Steps – Page 2 – One Addicts Experience

Enough

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently (it feels like months…) looking at a feeling I have. Maybe ‘feeling’ is not the best word, it might be a puzzle, or maybe a bit of self-deception, I am not sure exactly what it is. I have a feeling of having enough. I am content. I want to clarify a few things first. I did not win the lottery and I have not moved to a tropical island to retire. You probably have your own ideas on what ‘enough’ is. I have felt like this for quite a few years now. As an addict, it was a feeling that I thought would be a lot more elusive. Life is full of ups and downs, with all the raw emotions of change and I’m not immune to those. My life today rests on a foundation of happiness. I found this section of the Narcotics Anonymous literature quite relevant.

Obsessive behavior is a common denominator for addictive people. We have times when we try to fill ourselves up until we are satisfied, only to discover that there is no way to satisfy us. Part of our addictive pattern is that we can never get enough of whatever we think we want. Sometimes we forget and we think that if we can just get enough food or enough sex, or enough money we’ll be satisfied and everything will be all right. Self-will still leads us to make decisions based on manipulation, ego, lust, or false pride. We don’t like to be wrong. Our egos tell us that we can do it on our own, but loneliness and paranoia quickly return. We find that we cannot really do it alone, and when we try things get worse. We need to be reminded of where we came from and that it will get progressively worse if we use. This is when we need the Fellowship the most.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Seven, Recovery and Relapse.

A Wide Range of Addicts

Later versions of the Basic Text removed the phrase ‘of whatever we think we want’ but for me the original wording is best. What I want can be a dangerous place given the right set of circumstances. Being immersed in Narcotics Anonymous does not offer much protection from want. In fact, surrounding yourself with addicts can make things worse. Years ago, someone pointed out to me that Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. I had rose coloured glasses that told me a different story, but I see things clearly today. There are a wide range of addicts described in the Basic Text.

Self-seekers, opportunists with little concern for right and wrong.
members who remain abstinent, but whose dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from complete recovery and finding acceptance within society.
Addicts struggling back from relapse.
Others who are caught up in complacency, with a vague sense of having done the right things and an inability to see the larger picture.
Members enjoying complete recovery.
Newcomers who arrive in desperation for a new way to live.

I have tried to maintain relationships with all of them. Some I have chased like an addict looking for a fix because I thought they had something I wanted. Some of them I thought I could fix, which at its core, is another of my wants. Some used me for their own selfish desires because I allowed myself to be blind. I have also gone through dark periods where I thought Narcotics Anonymous would be better without some of them. Each pursuit of some ‘want’ brings about a reminder about powerlessness, surrender, and acceptance in my recovery.

There are some constants in my recovery. I have always had a sponsor and I have always supported a home group. A sponsor acts as a guide, and a home group meets regularly to help each other stay clean. The primary purpose of a home group is to carry a message to the still suffering addict. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program, but a help others program. I am currently a member of two home groups. I like this arrangement and it suits my lifestyle well. Being part of a home group has been a foundation for my recovery. I believe being part of a home group has been instrumental in my current feelings of contentment. A healthy balance of addicts aids my recovery. There is a curious line within the Basic Text.

Death of a Fellowship

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous, it is imperative that the group remain stable, or the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.
Basic Text, Chapter Six, Tradition One, fourth line.

I used to think the wording was a mistake because the phrase seemed to connect the stability of a single group to the fate of the entire Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I have a different appreciation of the language today. I confine my thoughts on Fellowship to my home group. This helps me to keep things simple and I can have a conversation with any home group member about the Traditions as they apply to our group. I do not have to like or have a personal relationship with anyone in my home group. I like the idea of Narcotics Anonymous being made up of tens of thousands of Fellowships, each with a unique personality and perspective. I still have a desire to stop using today. That desire today is more on my defects than the use of drugs. I feel connected to other members when I maintain awareness of my desire to stop. It levels the playing field and helps me to see each of us as equals. If I find the Group behaving in a way that I cannot accept, I simply find a new Fellowship of addicts following the Twelve Steps and Traditions of NA or I start a group. Sometimes I must let things go and follow the Group Conscience. As the Fellowship grows, the shared experiences increase, and I have more freedom from self-obsession.

False Fellowships

There are lots of false fellowships within Narcotics Anonymous. Many members attending a convention feel good and think ‘This is an amazing Fellowship’ or talk of ‘Unity’ but I see no evidence to support that at our service committee meetings. Members enjoy the thrill of a convention but abandoned their efforts to carry the message afterwards. Newcomers rarely show up to a convention for their first meeting. Some newcomers arrive at a actual meeting holding a wrinkled meeting list they have looked at for days before finally making the effort to attend a meeting. False unity becomes a drug and many addicts end up using over and over. That is not the only example.

Addicts make up false Fellowships all the time. Calling all your addict friends to go on a trip or to a beach party is not a Fellowship. Gatherings are simply a bunch of friends getting together but the illusion of ‘Fellowship’ detracts from the primary purpose. I avoid personal relationships in NA now and seek to serve. I’m tired of being used, and witnessing others using NA. It is a painful reminder of my own experience with using NA as a social club. I am as powerless over others as I am of my disease. Personal recovery depends on unity which is defined as;

a condition of harmony

continuity without deviation or change (as in purpose or action)
“Unity.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/unity. Accessed 29 Aug. 2023.

I have found that what I have learned in the last few years about Fellowship and unity benefits me in my personal life. Working with co-workers, or being part of a volunteer group, is much more rewarding now. I am focused on the purpose ahead of the personalities in all my affairs. I now have more friends than I have ever had, and many are outside the Fellowship. What I have learned outside the Fellowship has helped me form intimate relationships with healthy people inside the Fellowship. I am a complete person and content with who I am. I also recognize that I have abundance in my life I can share. I have time and resources to benefit others. I am enough and I have enough.

The Sponsor

The Experience of Others

There was a lot to absorb when I first started attending Narcotics Anonymous. It was like being on the receiving end of a firehose of feelings, thoughts, perceptions, and ideas. I marvel today at the newcomers who stick with the program, adapt what works and discard what does not. The diversity of the addicts who make up the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous amazes me. I heard early on that I should get a home group, work the steps, get involved in service, talk to members, and visit various groups. I also heard that I should get a sponsor. When I asked, I was told that a sponsor ‘takes you through the steps’ but I saw a lot more than that going on. I thought it was important to lay a good foundation of the basics and I went through a tremendous number of sponsors in two years. Every one of those early sponsors was a ‘loser’ when I pulled out my recovery measuring stick. I compared what I was told ‘worked’ with what my sponsor was doing and discarded them like I was changing socks. They failed to measure up. I tried to learn from the experiences of others who seemed to find sponsors they could work with. It was hard to let go of my own ideas and embrace these vague ideas about what worked.

When The Student is Ready, The Teachers Arrive.

Some sponsors gather their sponsees around them like a hen with chicks. Other sponsors were completely indifferent. One sponsor I found was a dream come true. He was the big man at meetings, riding his motorcycle, blue collar worker and quite involved with being of service. His wife was equally involved in NA. They were the NA power couple we so often see. I was shocked when he ripped me off for sixty dollars and left town. I was hurt and thought of giving up. He stopped answering his phone, left town and avoided me like I had the plague at conventions and events over the years. I knew I must have done something wrong, and it re-enforced the idea that I was less than. It laid the foundation for a long history of abusive relationships within the fellowship. I did eventually find a good sponsor and completed a set of steps but my trust was damaged. I am still trying to figure out what makes a good sponsor, and I’m fortunate to have several sponsees who are helping me today. Sponsorship feels more like being a student today than the teacher I thought I was supposed to be. Sponsees tell me what is working for them and what is not. We talk about struggles and how best to serve the God of their understanding.

We have found it helpful to have a sponsor and to use this sponsor. Sponsorship is merely a way of describing the special interest of an experienced member that can mean so much to newcomers after they turn to N.A. for help. Sponsorship is also a two-way street,…helping both the newcomer and the sponsor. The sponsor’s clean time and experience may well depend on the availability of sponsors in a locality. Sponsorship is also the responsibility of the group for helping the newcomer. It is implied and informal in its approach, but it is the heart of the N.A. way of recovery from addiction—one addict helping another.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 5, “What Can I do?”, line numbered, pg 52.

Bad Ideas

I have had a lot of bad ideas about sponsorship over the years. The fellowship is diverse so I try and let go of any ideas I have about what recovery should look like for someone else. I have found a lot of benefit in taking a special interest in newcomers. Sometimes those relationships turn into sponsorship. Many of my best ideas became bad ideas once I was able to share them with a sponsor. It is nice to be that person for someone else. I try not to guide sponsees or offer directions. Each addict has a unique perspective on Fellowship. I love these three lines from Information Pamphlet #6, published by Narcotics Anonymous in 1976.

…We in the recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous have noted with some satisfaction that many of the relapsers, when again active in their prime or substitute addiction have dropped many of the parallel behaviors that characterized them in the past…

…Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society…

…An addict, who by any means, can lose even for a time the need or desire to use, and has free choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery…
IP #6, Narcotics Anonymous, 1976, available at this link from the Autonomous Region for Narcotics Anonymous

The Fourth Edition of the Basic Text introduced the idea that ‘Self-Seekers’ were part of Narcotic Anonymous but that was never approved by the Groups. I wrote an article about the evolution of self-seeking as a behavior to self-seekers as a classification of member. Sponsoring a self-seeker comes with some challenges but the same is likely true for other types of addicts. I do believe that I cannot measure someone’s desire to stop using. Self-seekers seem to make up a significant portion of the Fellowship and have become role models for newcomers. Sponsoring can be particularly challenging when there are so few examples of what recovery can look like.

Help Others Program

In the end, what the literature says is when we meet regularly to help each other. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program but a help others program. Helping others comes with a unique set of challenges. I have learned I cannot fix another person, even if I sponsor them. Helping others involves the sponsee arriving at a problem and talking about solutions. Navigating the relationships required for unity is less challenging when I have a sponsor. Unity brings a unique set of problems.

Self-help is best left to the professionals. Self-seeking has the potential to become another manifestation of addiction. This is evident by the rapid rise in therapists, self-help books, gurus, and healers. Self-help is a billion-dollar industry fueled by the self-seekers. The carrot of potential hanging in front of the self-seeker is more powerful than any drug.

Having Had a Spiritual Awakening

The full range of human experiences becomes evident as you start to sponsor people. There are great dangers in exposing trauma and providing even the basics of therapy. Narcotics Anonymous is a ‘we’ program, and sponsors can help with unity but not in providing discount therapy, in my opinion. When a addict completes the steps, they are encouraged to practice spiritual principles, carry a message to other addicts as a result of an awakening of the spirit. My role as a sponsor has been facilitating the change of an individual into a member. That change involves the application of the Twelve Traditions. My experience is that each of us is already a perfect example of what a human can be. Our true value shines when we work together.

Attraction and Promotion

I remember when I was young, and I would party a lot. We would laugh about how intoxicated we got and how intoxicated we were going to get next time. Getting ‘messed up’, ‘baked’ or a dozen other euphemisms was what I thought was an attractive lifestyle. I had friends who dropped acid and called it ‘cutting tracks’ because it apparently scarred your brain and we thought that was cool. I was too scared to try acid but I tried other things. Some people would talk about what a magical experience hard drugs were and try and convince me to try everything. Things changed when I decided to get clean and joined Narcotics Anonymous. I still think about what activities or lifestyles I consider attractive, and some people still promote their ideas about what they think is attractive. Narcotics Anonymous Tradition Eleven says that ‘Our public relations policy is attraction rather than promotion, we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and film’. There are a couple things to consider when looking at the first part of this Tradition. My public relations policy might not be the same as Narcotics Anonymous. I might be fine with promoting something that NA would not. I like wearing blue jeans, and I love gardening. You might find that an excellent experience too and seeing me in my jeans, working in the garden might be attractive. I could try and convince you that both are excellent choices by promoting them. Narcotics Anonymous would probably not have an opinion on either blue jeans or gardening but I can’t speak for what Narcotics Anonymous would say about either. As a member, when I do speak for NA, it would be as a servant, and my personal opinions should not influence what message I carry on behalf of NA and that can be difficult sometimes.

The greater the base, as we grow in unity in numbers and in Fellowship, the broader the sides and the higher the point of freedom. Probably the last to be lost to freedom will be the stigma of being an addict. Goodwill is best exemplified in service and proper service is “Doing the right thing for the right reason.” When this supports and motivates both the individual and the Fellowship, we are fully whole and wholly free.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2^nd Edition, ‘Our Symbol’, page vii

Stacey Ruth, CPC wrote an excellent article about ‘Attraction vs Promotion’. Her article references a common misconception in 12 step programs about Tradition Eleven. I liked this quote from her article and found it really sorted out the difference between attraction and promotion.

Attraction leaves the opportunity for action in the hands of the audience, while promotion leads them into submission.
Stacey Ruth, CPC, Linkedin “The Big Lie About Marketing: Attraction vs. Promotion”

Fellowships, Cliques, and Passersby.

Attraction and promotion covers a wide range on the part of both the audience and the presenters. At one point I thought I was part of one of the many cliques that form in local recovery circles. I believe that cliques are formed to protect members from accountability for their actions. United we stand and divided we fall. Cliques can ignore the traditions, or manipulate them to suit the needs of the clique. We would all sit together at meetings, and a privileged few would be invited to events. Phone calls from clique members were a sought-after reward for good behavior and formed part of the hierarchy. Being part of a clique can be precarious and the politics are well beyond my grasp to understand. I never function well in cliques even before I got clean and have given up on learning the etiquette of cliques. Cliques are dangerous because they detract from unity by promoting oppression. One danger is that the activities or events can truly be attractive, but promote disunity by oppressing other ideas.

I have found within myself repeatedly, a strong desire to promote my own ideas. I want to talk about who my sponsor is, how many sponsees I have, or my clean time. I will seek like-minded people who can appreciate me and help promote my ideas about what I think is attractive. I am not the only one. People with clean time congregate with other people who have clean time. Wildly crazy thoughts seem to make so much sense in the moment and even more sense when you have the support of a clique. Stupid loves company.

I have experienced how complacency is the enemy of members with clean time. It is very easy to develop uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements. I hear addicts sharing about their lavish lifestyles and new connections with other cliques. Looking good and feeling good become a mantra. Members talk about The Grace of God’, and how they are miracles in a meeting, but spend the rest of the day completely self-consumed with activities that enhance their own experiences. Hubris is a lack of gratitude. In the cliques, we used gaslighting to oppress others. Simply present a viewpoint as truth, and act like the victim is crazy when they question it. People say “I don’t know why you don’t want to be apart of”, assuming what they are doing is particularly attractive. I keep my world small and my Fellowship small today. I’m interested in delivering meeting lists and working on websites for NA. I love Public Information.

I avoid members who promote treatment centres in meetings. Some members are confused about what recovery means in NA by trying to blend the two worlds. Other members are only interested in lifestyle but not work. Even after decades clean, member will continue to act like a passersby, doing the minimal effort to maintain what they see as their status in NA. A small percentage are invested in having a good time at retreats, conventions and holidays with members of the cliques that have appointed themselves the governing body of NA. All these behaviors are very much like using and require promotion.

Help Others, not Self Help

“Meet regularly to help each other” (Basic text, 2^nd Edition, ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program’, Pg 7), has become the Program of Narcotics Anonymous for me. I believe the purist form of recovery is only found in a home group. I learned recovery skills by attraction, not promotion. The difficulty today is understanding the other person’s perspective and I can only do that by connecting with home group members in service, working with newcomers and continuing to attend meetings regularly. I love my life today and have found myself “enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.” (Basic text, 2^nd Edition, ‘Recovery and Relapse’, Pg 71) I am not the judge of what is attractive to others, but my life is amazing and by enjoying my recovery and being a part of society, I have a greater impact on the future of Narcotics Anonymous.

The Price of Complacency

What is Complacency?

Complacency is used seven times in the Gray Book of Narcotics Anonymous. In the Fifth Edition of the Basic Text (Published by the NAWS Corporation), the word is used five times, and ‘complacent’ is used twice. The literature in Narcotics Anonymous alludes to the dangers of complacency but never clearly defines the meaning. I associated complacency with being lazy until I researched this article. A sponsor of mine pointed out the importance of a good dictionary and how I should not make assumptions about the meaning of words.

Complacency – noun. a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements.

Complacent – adjective. pleased, especially with oneself or one’s merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied.
Oxford Languages. Oxford University Press.

As I approach my twenty-first-year celebration of recovery in Narcotics Anonymous and I cannot help but notice how complacent I can become. ‘Complacency is the enemy of members with substantial clean time’ is a quote from the Narcotics Anonymous literature. The following quote was even more significant for me.

Complacency does not go with recovery. The deadly and insidious nature of our disease can disguise itself as boredom or superiority and generate the old “apart from” feelings. Separation from the atmosphere of recovery and the spirit of service to others slows our spiritual growth and can threaten relapse. This book is not the final answer to addiction. The Spirit of our Fellowship is constantly leading us into new awareness. Recovery is a journey, not a goal.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Chapter 10, “More Will Be Revealed”

Clean Time Complacency

My disease is the disease of isolation. Addiction has wide, deep roots and vigilance is required. Nothing seems to isolate me more than a feeling of superiority. Today I can find myself seeking relationships that mimic unity but really are a cloak that can obscure my vision and blind me to reality. I surround myself with like-minded people and avoid the conflict that true unity provides. People with clean time greet others with time and sit together at meetings. We admire each other’s lifestyles and I see my recovery as attractive to newcomers.

Hubris and Oppression

Hubris is when I develop a sense of excessive pride, and self-importance. Oppression is a burden I place on others to conform. My disease tells me I have accomplished something by staying clean and I begin to deny the miracle. The literature says we meet regularly to ‘help each other’ but addiction offers ‘helping myself’. A little recovery has been good for me, so a lot of recovery becomes a drug. Tradition three says the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. The desire to stop using ends for some members when they are clean. I find it very easy to return to using. My defects and shortcomings become a distraction. Gatherings of members become a smorgasbord of distractions. You can spend weekends traveling to conventions, listening to powerful speakers. Members gather and dine together, plan outings or vacations, talking about how fortunate they are. A select few newcomers are invited into the cliques if they pair well or contribute to the complacent atmosphere in some meaningful way. The disease of addiction will always find a way to create isolation. We stop acknowledging the miracle and I start promoting my new way of life. Gratitude becomes hubris and unity becomes oppression.

Common Welfare ahead of Personal Recovery

Tradition One of Narcotics Anonymous says that ‘Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on unity’. My complacency comes with a price. I sell my responsibilities and always spend the proceeds selfishly. Complacency offers judgement rather than inventory when my needs are ahead of the common welfare of the group. Other members step up and attend business meetings for the home group so I do not. I accept the lies that my voice is not needed, or that those members who do attend are doing a fine job. Addiction might suggest that Home Group business meetings are so toxic that I have no voice or I simply lose interest out of bordom.

Our Primary Purpose

The Twelfth Step of our personal program also says that we should carry the message to the addict who still suffers. This is no coincidence. Working with others is one of our most powerful tools. “The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is unparalleled.” For the newcomer this is how they find out about N.A. and how they stay clean; and for the members this reaffirms and clarifies what they have learned. The group is the most perfect vehicle we have for carrying the message to the addict who still suffers. When a member carries the message, he is somewhat bound by his interpretation and personality. The problem with literature is language; the feelings, the intensity, and the strengths are sometimes lost. In our groups, with all personalities, the message is a recurring theme; an underlying reality.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Tradition Five “Our primary purpose is to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.”

Service structures were once thought to be outside the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, but complacency changed that. These outside entities can become dominated by members so entrenched in complacency that healthy members cannot breathe. The same addicts return month after month, and year after year never considering that they are the source of the problem. A pitiful minority of members support the World Service Conference, and the NAWS Corporation. Literature prices have become so inflated and support the complacency of those members addicted to manipulation, control, and prestige. Addicts who are actively using have no choice but to continue to use until they have a desire to stop. Such is the nature of the disease. Ultimately the anonymity of the individual and the Group is what carries the message when the primary purpose is put ahead of personal recovery.

The Grace of God

God

The concept of God is a difficult hurdle for many people who come to twelve step programs. Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual organization and the literature refers to the word God. In AA, they expanded the concept by offering a ‘God of your understanding’ and most twelve step programs have adopted that concept for themselves. Narcotics Anonymous literature refers to a ‘Higher Power’. I believe that regardless of what beliefs you arrive with, you will need to come to terms with the idea of some power greater than yourself. My personal beliefs when I arrived at my first twelve step meeting was that God, spiritual beliefs, mysticism, and the whole concept of a spiritual existence was for weak minded people who needed a crutch. I did have some beliefs that I accepted as possible once I qualified my answers. I needed to have a lengthy explanation to justify my beliefs. I was willing to admit that some people might be psychic, and ghosts sounded plausible. When I was sarcastic, I would say that prayer was an excellent way to spend time until your plane impacts the side of a mountain. At the time, I wouldn’t say I was cynical but looking back I believed that God had never done anything for me, hadn’t been a factor in my life and wasn’t likely to appear any time soon. When I hit bottom, I did have an awakening to the idea that my life was wildly out of control, and I was a mess. I went to my first meeting, expecting nothing, with little hope, and perhaps open to the possibility of some relief. I didn’t expect to find help for someone like me. Even if God existed, there were many people who were more deserving of help. I had heard the words, “God’s Grace” but never really given it much thought.

Compassion

The ‘Grace of God’ is hard to define without the heavy religious overtones of our Christian based society. For this article, I will use the definition of Grace as unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. Both the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the original manuscript for the Basic Text used in Narcotics Anonymous referenced the Grace of God. The latest version of the Basic Text published by the NAWS Corporation still mentions God’s Grace in the ‘How It Works’ section; Step Eleven. It’s a touchy subject with many people but the concept of Grace from a higher power isn’t exclusive to Christianity. In Buddhism, they have the idea of a bodhisattva. This is a person who has achieved the capacity to obtain enlightenment and become a buddha, but in an act of great compassion chooses to remain in this realm and work to end the suffering of the masses – the act itself is Grace. Hinduism refers to Kripa and Hellenism (Greek mysticism) refers to Kharis. Grace is what I was offered when I arrived at the rooms, what I learned in doing the steps, and what I try and extend to all. IF you are uncomfortable with the idea of a God then think of Grace as nothing more than compassion offered regardless of the situation. Think of how the world would be if compassion was at the front of each passing moment.

Eighty-Four Days

The most powerful story I have ever read in recovery was titled Eighty-Four Days. It was published in the Iranian Narcotics Anonymous journal called Payam Behboodi. It’s a letter from a prisoner in jail about his gratitude for eighty-four days clean and how we as recovering addicts should work together and help each other. His gratitude is also for the will of God. His death was by hanging the next morning as punishment for the crimes he had committed. I found a connection with the powerful message. I often feel as if I am in a self-imposed prison. My character defects and shortcomings have always prevented me from being a part of things. I am difficult to get to know, difficult to be around and have little interest in the world around me. My struggles are with Self, as is the case for many in recovery. Having done a set of steps I also know I have assets and have provided for my family for many years. I also contribute in many ways to society. I might never be rich or successful but I have always managed to provide for my family. I have much in my life to be grateful for. I go to meetings and listen to one speaker after another share about their gratitude for what recovery has given them. They talk about their support group, or their vacations and possessions as if those are important. My belief is that gratitude we share in recovery is reserved for our higher power, however you want to define that. The vacations, new cars or luxuries might be nothing more than self-obsession and ultimately, that is the core of the disease of addiction. My gratitude speaks with Grace that I extend to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and society at large. Ultimately, the gratitude that carries the strongest message is selfless service. I like to promote unity by working with anyone and including everyone. The Twelve Traditions we study in twelve step programs gave us the tools to ensure our focus is not on our personal relationships with our friends but with all of society. I believe that gratitude grows as our Grace grows. The Grace of God isn’t easy, it is a desperate hand extended to another off a ledge that they find themselves hanging from. The key to Grace is the ‘unmerited’ aspect, the courtesy I extend beyond what I feel is warranted or deserved. It is a part of what makes my service so valuable. Grace is the action of gratitude.

A Bigger Picture

How well your twelve step support group functions, and the service structures they create to support the groups comes from the Grace of God in my belief. It’s very easy to fall into cliques and form micro groups of support around common interests or beliefs, and exclude those we disapprove of. The twelve-step group is the core of my recovery. The relationships I form within my group, and how I treat others IS the basis of my recovery. It’s from these relationships that I can provide Grace to others. The gratitude that comes from that connection with my higher power is the only gratitude that matters in recovery. We are selling a new way of life that costs everything and nothing. Gratitude for what I have achieved in my recovery is not a magical elixir I can bottle and transfer to another. Friendships, lifestyle and a dizzying array of choices await many of us as we get clean but it’s all meaningless to someone who’s new or someone who is on the verge of dying. When my journey started, I was attracted to the message and the feeling of be a part of something. What I keep for myself when I share my recovery is true gratitude and a belief in the process.

There is a gratitude that arises from my relationship with the God of my understanding, who guides me and gives me strength. It might be the only gratitude some members will ever achieve. My support group do a daily group text by cellphone of 5 things we are grateful for and it has been a difficult process for me. I really want to focus on all the things that I am grateful for like relationships, sunny days and the smell of rain. I have come to accept that in turning my life and my will over to God in Step Three, I need to focus on my gratitude for my higher power’s will for me, and the strength that comes to me. Compassion for another is a gift for myself and does more to restore my own worth than anything I could acquire on my own.

Disunity

Defects and Shortcomings.

I lacked a lot of self-awareness when I came to Narcotics Anonymous in 2002. I had a general sense of being less than, and I had behaved in ways that lowered my self-esteem. I felt some sort of deep sense of resentment for what I thought I was owed. Some of the dark moments of my life played over and over in my mind. Despite all this evidence that I was less than, I tried to focus on what I deserved, and that was a long list. My list of entitlements was enormous. Every time I failed to get what I deserved; it was evidence that I was less than others. Life was a series of disappointments and drugs dulled the pain of living. Once I joined the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, things started to change. Feelings were no longer hidden under the cloud of drug use. I grappled with understanding feelings and learned new ways of processing them. What I learned came from other members who were going through similar experiences. A burden shared is a burden halved became my new reality, which encouraged me to connect with others. A joy shared is doubled, which has always struck me as odd but true. This confirmed to me the idea of sharing our experiences, strengths and hopes. By connecting with other members, our burdens are halved, and our joys are doubled. There were other aspects of recovery that I struggled with. Sometimes I found getting myself caught up in the endless arguments about how the program works. One example was the use of the terms, defects and shortcomings from Step Six and Step Seven of the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. This has been a constant source of disunity. I thought we had to agree on all these things to be a fellowship.

The Foundation of My Recovery

Connecting with other members became a foundation for my recovery. There are so many different personalities that connections were challenging. It was suggested to look at the similarities and that helped. Unfortunately, the differences are so glaring obvious and in my face that it was difficult to ignore. I did try and build relationships based on the similarities. I was passionate about helping and being of service. I like to meet for coffee and talk nonsense about nothing. I did not have a sense of who I was so what other people were doing was sometimes interesting and being included was powerful. The longer I remain in the Fellowship the less willing I am to take part in some discussions or activities. That discomfort is a rich source of information about my personality and I inventory my reservations, defects and shortcomings regularly.

Reservations

I was taught that reservations about my recovery are the things I put between myself and my higher power’s will. Reservations are about the choices I make. It was uncomfortable crying in front of people at first. I avoided crying because I was taught that crying was weakness. I did find acceptance and I gladly weep today. My life is deeply satisfying today, and I avoid the endless drama and cliques that form. I have a lot of reservations about the benefits of cliques and toxic relationships, so I tend to isolate myself. This causes me to not be apart and isolation is like a drug. The reservations I want to hold on to today feel a lot like using drugs. I want to continue in this program I need to stop using. I work on not isolating myself.

Defects of Character

My defects of character I live with are about my personality. Patience and understanding allow me to start to see my defects clearly. Today I have a sense of those defects and with the help of my Higher Power, I can put aside those defects and work with others. My anger, shame, control, and other aspects of my personality no longer govern my behaviors but the feelings sometimes persist. I have contempt for other people and maintain healthy boundaries. My contempt is the source of my self-loathing. With the help of a higher power, I can put aside my contempt and work with others. I have begun to lose the desire to use my contempt.

Shortcomings

I was taught that shortcomings are where I come up short and they are the actions of my defects. Recovery for me today is about learning a new way to live. It takes practice to apply the principles in my life and I make mistakes. I wrestle with my reservations still, and I do not always see my defects clearly. The actions I take to express my gratitude for the life I live today are critical to my success. My actions can also cause me to treat others poorly or react to situations that cause more harm than good. The actions of my shortcomings is the source of my amends.

Unity

I take responsibility for my recovery today. I stay in the Fellowship and strive to be a part of. I believe that the wider the base, the higher the point of freedom for myself and others. I seek out other addicts who want to practice principles and carry a message to the suffering addicts. I appreciate that some addicts see reservations, defects and shortcomings differently and that is ok with me. I have no need to try and promote my ideas about the program. I respect other peoples’ right to have an opinion and arrive at their own solutions. In a program of attraction rather than promotion, different opinions contribute to our growth. Adversity is healthy and learning to disagree promotes healthy relationships.

The Four Absolutes

Before Narcotics Anonymous was Alcoholics Anonymous. And before that was the Oxford Group who developed the ideas that became the foundation of the Twelve Step Program. The Oxford Group used ‘The Four Absolutes’ to define the spiritual direction of the Fellowship.

What are the Absolutes?

Purity

This asks the question. Is it right or is it wrong? I think we know….But practising the right decision is not as straightforward. Our fears can play a part in our decision making….even more so with the alcoholic.

Honesty

During our active addiction honesty can become a foreign concept and the ramifications of that dishonesty contributed to our sickness. We were unable to accept the dishonesty and the shame that accompanied it.

Unselfishness

We had become accustomed to putting ourselves (and our addiction) first. The final tenet of the Oxford group was ‘ continued work with others in need’ and this became the 12th step and the backbone of long term sobriety.

Love

This was a foreign concept to many of us in our addiction. Love had always been a trade-off. What do I get out of loving someone? Love is not a decision.

The Absolutes provide a decision-making formula that keeps my spirituality in check.
https://www.caminorecovery.com/blog/the-four-absolutes-a-beginners-guide-to-spirituality/#:~:text=The%20Four%20Absolutes%20can%20be,the%20early%2020th%20century.

The opposite of unity is oppression. When I promote my ideas about how things work or why we do certain things, I become a weapon of disease. Tradition One says our common welfare should come first and personal recovery depends on unity. I believe that disunity is the ultimate weapon of the disease of addiction. Some of our literature refers to the Grace of God as the reason I am clean. Others arrive at their own understanding of the miracle of recovery. Regardless of our path to this day clean, working together is our strength. Nothing is gained from promoting a certain idea or belief. I do find myself at odds with the Fellowship sometimes. I love to print and distribute meeting lists. I have been shunned and isolated for the practices I maintain for my recovery. It has taken a lot of work to get comfortable with the loneliness.

The Basic Text says, “Our spiritual condition is the basis for a successful recovery that offers unlimited growth.” There is nothing about ‘me’ in that statement. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions. I believe that anonymity is about personal sacrifice. I uphold spiritual principles as I understand them today. I am comfortable with adversity and draw strength from my higher power. I accept you as you are, not as I wish you would be.

What a Fellowship!

Fellowship

At almost every meeting I have ever attended I hear a reading called ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program’ I feel like I’ve memorized some of the readings after hearing them so often. Early in my recovery, I thought I would get tired of hearing them. I understand now that we read them not just for me, but for people who are new. Sometimes I find a particular phrase from a reading is relevant to my life today. Recently, I heard the word Fellowship and I wondered what the word meant. Years ago, my sponsor had encouraged me to look up words in the dictionary rather than assume I understood the meaning. I’m surprised at how ignorant I am of the meaning of some words. This is my favorite use of ‘Fellowship’.

Narcotics Anonymous is a non-profit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean.
Narcotics Anonymous, Little White Book, published 1966.

Recovered Addict

The literature sold today by the NAWS Corporation says ‘recovering’ instead of recovered. I prefer the older version that uses the word recovered. It doesn’t mean that I’m no longer an addict or that I’m better than anyone else. I found the idea of being recovered is about how I direct my actions and thoughts today. I like the word recovered and today I feel very much at peace with who I am and my place in the world. I know from the literature that ‘Dishonesty and self-deception’ can prevent me from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. I remain vigilant about my honesty but it can be difficult some times. Self-deception seems to be much easier to spot when I am humble and invite people into my life. Narcotics Anonymous literature says that the wider the base, the higher the point of freedom. I believe the freedom the Fellowship offers is from my own self-obsession. Ultimately the primary purpose of Narcotics Anonymous is to carry a message and that ensures my recovery is strong.

Early in my recovery I sought relationships in the true drug addict fashion by forcing myself into members’ lives. A using addict attracts addicts who are using and that was the case with many so-called friends. I have learned that not everyone continues to have a desire to stop using after they quit drugs. There are addicts in the Fellowship who continue to use. I learned about this when I was fourteen years clean and it resolved many deeply personal issues for me. The disease goes much deeper than the use of drugs and those experiences have helped me a great deal. The people in my life today offer an attractive lifestyle that invites me to be humble. The early days in recovery opened my mind to what kind of Fellowship is possible. What exactly does ‘Fellowship’ mean?

A Friendly Relationship Based in Traditions

My personal recovery depends on NA Unity. The unity of the NA Fellowship has saved my life many times over the years I have been clean. True friends continue to be a source of joy but my relationships are not always with friends.

Britannica Dictionary definition of FELLOWSHIP

[noncount] : a friendly relationship among people

People came to the community dinner to share good food and good fellowship. [=company, companionship]

[noncount] : the relationship of people who share interests or feelings

traditions that bind us together in fellowship

[count] : a group of people who have similar interests

The Britannica Group Online Dictionary

Working with Other Addicts

Being a recovered addict means I can put all my energies into helping others. Ongoing awareness of my defects and the actions of those defects expressed in my shortcomings helps to keep me humble. When someone is recovering, I am sympathetic to their situation because I have been there myself and will be again. An early sponsor warned me that the most natural thing for an addict to do is use.

Some members are self-seekers and consumed with their own needs. Living clean can become a series of joyful events without much thought for the needs of others. I went through a lot of emotions when I understood how jealous I was and consumed with hatred for the self-seekers. When I finally was able to let go and see how I was powerless over others, I found acceptance and my own joy. Taking responsibility for my own happiness was critical to my recovery.

Members who are dishonest are difficult for me to deal with. I have finally learned that my contempt for others triggers self-loathing so I try and move past addicts who lie. I also struggle with members ignorant of their own self-deception. Self-deception is a form of lying but lacks awareness of the actions. I find that I am eager to believe the lies of another when it suits my own needs. I have believed many lies over the years because it suited my needs. My associations with other addicts can become exclusive rather than inclusive so I can become comfortable in the lies. My anonymity is lost as my personality takes over. Toxic cliques form and the Fellowship suffers.

There are endless possibilities as opinions and personalities all come together in the Narcotics Anonymous Groups when decisions are made. I like to see the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous as a plural, not singular noun. A struggling group might suffer from egos or perhaps I am the ego that prevents the group from growing. Each group is tasked with the primary purpose of carrying the message. The success of a Group’s efforts grows our Fellowship even if a newcomer joins another group. Each group survives based on the ‘group conscience’.

What is a ‘group conscience’?

“Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps,” Narcotics Anonymous’ Twelfth Step says, “we tried… to practice these principles in all our affairs.” When we collectively apply the insight received from that spiritual awakening to our group’s problems, we call that group conscience. Common sense, open minds, calm discussion, accurate information, mutual respect, and healthy personal recovery enables a group to deal effectively with almost anything that comes its way.”
Narcotics Anonymous, The Group booklet, page 11, Copyright © 1997

I like when the groups I have been a member of try to support the application of the Twelve Traditions as best they can. A group in a prison might not be able to pay rent, but maybe they can print and distribute Narcotics Anonymous literature or mop and clean the meeting space to be self supporting. How the Traditions are applied can affect my participation in a group, and changing groups is always an option.

Each group bears the responsibility of governing itself but can utilize service bodies to work with other groups to combine their efforts. Narcotics Anonymous is full of evidence of this. A very cheap and widely distributed Basic Text in Brazil became a very expensive and produced in small numbers when the NAWS Corporation imposed their copyrights on the distribution. Now the profits of that effort benefit a few members rather than the efforts of the groups to carry the message.

Tradition Four says that “Each Group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting other Groups, or N.A., as a whole.” My understanding of this is that each Group bears the responsibility of considering other Groups or NA, as a whole in their decision-making process. This ensures that the Group is truly autonomous.

Tradition Nine says that ‘N.A., as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.’ Service bodies bear the weight of responsibility to the groups they serve. Tradition Seven says that The Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous may never be organized, but what service body could function without structure and form? Groups are accountable to the collective spiritual awareness of the members who meet regularly.

The Narcotics Anonymous Literature Says

“We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.”
Narcotics Anonymous Grey Book, Chapter 4, ‘How it Works’

When I arrived at Narcotics Anonymous I slowly came to believe that self-obsession is the core of the disease. It was evident in every aspect of my life. I am easily distracted from recovery back to self-obsession. The Fellowship of a group opened my mind to the possibilities of a life without using. I no longer see growth as something I choose for myself, but have accepted that growth of Fellowship is the greatest weapon against the disease of addiction. The greatest weapon against self-obsession is ‘enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society’ (Narcotics Anonymous Literature quote). The tools that I learned in the Fellowship of a Narcotics Anonymous group made the life I live today a possibility.

The Inventory

Step Four, A Fearless and Moral Inventory.

A valuable tool for addicts who choose to participate in Narcotics Anonymous is the personal inventory. I found out It is also one of the most destructive tools in recovery when used incorrectly. Many addicts attend meetings regularly, find a sponsor and work through the steps. Some members use a process of questions and discussions to complete the steps that have been passed on for decades from sponsor to sponsee. The NAWS Corporation has produced a step working guide that is for sale at many meetings and is popular with new members of the Fellowship. I wanted to share my experiences with a Step Four inventory. I have completed three inventories and two sets of steps since I came to the Fellowship in 2002.

Treatment and Rehab

A lot of members start the steps in treatment centers. Treatment centers are not part of Narcotics Anonymous and have adapted parts of the Twelve Step program to suit their needs. Most use a system called the ‘Minnesota Model’ based on professionals interpreting the twelve step process. I often hear from members that NA is aftercare while in treatment and if they keep attending. I needed an understanding of the spiritual principles learned in the Steps to work with others in a home group focused on the Twelve Traditions. The greatest benefit to me personally is the application of the Twelve Traditions in my group. Some treatment center clients will abandon the Twelve Step process after they have completed Step Five, where they share the personal inventory with another individual. The inventory is not a scalpel where you dissect yourself for improvement. The rooms of Narcotics Anonymous are full of treatment center victims. This endless cycle of abuse continues when they relapse and go back to treatment, then start another set of Steps. Some look at recovery in Narcotics Anonymous as a self-help program. Self-obsession is the core of the disease, and Step Four should treat the disease, not add to it. Members can be court ordered to attend meetings and have no interest in participating fully. Some will take advantage of all the government sponsored programs developed to help them recover. Those who work in the treatment industry, policy makers, the courts and law enforcement experience the worst results of what they see as the Narcotics Anonymous program. The greatest benefit for professionals to fully understand and experience what recovery in Narcotics Anonymous looks like is in our unity, not our personalities.

What I found in the Steps

I never believed the steps were intended to make me a better person but simply to gain understanding of who I am. The simple act of living a drug free lifestyle will improve many addicts’ lives. In Narcotics Anonymous we can find new ways of using that do not involve drugs. The Tenth Step is an inventory of our commitment to Narcotics Anonymous. Some of my most destructive traits took years to unlock and expose to the light.

By the same token we have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Narcotics Anonymous, IP No. 6 “Recovery and Relapse”, The White Book, and Any version of the Basic Text

How can my dishonesty and self-deception manifest itself in daily living? This can be difficult to diagnose alone. I have always found it important to have a sponsor and a group I attend regularly. I was taught to find a home group and participate fully in the efforts of the group. I have always sought a few members I felt I could trust. What part does Narcotics Anonymous play in the process?

N.A. is a non-profit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs.

[Basic Text, Grey Book, Chapter two, “What is N.A.”]

Recovering and Recovered

I believe that we were ‘recovered’ addicts when we help others, and ‘recovering’ when we tell others what we want to do about our problems and how they can help. We forge bonds of unity by working together. I use this simple idea of recovering and recovered. It is how I keep myself from using drugs, defects, and shortcomings to support my addiction. Narcotics Anonymous is a safe place regardless of clean time or intentions beyond a simple desire to stop using. Some members struggle with active addiction for a while or taper off from drug replacement therapies like suboxone or methadone. Members can remain abstinent but struggle with defects or are simply self-seekers who have lost the desire to stop using. I was taught that the program begins as I work the steps completely abstinent. My experiences in completing the steps mimic what the basic text says.

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

[Narcotics Anonymous, Step 12]

From my observations, practicing these principles in all our affairs is a struggle. In some cases, principles are completely abandoned. Today I feel clear in my mind and surrounded by love. I try to stay connected but maintain healthy boundaries with a vibrant Fellowship.

Those in Service to Narcotics Anonymous

Bob Stone was the first executive director of the World Service Office for Narcotics Anonymous. He was not an addict. The World Service Office would morph into the NAWS corporation. He remarked in his book (“My Years With Narcotics Anonymous”, Originally published and copyrighted in 1997 by Hulon Pendleton Publishing L.L.C.) at how petty members with significant clean time were, but his experience was with a small segment of the Fellowship. Those members were trying to govern a rapidly growing fellowship in the 1980s and early 1990s. Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual movement and grows organically every day in many parts of the world without the need to be managed. I believe members acted dishonestly or allowed self-deception to influence changes in our fellowship that had a far-reaching impact. Growth halted quickly in North America. The solution for them was to make service structures and events part of NA. Events are a growing part of funding those in power and can provide a soapbox for the worst examples of our disease. The groups had already approved the original literature which referred to anything outside a group as not a part of NA and emphasized the importance of no governance.

A Small World Emerges

With the literature changes, members who have never fully recovered can built entire lives inside the fellowship by filling their time with events and service work. Today members use terms like event-based recovery or service-based recovery in a derogatory fashion to describe these behaviors. At work or in your personal life you might never experience the prestige of being a Convention Speaker, Distinguished Service Member and/or authority on all things pertaining to Narcotics Anonymous.

Rather than inventory themselves or their service efforts, members use the inventory process as a weapon to drive away others. Service bodies should be fully accountable to and supported financially by the groups. Some service structures do function remarkably well. I feel like it is related to the strength of the unity of those groups who participate fully without the need to inventory each other. Look and see for yourself the effectiveness of service structures when they are accountable to the groups. Social media and virtual NA has opened the window to healthy fellowships around the world. I love the strength of my program today and the people who participate daily in my life.

Our strength is Our Diversity

All members should be freely participate in NA as equals regardless of their place in the journey to complete recovery. The personal inventory I took laid the foundation for the rest of the work I did in completing the steps and applying the traditions. The daily practice of applying spiritual principles in all my affairs continues. When I struggle with this practice, I ask for help from other members in the group I’m a member of or people in my circle. New people and a growing fellowship strengthen my recovery and offer me more freedom with each passing day. The diversity of the group gives me the opportunity to apply the traditions in my life and further strengthens my practice of applying spiritual principles. Groups grow and new groups form. The stigma of being an addict is no longer a barrier. I can fully contribute to society and participate in all the world has to offer. The greatest freedom is from self-obsession as I remain vigilant in carrying a message to the still suffering addict. For me, the greatest gift has been informing the public about Narcotics Anonymous by distributing meeting lists and developing websites.

Does your Doctor know?

Adapting to Change

I was committed to trying out the Narcotics Anonymous program and attending meetings after I hit bottom. Treatment was not an option I could afford. Talking with other addicts become comfortable the more I attended. What we talked about was starting to make sense and I did feel a sense of camaraderie with some members. I could talk about some of the challenges I was faced with in a safe place. I found many members could relate to what I was experiencing. Some would share their experiences and I learned from them. I found strength to continue and hope for a new way of living. Narcotics Anonymous was a safe place but I still had to deal with life outside of the meetings. I worked full-time, I was married and I had children. There was a lot of interaction with people outside the program. Many of my immediate circle cared about me and I tried to be honest about what I was doing. I talked with my doctor, but little help was available other than medication and psychiatrists.

Outside of the meetings I was dealing with the consequences of my addiction and trying to maintain a life worth living. Some of my behaviors were becoming uncomfortable. For the first time I started to see how I loved to swim in a sea of resentments. Everyone and every single situation I had experienced in my life was tainted with resentment. At a meeting, someone shared that resentments were like ‘drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die’. This caused me weeks of struggle as I had to examine every aspect of my life and my thinking. I had an enormous sense of entitlement.

There were a lot of new ideas and new ways of living to explore. I was grateful to have other addicts to talk to. I found I was drawn to people who were similar in nature. There was a certain comfort in being part of a clique. The most uncomfortable conversations were with someone outside the Fellowship. Narcotics Anonymous became a big part of my life and I was anxious about people outside the Fellowship.

Honest Conversations

Early recovery involved commitments with a therapist, an addiction counsellor, friends, and family to talk openly about where I was at and what was going on. Being honest was difficult when you do not know the truth, and if you have lived a life of lies and misconceptions. I found myself lying for no other reason than it was more comfortable than telling the truth. I found my favorite conversations are often with professionals, like doctors and therapists. Some seem to have found a good balance between genuine concerns and vague indifferences to my problems. I tried to be honest about life in NA and shared about the many benefits. I started to enjoy talking with professionals in healthcare, and people interested in recovery. My support group in NA grew as well.

Carrying the Message

I worked the steps, and I found a place in my heart where I could talk comfortably with a higher power. Having a conversation with the God of my understanding allowed me to see how self-obsessed I was. My early conversations were about my needs, my frustrations, and my desires. As I continued to work the steps I found I was part of a larger community and everything was not about me. My life had become stable and I recognized daily that my needs were being met. I tried to get involved in the Fellowship and carrying the message to other addicts. It was challenging and exciting to work with other addicts. The work in applying principles started to benefit all aspects of my life. I found myself wanting to have better relationships with anyone I encountered. My conversations with my higher power changed and I sensed a growing desire to put aside self-obsessive thinking.

The Opposite of Using is Gratitude

A big moment happened about 7 years ago. I found a new doctor who was trained in the United Kingdom. My doctor loves Narcotics Anonymous and had very positive things to say about the fellowship. In the UK, Narcotics Anonymous does presentations to universities where doctors are trained. Whenever possible, I try and get him meeting lists to give to his patients. The conversations I had with people outside the fellowship were changing as well. The Narcotics Anonymous literature says about some of our members;

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

My experiences reflected this. It can be very difficult to work with some Narcotics Anonymous service bodies. Strong personalities often overshadow principles. The Narcotics Anonymous literature warns members about this. Despite the warning, local service often ignore how they can be a detriment to my recovery. I have found a benefit to including other parts of society within my recovery. I am no longer surprised to see how many members continue to use. Over the years I have come to see how I have ‘used’ the NA fellowship and the relationships I formed were often fake. Using addicts attract addicts who are using. The ongoing struggles to fill service positions has as much to do with the attitudes of those involved as those who seek to be of service. Stepping away and forming healthy boundaries have helped me immensely.

Complete recovery and acceptance within society

The quality of my relationships has dramatically improved with honest conversations. Honest conversations are the best weapon against self-deception. I love the idea of complete recovery and acceptance within society. Today, complete recovery means I am free to express my gratitude. I believe that the opposite of using is gratitude. Gratitude is truly an action word as I seek to give back rather than use. Gratitude allows me to see the abundance I have and freely give back to society. Complete recovery means I am no longer using but have become useful. I am no longer isolated and have found acceptance within society. When I am talking with new members of Narcotics Anonymous I ask questions like; ‘Does your doctor know?’ or ‘Does your doctor have meeting lists?’ You might be the only contact someone has with Narcotics Anonymous today so choose your words and actions wisely. The literature says ‘We can only keep what we have by giving it away’. Giving back has been the foundation of my recovery.

Reservations and Relapse

Narcotics Anonymous talks about relapse in the literature. Relapse is not always about drugs. An early draft of the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous included this phrase.

In our daily lives, we are subject to emotional, environmental, intellectual, mental and spiritual relapses, causing us to become defenseless against the physical relapse of addiction.

Line numbered Grey Book, Review Copy, Printed February 1981, Memphis, Tenn., Page 125.

An approved version included this phrase;

In our daily lives we are subject to emotional and spiritual lapses, causing us to become defenseless against the physical relapse of drug use.

Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Line Numbered, Published 1982, Chapter 7, “Recovery and Relapse”, page 73

It was the experience of members who created our early literature. This shared experience of other members matched my experiences. Relapses has been a source of conflict for me in my recovery. I have been fortunate to not pick up drugs since I found Narcotics Anonymous, but I appreciate today that relapse can take many forms. I struggled with internal conflict. I flipped back and forth between contempt those who were not able to maintain their abstinence and self-loathing for my own lapses in behaviors. For years I quietly judged those who relapsed. Over time I came to appreciate addicts who kept coming back but I struggled to find acceptance of my own lapses. I hear the gossip and have felt the results of toxic cliques sitting in judgement. I don’t see things that way anymore.

Narcotics Anonymous Literature States That We Do Recover

Narcotics Anonymous literature tells me that relapse is a sign of a reservation. A sponsor of mine told me that reservations are anything that I put between me and my Higher Power’s will. Understanding my Higher Power’s will can be a challenge by itself without even considering the reservations that I am willing to admit to. Self-obsession, which is the core of the disease of addiction fills me with a sense of entitlement. I find myself wanting to take credit for my continued abstinence. I convince myself that I am doing the right things. On the other end of the pendulum, my struggle to accept my lapses in behaviors causes me to spiral downward into a path of self-obsessed behaviors. My ego tries to protect me from humility.

We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other to stay clean.

Little White Book, 1966, Page 1

The original literature referred to recovering and recovered addicts. This was changed by the NAWS Corporation and later printings do not distinguish clearly between the two words. The literature today has gotten away from the differences by using ‘recovering addicts.’ There are other examples of ‘complete recovery’ that have not been edited in later versions.

Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Line numbered Grey Book, Review Copy, 1981, Chapter 7, ‘Recovery and Relapse, page 118.

Basic Text, 5th Edition, 1988, ‘Recovery and Relapse, Page 74

Complete Recovery

Members share that being clean is a miracle, and our literature talks about the ‘Grace of God’. There is something about the disease of addiction that causes me to deny that recovery is a gift. It can be terrifying to accept that the only reason I am clean is because of the benevolence of some higher power. My ego screams for acknowledgment. I try to convince myself that my efforts are somehow the reason I have been clean this long. I cry “I did everything right and I’m clean today because of it!” Secretly, I would deny the existence of a higher power in my life and avoid the responsibility that gift brings. I do not see complete recovery as a path to using drugs again. Complete recovery does not imply I am cured. I believe that complete recovery is simply a state of being where I am no longer using to change how I feel. I love hiking and often go but even hiking can become an obsession. If I surround myself with other addicts, our hiking endeavors could be a little clique where we maintain our lies and self-deception. I see today that it is important to understand the bigger picture.

Our Symbol

The outer circle denotes a universal and total program that has room within for all manifestations of the recovering and wholly recovered person.

Grey Book, 1981, Fellowship approved

The outer circle denotes a universal and total program that has room within it for all manifestations of the recovering person.

Basic Text, 5th Edition, 1988

These two lines, separated by 7 years highlight the division that we can create within our own fellowship. Members with decades of experience will take a stand on the inclusion or exclusion of the word recovered. Dividing points can create disunity. What has become important is that my personal recovery depends on NA unity; Tradition One.

Responsibility For My Recovery

When I can take responsibility for my recovery from the perspective of it being a gift, my perspective on the world changes. The decisions I make also change. I need to accept that I am worthy. That is hard because some days everything tells me that I am not worthy. I also see the reservations I hold differently as well. My reservations are no longer about my entitlement, but an acceptance of my higher power’s will. My world becomes larger when I stop seeing recovery as a personal accomplishment and more from a sense of community. Sacrifices that I make become easier because I am no longer plagued by self-obsession. My efforts in my recovery come from a place of abundance. My reservations fall away to ideas about unity and common welfare of others. I’m less directed by self and more directed by community. I am enough and I have enough.

Humility

Relapses in behaviors can be humbling and humility is the home of the recovered addict. Character defects and the accompanying actions, or shortcomings, are normal. I am not perfect. I might lapse in behaviors but with a desire to stop using, I can recover quickly. The awareness allows me to be a part of a community of other addicts. We meet regularly to help each other stay clean. That becomes part of my responsibility. I also take responsibility for the atmosphere of recovery found in the meetings I attend and the home group I support. It matters less and less with each passing day what circumstances I find in my life. Life brings many challenges but together with the support of a Fellowship, I can endure any hardship or share the abundance of any gift. Like a marathon runner, I can move between recovered and recovering. It has to do with my intentions, or perhaps a better perspective is that it is the intentions of my higher power. Some members get clean and enjoy all that life has to offer. They never completely recover. There are many distractions within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous that prevent me from “enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.” It is easy to hide in our cliques and avoid the acceptance of society. I cannot allow my gratitude for my life to cloud my responsibilities to a greater good. I can choose to be of service by working with others, carrying a message into the community, and carrying a message to the suffering addicts in and out of the rooms.