebellion than a serious commitment at that age. Addiction developed progressively as I grew older and by eighteen, I was a full-time cigarette smoker. I tried to quit several times. I continued to smoke for about ten years after coming to NA. I loved the social aspects of smoking especially when I stood outside of a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I was so lonely, and socializing became a drug. Often my relapse from trying to quit smoking was at an NA meeting. There were a lot of members willing to help me relapse.  Talking to members who continued to smoke was insightful. I have a better understanding today of my obsession and compulsion to use, and I am grateful I was able to quit smoking. A cabal is a group of individuals with a vested interest in promoting an idea. When I got clean it was very popular to stop for a smoke break at the halfway point in the meeting.  Some members fought very hard to keep this practice alive. There was nothing spiritual about their desire from my perspective. Some meetings continue the practice today.  What other groups do is none of my business. It is also not the business of my home group, or of NA, as a whole.

Our Way of Life

I was taught early in recovery is what unites us as a Fellowship is the desire to stop using. I try and keep an awareness of that desire by looking at my thoughts and behaviors daily. I am happy to be free of cigarettes and understand that not everyone makes that choice. Addition takes many forms. Early attempts at writing literature must have been full of conflicting viewpoints.   I love to study the rich history of Narcotics Anonymous and the evolution of literature. Everyone has opinions about what is or is not recovery and what constitutes using. My understanding of Narcotics Anonymous is expressed in early literature.

Banded together in groups, or sometimes alone, we aim to help fellow users recover health. Not being reformers, we offer our experience only to those who want it. There are no fees – N.A. is a vocation. Each member squares his debt of gratitude by helping other addicts to recover. In so doing he maintains his own freedom from the habit.

Our Way of Life, An introduction to NA, Cleveland Narcotics Anonymous, 1963.

Reformers

Reformers want to make changes. I find it difficult to not form opinions about what works or does not work. Complacency is the enemy of members with clean time and I believe that the progression is natural.  My opinions can be destructive to unity, but I may persist in expressing a viewpoint. I try to deny people the experiences that they may need.  Shared opinions help to create a cult-like environment. I find that some members are willing to promote opinions about Narcotics Anonymous. One definition of a cult is when cabals promote imaginary rules about the treatment of a disease. Narcotics Anonymous is not a cult despite the efforts of some members. NA has no opinion about smoking tobacco, but it has clear ideas about using, dishonesty and self-deception.

We operate in an atmosphere of complete acceptance and respect for one another’s beliefs.  We try to avoid the arrogance of self-righteousness, because it is one of the deadliest forms of self-deception. Even though we avoid pushing any ideas on anyone, we do suggest, strongly, that each person make an honest attempt to find a Power greater than themselves.

Grey Book, Memphis Tennessee Draft, dated February 15th, 1981. Chapter 4 – “Step 12”.

The Narcotics Anonymous literature says that there are self-seekers (people who put their own needs ahead of Fellowship). The literature says we meet regularly to help each other but the truth is that some only meet to help themselves. We also have members who remain abstinent but continue to act on old behaviors.

Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Grey Book, Memphis Tennessee Draft, Chapter 7 “Recovery and Relapse”, preamble.

Cabals seem to form from the self-seekers, dishonest and self-deception of members. I’m ok with having my own ideas about recovery but acting with other members to manipulate the truth is a whole different level of addiction.

The Home Group

Critical to my recovery is a commitment to a Home Group. I can pick my friends, but I try not to control who joins my home group. The diversity of a home group benefits my recovery. The unconditional love we offer each other is the foundation of any home group I have ever supported. The worst examples of recovery also have a place in my Home Group. I benefit from being inclusive and so does my group. Some days I am the worst example of recovery. Hearing a shared experience is what wakes me up to reality. Connecting with reality shows how I have been using behaviors or holding on to old ideas.  Those awakenings can occur slowly as I continue to attend. I find that a newcomer will add a better perspective than someone who has been attending regularly. I can become blind to the disease and my perspective is altered by the company I keep. Newcomers refresh our Fellowship with new ideas.

The Traditions make sense

My experience is that sometimes I need to change home groups. This can be a win win situation when the dynamics become intolerable. My personality ahead of the principles of a group or cabal. I can take my opinions and experiences and move on to another group. A healthy group is not dictated by the demands of a single member or cabal. Narcotics Anonymous Tradition Two; “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience.” There are no rules and no governing bodies. Groups, like individuals, vary greatly. I do not recognize any version of Narcotics Anonymous beyond the Group level. The Traditions make sense to me when I only consider Groups as NA. I see a Fellowship that is structure free. Groups only benefit from trusted servants when the servants do not govern. Lending the NA name to conventions, service bodies and any enterprise promotes the self interest of the enterprise and as such, a cabal is created. A group trying a new idea can result in other groups benefiting from the experience. We ought not be organized as organizations require rules and can be corrupted by the cabals of NA.

Self-Obsession

Self-Obsession is the Core of Our Disease.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd edition, Chapter 5 ’What Can I Do?’, line 38.

The title of this blog is a line from the Basic Text and this information changed everything for me. My understanding did not come overnight but over time. It was a slow progression that changed my life to the one I lead today. To the best of my ability, I have learned to live, moment to moment. There is a balance I work hard to maintain, like a hiker moving forward, carefully testing each step. Regardless of the terrain, each step forward is part of a journey and when I lose focus on the moment, I tend to fall. Sometimes the terrain is difficult and sometimes not but when I lose focus, I can find myself lying on the ground, having encountered some unseen root or stone.  Equally important is the path I take because self-obsession is always present. That is the critical role that the Traditions play in my life. The Traditions have become as important as the Steps for me. Without the Twelve Traditions, self-obsession can be the core of my recovery. The Twelve Traditions are truly the ties that bind us together.

A Using Addict Attracts Addicts Who Are Using.

I first started to notice the impact that self-obsession played on my life when I had over a year clean. Time and time again I would find myself struggling with some decision or dealing with some feeling that was entirely based on the impact it would have on my life. I would be angry and pout because my family wanted to go shopping at the mall, which I hated. The division of chores in our household seemed unfair. I often felt like I worked harder than my coworkers and lacked the recognition I deserved. The awareness did not always lead to change. I found it difficult to stop using people, places and things. When I was able to stop, I often felt a deep sense of loss. Maintaining a desire to stop using required effort. Eventually I was able to listen and learn from others a new way to live. Sometimes the distance from stopping using to learning a new way to live was measured in years.  Smoking cigarettes was a problem for me, and it took a decade to finally stop. I needed to walk away from the cluster of smoking addicts at every meeting I attended.  I wanted to be popular and well liked but a using addict hangs with addicts that are using.  I was finally able to surrender my addiction to Fellowship. I had grown co-dependent on Narcotics Anonymous as a social club. My awareness of the disease is critical to my success. Every day I am faced with challenges and my sense of entitlement marches along in step.

Help Others Program

My circle of friends and support is smaller today than previous. I am weary of the abusive nature of addicts. Even within a Home Group I find addicts consumed with self-interest.  I am not interested in treatment centers and the focus on character defects and character development. Self-obsession is the natural progression of addicts without the 12 Traditions. Narcotics Anonymous has instilled in me a sense of love for myself and that came from experiencing the unconditional love of the Fellowship. I seek a true Fellowship of addicts with a desire to stop using. I know of no other method of showing gratitude than the selfless expression of my time and energy. Each time I surrender, I lose nothing but a false sense that my needs might be met. My reliance is on the God of my understanding to put me where I need to be. I learned a lot of this from applying the Twelve Traditions in a Home Group. I am less afraid, and I have better focus on the tasks at hand. NA is where I serve. I take responsibility for all aspects of my recovery. I am less concerned with being served. I know of no other way to live with the disease of addiction than the NA way. We meet regularly to help each other. NA is not a self-help program but is primarily a help others program.   

Actions of My Obsessions

I find that the most difficult aspect of the disease of addiction is obsessive thoughts. The obsessions combined with compulsive behaviors fueled many strange and unusual situations in my life. I believe that attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings finally broke the cycle of acting on compulsive behaviors. I found freedom by listening to others and sharing my experiences. Today I can identify my thoughts and choose to act differently.  I still suffer from the disease of addiction but I did not have to act on every impulsive behavior. I see that the actions of my obsessions is using. I have heard many addicts share that first we stop using, then we lose the desire to use, and finally achieve a new way to live.  I realized the extent of the disease when I was over fourteen years clean. I found myself alone, caught in lies and self-deception and nowhere to turn to. Alone, I ended up spiraling out of control. I found a solution in my desperation. The solution was found in the Primary Purpose of Narcotics Anonymous.

Primary Purpose

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter two, ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?’

Staying clean by attending meetings was and remains primary to my recovery. I must look at my life with fresh eyes each day. Complacency is the enemy of members with two days or two decades clean. It is simply not enough to attend a meeting. I need to actively engage in recovery and that means helping others. Helping others can be a challenge. I am still prone to delusional thoughts that trap me in cyclical thinking. That is why I maintain a relationship with a Home Group. I surround myself with members who have a desire to stop using. Using drugs brought me to NA but now I am aware that using involves lots of different behaviors. I have fallen into the trap of surrounding myself with addicts who are using; people, places and things will distract any of us from recovery. The literature says ‘Tell us about your problem and how we can help’; If you are unwilling or blind to the problems in your life or the lives of those around you, how am I able to help? Not every home group member has a desire to stop using. Some members are self-seekers. Narcotics Anonymous literature talks about the Self-Seeker.

Self-Seeker; a person who primarily pursues their own interest or selfish ends.

From https://www.dictionary.com

It is not that surprising to find self-seekers in NA. Narcotics Anonymous states that ‘self-obsession’ as the core of the disease. I am careful with who is in my life today. It is easy to end up within a group of self-seekers. You need look no further than the social cliques that form in everyday life. Addicts pretend they are in recovery by surrounding themselves with people who enjoy similar pursuits. The result is hundreds attending a convention and only a few attending a service committee. It is easy to convince myself that I’m not using if my friends are doing the same things.

However, many will become the role models for newcomers to follow while…the self-seekers soon find they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster to themselves. Many of them change; they learn we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, ‘Tradition Two’

Home Group

The Home Group relationships I have are the most important ones in my life today. I cannot control who joins a group but I can control who is in my social circles. I find myself turning away from the conflicts within the Home Group and seeking solstice within my social cliques. A subtle change in my attention is all the distraction my disease needs. My personal recovery depends on unity and that is best found in my home group. I can manipulate the people in my social circle. A home group is the best representation of a higher power in my life, and the greatest source of spiritual growth. There is strength in diversity. My disease will reject this and using people, places and things become my obsession. Eventually the cliques fail to feed my addiction and my isolation grows.

This is our road to spiritual growth. We change every day…to gradually, carefully and simply pull ourselves out of the isolation and loneliness of  addiction into the mainstream of life. This comes not from wishing, but from action and prayer. The main objective of Step Seven is to get out of ourselves and strive for achieving the will of our Higher Power.

Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, ‘Step Seven’

I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society when I can strip myself of dishonesty and self-deception. I have found freedom from the disease. I have become peaceful. The best vehicle for expressing love is in my relationships with society.   

Arrested

The disease concept of addiction treatment was quite new in the 1950’s.  Many alcoholics had achieved sobriety by attending Alcoholics Anonymous since the 1930’s.  The version of Narcotics Anonymous many of us know today started in 1953. A small number of addicts also achieved success in AA. A few addicts believed that the Twelve Step program could be adapted for addicts. It was rare that addicts found recovery in AA and many addicts were discouraged from attending AA meetings. For alcoholics who had found sobriety, the answer was quite simple.

Alcoholics Anonymous – How It Works

Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. 

Reprinted from the book Alcoholics Anonymous ® Copyright © 1939, 1955, 1976, 2001 by A.A. World Services, Inc.

I briefly attended AA meetings early in my recovery. I believed that success in AA was achieved by becoming honest and sobriety was measured in time free from actively using alcohol. I was also attending NA meetings. This formula for success did not seem to work well for addicts. I felt comfortable in NA. I gave up on AA and dedicated myself to NA. The formula for success in NA was much harder to define.

After coming to N.A. we realized we were sick people who suffered from a disease like Alcoholism, Diabetes or Tuberculosis. There is no known “Cure” for these-all however, can be arrested at some point and “Recovery” is then possible.

Narcotics Anonymous, Little White Book, published in 1966, ‘Why Are We Here?’

NA was quite new when this was written but already enjoying success. I was told that an addict who did not use today was a miracle. There were a lot of suggestions. Avoid people, places and things that I associated with using. Attend meetings regularly. Try and find a sponsor to guide me through the steps. Find a home group and participate in the group actively. Try and help; be of service to others. I did stop using drugs, I did what was suggested and it felt like recovery had become possible. I also knew that the disease did not always feel like it was arrested, and recovery seemed unfathomable some days.

Dying To Help

There is a scene many addicts have seen over and over at meetings. One member struggles to do one of the readings. They might be new and unfamiliar with the language, have limited reading skills, or maybe some ailment that makes reading difficult. At the same time, another addict might leave in frustration. Addicts attending the meeting might empathize with one side or the other. Some listen to support the member doing the reading and others want a clear message of recovery.  There are other dramas that unfold.   Emotional attachments to ideas or beliefs seem to force many of us to take a stand on what we see as right or wrong. Sometimes my addiction is so powerful that I cannot accept new ideas or behaviors. I have learned that many addicts are simply trying to help in the best way that they can. Others are here to simply help themselves with little regard for fellow addicts.  The reasons we behave the way we do are as varied as the addicts who attend. The Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text offers this warning.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7 – ‘Recovery and Relapse’.

Those who willingly or unwillingly choose to help themselves can become role models. Obsessive and compulsive behaviors can be attractive. Unity suffers as a result. Using becomes a choice but it is not always about drugs.  Addiction takes many forms.

This Sixth Tradition goes on to warn us what may happen: “lest problems of money, property or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.” These often-become obsessions and shut us off from our spiritual aim. For the individual, this type of abuse can be devastating; for the group, it can be disastrous. When we as a group waiver from our primary purpose, addicts die who might have found recovery.

Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 6 – ‘The Twelve Traditions, Tradition Six’.

Anonymity and Anonymous

Most of us eventually learn to say  ‘anonymity’ and ‘autonomous’ but few understand the meaning of either. Member shares about either and this can be a convoluted mess of self-deception.  As addicts, we seem to be quick to form opinions. We become twisted with emotions even over something simple like doing a reading and the meanings of our phrases.  I understand today that our literature is accurate. We are sick people, but the disease can be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible. The arrest of the disease is as mysterious as the addicts who live with it. Some walk in clean to their first meeting and never look back. Others struggle for days, months or even years. I have spent time in judgement of those who struggled. I would form opinions about what was lacking in their program. Members will exchange looks when someone is ‘coming back’ again and again. The judgements and opinions of others I formed were disastrous to myself and my group.  

I believe in the Grace of God and the miracle of a life free from drugs. I also believe that anyone attending NA can achieve that miracle. Even before I found NA, I had experienced moments of Grace. I did not always recognize these moments as Grace. I never knew what to do with that Grace.

The second part says  that  ‘recovery is then possible’.  My interest in ‘Fellowship’ is knowing if you have a desire to stop using. After that initial surrender I see many addicts who are happy to continue using. Narcotics Anonymous can be a big dysfunctional smorgasbord of distractions. You can see hundreds attending a convention and two attending a service commitment within the same geographical area. Addiction knows no boundaries.

There are too many sides in too many battles. We fight about the meaning of literature. We battle with people who are ‘clean and sober’. We argue about Medically Assisted Treatment (Suboxone/Methadone). We battle about who decides what is right and wrong. We battle with those who try to govern. The drama of it all keeps me from engaging in ‘Fellowship’. I avoid gatherings. For many years I tried to be a part of, but I came to see how toxic a culture exists in the many cliques and gatherings. I might be the sickest member in the room, but I keep to myself and try to help when I can. My recovery is service to others. You have to tell me what you want to do about your problem and how I can help.