Tag: addiction

Anonymity, Autonomy and a Place to Call Home.

Home Sweet Home

My Narcotics Anonymous Home Group is thriving. That isn’t just my opinion. Visitors and regulars alike talk about the amazing atmosphere of recovery.  We are doing more than a dozen meetings per week. We have a steady stream of newcomers, regulars and visitors. Our website attracts between one hundred and three hundred visitors per day. The freedom I have experienced in my life is unparalleled and I attribute that to the wide and diverse base of members. I have never experienced such joy.  I would say I have the perfect home group. I know we must have problems, but I am unsure of what they are. Each time I try to define one, a discussion with other members suggests otherwise. It is perplexing at the very least. I find it difficult to let go of my preconceived notions.

Our Literature reminds us that defects can drive us into a corner that we can’t come out of Clean. Fear, guilt and resentment often causes our motives to have motives. These defects of character can cloud our thinking and decisions. The disease of addiction often manifests its self – obsession and fantasy. What we really need is Spiritual Principles, which is the opposite of that. Spirituality is often described in Narcotics Anonymous, as having the Right Relationship with Reality.

Narcotics Anonymous, Grey Book Reflections, August 30th daily reading.

The worst manifestation of my disease today is manipulation and control. I believe I have found a solution.  

A Commitment to Service

Narcotics Anonymous literature says that we meet regularly to help each other. I have not found any rules or a framework that establishes what that looks like. My understanding today is that NA is not a self-help program. Some meetings are full of self-seekers but attendance does not constitute recovery.  I maintain healthy boundaries. I believe that Fellowship is the sum of our contributions. What you contribute might not be clear to anyone else. My contributions have benefited my recovery.  I try to be honest with myself about how I contribute. I see that there is a difference between a recovering and recovered addict that can only be defined by my actions. I do my own inventory.

Sometimes the only reason I go to an NA meeting is because I am lonely and using NA is safer than using alone. Even these actions contribute to the Fellowship.  My home group is always grateful that I show up. I feel safe at my home group, and I realize that it is the unconditional love of that Fellowship that helps me. Contributing to that love rather than using it has benefited me tremendously. I find that helping others is unparalleled. The sum of the contributions is much greater than anything I could do alone.  Sometimes we do work alone and like many others, I have ideas that I think would benefit our Fellowship. Many others have ideas. Oppression opposes unity so I try and remain open-minded. I need to have a clear idea of what autonomy and anonymity mean.

Anonymity

We rarely talk about anonymity at my home group. Learning about the meaning seems to come from shared experiences and surrender to new ideas.

TRADITION TWELVE

“Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”

A dictionary definition of anonymity is “a state of bearing no name.” In keeping with this, the “I” becomes “we.” The spiritual foundation becomes more important than any one particular group or individual.

As we find ourselves growing closer together the awakening of humility occurs.

Narcotics Anonymous, 2nd Edition, Chapter 6, Tradition 12.

Step Eleven reminds us to ‘give thanks for God’s grace.’ I believe I am clean today by God’s grace, and the gratitude I express is in my actions. My actions should align with the spiritual principles I have learned.

By working together for our common welfare, we achieve the true spirit of anonymity.

 Narcotics Anonymous, 2nd Edition, Chapter 6, Tradition 12.

Common welfare and unity are tightly connected. My solutions to the problems of daily living become our solutions. When I tell you about my problems and how you can help, it opens the door to new ideas. When I work alone, in service to my home group, my actions should align with the principles of the group. I learn to be accountable, and I learn to communicate without fear of exposure. My survival is tied to the survival of the group.

Autonomy

Group autonomy is set forth in the Fourth Tradition of Narcotics Anonymous.

The autonomy of our groups is necessary for our survival. A dictionary defines autonomous as “having the right or power of self-government…undertaken or carried on without outside control.” This means our groups are self-governing and are not subject to outside control. Every group has had to stand and grow on its own.

One might ask, “Are we truly autonomous? What about our service committees, our offices, activities, and all the other things that go on in N.A.?” The answer is that these things are not N.A.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Chapter 6, Tradition 4

I used to believe that we came together regularly to hold a group conscience meeting. Members of the group were encouraged to attend and participate. I see things differently.  Our parking lot discussions are critical to our success. I talk regularly with home group members and share openly about the problems we experience.  Some members may never attend a business meeting but are able to fully participate in the direction of the group. When I am a servant of the group, the onus is on me to have a clear understanding of the needs of the group. Outside influences or my own opinions can become tools of oppression and cause disunity. I rely on the group to communicate. I try to act in the best interest of the common welfare of the group. My group continues to grow, and I have an idea for strengthening our ties.

Structure

The principles I have learned to apply from Narcotics Anonymous have given me tremendous abundance. I love to participate and work with others to benefit society. By working with others, I have experienced new ways of doing things. In British Columbia, Canada, you can form a member funded, non-profit society. I’m sure this is a common tool in other places.  Forming a society makes things like opening a bank account easier. Banking is becoming a challenge.  My home group has grown to a size where we might benefit from better financial tools.

Literature

Downloading literature for free is available on many websites even as the NAWS Corporation tries to prevent it. Support for the NAWS corporation has dwindled to a small minority of groups. Our group makes both current and historical literature available to anyone requesting an electronic copy.  Literature studies have strengthened our group. It would be easy for a non-profit society to create and sell literature at cost. Kindle ‘Print on Demand’ is relatively simple to set up. Some would prefer a physical book. A 2nd Edition Basic Text (first 10 chapters) would cost about seven dollars (USD), and a Grey Book Reflections about eleven dollars.

Moving forward

There is no other direction than to move forward. Some see a need to take on responsibilities and form a closer connection with the group. Each connection forged creates a stronger connection with reality. The Fellowship I experience daily strengthens my resolve to fully participate in the group. I know that any outside influence on my group is not NA, but everything needs to be considered and discussed with home group members. We forge ties that bind us together to strengthen our recovery and unite in service to the still suffering addict. The skills I learned, and the strength of the bonds, help me in forming relationships outside of NA. Just for today, I can enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society.

The Professional Addict

The Twelve Steps help members of Narcotics Anonymous take responsibility for their recovery and the Twelve Traditions ensure our efforts as members are directed towards mutual aid. Without the Twelve Traditions, our future as a Fellowship would be lost because the Traditions are ‘the ties that bind us together’. Is it a natural conclusion that if we became a ‘better’ fellowship, that would aid our cause? What would a ‘better’ fellowship look like? I imagine everyone would have an opinion about what could change to improve things. Thankfully, we have Tradition Eight to protect us.

Narcotics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

Narcotics Anonymous, Twelve Traditions

There are a lot of ways of defining professional. I like to think in terms of responsible, respectable and reliable. The combination of all three would summarize my idea of professional conduct or someone who is professional. The program says we are ‘simply addicts of equal status helping each other’.  It is easy to admire the professional. Often, I find myself admiring someone for their skills in social interactions, health, self-awareness or financial expertise. I have found myself envious or jealous of someone’s abilities that are lacking in myself. Any form of professionalism can be attractive. Members who maintain abstinence often act in a professional manner but there is a danger. Staying clean is a miracle and not an accomplishment. Step Eleven reminds members to ‘give thanks for God’s Grace’. A member who is clean is no better or worse than any other member regardless of how professional they appear. Clean time can be a shell game. Members pick based on where they think the marble is, but a good magician can make anything seem like reality. We are warned that strong personalities can take charge ahead of principles. There is a great danger in the professional addict.

The longer I am clean, the more I am inclined to put opinions ahead of experience. It is difficult to separate opinions from facts. I have seen members who are illiterate struggle to complete a reading, week after week. It is a beautiful experience to watch an entire group of addicts patiently give witness to the transformation of individuals as they progress in their recovery.  My brain says that the readings should be done clearly to best serve the group, but my heart sees more than my brain ever will. Professionalism leaves little room for God’s will and the wonderful language of empathy that can only come from the heart. Structures and rules better serve the Fellowship outside a Home Group, outside of Narcotics Anonymous and in our Service Centres. Tradition Eight allows me to be flexible in all my affairs at work and in my personal life. Tradition Eight is what allows my heart to do what is right rather than what my brain is thinking.

Narcotics Anonymous Suffrage

Many of us relate “suffrage” to the women’s rights movement and the abolition of slavery. There are two meanings of the word suffrage; One is the right to vote or participate. The other meaning is a short prayer (or petition) in favor of another person. Abolitionist organizations fought for the rights of women, equal rights and the end of slavery. Anti-abolitionists opposed change and fought to maintain the status quo.  Critics on both sides were vocal. The 1911 California Proposition 4 would allow women the right to vote in elections in the state. More than a million men were eligible to vote. Almost a quarter of a million men did vote, and the rights for women were won by the narrowest of margins.  Divisions are a normal part of society and so are those individuals who speak out. Narcotics Anonymous has experienced many divisions since the inception of the Fellowship in 1953. Dividing points are a natural and normal part of living. Learning to deal with division is fundamental to my recovery.

Group Conscience

The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous references the phrase “Group Conscience”.  A book titled ‘It Works How and Why’, published in 1993, offers what I think is the best definition of the phrase and how it works.

Group conscience can be thought of in much the same way as personal conscience. Group conscience reflects a collective awareness of, understanding of, and surrender to spiritual principles. The conscience of a group takes shape and is revealed when its members take the time to talk with each other about their personal needs, the needs of that group, and the needs of NA as a whole. Each member draws upon his or her relationship with a Higher Power when sharing with the group. As members listen carefully to each other and consult their personal understanding of a loving God, something happens: Solutions to problems become apparent, solutions that take into consideration the needs of everyone concerned. In developing a group conscience, a clear mutual understanding or consensus arises. Based upon the understanding gained by sharing group conscience, a group may move on to a vote in order to make decisions. In the best of circumstances, however, the group continues discussion until it reaches unanimity. The resulting solution may be so obvious that no vote is needed.

It Works How & Why. Published 1993, Tradition 2, Page 99

I find that communicating with others, connecting with the God of my own understanding and consider the needs of all of Narcotics Anonymous has given me skills that benefit all aspects of my life. Those skills allow me to enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society. I also need to accept that others see things differently from me. Being tolerant and compassionate are great skills to have in society. The idea of winning or losing is never spiritual.

Differences of Opinion

My home group signs verification papers for people who are court ordered to attend NA meetings. I have mixed feelings about this. We held a group conscience and voted in favor of signing. I do not feel so strongly that I need to leave the group and I fully support the group’s decision now despite my personal feelings. Other groups might see things differently and refuse to sign. That’s ok with me and their decision has no impact on my life.  My ability to put aside personal opinions helps me function in society. I can draw healthy boundaries. When asked by a newcomer, I try to understand both sides and offer an explanation without judgment.

Attraction and Promotion

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Tradition 11.

I try to live an honest life and share about that at meetings. Some may find something attractive that helps them. Promoting a way of life or belief can be dishonest and deceptive. Who am I trying to convince and why are questions I need to ask myself. Sometimes I find it difficult to distinguish between what is attraction and promotion. The Basic Text of NA says that some members remain abstinent but cannot enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society because of their dishonesty and self-deception. The Basic Text also says that there are self-seekers who only focus on their own needs. Everyone is welcome to attend Narcotics Anonymous. This blend of personalities is the collective vision of Narcotics Anonymous that a newcomer experiences.  I believe that diversity is our strength, and no single vision of recovery exists.

Principles and Personalities

The first edition of the Basic Text (Published in March of 1983) was altered prior to publication because of fear of what the book contained. Despite all the group consciences that approved of the writing, some members were unable to surrender to new ideas. The approved version was finally published as the Second Edition in July of 1983. This division within the Fellowship was created by fear. Manipulation and control are powerful drugs but I find I turn to them when I am afraid of change. I have lived with dishonesty until I surrendered. Some ideas require time to process before I accept them. I hold on to old ideas because they are comfortable and predictable. Sometimes I speak out about my fear or I try and promote fear so I am not alone.

In the early 1900’s, anti-abolitionists included individuals who were outspoken critics of change. Some held on to the belief in slavery or a woman’s inability to participate in society as equals to men. Strong personalities were present on both sides. Strong personalities exist in the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. Promulgators are people who proclaim rules or bring ideas into the public. Some of the ideas shared are fabrications and others are simply opinions. Those who promote falsehoods can become cult-like in their beliefs and behaviors. Fear is powerful and manipulation and control comes naturally to achieve a goal. Seeing both sides of an argument can be difficult for those who disagree and worse for those who do not understand. I often see people leave NA because of the divisions.

I like the Second Edition of the Basic Text. I believe that nothing outside of a home group can be called Narcotics Anonymous. Groups can choose whether to participate or support service bodies and events based on the Group’s conscience. The only authority I accept in NA rests with the group conscience. Somes members will create service boards or committees to put on events or accomplish tasks. It is confusing for me that they label them as Narcotics Anonymous.  The Basic Text says we have no fees, or dues, and no clean time requirements in Narcotics Anonymous. This is not always true with service efforts or events hosted by members of NA. I have a single vote on any issue that impacts Narcotics Anonymous in a home group. When I experience conflict within a group,  I have the freedom to join another home group, I can surrender or even start a new group.

I struggle with these lies presented as facts by members. A ‘global group conscience’ does not exist and would violate the Twelve Traditions but promulgators perpetuate the lie. There are many more lies shared. I ‘suffer the rage’ of hearing these lies at meetings. I also know that some perceive my opinions as lies. I do not like the divisions, but I remember that is a normal part of life on life’s terms. I can always choose to pray for another person, which is another aspect of suffrage. Prayer helps me find peace, surrender and acceptance. Participating in a home group gives me an opportunity to voice my opinions and hear from others. I try to share my experiences and not my opinions. When I focus on the  primary purpose of carrying a message to the still suffering addict, no divisions exist.

The Emancipation of Addicts

Many Alcoholics started experiencing new freedoms as Alcoholics Anonymous grew. The same was not true for addicts. The suffering of addicts seemed to be an inescapable cage. Some did attend AA meetings and a few found relief. Addicts who had found recovery believed that a new program might better suit the addicts who still suffered.  Narcotics Anonymous came from the creation of the first group in 1953. Those members believed that they could build on the success of Alcoholics Anonymous by adapting the AA Steps and Traditions.  There is a joke within Narcotics Anonymous that every new group started on a resentment. Members would disagree and leave to form new groups. Regardless of the reasons, new groups did and continue to form based on the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. There are tens of thousands of groups today.

Narcotics Anonymous Groups

Groups are the foundation of Narcotics Anonymous. Without groups, Narcotics Anonymous would not exist.  My early time attending NA was spent finding a home group that supported me, and I tried to support them. Joining a home group allowed me to develop intimate relationships. What worked for others was not always clear. Some addicts led very attractive and self-absorbed lives and others seemed to wear their defects like badges of honour. The literature says that there is no model for the recovering or recovered addict, depending on the NA literature you read.  

As members of an NA group, we have made a commitment to support one another in our recovery.  Our group’s commitment to become fully self-supporting reflects the group’s integrity, its faithfulness to its fundamental identity.  We support each other in recovery and, together, we fulfill our collective responsibilities as members of a self-supporting group.

Narcotics Anonymous, It Works How and Why, Tradition Seven, Spiritual Principles

Membership in a Fellowship

The literature says that anyone with a desire to stop using can be a member of Narcotics Anonymous. What constitutes membership is open to interpretation. Narcotics Anonymous literature warns of the ‘self-seekers’ and members who lack the honesty or self-awareness to enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society. Members who are clean can act on their addictions to people, places and things. I used to believe that members who fully participate in all that NA offers were role models. I no longer believe that.

I believe that manipulation and control is a powerful drug and that brings out the worst in people. I am careful with my words and actions because of this.  I am not a role model. I share my experiences, strengths and hopes. The disease of addiction is insidious and manifests in strange and unusual ways. I watch carefully and try to hold my opinions to myself. I always maintain healthy boundaries and rarely trust anyone. I take my own inventory.  My behaviors may constitute recovery to me but might appear as a manifestation of addiction to another.

We have found that most members who attend group meetings just aren’t interested in the “business” of N.A. As a result, a few dedicated members who are willing to do something for the group, usually have to do most of the work. It is at this point that the principle of the trusted servant comes into being. Although most addicts don’t want to help out with the work, they are at least willing to delegate this responsibility to someone else. This seems to be part of the nature of the addict.

Narcotics Anonymous, The Group Booklet, published 1976.

The Principle of the Trusted Servant

Prioritizing the needs of others, building trust, humility, empathy, listening and transparency are critical aspects of the trusted servant from my perspective. The combination is difficult to manage and requires a devotion to recovery that many might not seek. Some hear a call to serve. I have delegated my responsibilities to the care of others many times.

I have not found any solutions to the character defects that afflict me. No amount of time in recovery can lessen their impact when they are active. When I take on responsibilities, and I am entirely ready to have my Higher Power remove my defects, then I have started the process of working as a trusted servant. Complacency invites me to turn away from my responsibilities. Vigilance can bring out my ego, closing my mind to other ideas and new ways. Either way I am no longer serving, I have become entrenched in old behaviors and blind to the possibilities. My close relationships with others can be based on my defects and not spiritual principles.  I become enmeshed in cliques and cults then I lose sight of my responsibilities.  The greatest weapon in my recovery is the Home Group.

The Home Group

Our First Tradition concerns unity and our common welfare. One of the most important things about our new way of life is being a part of a group of addicts seeking recovery. Our survival is directly related to the survival of the group and of the Fellowship. To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous it is imperative that the group remain stable, or else the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Tradition One.

I often wondered how the fate of a single group could jeopardize the entire Fellowship. I see things differently now. When I think of Fellowship, I only concern myself with my home group members, other addicts I associate with, and my sponsor.  I keep my world small. I see Narcotics Anonymous growing in numbers of groups. That is enough for me. I focus on the application of spiritual principles in all my affairs and creating an atmosphere of recovery within my home group.  

Narcotics Anonymous only has a single promise, A life of freedom from active addiction. Once free, there is enormous pressure to conform to certain beliefs and ideals. These toxic groups can quickly become cult-like and form cliques. Freedom from the stigma of being an addict is my greatest achievement. I try to not conform to any ideas or beliefs. I can enjoy complete recovery and acceptance within society. I am no longer chained to my past behaviors and can explore new connections in and out of NA. Freedom comes with a price and that is the responsibilities. For me it starts with a Home Group and The Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I can think of no greater place for a suffering addict to be than at my Home Group and I hope you feel the same.

The Gift of Desperation

Studying Narcotics Anonymous literature is a fundamental tool for any addict seeking a solution to their disease.  NA has a long history of powerful literature, written and tested by addicts. ‘Our Symbol’ is one of the most beautiful pieces of literature that I have read.  First published in ‘The NA Tree’ in 1975, it was written by a founding member of Narcotics Anonymous and included in the first section of the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, published in 1981.    

Wholly or Fully Recovered

My favorite quote from ‘Our Symbol’ is – “the outer circle denotes a universal and total program that has room within for all manifestations of the recovering and wholly recovered person”.

Narcotics Anonymous, ‘Our Symbol’, First published in the NA Tree, 1975, Line 4.

In the Basic Text is another phrase that speaks about recovery – “We can never fully recover, no matter how long we stay clean”.

Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7 ‘Recovery and Relapse’

I wondered at the difference between a “fully recovered addict” and a “wholly recovered addict”. Research shows that “wholly” is preferred when you want to emphasize the total and complete nature of something without reservations. “Wholly” offers a dedication to a particular idea or action more so than “fully”.  

Last House on the Block

Narcotics Anonymous was the last house on the block for me. I felt uncomfortable in Alcoholics Anonymous, I could not afford treatment, and I did not see a path forward in the life that I was living. In N.A., I was willing to try anything, talk about everything and experience any feeling. I was desperate for a solution. My companions were other addicts who shared their experiences and offered their support. I believe the ‘gift of desperation’ equates to the “wholly recovered addict”. In contrast, “fully recovered” is an unreachable destination.  Wholly recovered is a state of being. I was wholly committed to whatever was asked of me despite my fears.

Goodwill is best exemplified in service and proper service is “Doing the right thing for the right reason.” When this supports and motivates both the individual and the Fellowship, we are fully whole and wholly free.

‘Our Symbol’, 1975, last two lines.

Today, recovery has become a convenience store of products with a lot more choices available to suffering addicts. Narcotics Anonymous has become a commodity. I hear addicts sharing at NA meetings that they are ‘committed to trying a particular treatment center again’, ‘working the steps in therapy this time’, and ‘making sure they get to that wonderful AA meeting on Tuesday nights’. I am confused by experiences of others today. Parking lot discussions seem to be about distractions from life on life’s terms.  There used to be discussions focused on NA, on our primary purpose.  I want to talk about our primary purpose and the application of spiritual principles daily in all my affairs.

On the bright side, today many N.A. members have long terms of complete abstinence and are better able to help the newcomer. Their attitude, based in the spiritual values of our Steps and Traditions, is the dynamic force bringing increase and unity to our program. Now we know that the time has come when that tired old lie, “Once an addict always an addict,” will no longer be tolerated by either society or the addict himself. We do recover.

Narcotics Anonymous Little White Book, published in 1966

Desperation

The idea of “‘wholly recovered” was removed from our literature by the publishers.  I no longer feel as welcome as I used to be. The desperation is gone, and I find myself attracted to the complacency of many addicts. Maybe I should relax and have fun, but instead I feel a sense of sadness. The last house on the block is torn down, replaced with a convenience store that has me thinking about living off-grid again. Therein lies the problem.

A desperate addict will do anything for Narcotics Anonymous because they are out of options. Therein lies the solution.  

Did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

Pink Floyd, ‘Wish You Were Here’ song

Embracing Narcotics Anonymous: Lessons for Lasting Recovery

Chapter five of the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, titled “What Can I do?” has been critical to my recovery these last ten years. I had a significant shift in my beliefs about what it means to be in recovery. The Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text Chapter eight says ‘We Do Recover’, but what does that mean for me and what do I do when I recover? The drugs stopped being a problem a long time ago. I have learned from other members that addiction runs much deeper than the use of drugs. Tradition three asks us to have a desire to stop using. Not using comes first in my recovery. Some believe that Tradition Three only refers to drug use, but I see things differently. I am vigilant in my recovery and carefully look at all my behaviors. When I ‘need a meeting’ I am using Narcotics Anonymous like I used drugs. I believe there is a difference between using and active addiction.  Most of the time I go to meetings to ‘help others’. It is important to me know where I am, what brought me there and what I can do to be of service to others. NA helps me to shift my thinking away from using and self-obsession.

Stop Using.

Chapter five of the Second Edition of the Basic Text starts with the following line;

The first step to recovery is to stop using.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Five, first sentence

My drug use brought me to Narcotics Anonymous. Other issues with my addiction have surfaced as the years have gone by. I did not realize the full extent of the problems when I first arrived.  My higher power unfolded awareness of how I used as I was able to handle reality.  Narcotics Anonymous has no opinions on outside issues, but I do. Today, I have opinions about what constitutes using and ideas about what recovery looks like.

I maintain healthy boundaries and I am careful with who I spend time with, particularly in recovery circles. I still struggle with wanting to use and with my character defects. I am fortunate to have a strong support group in and out of the fellowship.  I will work with anyone who wants to carry a message about NA regardless of my feelings about them by putting aside my defects.  

Lose the Desire to Use.

There is space between stopping using and learning a new way to live. Between the two is when we lose the desire to use according to the literature.

What is our message? That an addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.

Basic Text, Chapter Six, Tradition Five

This process has been repeated regularly in my recovery. I remember when I smoked cigarettes. I tried quitting for almost ten years. I would often come to NA to pick up tobacco again. I believe an addict who wants to use can easily find using addicts. We seem drawn to each other. Not everyone would agree that smoking is addictive or a problem. I need to carefully consider who I surround myself with. My relationships form the basis of my reality.

One of the problems is that we found it easier to change our perception of reality. We must give up this old concept and face the fact that reality and life go on whether we choose to accept them or not. We can only change the way we react and the way we see ourselves. This is necessary for us to accept that change is gradual and recovery is an ongoing process.

Basic Text, Chapter 5

I tried to be a part of the complex social and service structures that surround Narcotics Anonymous. I visited people I had no business associating with. I used people and the people I often used were using as well. I was desperate for connection and to feel loved.  I look back and feel like a parasite. I find it difficult to identify the behaviours associated with using. Step 10 helps me daily. Today I hear addicts who ‘need a meeting’ and it sounds like going is a fix from the dope dealer. I am glad they made it to a meeting. I have felt that way many times but less today. If they do not have a desire to stop, then my experiences are worthless. The sought after connections I craved came about after I surrendered. My life is incredibly rich and diverse with friends and support today.

Navigating the fellowships is challenging. I see hundreds of locals at a convention for the entire weekend, but a small percentage are willing to complete simple commitments to be of service. Some of those who are committed to service have problems with control. Manipulation and control are the most powerful drugs in my opinion.

Having a desire to stop using begins when I make that decision to attend a meeting to help others rather than help myself. Narcotics Anonymous is not a smorgasbord of options where I pick and choose my responsibilities. An ultimate authority governs my choices and I choose to the best of my ability. The time between when I stop using and losing the desire to use can be painful. Life does not always feel fair. I am painfully lonely at times but the cost of using is too high. Using holds no solutions for me today.

Learn a New Way to Live.

Practicing these principles in all my affairs is the best option for learning a new way to live. I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society. The danger is dishonesty and self-deception because I am prone to poor thinking. I have a home group and participate freely with all members. It keeps me accountable and surrounds me with the unconditional love needed for my ongoing recovery and the recovery of others. I love to hike, so I join a hiking club because that is the club’s primary purpose. I practice principles when I participate. I am passionate about volunteering, so I join non-profit organizations. The experiences learned are what I bring to Narcotics Anonymous now. When things do not go well, I do not get high over it. I can share the lessons learned so that others do not have to make the same mistakes. I love to share my experience in Narcotics Anonymous with the people my Higher Power puts in my life.

Home Group Devotional

Narcotics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous has no pledges to sign and no promises to make. Some members may not find relief from using drugs immediately, but I have seen that happen countless times at my home group. There are no membership fees, and I am free to come and go as I please. I have learned that my personal recovery depends on unity with others, like me, who have struggled with drug addiction. I accept that I have a desire to stop using, and I seek a new way to live. This motivates me daily.  That way includes the support of others and a commitment to helping other addicts who struggle with their addiction. My experience is that it is best done within a Home Group. This Fellowship is all encompassing, and anyone can join my Home Group. My commitment to my Home Group is a devotion; a loyalty and love that knows no bounds.

Meet Regularly to Help Each Other

The Narcotics Anonymous literature says we meet regularly to help each other. This is a Fellowship that provides the unconditional love and experiences of other members like myself. We meet often enough to serve my needs and the needs of others.  I am neither too big nor too small to find a place here. Everything in Narcotics Anonymous that occurs outside of my Home Group is not of my concern. I have learned to trust my higher power care for my life and the lives of others. My ideas, big and small, have a home here in my home group. With the support of a Group Conscience, I can achieve great things. Good ideas that have not found their right time and bad ideas too, will fall away. It helps me put everything in perspective outside of Narcotics Anonymous when I am in society. The practical application of spiritual principles within a group allows me to function outside the group.

Powerful Addictions

I believe today that the most powerful addiction affecting me is manipulation and control. I participate in a Narcotics Anonymous Home Group for help and to help.  I learn to balance my recovery with the recovery of others. I learn the importance of having a secretary record our decisions accurately so that the will of the Group stays ahead of the will of an individual. I see how important it is to have a treasurer who manages our funds carefully to sustain the group and carry a message to the still suffering addict. My group lives or dies by the decisions we make, and how we support ourselves. No one will pay our bills if we are frivolous, and addicts will die if they do not know we are here. Sometimes my home group will try and work with others. We send a trusted servant who can carry our collective will to achieve some goal. We are also able to walk away from any situation that jeopardizes our unity, our autonomy and our collective freedom. Strong personalities do not fare well within a group and sometimes a group struggles to grow because of this. These lessons help me when I am outside the group participating in society or working with other groups.

WCNA#38

I recently attended an event known as the World Convention of NA #38 because of the generosity of others. It was a powerful display. I heard many members with powerful experiences and strong opinions speak either at the podium or in private conversations. I was overwhelmed with emotion to meet up with home group members who were able to attend. I hugged each of them and wept openly. My life depends on these people more than Narcotics Anonymous will ever understand. The joy was indescribable.

I was saddened to hear the Executive Director of the NAWS corporation speak of willfully using Narcotics Anonymous funds to pursue his personal agenda. Theft should never be taken lightly. It was upsetting to hear him speak of being pushed to the point of violence when confronted with words. Violence is the language of the ignorant. I hope he returns to his home group and finds acceptance and unconditional love.

Apparently, the convention will lose money. My hope is that those groups who supported this event will learn an important lesson.  It is unfortunate that such a small number of groups support the World Service Conference, and the NAWS corporation because they bear full responsibility for the loss. The worst part for me is the lending of the ‘Narcotics Anonymous’ name to these outside enterprises.   Overdue bills and the behaviors of those outside of Narcotics Anonymous damages our reputation when associated with NA. Better care should be the lesson learned when assigning a Home Group’s responsibilities to a service structure. Fortunately, Narcotics Anonymous has become so large that the loss of the World Service Conference, The NAWS corporation, any service structure or groups will not affect Narcotics Anonymous as a whole.

Groups May Create Service Boards and Committees

When a group gives authority to an outside enterprise, they create the perfect opportunity for our sickest members to govern. Great care should be taken when assigning any responsibilities and accountabilities. The actions of our trusted servants should always be taken with great humility.

Self-Obsession

Self-Obsession is the Core of Our Disease.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd edition, Chapter 5 ’What Can I Do?’, line 38.

The title of this blog is a line from the Basic Text and this information changed everything for me. My understanding did not come overnight but over time. It was a slow progression that changed my life to the one I lead today. To the best of my ability, I have learned to live, moment to moment. There is a balance I work hard to maintain, like a hiker moving forward, carefully testing each step. Regardless of the terrain, each step forward is part of a journey and when I lose focus on the moment, I tend to fall. Sometimes the terrain is difficult and sometimes not but when I lose focus, I can find myself lying on the ground, having encountered some unseen root or stone.  Equally important is the path I take because self-obsession is always present. That is the critical role that the Traditions play in my life. The Traditions have become as important as the Steps for me. Without the Twelve Traditions, self-obsession can be the core of my recovery. The Twelve Traditions are truly the ties that bind us together.

A Using Addict Attracts Addicts Who Are Using.

I first started to notice the impact that self-obsession played on my life when I had over a year clean. Time and time again I would find myself struggling with some decision or dealing with some feeling that was entirely based on the impact it would have on my life. I would be angry and pout because my family wanted to go shopping at the mall, which I hated. The division of chores in our household seemed unfair. I often felt like I worked harder than my coworkers and lacked the recognition I deserved. The awareness did not always lead to change. I found it difficult to stop using people, places and things. When I was able to stop, I often felt a deep sense of loss. Maintaining a desire to stop using required effort. Eventually I was able to listen and learn from others a new way to live. Sometimes the distance from stopping using to learning a new way to live was measured in years.  Smoking cigarettes was a problem for me, and it took a decade to finally stop. I needed to walk away from the cluster of smoking addicts at every meeting I attended.  I wanted to be popular and well liked but a using addict hangs with addicts that are using.  I was finally able to surrender my addiction to Fellowship. I had grown co-dependent on Narcotics Anonymous as a social club. My awareness of the disease is critical to my success. Every day I am faced with challenges and my sense of entitlement marches along in step.

Help Others Program

My circle of friends and support is smaller today than previous. I am weary of the abusive nature of addicts. Even within a Home Group I find addicts consumed with self-interest.  I am not interested in treatment centers and the focus on character defects and character development. Self-obsession is the natural progression of addicts without the 12 Traditions. Narcotics Anonymous has instilled in me a sense of love for myself and that came from experiencing the unconditional love of the Fellowship. I seek a true Fellowship of addicts with a desire to stop using. I know of no other method of showing gratitude than the selfless expression of my time and energy. Each time I surrender, I lose nothing but a false sense that my needs might be met. My reliance is on the God of my understanding to put me where I need to be. I learned a lot of this from applying the Twelve Traditions in a Home Group. I am less afraid, and I have better focus on the tasks at hand. NA is where I serve. I take responsibility for all aspects of my recovery. I am less concerned with being served. I know of no other way to live with the disease of addiction than the NA way. We meet regularly to help each other. NA is not a self-help program but is primarily a help others program.   

The Smoking Addict

I was glad when I came to NA that I could stand outside a meeting and smoke cigarettes. It was fun to be a part of and connect with other addicts. I first started attending meetings in 2002, in British Columbia, Canada. Sometimes we would joke with each other about ‘using’ cigarettes and have a conversation about nicotine addiction. There was always a person who would point out that Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on smoking and it was not considered a drug. We would laugh and tease each other. I felt a sense of connection with smokers. Some members were clearly not ready to stop smoking. Some members were clear that smoking was something they were not willing to even consider as an addiction. I loved to smoke so I could understand. I was a happy smoker for many years.

Quitting Smoking

I continued to smoke for about 10 years after I found Narcotics Anonymous. I saw it as an addiction. I would stop using, but I did not lose the desire to stop right away, and I returned to the habit time and time again. Sometimes, my first cigarette was after a meeting. I was finally able to stop using cigarettes, lose the desire to use and I learned a new way to live. One tool that was valuable was walking past the smokers after leaving the meeting. I found it difficult to maintain my recovery while hanging with people who used. It was lonely at first, and sometimes it still is. Sometimes I watch the smokers and wonder how nice it would be to be a part of again. Once I made the commitment to being a non-smoker, my life got easier and I found new friends.

Quitting Other Addictions

In 2018 I went to my last convention. Quitting conventions was not as difficult. I just tired of using NA meetings and events as a social club. Using NA was a symptom of my disease. A using addict attracts addicts who are using. The literature talks about using people, places, and things. I stopped getting involved in Fellowship service structures as well. Manipulation and control are powerful drugs. I’m not surprised by the small turnout of members for service in some places.  Some service committees are quite healthy. I watch for well attended committees as one symptom of health. Once I expanded the concept of using from drugs to all aspects of living, it became increasingly difficult to hang with people who are using. I see members who ‘need’ a meeting, like it’s a fix. Some members return again and again to service positions never seeing the destruction they cause. Making the transition to enjoying complete recovery and acceptance in society was the most difficult process of recovery. I need to completely abandon dishonesty and self-deception each day. Today my new life feels not only possible but enjoyable. I maintain boundaries today. I love helping and giving back in and out of the Fellowship. NA has taught me a new way to live.

Virtual NA

The COVID pandemic was an amazing opportunity to be of service and help others. I feel like I have learned so much these last few years. I love attending NA meetings and I participate in two home groups. I find myself attending more meetings than ever. It is very important to continue my online life and I also support the local recovery community. The number of people who support me has grown and connecting with healthy addicts has been beneficial to my recovery. I seek out those members who still have a desire to stop using. Clean time is inconsequential and almost seems detrimental. The longer I am clean I find I am prone to putting my opinion ahead of the experience of others.  I learn valuable lessons about the practice of spiritual principles with the support of others who are also trying to stop using. Spiritual principles are not exclusive to NA members. My support group grows constantly.

A Good Home Group

I love a good home group.  I know that we meet regularly to help each other. It is a unique part of NA where addicts can carry a message to newcomers and support each other. I show up with a good attitude and I’m open to new ideas where I can help. I also ask for help quicker than ever before. What I avoid are the members who are using or have no desire to help. I must accept that is where some people are at. I try not to be judgmental, but a good dose of judgement keeps me in recovery and not influenced by other people’s behaviors.   Someone reminded me that ‘we are sick people’ and I remind myself that includes me. I needed to lower my expectations of members. The safest place for me to be is in my home group and if it is not safe, I can find another group. I’m loved and accepted for who I am regardless of how the disease affects my life today.  

Actions of My Obsessions

I find that the most difficult aspect of the disease of addiction is obsessive thoughts. The obsessions combined with compulsive behaviors fueled many strange and unusual situations in my life. I believe that attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings finally broke the cycle of acting on compulsive behaviors. I found freedom by listening to others and sharing my experiences. Today I can identify my thoughts and choose to act differently.  I still suffer from the disease of addiction but I did not have to act on every impulsive behavior. I see that the actions of my obsessions is using. I have heard many addicts share that first we stop using, then we lose the desire to use, and finally achieve a new way to live.  I realized the extent of the disease when I was over fourteen years clean. I found myself alone, caught in lies and self-deception and nowhere to turn to. Alone, I ended up spiraling out of control. I found a solution in my desperation. The solution was found in the Primary Purpose of Narcotics Anonymous.

Primary Purpose

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter two, ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?’

Staying clean by attending meetings was and remains primary to my recovery. I must look at my life with fresh eyes each day. Complacency is the enemy of members with two days or two decades clean. It is simply not enough to attend a meeting. I need to actively engage in recovery and that means helping others. Helping others can be a challenge. I am still prone to delusional thoughts that trap me in cyclical thinking. That is why I maintain a relationship with a Home Group. I surround myself with members who have a desire to stop using. Using drugs brought me to NA but now I am aware that using involves lots of different behaviors. I have fallen into the trap of surrounding myself with addicts who are using; people, places and things will distract any of us from recovery. The literature says ‘Tell us about your problem and how we can help’; If you are unwilling or blind to the problems in your life or the lives of those around you, how am I able to help? Not every home group member has a desire to stop using. Some members are self-seekers. Narcotics Anonymous literature talks about the Self-Seeker.

Self-Seeker; a person who primarily pursues their own interest or selfish ends.

From https://www.dictionary.com

It is not that surprising to find self-seekers in NA. Narcotics Anonymous states that ‘self-obsession’ as the core of the disease. I am careful with who is in my life today. It is easy to end up within a group of self-seekers. You need look no further than the social cliques that form in everyday life. Addicts pretend they are in recovery by surrounding themselves with people who enjoy similar pursuits. The result is hundreds attending a convention and only a few attending a service committee. It is easy to convince myself that I’m not using if my friends are doing the same things.

However, many will become the role models for newcomers to follow while…the self-seekers soon find they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster to themselves. Many of them change; they learn we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, ‘Tradition Two’

Home Group

The Home Group relationships I have are the most important ones in my life today. I cannot control who joins a group but I can control who is in my social circles. I find myself turning away from the conflicts within the Home Group and seeking solstice within my social cliques. A subtle change in my attention is all the distraction my disease needs. My personal recovery depends on unity and that is best found in my home group. I can manipulate the people in my social circle. A home group is the best representation of a higher power in my life, and the greatest source of spiritual growth. There is strength in diversity. My disease will reject this and using people, places and things become my obsession. Eventually the cliques fail to feed my addiction and my isolation grows.

This is our road to spiritual growth. We change every day…to gradually, carefully and simply pull ourselves out of the isolation and loneliness of  addiction into the mainstream of life. This comes not from wishing, but from action and prayer. The main objective of Step Seven is to get out of ourselves and strive for achieving the will of our Higher Power.

Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, ‘Step Seven’

I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society when I can strip myself of dishonesty and self-deception. I have found freedom from the disease. I have become peaceful. The best vehicle for expressing love is in my relationships with society.