Tag: addiction

Using

Addiction often focuses on drug use but using can take on lots of forms. When does using become a problem? There are obvious examples of the disease including addiction to sex, gambling, and food. There are obvious symptoms of those forms of addiction. I believe that sometimes the problems are less obvious and even open to opinion. Can Olympic athletes be addicted to performance? Perhaps they are and some might look back with regrets as they get older. An Olympic athlete might suffer from isolation and loneliness. They can have intense focus that only an addict would understand. They can seek the solstice of other athletes as they lose touch with family and friends. A Using addict attracts addicts who are using. Some of the symptoms of the disease of addiction can be associated with any lifestyle but not everyone will agree with who is an addict. I recently struggled with some feelings I associate with using, at the most unusual of places. It was a Narcotics Anonymous meeting near where I live. The feelings I struggled with were isolation and loneliness.

Early in my recovery, I was madly attending NA meetings at every opportunity. I felt a sense of connection and welcomed the opportunity to be a part of everything that was happening.  I attended conventions and took service positions.  Almost every relationship I had was in NA. I remember my sponsor saying to me that ‘Narcotics Anonymous isn’t a social club” but I ignored the warning.  I understood what he meant; NA is here for the purpose of supporting the addict and attracting newcomers, but I saw an opportunity to feel good.  I did not see that I had become addicted to a lifestyle. I thought if I surrounded myself with addicts, I would find some acceptance and maybe some self-worth. Self-obsession is the core of the disease and in the Narcotics Anonymous literature there is a line that describes my problem.

One of the problems is that we found it easier to change our perception of reality.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Five, ‘What Can I do?’

Using drugs alters our perception of reality, and when I stopped things did get better. That does not mean I was cured or that my life was amazing right away. I was faced with an increased awareness of reality. I was also subjected to an increased ability to explore other ways of using. I became more tolerant of others and that was something I needed. I became more accepting of others.  I explored my ideas about who I was while doing the Twelve Steps. I also explored ideas about what or who I could be by listening to other addicts. The world seemed to offer endless possibilities.

I heard the term ‘attraction rather than promotion’ in Tradition Eleven.  I also heard that ‘personal recovery depends on unity’ in Tradition One. I associated the phrases with the lifestyles of the members. I was eager to explore the possibilities. My view was through a narrow window of a local Fellowship. Every addict is capable of using and some have a desire to stop. Unity is easily found and fluid, changing from day to day. I did not always find healthy relationships. A member might trade cocaine for weights and crack house for a gym. They believe that everything has changed and feel good about their recovery. I could suggest that nothing has changed. It is easier for me to judge than understand the actions of another. My perception is that they are the same self-obsessed addict that they were when they were on drugs. People seem to pick and choose terms from the Twelve Steps and Traditions which become weapons in the defense of their using and in judging others.  I have something to say about everything and bring fuel to a fire of disunity. I am learning to keep my mouth shut and distance myself from some members. I have developed healthy relationships as a result. I still wonder if the worst aspect of the disease is manipulation and control but maybe that is just my problem.  It has become clear to me that some of the worst examples of active using are in those who serve the Fellowship of NA, as well as promote their ‘clean time’. The literature says that complacency is the enemy.  I focus on gratitude that I did not use drugs today. I try and have awareness of my behaviors. Narcotics Anonymous continues to grow and addicts are staying clean and carrying a message to others.

Narcotics Anonymous encourages members to meet regularly to help each other but often members are here to simply help themselves. I believe a daily inventory helps me identify a pattern of using where it affects my life or the lives of people around me. I accept Tradition Three, where I am required to have a desire to stop using.  The treatment industry often promotes the Twelve Steps but nothing on the Twelve Traditions. Some members are products of a treatment industry that promotes self-care. ‘Feelings of unity’ have become a commodity. That is not the unity referenced in literature.

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous it is imperative that the group remain stable, or else the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

And near the end…

Our Traditions are the guidelines that protect us from ourselves. They are our unity.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Tradition One

I have narrowed my focus to joining and participating in a home group. It is all the Fellowship I need. My life is stable and drama free. I have a life of abundance. Rather than acting on using, I try and focus on the spiritual principles.

By staying clean we begin to practice spiritual principles such as hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, Step Twelve

Enough

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently (it feels like months…) looking at a feeling I have. Maybe ‘feeling’ is not the best word, it might be a puzzle, or maybe a bit of self-deception, I am not sure exactly what it is. I have a feeling of having enough. I am content. I want to clarify a few things first. I did not win the lottery and I have not moved to a tropical island to retire. You probably have your own ideas on what ‘enough’ is.  I have felt like this for quite a few years now. As an addict, it was a feeling that I thought would be a lot more elusive. Life is full of ups and downs, with all the raw emotions of change and I’m not immune to those. My life today rests on a foundation of happiness. I found this section of the Narcotics Anonymous literature quite relevant.

Obsessive behavior is a common denominator for addictive people. We have times when we try to fill ourselves up until we are satisfied, only to discover that there is no way to satisfy us. Part of our addictive pattern is that we can never get enough of whatever we think we want. Sometimes we forget and we think that if we can just get enough food or enough sex, or enough money we’ll be satisfied and everything will be all right. Self-will still leads us to make decisions based on manipulation, ego, lust, or false pride. We don’t like to be wrong. Our egos tell us that we can do it on our own, but loneliness and paranoia quickly return. We find that we cannot really do it alone, and when we try things get worse. We need to be reminded of where we came from and that it will get progressively worse if we use. This is when we need the Fellowship the most.  

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Seven, Recovery and Relapse.

A Wide Range of Addicts

Later versions of the Basic Text removed the phrase ‘of whatever we think we want’ but for me the original wording is best.  What I want can be a dangerous place given the right set of circumstances. Being immersed in Narcotics Anonymous does not offer much protection from want. In fact, surrounding yourself with addicts can make things worse.  Years ago, someone pointed out to me that Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. I had rose coloured glasses that told me a different story, but I see things clearly today. There are a wide range of addicts described in the Basic Text.

  • Self-seekers, opportunists with little concern for right and wrong.
  • members who remain abstinent, but whose dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from complete recovery and finding acceptance within society.
  • Addicts struggling back from relapse.
  • Others who are caught up in complacency, with a vague sense of having done the right things and an inability to see the larger picture.
  • Members enjoying complete recovery.
  • Newcomers who arrive in desperation for a new way to live.

I have tried to maintain relationships with all of them. Some I have chased like an addict looking for a fix because I thought they had something I wanted. Some of them I thought I could fix, which at its core, is another of my wants. Some used me for their own selfish desires because I allowed myself to be blind. I have also gone through dark periods where I thought Narcotics Anonymous would be better without some of them. Each pursuit of some ‘want’ brings about a reminder about powerlessness, surrender, and acceptance in my recovery.

There are some constants in my recovery. I have always had a sponsor and I have always supported a home group.  A sponsor acts as a guide, and a home group meets regularly to help each other stay clean. The primary purpose of a home group is to carry a message to the still suffering addict. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program, but a help others program.  I am currently a member of two home groups. I like this arrangement and it suits my lifestyle well. Being part of a home group has been a foundation for my recovery.  I believe being part of a home group has been instrumental in my current feelings of contentment. A healthy balance of addicts aids my recovery. There is a curious line within the Basic Text.

Death of a Fellowship

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous, it is imperative that the group remain stable, or the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

Basic Text, Chapter Six, Tradition One, fourth line.

I used to think the wording was a mistake because the phrase seemed to connect the stability of a single group to the fate of the entire Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I have a different appreciation of the language today. I confine my thoughts on Fellowship to my home group. This helps me to keep things simple and I can have a conversation with any home group member about the Traditions as they apply to our group. I do not have to like or have a personal relationship with anyone in my home group. I like the idea of Narcotics Anonymous being made up of tens of thousands of Fellowships, each with a unique personality and perspective. I still have a desire to stop using today. That desire today is more on my defects than the use of drugs. I feel connected to other members when I maintain awareness of my desire to stop. It levels the playing field and helps me to see each of us as equals. If I find the Group behaving in a way that I cannot accept, I simply find a new Fellowship of addicts following the Twelve Steps and Traditions of NA or I start a group.  Sometimes I must let things go and follow the Group Conscience. As the Fellowship grows, the shared experiences increase, and I have more freedom from self-obsession.  

False Fellowships

There are lots of false fellowships within Narcotics Anonymous. Many members attending a convention feel good and think ‘This is an amazing Fellowship’ or talk of ‘Unity’ but I see no evidence to support that at our service committee meetings. Members enjoy the thrill of a convention but abandoned their efforts to carry the message afterwards. Newcomers rarely show up to a convention for their first meeting. Some newcomers arrive at a actual meeting holding a wrinkled meeting list they have looked at for days before finally making the effort to attend a meeting. False unity becomes a drug and many addicts end up using over and over. That is not the only example.

Addicts make up false Fellowships all the time. Calling all your addict friends to go on a trip or to a beach party is not a Fellowship. Gatherings are simply a bunch of friends getting together but the illusion of ‘Fellowship’ detracts from the primary purpose. I avoid personal relationships in NA now and seek to serve. I’m tired of being used, and witnessing others using NA. It is a painful reminder of my own experience with using NA as a social club. I am as powerless over others as I am of my disease. Personal recovery depends on unity which is defined as;

a condition of harmony

continuity without deviation or change (as in purpose or action)

“Unity.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/unity. Accessed 29 Aug. 2023.

I have found that what I have learned in the last few years about Fellowship and unity benefits me in my personal life. Working with co-workers, or being part of a volunteer group, is much more rewarding now. I am focused on the purpose ahead of the personalities in all my affairs. I now have more friends than I have ever had, and many are outside the Fellowship.  What I have learned outside the Fellowship has helped me form intimate relationships with healthy people inside the Fellowship. I am a complete person and content with who I am. I also recognize that I have abundance in my life I can share.  I have time and resources to benefit others. I am enough and I have enough.

Who Is An Addict?

I argued with members a lot about what the word ‘addict’ meant when I started attending Narcotics Anonymous in 2002. I remember one member saying to me, “if you took half an aspirin this morning, and now all you think about is taking aspirin, you might be an addict”.  The simple logic of his statement made a big difference for me in my first year. After a year of attending meeting regularly, I finally sorted out that I was not always going to have the answer to ‘who is an addict’ but I could clearly see that I was one. Being wrong was a big problem in the beginning but now I have learned to appreciate it. There are a lot of benefits to seeing how I am wrong. I also see now that there are always reasons to return to using. For me life seems to be a pendulum that swings between a desire to stop using and using.

Our disease isolated us from people except for the getting, using, and finding ways and means to get more. Hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking, we cut ourselves off from the outside world. Anything not completely familiar became alien and dangerous. Our world shrank and isolation became our life. We used in order to survive. It was the only way of life we knew.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd (and all editions), Chapter 1, ‘Who is an Addict’

For about 10 years I continued to smoke cigarettes in recovery. It did feel like using but I was not willing to go to the same lengths to get more. I became more uncomfortable with the behaviour as I progressed in my recovery. You will often see a group of smokers standing outside before and after the meetings. Meeting spaces have been lost from the actions of a few smokers because of the litter of smoking. I found that smoking and the litter became more and more uncomfortable. I did try to take on the responsibility of cleaning up but it was often a solitary task because many of the smokers are ‘hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking’. I developed resentments about other smokers. Walking the solitary path is lonely and frightening and it was easy to succumb to peer pressure. The core of the problem was ultimately me. I am an addict and using comes naturally. I would repeatedly fail in my attempts to quit and I littered the ground with butts.  I was glad when I was rid of the addiction of smoking. As I grow spiritually, I find myself often walking a lonely and frightening path. It takes a while to get centered and develop a new support group.  Other addictions emerged as I continued to take personal inventory or when I listened to other addicts share their experiences.  Sometimes I am completely unaware of a problem until I hear another addict share.

We are each others’ eyes and ears;…when we do something wrong our fellow addicts help us to help ourselves by showing us what we cannot see. We sometimes find ourselves caught up in old ideas. We need to constantly review our feelings and thinking, if we are to stay enthusiastic and grow spiritually. This enthusiasm will aid our ongoing recovery.

Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Chapter 10, ‘More Will Be Revealed’

I have found that more is revealed but it rarely seems to come easily. I’m not always aware of what is ‘wrong’ but when someone shares and I can listen, new ideas present themselves. ‘Help us to help ourselves by showing us what we cannot see’ means that I do not need your inventory of my behaviors but if you share your struggles, it could be something that I need to look at too. As our Fellowship grows, so does my awareness of the world around me. ‘The wider the base, the higher the point of freedom’ is from ‘Our Symbol’ section of the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text. I wondered what ‘freedom’ they were speaking of in the beginning but I believe today that it is freedom from self-obsession.

Today I keep my world small, and the only Fellowship I need is a good home group. I focus my attention on those relationships. I see how I fall short as well as contribute to the health of the group and the atmosphere of recovery. I avoid the hard sell of events and prefer the quiet unity found in service. Some of these things ‘outside’ of the Fellowship can become a big smorgasbord of poor behaviours. We tend to ‘isolate ourselves from the outside world.’ Gossip and cliques weaken our efforts to carry a message. Members become addicted to lifestyle and surround themselves with others who support this or that addiction. I am passionate about Public Information and getting out meeting information. I love to deliver meeting lists and work on websites. Sometimes I wonder if I am caught up in obsession but I just need to listen to newcomers. I wonder how did they find us and listen to their stories so that it might benefit me in my recovery. Ultimately my benchmark has been from our literature.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Chapter 7, ‘Recovery and Relapse’.

I have found complete recovery and acceptance within society. Dishonesty and self-deceptions work against me daily  but the solution is to work a program of recovery daily.

The Sponsor

The Experience of Others

There was a lot to absorb when I first started attending Narcotics Anonymous. It was like being on the receiving end of a firehose of feelings, thoughts, perceptions, and ideas. I marvel today at the newcomers who stick with the program, adapt what works and discard what does not. The diversity of the addicts who make up the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous amazes me. I heard early on that I should get a home group, work the steps, get involved in service, talk to members, and visit various groups. I also heard that I should get a sponsor. When I asked, I was told that a sponsor ‘takes you through the steps’ but I saw a lot more than that going on. I thought it was important to lay a good foundation of the basics and I went through a tremendous number of sponsors in two years. Every one of those early sponsors was a ‘loser’ when I pulled out my recovery measuring stick.  I compared what I was told ‘worked’ with what my sponsor was doing and discarded them like I was changing socks. They failed to measure up. I tried to learn from the experiences of others who seemed to find sponsors they could work with. It was hard to let go of my own ideas and embrace these vague ideas about what worked.

When The Student is Ready, The Teachers Arrive.

Some sponsors gather their sponsees around them like a hen with chicks. Other sponsors were completely indifferent. One sponsor I found was a dream come true. He was the big man at meetings, riding his motorcycle, blue collar worker and quite involved with being of service. His wife was equally involved in NA. They were the NA power couple we so often see. I was shocked when he ripped me off for sixty dollars and left town. I was hurt and thought of giving up. He stopped answering his phone, left town and avoided me like I had the plague at conventions and events over the years. I knew I must have done something wrong, and it re-enforced the idea that I was less than. It laid the foundation for a long history of abusive relationships within the fellowship. I did eventually find a good sponsor and completed a set of steps but my trust was damaged. I am still trying to figure out what makes a good sponsor, and I’m fortunate to have several sponsees who are helping me today. Sponsorship feels more like being a student today than the teacher I thought I was supposed to be.  Sponsees tell me what is working for them and what is not. We talk about struggles and how best to serve the God of their understanding.

We have found it helpful to have a sponsor and to use this sponsor. Sponsorship is merely a way of describing the special interest of an experienced member that can mean so much to newcomers after they turn to N.A. for help. Sponsorship is also a two-way street,…helping both the newcomer and the sponsor. The sponsor’s clean time and experience may well depend on the availability of sponsors in a locality. Sponsorship is also the responsibility of the group for helping the newcomer. It is implied and informal in its approach, but it is the heart of the N.A. way of recovery from addiction—one addict helping another.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 5, “What Can I do?”, line numbered, pg 52.

Bad Ideas

I have had a lot of bad ideas about sponsorship over the years. The fellowship is diverse so I try and let go of any ideas I have about what recovery should look like for someone else. I have found a lot of benefit in taking a special interest in newcomers. Sometimes those relationships turn into sponsorship. Many of my best ideas became bad ideas once I was able to share them with a sponsor. It is nice to be that person for someone else. I try not to guide sponsees or offer directions. Each addict has a unique perspective on Fellowship.  I love these three lines from Information Pamphlet #6, published by Narcotics Anonymous in 1976.

…We in the recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous have noted with some satisfaction that many of the relapsers, when again active in their prime or substitute addiction have dropped many of the parallel behaviors that characterized them in the past…

…Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society…

…An addict, who by any means, can lose even for a time the need or desire to use, and has free choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery…

IP #6, Narcotics Anonymous, 1976, available at this link from the Autonomous Region for Narcotics Anonymous

The Fourth Edition of the Basic Text introduced the idea that ‘Self-Seekers’ were part of Narcotic Anonymous but that was never approved by the Groups. I wrote an article about the evolution of self-seeking as a behavior to self-seekers as a classification of member. Sponsoring a self-seeker comes with some challenges but the same is likely true for other types of addicts. I do believe that I cannot measure someone’s desire to stop using. Self-seekers seem to make up a significant portion of the Fellowship and have become role models for newcomers. Sponsoring can be particularly challenging when there are so few examples of what recovery can look like.

Help Others Program

In the end, what the literature says is when we meet regularly to help each other. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program but a help others program. Helping others comes with a unique set of challenges. I have learned I cannot fix another person, even if I sponsor them. Helping others involves the sponsee arriving at a problem and talking about solutions. Navigating the relationships required for unity is less challenging when I have a sponsor. Unity brings a unique set of problems.

Self-help is best left to the professionals. Self-seeking has the potential to become another manifestation of addiction. This is evident by the rapid rise in therapists, self-help books, gurus, and healers. Self-help is a billion-dollar industry fueled by the self-seekers. The carrot of potential hanging in front of the self-seeker is more powerful than any drug.

Having Had a Spiritual Awakening

The full range of human experiences becomes evident as you start to sponsor people. There are great dangers in exposing trauma and providing even the basics of therapy. Narcotics Anonymous is a ‘we’ program, and sponsors can help with unity but not in providing discount therapy, in my opinion. When a addict completes the steps, they are encouraged to practice spiritual principles, carry a message to other addicts as a result of an awakening of the spirit. My role as a sponsor has been facilitating the change of an individual into a member.  That change involves the application of the Twelve Traditions.  My experience is that each of us is already a perfect example of what a human can be. Our true value shines when we work together.

Self-Seeking

Narcotics Anonymous has become a huge fellowship that has spread across the globe over the last seventy years. There are tens of thousands of Groups. Members are encouraged to support a Home Group. The exact number of groups is a mystery. Many groups do not participate in any service structures. Groups are only accountable to the members they serve. Most groups remain autonomous.  Only a small number of groups participate in service structures in North America. There was a time when participation was strong, literature was created by members, and approved by groups. A significant piece of literature is The Basic Text for Narcotics Anonymous which includes the following paragraphs;

Those of us who have been involved in service or in getting a group started sometimes have a hard time letting go. Egos and unfounded pride and self-will would destroy a group if given authority. We must instead remember that offices have been placed in trust, that we are trusted servants and that at no time do any of us govern. Narcotics Anonymous is a God-given Program, and we can maintain our group in dignity only with group conscience and God’s love.

Some will resist. However, many will become the role models for newcomers to follow while the self-seeking soon find they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster to themselves. Many of them change; they learn we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Third Edition, published 1984, Tradition 2, Page 59

The Basic Text went through a lot of revisions from the First Edition published in 1983 to the Fifth Edition in 1988. The Fifth Edition was the version I found when I came to the program in 2002. Versions Four, Five and Six changed the wording slightly by using ‘Self-seekers’ rather than ‘Self-seeking’.  The impact of that change was significant for me.

Some will resist. However, many will become the role models for the newcomers. The self-seekers soon find that they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster for themselves. Many of them change; they learn that we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

 Fourth Edition, published 1987, Page 59

Self-seeker

What is a self-seeker? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary provides this excellent definition.

Definition of self-seeker (noun)

as in opportunist

one who does things only for his own benefit and with little regard for right and wrong

‘he’s a self-seeker who is nice only to people who can do him favors’

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary see this link.

It was not until I studied historical literature that I got a better understanding of Narcotics Anonymous. I reached out and connected to a global Fellowship. Today, I like to remain in a program of equals, where I take responsibility for my recovery. I am no more or less than any other member, including the self-seeker. I can identify my self-seeking behaviors when I am connected to the God of my understanding and by working with a home group. I attend my home group regularly. Members know me, know my habits, attitudes, and beliefs.  Regardless of my personality, I try and put that aside to work with others to carry a message to newcomers.  We might disagree about everything but our commitment to the primary purpose of Narcotics Anonymous ensures our success as a group which benefits our Fellowship.

Doing The Right Things for the Right Reasons

I find self-seekers care little about anything other than themselves. They have become role models for the newcomers as promised in the later versions of the Basic Text. I struggle with my interactions with the self-seekers. I am repulsed by the lack of concern for Narcotics Anonymous and the devotion to self. Sometimes I wonder if I am the self-seeker that literature speaks of. I find myself on the outside, causing dissention by delivering meeting lists locally. I’m fortunate to have good friends and a support group to talk about these things with. Maybe I am a self-seeker but doing the right things for the right reasons has been a part of my recovery for decades now. I often find myself in opposition to popular opinion.

Unity

Attendance at conventions and other events for the comradery is popular. It is easy to see hundreds attending a local event. Few members, if any, show up to distribute meeting lists. I feel like the label ‘Unity’ has become a weapon for the oppression of others by self-seekers.  I hear ‘it would be nice if you were part of’ from self-seekers. It is called ‘gaslighting’ and I no longer believe them. I am no longer influenced by popularity.   I’m happy to be delivering meeting lists, attending, facilitating workshops, and speaking in prisons as part of a global fellowship. I love working on websites and talking with professionals about my experiences in Narcotics Anonymous.  I do not feel like a self-seeker but ‘dishonesty and self-deception’ prevent members from wholly recovering so maybe I am. I might be living a lie. Perhaps I see unity differently than others.

Anonymi

‘Anonymi’ was a term coined by an early member.  The book ‘A Matter of Principle’ taught me a lot and was written by ‘Anonymi’. I am content with carrying a message alone. Today I have a connection to a global Fellowship who has struggled with the same issues. I love the idea of an ‘Anonymi Foundation’ named for the writer and supporting members worldwide.

A fascinating, semi autobiographical, deeply spiritual, first hand account of the writing of our Basic Text and the founding of modern NA.  A Matter of Principle accurately depicts the differences between true open participatory service structure and the concepts-driven, closed system at the world level today.

  “A Matter of Principle” by Anonymi, Copywrite 2004, available for free (Ecopy) here.

Self-seekers seem to take service positions for power and prestige.  Some self-seekers are so consumed with themselves that they can only find acceptance within peer groups made of the self-seekers themselves.  This causes tremendous difficulties in carrying the message. A Narcotics Anonymous Groups’ ability to work together is easily derailed by the self-obsession of a single member. Fortunately, things have changed with the growth of Internet based access to historical literature and the wide adoption of Narcotics Anonymous online during the COVID pandemic. I am finding more and more connections with people who attend and support groups listed on https://www.virtual-na.org. For years now I have given up on working within the cliques and toxic culture created by the self-seekers. I love to give back and distribute meeting lists. I am content to work alone even if that makes me a self-seeker.

The Self-seeker

With the changes to the literature, a new classification of member was created by labeling the ‘Self-seeker’. There is no drug more attractive to the newcomer than the success promoted by the self-seeker. ‘Look at me, look at me, I’m clean and free’ can easily become a mantra. The global success of Narcotics Anonymous has not translated to North America.  Domestic growth has been stagnant for over 30 years. I believe that attending one event after another will lose its appeal eventually. I no longer resent the self-seekers but maintain healthy boundaries. Healthy NA fellowships are inclusive so I learned to accept people where they are at.  I try and live by spiritual principles.  I welcome anyone who wants to distribute meeting lists.  I would love some help.

Narcotics Anonymous has given me a life beyond any of my dreams. I move about freely in society and have found the love and support of other members of society. Many people give back and freely donate their time and energy in helping others. These have become my role models. This has become my support group. I love to volunteer. The added benefit is that Narcotics Anonymous is not well known and meetings can be difficult to find for newcomers but I can work to change that.  I continue to attend regularly in person and virtual meetings. I rely on historical literature. I do believe that newcomers will eventually find us or die trying. I carry a message in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and carry my recovery in society as well.

Attraction and Promotion

I remember when I was young, and I would party a lot. We would laugh about how intoxicated we got and how intoxicated we were going to get next time. Getting ‘messed up’, ‘baked’ or a dozen other euphemisms was what I thought was an attractive lifestyle. I had friends who dropped acid and called it ‘cutting tracks’ because it apparently scarred your brain and we thought that was cool.  I was too scared to try acid but I tried other things. Some people would talk about what a magical experience hard drugs were and try and convince me to try everything. Things changed when I decided to get clean and joined Narcotics Anonymous. I still think about what activities or lifestyles I consider attractive, and some people still promote their ideas about what they think is attractive.  Narcotics Anonymous Tradition Eleven says that ‘Our public relations policy is attraction rather than promotion, we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and film’. There are a couple things to consider when looking at the first part of this Tradition.  My public relations policy might not be the same as Narcotics Anonymous. I might be fine with promoting something that NA would not. I like wearing blue jeans, and I love gardening. You might find that an excellent experience too and seeing me in my jeans, working in the garden might be attractive. I could try and convince you that both are excellent choices by promoting them. Narcotics Anonymous would probably not have an opinion on either blue jeans or gardening but I can’t speak for what Narcotics Anonymous would say about either. As a member, when I do speak for NA, it would be as a servant, and my personal opinions should not influence what message I carry on behalf of NA and that can be difficult sometimes.  

The greater the base, as we grow in unity in numbers and in Fellowship, the broader the sides and the higher the point of freedom. Probably the last to be lost to freedom will be the stigma of being an addict. Goodwill is best exemplified in service and proper service is “Doing the right thing for the right reason.” When this supports and motivates both the individual and the Fellowship, we are fully whole and wholly free.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd Edition, ‘Our Symbol’, page vii

Stacey Ruth, CPC wrote an excellent article about ‘Attraction vs Promotion’. Her article references a common misconception in 12 step programs about Tradition Eleven. I liked this quote from her article and found it really sorted out the difference between attraction and promotion.

Attraction leaves the opportunity for action in the hands of the audience, while promotion leads them into submission.

Stacey Ruth, CPC, Linkedin “The Big Lie About Marketing: Attraction vs. Promotion”

Fellowships, Cliques, and Passersby.

Attraction and promotion covers a wide range on the part of both the audience and the presenters. At one point I thought I was part of one of the many cliques that form in local recovery circles. I believe that cliques are formed to protect members from accountability for their actions.  United we stand and divided we fall. Cliques can ignore the traditions, or manipulate them to suit the needs of the clique. We would all sit together at meetings, and a privileged few would be invited to events. Phone calls from clique members were a sought-after reward for good behavior and formed part of the hierarchy. Being part of a clique can be precarious and the politics are well beyond my grasp to understand. I never function well in cliques even before I got clean and have given up on learning the etiquette of cliques. Cliques are dangerous because they detract from unity by promoting oppression. One danger is that the activities or events can truly be attractive, but promote disunity by oppressing other ideas.

I have found within myself repeatedly, a strong desire to promote my own ideas. I want to talk about who my sponsor is, how many sponsees I have, or my clean time. I will seek like-minded people who can appreciate me and help promote my ideas about what I think is attractive.  I am not the only one. People with clean time congregate with other people who have clean time.  Wildly crazy thoughts seem to make so much sense in the moment and even more sense when you have the support of a clique. Stupid loves company.

I have experienced how complacency is the enemy of members with clean time. It is very easy to develop uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements. I hear addicts sharing about their lavish lifestyles and new connections with other cliques. Looking good and feeling good become a mantra. Members talk about The Grace of God’, and how they are miracles in a meeting, but spend the rest of the day completely self-consumed with activities that enhance their own experiences.  Hubris is a lack of gratitude. In the cliques, we used gaslighting to oppress others. Simply present a viewpoint as truth, and act like the victim is crazy when they question it. People say “I don’t know why you don’t want to be apart of”, assuming what they are doing is particularly attractive. I keep my world small and my Fellowship small today. I’m interested in delivering meeting lists and working on websites for NA. I love Public Information.

I avoid members who promote treatment centres in meetings. Some members are confused about what recovery means in NA by trying to blend the two worlds. Other members are only interested in lifestyle but not work. Even after decades clean, member will continue to act like a passersby, doing the minimal effort to maintain what they see as their status in NA. A small percentage are invested in having a good time at retreats, conventions and holidays with members of the cliques that have appointed themselves the governing body of NA. All these behaviors are very much like using and require promotion.

Help Others, not Self Help

“Meet regularly to help each other” (Basic text, 2nd Edition, ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program’, Pg 7), has become the Program of Narcotics Anonymous for me. I believe the purist form of recovery is only found in a home group. I learned recovery skills by attraction, not promotion. The difficulty today is understanding the other person’s perspective and I can only do that by connecting with home group members in service, working with newcomers and continuing to attend meetings regularly. I love my life today and have found myself “enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.” (Basic text, 2nd Edition, ‘Recovery and Relapse’, Pg 71) I am not the judge of what is attractive to others, but my life is amazing and by enjoying my recovery and being a part of society, I have a greater impact on the future of Narcotics Anonymous.

A cured addict?

As a recovering addict who’s moved to a country where going to treatment is free, there seems to be more of a desire to live drug free lives free of an NA program than I’ve seen in other groups before. It appears to me that there’s an active culture of coming to meetings but never actually working a program, and moreover, many people stop going to Narcotics Anonymous or working a program once they start feeling good. Although it’s something that happens worldwide, I’ve personally never seen it affect the culture of meetings to this extent before.

I’ve struggled understanding the phenomena of stopping when it’s working. To gain understanding I’ve previously looked at it as a part of the self-destructive nature of our disease; “Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar”, as cited from chapter three of our Basic Text. But I was just recently discussing this with another addict who gave me a new perspective on what I’d previously seen as just a self-defeating aspect of the nature of our disease. This addict suggested to me that it actually seems to be more of a reservation; the desire to live a ‘normal’ life. This ‘normal life’ free of needing what arrests our disease would let us go to work, study, have healthy relationships, a family, the car, without needing to put in work for it. In this reservation-shaped fantasy we wouldn’t need to surrender daily, to work on our recovery daily, but the good feelings would just naturally sustain themselves without effort. Although all reservations are self-defeating, this does look more like a reservation than just a manifestation of our self-defeating character. If we aren’t fully willing to accept what we need for our disease to be arrested, we’re not fully willing to accept our disease. We’re looking at the symptom of our disease – using drugs – as the problem, not us.

Treatment centers and the ‘cured’ addict

Now, knowing myself, to be fully honest about my defects of character; I’m resistant to treatment centers, and have my own preconceived notions and judgments. It’s hard for an addict not to. I’m sure it works for people and I’m really happy it does, it’s just not a part of my experience in recovery. Largely because it isn’t, I struggle with the idea of addicts coming to the Fellowship getting confused about institutions being necessary or even the way to get clean and find a new way of life, or getting confused about NA and institutions somehow being affiliated with each other, as our 6th tradition couldn’t speak against any stronger.

In my experience, reflecting on the addicts who stop coming to NA when they start feeling good, the ones I’ve seen go through this process are addicts who’ve gone to treatment centers. I do want to say I don’t believe this reservation only comes up for addicts who’ve gone to treatment, I’m solely basing this on my experience. But it does beg the question… Does the setup of treatment centers suggest addicts can be cured?

I don’t know what addicts are taught in treatment centers outside of what’s been told to me by some, but the natural setup of a closed institution where you spend a set amount of time sets you up to believe that your problems can be solved during your stay. I believe the natural setup of this brings about an attitude and belief around the symptom of our disease, using drugs, being our actual disease and actual problem. If addicts aren’t taught what the disease actually is, it also makes reservations about what being an addict actually entails more natural to lapse into. I do know that a lot of treatment centers make addicts refer to themselves not as addicts but in terms of the liquid drug or the narcotics, putting a lot of focus on the symptom instead of the real problem. The spiritual nature of our disease also seems to get lost in treatment center conversations. And if we don’t treat a spiritual disease on a spiritual level, the solution isn’t really the full solution, and surrender becomes more of a conditional, place-based act than an unconditional attitude.

An aspect of our spiritual condition as we’re taught in the program is also keeping what we have by giving it away. For those only acquainted with treatment, the spiritual practice of this principle isn’t integrated into any kind of daily program. Many stay in our Fellowship partially to give back what they’ve received; and if you don’t perceive you got what you needed from NA, you won’t see a need to give it back. The spiritual rewards of giving back will also remain foreign to those who are unable or unwilling to open their minds to a spiritual solution, which further causes one to believe that the solution is just to stop using, not changing our actions, attitudes and lives on a deeper level.

The solution?

We don’t want addicts leaving when they feel good. We offer a proven way to live a new way of life, and there’s no set amount of time on living. Addiction can never be cured because it’s not about the use of drugs, but it can be arrested on a daily basis if we have the willingness to live the program.

I don’t believe there’s a clear-cut solution to this problem. We can’t force an addict to recover and to stay in NA, as our experience and the program tells us. What we can do is make our message clear in meetings, and make sure to pay attention to the newcomer and make ourselves available; we can show them what it’s all about. We should love and cherish every addict as a spiritual extension of ourselves and look at carrying a clear Narcotics Anonymous message as an act of love. We don’t want to lose anyone to outside ideas or their own reservations. Our own experience of the program, shared, is effective. I’ve also found meetings focused on the 6th tradition to be effective in these scenarios.  

If we let our message become lost in the whirlwind of treatment center arrivals, we’re doing everyone a disservice. I don’t believe we’ll ever see the day a fully cured addict knocks on our door, but we can make sure to keep our program clear and available for those who are willing to join us. If we reach out our hands, God will do the rest; whatever that looks like.

The Crescent and the Needle, withdrawn.

Originally published at www.12steprecovery.com

Narcotics Anonymous Iran. In 2014, John Lavitt wrote an article for a website called The Fix called “The Crescent and the Needle: The Remarkable Rise of NA in Iran.” This article is no longer available online, but excerpts can be found on other sites. {EDITOR’S NOTE – as of June 1, 2023 a copy of the original article is located at this link] It contained an overview of the rise of Narcotics Anonymous in Iran.  There was faltering attempt in 1990 by a couple members but the Fellowship finally took hold in 1995. By 1998 Iran had translated and produced more than a half a dozen pieces of literature to Farsi and this likely accelerated the growth. In 2001, Iran reached out and made The NAWS Corporation aware of their existence. By 2003 The Corporation had established the fourth World Service Office in Tehran, the capital of Iran. Members of the World Board for the Corporation documented a trip to meet with members of the Fellowship in 2006. Iran was officially recognized as a seated participant at the World Service Conference in 2006 which allowed them to vote.  The Iran Region grew very large. They were so dominant that Annual Reports produced by the NAWS Corporation gave information about Finances and Literature production highlighting Iranian figures separately.  One difference is that groups generally meet daily in Iran, whereas in North America groups often meet weekly. In 2006, Iran had almost a 988 groups and almost 3,982 weekly meetings.  North America had 17,324 groups hosted 26,419 meetings in 2008 and only showing small fluctuations in the last thirty years. There were 53,000+ meetings worldwide in 2008.  14,000+ of them were in Iran, or approximately 26% with zero growth in North America. Iran accounted for 30% of the sales of Basic Texts, and 50% of the sales of IP #22 (Welcome to NA) in 2008.  What has transpired over the last 14 years is a mystery but in 2022, Iran Region has voted to separate itself from the NAWS Corporation and act autonomously.  

This will have significant impact on the NAWS Corporation as Iran Region represents over 30% of the global Fellowship. There are a few indicators of the growing rift with the NAWS corporation. Anthony Edmondson, the Executive Director of the the NAWS Corporation admonished them for leaving and did not make any attempts to address their concerns in a letter dated June 28th, 2022 (available for viewing on many recovery groups on social media).

In 2016, NAWS produced ‘Regional Summaries’ that contained a treasure trove of information about the Fellowships globally.  The Iran Region reported 4,580 Groups and 20,598 meetings. 95% of funding came from Groups and Area.

Our tax status as an NGO [Ed. Non-Government Organization] in iran is not clear and is unknown to us. Some of the saying and or terms in our books and literature does not comply with our culture and we have asked na world service office in tehran to change them but no action has been taken so far.

There does not appear to be any discussion or action on this item. This was the last term for this Regional Delegate and the Alternate Delegate became the RD in 2018. Groups and meeting numbers were very similar, but Fellowship financial support had dropped to 80% of budget, and Literature profits now accounted for the remaining 20%.

‐ One our ASC separated from our region and declared that they are an independent region without any coordination and interaction with the RSC.

‐ Misuse of cyberspace to ruin the trusted servants in NA and spreading rumors and untrue news and also sending reports by some members before sent by delegates and secretary.

‐ Negative impact of some sponsors on their sponsees which results of in their incompatibility with the group conscience and ruin of trusted servants in NA, too.

The same Regional Delegate reported in 2020. Groups now numbered 5,512 and meetings were reported as 23,825. Fellowship financial support is no longer reported in regional summaries, but The RD Team reported that;

*We have not found effective remedies for the legal activities of buying and selling literature., *Poor member support for the basket of seventh tradition and higher cost of groups and thus less support for service committees. *Misuse of cyberspace to destroy trusted servants of NA and spread rumors and inaccuracies reports by some members before being sent by the secretaries. *Deciding part of one of the 29 areas to change their structure from area to region without coordination and interaction with NA‐IRAN and discussing many legal problems. *We do not have a precise statistics on the number of newcomer and how to attract them. we do not have a precise solution for the statistics.

It is difficult to fully understand the comments without some further investigation. ‘Legal activities of buying and selling literature’ could allude to the NAWS corporation practice of marking up literature to cover expenses rather than relying on membership donations. The comments also suggest a declining interest in membership support of the Seventh Tradition to be fully self-supporting off contributions, so it is safe to assume that NAWS Iranian operations were now increasing literature prices. The Iranian Government may have rules affecting how Non-profits are able to finance their operations. This will likely affect other regional bodies in other countries as well. The British Columbia [Canada] Region may require Groups to pay a Goods and Services Tax on literature as profits have exceeded the $50,000 limit imposed by the government.

Other Regions may follow Iran’s lead. Brazil is the second largest fellowship outside of North America with 1,604 groups and 4,659 meetings as of the 2020 Annual Report. For many years, Brazil produced a local Basic Text and paid a small royalty to the NAWS Corporation. Annual sales were reported at more than 15,000 books annually and as high as 41,000. Despite having a Brazilian World Board member, the NAWS Corporation reported annual sales for years of the locally published Brazilian Basic Text using the erroneous term of ‘Brazilian’ for the language term in annual reports. It’s a very simple mistake that many make but highlights that the NAWS Corporation had nothing to do with production. By 2014 they started correcting the annual reports with using the correct language term of ‘Portuguese’ and by 2015 a NAWS approved translation was available. Profits may have increased due to a higher price, but sales have declined steadily since the new approved book was made available and 2018 sales were 5,120. The primary purpose of a Narcotics Anonymous Group is to carry the message to the still suffering addicts regardless of the source of the literature.   Literature prices clearly has a significant impact on the ability of Narcotics Anonymous to carry the message.  This rift between the NAWS corporation and Iran will likely continue to grow to other geographical areas. Many groups in North America and Europe have continued the practice of producing local literature available for cost but operate under the looming threat of litigation by the NAWS corporation.

The Price of Complacency

What is Complacency?

Complacency is used seven times in the Gray Book of Narcotics Anonymous. In the Fifth Edition of the Basic Text (Published by the NAWS Corporation), the word is used five times, and ‘complacent’ is used twice. The literature in Narcotics Anonymous alludes to the dangers of complacency but never clearly defines the meaning. I associated complacency with being lazy until I researched this article. A sponsor of mine pointed out the importance of a good dictionary and how I should not make assumptions about the meaning of words.

Complacency – noun. a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements.

Complacent – adjective. pleased, especially with oneself or one’s merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied.

Oxford Languages. Oxford University Press.

As I approach my twenty-first-year celebration of recovery in Narcotics Anonymous and I cannot help but notice how complacent I can become.  ‘Complacency is the enemy of members with substantial clean time’ is a quote from the Narcotics Anonymous literature. The following quote was even more significant for me.

Complacency does not go with recovery. The deadly and insidious nature of our disease can disguise itself as boredom or superiority and generate the old “apart from” feelings. Separation from the atmosphere of recovery and the spirit of service to others slows our spiritual growth and can threaten relapse. This book is not the final answer to addiction. The Spirit of our Fellowship is constantly leading us into new awareness. Recovery is a journey, not a goal.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Chapter 10, “More Will Be Revealed”

Clean Time Complacency

My disease is the disease of isolation.  Addiction has wide, deep roots and vigilance is required.  Nothing seems to isolate me more than a feeling of superiority. Today I can find myself seeking relationships that mimic unity but really are a cloak that can obscure my vision and blind me to reality. I surround myself with like-minded people and avoid the conflict that true unity provides.  People with clean time greet others with time and sit together at meetings. We admire each other’s lifestyles and I see my recovery as attractive to newcomers.

Hubris and Oppression

Hubris is when I develop a sense of excessive pride, and self-importance. Oppression is a burden I place on others to conform. My disease tells me I have accomplished something by staying clean and I begin to deny the miracle. The literature says we meet regularly to ‘help each other’ but addiction offers ‘helping myself’. A little recovery has been good for me, so a lot of recovery becomes a drug. Tradition three says the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using. The desire to stop using ends for some members when they are clean. I find it very easy to return to using.  My defects and shortcomings become a distraction. Gatherings of members become a smorgasbord of distractions. You can spend weekends traveling to conventions, listening to powerful speakers.  Members gather and dine together, plan outings or vacations, talking about how fortunate they are. A select few newcomers are invited into the cliques if they pair well or contribute to the complacent atmosphere in some meaningful way. The disease of addiction will always find a way to create isolation. We stop acknowledging the miracle and I start promoting my new way of life. Gratitude becomes hubris and unity becomes oppression.

Common Welfare ahead of Personal Recovery

Tradition One of Narcotics Anonymous says that ‘Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on unity’. My complacency comes with a price. I sell my responsibilities and always spend the proceeds selfishly. Complacency offers judgement rather than inventory when my needs are ahead of the common welfare of the group. Other members step up and attend business meetings for the home group so I do not. I accept the lies that my voice is not needed, or that those members who do attend are doing a fine job. Addiction might suggest that Home Group business meetings are so toxic that I have no voice or I simply lose interest out of bordom.

Our Primary Purpose

The Twelfth Step of our personal program also says that we should carry the message to the addict who still suffers. This is no coincidence. Working with others is one of our most powerful tools. “The therapeutic value of one addict helping another is unparalleled.” For the newcomer this is how they find out about N.A. and how they stay clean; and for the members this reaffirms and clarifies what they have learned. The group is the most perfect vehicle we have for carrying the message to the addict who still suffers. When a member carries the message, he is somewhat bound by his interpretation and personality. The problem with literature is language; the feelings, the intensity, and the strengths are sometimes lost. In our groups, with all personalities, the message is a recurring theme; an underlying reality.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Tradition Five “Our primary purpose is to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.”

Service structures were once thought to be outside the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, but complacency changed that. These outside entities can become dominated by members so entrenched in complacency that healthy members cannot breathe.  The same addicts return month after month, and year after year never considering that they are the source of the problem.  A pitiful minority of members support the World Service Conference, and the NAWS Corporation. Literature prices have become so inflated and support the complacency of those members addicted to manipulation, control, and prestige. Addicts who are actively using have no choice but to continue to use until they have a desire to stop. Such is the nature of the disease. Ultimately the anonymity of the individual and the Group is what carries the message when the primary purpose is put ahead of personal recovery.

The Grace of God

God

The concept of God is a difficult hurdle for many people who come to twelve step programs.  Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual organization and the literature refers to the word God.  In AA, they expanded the concept by offering a ‘God of your understanding’ and most twelve step programs have adopted that concept for themselves. Narcotics Anonymous literature refers to a ‘Higher Power’. I believe that regardless of what beliefs you arrive with, you will need to come to terms with the idea of some power greater than yourself.  My personal beliefs when I arrived at my first twelve step meeting was that God, spiritual beliefs, mysticism, and the whole concept of a spiritual existence was for weak minded people who needed a crutch.  I did have some beliefs that I accepted as possible once I qualified my answers. I needed to have a lengthy explanation to justify my beliefs. I was willing to admit that some people might be psychic, and ghosts sounded plausible.  When I was sarcastic, I would say that prayer was an excellent way to spend time until your plane impacts the side of a mountain. At the time, I wouldn’t say I was cynical but looking back I believed that God had never done anything for me, hadn’t been a factor in my life and wasn’t likely to appear any time soon. When I hit bottom, I did have an awakening to the idea that my life was wildly out of control, and I was a mess. I went to my first meeting, expecting nothing, with little hope, and perhaps open to the possibility of some relief. I didn’t expect to find help for someone like me.  Even if God existed, there were many people who were more deserving of help.  I had heard the words, “God’s Grace” but never really given it much thought.

 Compassion

The ‘Grace of God’ is hard to define without the heavy religious overtones of our Christian based society.  For this article, I will use the definition of Grace as unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification. Both the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the original manuscript for the Basic Text used in Narcotics Anonymous referenced the Grace of God. The latest version of the Basic Text published by the NAWS Corporation still mentions God’s Grace in the ‘How It Works’ section; Step Eleven.  It’s a touchy subject with many people but the concept of Grace from a higher power isn’t exclusive to Christianity.  In Buddhism, they have the idea of a bodhisattva. This is a person who has achieved the capacity to obtain enlightenment and become a buddha, but in an act of great compassion chooses to remain in this realm and work to end the suffering of the masses – the act itself is Grace. Hinduism refers to Kripa and Hellenism (Greek mysticism) refers to Kharis.  Grace is what I was offered when I arrived at the rooms, what I learned in doing the steps, and what I try and extend to all. IF you are uncomfortable with the idea of a God then think of Grace as nothing more than compassion offered regardless of the situation.  Think of how the world would be if compassion was at the front of each passing moment.

Eighty-Four Days

The most powerful story I have ever read in recovery was titled Eighty-Four Days. It was published in the Iranian Narcotics Anonymous journal called Payam Behboodi. It’s a letter from a prisoner in jail about his gratitude for eighty-four days clean and how we as recovering addicts should work together and help each other. His gratitude is also for the will of God. His death was by hanging the next morning as punishment for the crimes he had committed. I found a connection with the powerful message. I often feel as if I am in a self-imposed prison. My character defects and shortcomings have always prevented me from being a part of things. I am difficult to get to know, difficult to be around and have little interest in the world around me.  My struggles are with Self, as is the case for many in recovery. Having done a set of steps I also know I have assets and have provided for my family for many years. I also contribute in many ways to society.  I might never be rich or successful but I have always managed to provide for my family.  I have much in my life to be grateful for. I go to meetings and listen to one speaker after another share about their gratitude for what recovery has given them. They talk about their support group, or their vacations and possessions as if those are important.  My belief is that gratitude we share in recovery is reserved for our higher power, however you want to define that.  The vacations, new cars or luxuries might be nothing more than self-obsession and ultimately, that is  the core of the disease of addiction. My gratitude speaks with Grace that I extend to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous and society at large.  Ultimately, the gratitude that carries the strongest message is selfless service. I like to promote unity by working with anyone and including everyone. The Twelve Traditions we study in twelve step programs gave us the tools to ensure our focus is not on our personal relationships with our friends but with all of society. I believe that gratitude grows as our Grace grows. The Grace of God isn’t easy, it is a desperate hand extended to another off a ledge that they find themselves hanging from. The key to Grace is the ‘unmerited’ aspect, the courtesy I extend beyond what I feel is warranted or deserved. It is a part of what makes my service so valuable. Grace is the action of gratitude.

A Bigger Picture

How well your twelve step support group functions, and the service structures they create to support the groups comes from the Grace of God in my belief. It’s very easy to fall into cliques and form micro groups of support around common interests or beliefs, and exclude those we disapprove of.  The twelve-step group is the core of my recovery. The relationships I form within my group, and how I treat others IS the basis of my recovery. It’s from these relationships that I can provide Grace to others. The gratitude that comes from that connection with my higher power is the only gratitude that matters in recovery. We are selling a new way of life that costs everything and nothing. Gratitude for what I have achieved in my recovery is not a magical elixir I can bottle and transfer to another.  Friendships, lifestyle and a dizzying array of choices await many of us as we get clean but it’s all meaningless to someone who’s new or someone who is on the verge of dying.  When my journey started, I was attracted to the message and the feeling of be a part of something.  What I keep for myself when I share my recovery is true gratitude and a belief in the process. 

There is a gratitude that arises from my relationship with the God of my understanding, who guides me and gives me strength. It might be the only gratitude some members will ever achieve. My support group do a daily group text by cellphone of 5 things we are grateful for and it has been a difficult process for me. I really want to focus on all the things that I am grateful for like relationships, sunny days and the smell of rain.  I have come to accept that in turning my life and my will over to God in Step Three, I need to focus on my gratitude for my higher power’s will for me, and the strength that comes to me. Compassion for another is a gift for myself and does more to restore my own worth than anything I could acquire on my own.