Tag: Fellowship

 Addict 2.0

Addiction – History and Facts

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) which is part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, estimates that 10% of the population will experience drug use disorder in their lives. In Canada where I live, the number is estimated by the Canadian Government/Statistics Canada as much higher at 21.6%. Addiction is a serious condition that exists in our society today but it isn’t a new problem. A hundred years ago, most addicts primarily abused alcohol due to the wide availability and social acceptability of the substance, but many other drugs were also available. The Sears catalog offered heroin for sale during the 19th century as an example of the ease with which you could find other drugs. Addiction, and the treatment of the disease looked very different a hundred years ago compared to today. Addiction was not seen as a disease but more as a moral failing, lack of character or weakness. Some addicts were put into institutions or jailed.  The vast majority silently suffered in society until death took them. Many attempts have been made to help those who become addicted with the focus being on the worst cases. Some of the attempts have been misguided, like the development of heroin to treat morphine addiction in 1874. Today, treatment for addiction has mushroomed into a multi-billion-dollar industry. Are we further ahead or have we simply upgraded our addicts?

Alcoholics Anonymous Emerges

In the 1930’s a new movement offered real hope for those affected by alcohol addiction. Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith, long time alcoholics, found sobriety. They were instrumental in starting the program known as Alcoholics Anonymous. Before Alcoholics Anonymous was an organization called the Oxford Group that laid the foundation for their recovery. Members of AA were able to repeat their success by seeking out fellow alcoholics.  AA struggled tremendously as a fellowship until the twelve traditions were created which allowed individuals to work together in groups with the purpose of helping other alcoholics.  For the first time a complete solution presented itself that many agreed was both effective and repeatable.  Alcoholics learned spiritual principles in the twelve steps and applied those principles in the twelve traditions adopted by their groups. AA groups sprang up across the United States and to other parts of the world.

Narcotics Anonymous Finds Success

Unfortunately, AA did not offer much hope to drug addicts, but some found benefits in attending. By 1953 a second fellowship emerged that built on the success of AA by adapting the steps and traditions into what is known as Narcotics Anonymous.  Both organizations have since grown tremendously, span the globe and offer separate methods of recovery based on the twelve steps and twelve traditions. While AA focuses on alcohol and continued sobriety, NA focuses on addiction and selfless service. Using substances might bring the addict to NA but ongoing recovery keeps members attending. Paramount are the efforts to help others recover and is an important part of NA. Narcotics Anonymous literature says ‘We meet regularly to help each other’ and is clearly a help others program, not a self-help program. For me, I believe that my chronic self-obsession is best treated with dedication to a greater cause.

The Minnesota Model

The unrelenting storms of change continued in other areas of the treatment industry as well. Many saw the early successes of AA and sought to incorporate the guidance of healthcare professionals. The “Minnesota Model” addiction treatment emerged in the 1950’s, where professionals would employ a group setting, aspects of the twelve steps, counselling and peer-based support. More than 80% of the treatment options available today use this model. Many treatment centres mandate attendance at twelve-step meetings.

Pharmaceuticals

Modern healthcare was transformed by the successes in the pharmaceutical industry. Penicillin and Insulin were wildly successful. Pain management drugs and treatments of many diseases were improved. The development of Disulfram (Antabuse, 1948) for alcoholism, Methadone (1964) for heroin abuse and hundreds of other drugs emerged to treat a wide range of mental health issues. Some would argue that these new classes of drugs are open to the same abuses by addicts but the benefits to others are clearly noted.

Today’s Addict

Today’s addict has a vast assortment of options available and a variety of recovery outcomes. What works and what are the potential outcomes of each person’s choices is often unclear in the early stages of recovery. Participation in twelve-step programs remains a common thread in most addicts’ journeys and those who manage the care of addicts. With so many options available, it has become impossible to determine the most successful path. Many addicts will advocate for what they believe in and doing so adds to the confusion. Recovery has evolved but so has the addict.

The Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous

I believe that an amazing accomplishment ‘for addicts and by addicts’ is the production of the Narcotics Anonymous ‘Basic Text’ in the late 70’s and early 80’s.  You can read a long version of the story behind the creation of the book at the Upper Cumberland Area of Narcotics Anonymous website. Narcotics Anonymous experienced tremendous growth during this time. The text distilled the experiences of thousands of addicts who worked on the book.  

“for the first time in man’s entire history, a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts.” 

Basic Text, Chapter 8, ‘We Do Recover’

Narcotics Anonymous was making an impact like nothing else before. The passage below points to the spiritual nature of the program. While some may reject the word God, often the Basic Text will use ‘Higher Power’. I believe that the word God is used to convey the idea of a greater consciousness present in our lives. Agnostics and atheists have found a place in NA. Spiritualty does not equal religion.

As we become more God-reliant and gain more self-respect, we realize that we don’t need to feel superior or inferior to anyone. Our real value is in being ourselves. Our egos, once so large and dominant, now take a back seat because we are in harmony with a loving God. We find that we lead richer, happier and much fuller lives when we lose self-will.

Basic Text, Chapter 10, ‘More Will Be Revealed’

A Warning for Addicts

The Basic Text includes a warning for members of Narcotics Anonymous.

“Some will resist. However, many will become the role models for the newcomers. The self-seekers soon find that they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster for themselves.”

Basic Text, most versions, Chapter 6, ‘Tradition 2’

And another warning.

“By the same token we have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.”

Basic Text, all versions, Chapter 7, ‘Recovery and relapse’

Diversity is the strength of NA, and no one model for recovering or recovered addicts exists.

The Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous it is imperative that the group remain stable, or else the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

Basic Text, Chapter 6, ‘Tradition 1’

The connection between myself and the Fellowship has been a priority in my recovery. During the best and worst moments of my recovery, I have always found time to connect with my home group. When I read literature and see the word ‘Fellowship’ I focus on my relationship with my home group. I can disagree with how a group functions, stop attending, and join a different group. No matter how much or how little a member has, what colour their skin, their religion, what their beliefs are or if they are clean, they can join any home group. The spiritual principles of being inclusive help me in all my affairs. It benefits my home group to have many different voices. I know other NA groups exist, and we are connected by our common purpose of carrying the message to the still suffering addict. This is all the Fellowship I need.

Addict 2.0

I was surprised by a letter written to the Fellowship on March 1st, 1983 by Sally Evans, President of the Board of Trustees. The complete letter can be found here. Excerpts from the document are below.

March 1, 1983

To The Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous

Re: Changes/Deletions/Corrections in the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous

In November 1982 inacuracies were noted by the World Service Office of NA, in the basic text “Narcotics Anonymous” which was then scheduled for publication. At that time a special meeting of the Chairpersons of the three Service Branches of Narcotics Anonymous, WSC, WSB, and WSO was called. At that meeting the inaccuracies in chapter 6, involving traditions four (4) and nine (9) were corrected.

[several paragraphs not included]

We believe it was not the intention of those members of the Literature Committee who selflessly devoted 100’s of hours and $1,000’s of dollars to provide the fellowship with our book, nor those members of the Board of Trustees who personally worked on and reviewed the material, nor the fellowship who approved the book, to place the Service Structure outside the Traditions or the dictates of the fellowship.

We deeply regret the oversight and the controversy that has evolved around this material. We are, however thankful that WSO discovered these inaccuracies. To the best of our knowledge no other changes/deletions/corrections were made in the book.

In Loving Service,

Board of Trustees

Sally Evans

Chairperson, WSB

Thousands of members contributed, and tens of thousands of dollars were raised by the Literature Committee. The motion to adopt and publish the Basic Text has already been approved by the World Service Conference. I did not understand how disconnected these ‘authorities on NA’ were from the Fellowship. I learned an important lesson. Narcotics Anonymous has self-seekers who are only concerned with themselves. There are also members who remain dishonest or delusional, maintaining partial recovery and acceptance in toxic cliques. By creating a new class of addicts, the service structures have separated themselves from Fellowship. The division has invited others to take sides on what is or is not Narcotics Anonymous.   Unity can only truly exist at the level of home group for me today.

What I learned has helped me personally, and I maintain healthy boundaries. No matter what my contribution or involvement with any project in or out of NA, I must always remain honest, open-minded, and willing to question everything. I welcome discussion with others. Regardless of my opinions, I maintain a connection with an NA home group.   The principles I practice in society are the experiences I share at meetings. I remain vigilant as the disease of addiction is progressive.

We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.

First published in the Narcotics Anonymous Little White Book, 1966, ‘Who is an Addict?’

Narcotics Anonymous Suffrage

Many of us relate “suffrage” to the women’s rights movement and the abolition of slavery. There are two meanings of the word suffrage; One is the right to vote or participate. The other meaning is a short prayer (or petition) in favor of another person. Abolitionist organizations fought for the rights of women, equal rights and the end of slavery. Anti-abolitionists opposed change and fought to maintain the status quo.  Critics on both sides were vocal. The 1911 California Proposition 4 would allow women the right to vote in elections in the state. More than a million men were eligible to vote. Almost a quarter of a million men did vote, and the rights for women were won by the narrowest of margins.  Divisions are a normal part of society and so are those individuals who speak out. Narcotics Anonymous has experienced many divisions since the inception of the Fellowship in 1953. Dividing points are a natural and normal part of living. Learning to deal with division is fundamental to my recovery.

Group Conscience

The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous references the phrase “Group Conscience”.  A book titled ‘It Works How and Why’, published in 1993, offers what I think is the best definition of the phrase and how it works.

Group conscience can be thought of in much the same way as personal conscience. Group conscience reflects a collective awareness of, understanding of, and surrender to spiritual principles. The conscience of a group takes shape and is revealed when its members take the time to talk with each other about their personal needs, the needs of that group, and the needs of NA as a whole. Each member draws upon his or her relationship with a Higher Power when sharing with the group. As members listen carefully to each other and consult their personal understanding of a loving God, something happens: Solutions to problems become apparent, solutions that take into consideration the needs of everyone concerned. In developing a group conscience, a clear mutual understanding or consensus arises. Based upon the understanding gained by sharing group conscience, a group may move on to a vote in order to make decisions. In the best of circumstances, however, the group continues discussion until it reaches unanimity. The resulting solution may be so obvious that no vote is needed.

It Works How & Why. Published 1993, Tradition 2, Page 99

I find that communicating with others, connecting with the God of my own understanding and consider the needs of all of Narcotics Anonymous has given me skills that benefit all aspects of my life. Those skills allow me to enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society. I also need to accept that others see things differently from me. Being tolerant and compassionate are great skills to have in society. The idea of winning or losing is never spiritual.

Differences of Opinion

My home group signs verification papers for people who are court ordered to attend NA meetings. I have mixed feelings about this. We held a group conscience and voted in favor of signing. I do not feel so strongly that I need to leave the group and I fully support the group’s decision now despite my personal feelings. Other groups might see things differently and refuse to sign. That’s ok with me and their decision has no impact on my life.  My ability to put aside personal opinions helps me function in society. I can draw healthy boundaries. When asked by a newcomer, I try to understand both sides and offer an explanation without judgment.

Attraction and Promotion

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Tradition 11.

I try to live an honest life and share about that at meetings. Some may find something attractive that helps them. Promoting a way of life or belief can be dishonest and deceptive. Who am I trying to convince and why are questions I need to ask myself. Sometimes I find it difficult to distinguish between what is attraction and promotion. The Basic Text of NA says that some members remain abstinent but cannot enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society because of their dishonesty and self-deception. The Basic Text also says that there are self-seekers who only focus on their own needs. Everyone is welcome to attend Narcotics Anonymous. This blend of personalities is the collective vision of Narcotics Anonymous that a newcomer experiences.  I believe that diversity is our strength, and no single vision of recovery exists.

Principles and Personalities

The first edition of the Basic Text (Published in March of 1983) was altered prior to publication because of fear of what the book contained. Despite all the group consciences that approved of the writing, some members were unable to surrender to new ideas. The approved version was finally published as the Second Edition in July of 1983. This division within the Fellowship was created by fear. Manipulation and control are powerful drugs but I find I turn to them when I am afraid of change. I have lived with dishonesty until I surrendered. Some ideas require time to process before I accept them. I hold on to old ideas because they are comfortable and predictable. Sometimes I speak out about my fear or I try and promote fear so I am not alone.

In the early 1900’s, anti-abolitionists included individuals who were outspoken critics of change. Some held on to the belief in slavery or a woman’s inability to participate in society as equals to men. Strong personalities were present on both sides. Strong personalities exist in the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. Promulgators are people who proclaim rules or bring ideas into the public. Some of the ideas shared are fabrications and others are simply opinions. Those who promote falsehoods can become cult-like in their beliefs and behaviors. Fear is powerful and manipulation and control comes naturally to achieve a goal. Seeing both sides of an argument can be difficult for those who disagree and worse for those who do not understand. I often see people leave NA because of the divisions.

I like the Second Edition of the Basic Text. I believe that nothing outside of a home group can be called Narcotics Anonymous. Groups can choose whether to participate or support service bodies and events based on the Group’s conscience. The only authority I accept in NA rests with the group conscience. Somes members will create service boards or committees to put on events or accomplish tasks. It is confusing for me that they label them as Narcotics Anonymous.  The Basic Text says we have no fees, or dues, and no clean time requirements in Narcotics Anonymous. This is not always true with service efforts or events hosted by members of NA. I have a single vote on any issue that impacts Narcotics Anonymous in a home group. When I experience conflict within a group,  I have the freedom to join another home group, I can surrender or even start a new group.

I struggle with these lies presented as facts by members. A ‘global group conscience’ does not exist and would violate the Twelve Traditions but promulgators perpetuate the lie. There are many more lies shared. I ‘suffer the rage’ of hearing these lies at meetings. I also know that some perceive my opinions as lies. I do not like the divisions, but I remember that is a normal part of life on life’s terms. I can always choose to pray for another person, which is another aspect of suffrage. Prayer helps me find peace, surrender and acceptance. Participating in a home group gives me an opportunity to voice my opinions and hear from others. I try to share my experiences and not my opinions. When I focus on the  primary purpose of carrying a message to the still suffering addict, no divisions exist.

The Emancipation of Addicts

Many Alcoholics started experiencing new freedoms as Alcoholics Anonymous grew. The same was not true for addicts. The suffering of addicts seemed to be an inescapable cage. Some did attend AA meetings and a few found relief. Addicts who had found recovery believed that a new program might better suit the addicts who still suffered.  Narcotics Anonymous came from the creation of the first group in 1953. Those members believed that they could build on the success of Alcoholics Anonymous by adapting the AA Steps and Traditions.  There is a joke within Narcotics Anonymous that every new group started on a resentment. Members would disagree and leave to form new groups. Regardless of the reasons, new groups did and continue to form based on the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. There are tens of thousands of groups today.

Narcotics Anonymous Groups

Groups are the foundation of Narcotics Anonymous. Without groups, Narcotics Anonymous would not exist.  My early time attending NA was spent finding a home group that supported me, and I tried to support them. Joining a home group allowed me to develop intimate relationships. What worked for others was not always clear. Some addicts led very attractive and self-absorbed lives and others seemed to wear their defects like badges of honour. The literature says that there is no model for the recovering or recovered addict, depending on the NA literature you read.  

As members of an NA group, we have made a commitment to support one another in our recovery.  Our group’s commitment to become fully self-supporting reflects the group’s integrity, its faithfulness to its fundamental identity.  We support each other in recovery and, together, we fulfill our collective responsibilities as members of a self-supporting group.

Narcotics Anonymous, It Works How and Why, Tradition Seven, Spiritual Principles

Membership in a Fellowship

The literature says that anyone with a desire to stop using can be a member of Narcotics Anonymous. What constitutes membership is open to interpretation. Narcotics Anonymous literature warns of the ‘self-seekers’ and members who lack the honesty or self-awareness to enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society. Members who are clean can act on their addictions to people, places and things. I used to believe that members who fully participate in all that NA offers were role models. I no longer believe that.

I believe that manipulation and control is a powerful drug and that brings out the worst in people. I am careful with my words and actions because of this.  I am not a role model. I share my experiences, strengths and hopes. The disease of addiction is insidious and manifests in strange and unusual ways. I watch carefully and try to hold my opinions to myself. I always maintain healthy boundaries and rarely trust anyone. I take my own inventory.  My behaviors may constitute recovery to me but might appear as a manifestation of addiction to another.

We have found that most members who attend group meetings just aren’t interested in the “business” of N.A. As a result, a few dedicated members who are willing to do something for the group, usually have to do most of the work. It is at this point that the principle of the trusted servant comes into being. Although most addicts don’t want to help out with the work, they are at least willing to delegate this responsibility to someone else. This seems to be part of the nature of the addict.

Narcotics Anonymous, The Group Booklet, published 1976.

The Principle of the Trusted Servant

Prioritizing the needs of others, building trust, humility, empathy, listening and transparency are critical aspects of the trusted servant from my perspective. The combination is difficult to manage and requires a devotion to recovery that many might not seek. Some hear a call to serve. I have delegated my responsibilities to the care of others many times.

I have not found any solutions to the character defects that afflict me. No amount of time in recovery can lessen their impact when they are active. When I take on responsibilities, and I am entirely ready to have my Higher Power remove my defects, then I have started the process of working as a trusted servant. Complacency invites me to turn away from my responsibilities. Vigilance can bring out my ego, closing my mind to other ideas and new ways. Either way I am no longer serving, I have become entrenched in old behaviors and blind to the possibilities. My close relationships with others can be based on my defects and not spiritual principles.  I become enmeshed in cliques and cults then I lose sight of my responsibilities.  The greatest weapon in my recovery is the Home Group.

The Home Group

Our First Tradition concerns unity and our common welfare. One of the most important things about our new way of life is being a part of a group of addicts seeking recovery. Our survival is directly related to the survival of the group and of the Fellowship. To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous it is imperative that the group remain stable, or else the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Tradition One.

I often wondered how the fate of a single group could jeopardize the entire Fellowship. I see things differently now. When I think of Fellowship, I only concern myself with my home group members, other addicts I associate with, and my sponsor.  I keep my world small. I see Narcotics Anonymous growing in numbers of groups. That is enough for me. I focus on the application of spiritual principles in all my affairs and creating an atmosphere of recovery within my home group.  

Narcotics Anonymous only has a single promise, A life of freedom from active addiction. Once free, there is enormous pressure to conform to certain beliefs and ideals. These toxic groups can quickly become cult-like and form cliques. Freedom from the stigma of being an addict is my greatest achievement. I try to not conform to any ideas or beliefs. I can enjoy complete recovery and acceptance within society. I am no longer chained to my past behaviors and can explore new connections in and out of NA. Freedom comes with a price and that is the responsibilities. For me it starts with a Home Group and The Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I can think of no greater place for a suffering addict to be than at my Home Group and I hope you feel the same.

The Gift of Desperation

Studying Narcotics Anonymous literature is a fundamental tool for any addict seeking a solution to their disease.  NA has a long history of powerful literature, written and tested by addicts. ‘Our Symbol’ is one of the most beautiful pieces of literature that I have read.  First published in ‘The NA Tree’ in 1975, it was written by a founding member of Narcotics Anonymous and included in the first section of the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, published in 1981.    

Wholly or Fully Recovered

My favorite quote from ‘Our Symbol’ is – “the outer circle denotes a universal and total program that has room within for all manifestations of the recovering and wholly recovered person”.

Narcotics Anonymous, ‘Our Symbol’, First published in the NA Tree, 1975, Line 4.

In the Basic Text is another phrase that speaks about recovery – “We can never fully recover, no matter how long we stay clean”.

Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7 ‘Recovery and Relapse’

I wondered at the difference between a “fully recovered addict” and a “wholly recovered addict”. Research shows that “wholly” is preferred when you want to emphasize the total and complete nature of something without reservations. “Wholly” offers a dedication to a particular idea or action more so than “fully”.  

Last House on the Block

Narcotics Anonymous was the last house on the block for me. I felt uncomfortable in Alcoholics Anonymous, I could not afford treatment, and I did not see a path forward in the life that I was living. In N.A., I was willing to try anything, talk about everything and experience any feeling. I was desperate for a solution. My companions were other addicts who shared their experiences and offered their support. I believe the ‘gift of desperation’ equates to the “wholly recovered addict”. In contrast, “fully recovered” is an unreachable destination.  Wholly recovered is a state of being. I was wholly committed to whatever was asked of me despite my fears.

Goodwill is best exemplified in service and proper service is “Doing the right thing for the right reason.” When this supports and motivates both the individual and the Fellowship, we are fully whole and wholly free.

‘Our Symbol’, 1975, last two lines.

Today, recovery has become a convenience store of products with a lot more choices available to suffering addicts. Narcotics Anonymous has become a commodity. I hear addicts sharing at NA meetings that they are ‘committed to trying a particular treatment center again’, ‘working the steps in therapy this time’, and ‘making sure they get to that wonderful AA meeting on Tuesday nights’. I am confused by experiences of others today. Parking lot discussions seem to be about distractions from life on life’s terms.  There used to be discussions focused on NA, on our primary purpose.  I want to talk about our primary purpose and the application of spiritual principles daily in all my affairs.

On the bright side, today many N.A. members have long terms of complete abstinence and are better able to help the newcomer. Their attitude, based in the spiritual values of our Steps and Traditions, is the dynamic force bringing increase and unity to our program. Now we know that the time has come when that tired old lie, “Once an addict always an addict,” will no longer be tolerated by either society or the addict himself. We do recover.

Narcotics Anonymous Little White Book, published in 1966

Desperation

The idea of “‘wholly recovered” was removed from our literature by the publishers.  I no longer feel as welcome as I used to be. The desperation is gone, and I find myself attracted to the complacency of many addicts. Maybe I should relax and have fun, but instead I feel a sense of sadness. The last house on the block is torn down, replaced with a convenience store that has me thinking about living off-grid again. Therein lies the problem.

A desperate addict will do anything for Narcotics Anonymous because they are out of options. Therein lies the solution.  

Did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

Pink Floyd, ‘Wish You Were Here’ song

Embracing Narcotics Anonymous: Lessons for Lasting Recovery

Chapter five of the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, titled “What Can I do?” has been critical to my recovery these last ten years. I had a significant shift in my beliefs about what it means to be in recovery. The Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text Chapter eight says ‘We Do Recover’, but what does that mean for me and what do I do when I recover? The drugs stopped being a problem a long time ago. I have learned from other members that addiction runs much deeper than the use of drugs. Tradition three asks us to have a desire to stop using. Not using comes first in my recovery. Some believe that Tradition Three only refers to drug use, but I see things differently. I am vigilant in my recovery and carefully look at all my behaviors. When I ‘need a meeting’ I am using Narcotics Anonymous like I used drugs. I believe there is a difference between using and active addiction.  Most of the time I go to meetings to ‘help others’. It is important to me know where I am, what brought me there and what I can do to be of service to others. NA helps me to shift my thinking away from using and self-obsession.

Stop Using.

Chapter five of the Second Edition of the Basic Text starts with the following line;

The first step to recovery is to stop using.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Five, first sentence

My drug use brought me to Narcotics Anonymous. Other issues with my addiction have surfaced as the years have gone by. I did not realize the full extent of the problems when I first arrived.  My higher power unfolded awareness of how I used as I was able to handle reality.  Narcotics Anonymous has no opinions on outside issues, but I do. Today, I have opinions about what constitutes using and ideas about what recovery looks like.

I maintain healthy boundaries and I am careful with who I spend time with, particularly in recovery circles. I still struggle with wanting to use and with my character defects. I am fortunate to have a strong support group in and out of the fellowship.  I will work with anyone who wants to carry a message about NA regardless of my feelings about them by putting aside my defects.  

Lose the Desire to Use.

There is space between stopping using and learning a new way to live. Between the two is when we lose the desire to use according to the literature.

What is our message? That an addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.

Basic Text, Chapter Six, Tradition Five

This process has been repeated regularly in my recovery. I remember when I smoked cigarettes. I tried quitting for almost ten years. I would often come to NA to pick up tobacco again. I believe an addict who wants to use can easily find using addicts. We seem drawn to each other. Not everyone would agree that smoking is addictive or a problem. I need to carefully consider who I surround myself with. My relationships form the basis of my reality.

One of the problems is that we found it easier to change our perception of reality. We must give up this old concept and face the fact that reality and life go on whether we choose to accept them or not. We can only change the way we react and the way we see ourselves. This is necessary for us to accept that change is gradual and recovery is an ongoing process.

Basic Text, Chapter 5

I tried to be a part of the complex social and service structures that surround Narcotics Anonymous. I visited people I had no business associating with. I used people and the people I often used were using as well. I was desperate for connection and to feel loved.  I look back and feel like a parasite. I find it difficult to identify the behaviours associated with using. Step 10 helps me daily. Today I hear addicts who ‘need a meeting’ and it sounds like going is a fix from the dope dealer. I am glad they made it to a meeting. I have felt that way many times but less today. If they do not have a desire to stop, then my experiences are worthless. The sought after connections I craved came about after I surrendered. My life is incredibly rich and diverse with friends and support today.

Navigating the fellowships is challenging. I see hundreds of locals at a convention for the entire weekend, but a small percentage are willing to complete simple commitments to be of service. Some of those who are committed to service have problems with control. Manipulation and control are the most powerful drugs in my opinion.

Having a desire to stop using begins when I make that decision to attend a meeting to help others rather than help myself. Narcotics Anonymous is not a smorgasbord of options where I pick and choose my responsibilities. An ultimate authority governs my choices and I choose to the best of my ability. The time between when I stop using and losing the desire to use can be painful. Life does not always feel fair. I am painfully lonely at times but the cost of using is too high. Using holds no solutions for me today.

Learn a New Way to Live.

Practicing these principles in all my affairs is the best option for learning a new way to live. I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society. The danger is dishonesty and self-deception because I am prone to poor thinking. I have a home group and participate freely with all members. It keeps me accountable and surrounds me with the unconditional love needed for my ongoing recovery and the recovery of others. I love to hike, so I join a hiking club because that is the club’s primary purpose. I practice principles when I participate. I am passionate about volunteering, so I join non-profit organizations. The experiences learned are what I bring to Narcotics Anonymous now. When things do not go well, I do not get high over it. I can share the lessons learned so that others do not have to make the same mistakes. I love to share my experience in Narcotics Anonymous with the people my Higher Power puts in my life.

The Two Faces of Anonymity 

‘Anonymity’ is often heard in NA. I hear a lot of opinion but not as much experience about anonymity. Some addicts jump on the ‘personal anonymity’ bandwagon and share their opinions. Others discuss their opinions on ‘anonymity at the level of press, radio and film’.  I do not hear as much on ‘anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions’. For me, anonymity has two faces; what I experience and what the world sees.  

Our Principles Ahead of My Personality 

I love that our Basic Text has a chapter titled, “We Do Recover”.  In the Basic Text, Chapter 7, Recovery and Relapse, it warns, ‘We have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.’ 

I love to participate in recovery and talk with members. I stack chairs or co-host virtual meetings with a great deal of love for this new way of life. What I no longer do is hang out with people in recovery. I tried for a long time. I do not have good skills that make relationships easy.  I have difficulties seeing the dishonesty and deceptions maintained by some members. I also need to be wary of these within myself.  Addiction is not just about drugs and affects all aspects of my life.  I believe that is true for all addicts. I avoid the toxic cliques and cult behaviors of some members. Some people use Fellowship like they used drugs.  I am not here to use. I want to help others find what I have found.  

Local service to NA is difficult where I live. I have tried to stay involved with delivering meeting lists locally for about ten years with no success. My personality will not allow some members to put principles first. Today, I practice principles with people outside of NA, as well. Narcotics Anonymous communities can become a repository for the dishonest and deceptive. Where else can addicts feel comfortable using? I remain vigilant because I see that I can be guilty of this.   

My world has improved. Healthy practice of spiritual principles is not exclusive to NA. I am fortunate to enjoy a rich life of service away from the local fellowship. My teachers are now kind, compassionate and generous members of society. My anonymity means they treat me at face value without the judgement I sometimes experience in NA. Once people know me, I can talk about recovery. They often accept me as the person I am today, not what I was in the past.  

The Spiritual Foundation of NA 

Anonymity for Narcotics Anonymous is critical. NA is relatively unknown to most of society. Anonymity does not mean we remain unknown. Anonymity means that what people learn is not opinions but facts. We are a Fellowship who meet regularly to help each other. This is a ‘help others’ program, not a self-help program. This fact seems lost to some members.  
Anyone can be a part of NA if they have a desire to stop using.  Groups are autonomous and governed by the conscience of the members of that group. I believe if anyone shows up regularly, with a desire to stop using, and a willingness to be a part of, they will enjoy great success in this new way of life. This new way of life includes carrying the message to other suffering addicts.  

I do a lot of research in my writing about NA and volunteering in addictions and mental health organizations. I estimate that about five percent of the population is in recovery. Where I live the population of addicts in recovery is about eighteen thousand based on a population of four hundred thousand. Most addicts struggle alone. Very few attend NA.  They are simply unaware of what this simple program has to offer.  

NA could be doing a much better job of carrying the message, in my opinion. I believe that it would benefit my recovery and my freedom to have a wider base, so I am passionate about Public Information. This was proven to me by the explosion of online NA during the COVID Pandemic. I have found tremendous support and compassion online. I have a higher level of freedom today, as a result.  

Tradition Twelve in the Basic Text offers fifteen lines of text that are so important to our Fellowship.  I love this phrase, ‘The spiritual foundation becomes more important than any one particular group or individual’. 

My addict screams for attention. Every opportunity to be seen, heard or acknowledged feeds my disease. My experience is that by joining together with other addicts I stand the best chance of staying clean today.  I balance my needs against the needs of a home group, by putting the needs of the group first. Anonymity ensures ‘We’ becomes more important than me.  

Home Group Devotional

Narcotics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous has no pledges to sign and no promises to make. Some members may not find relief from using drugs immediately, but I have seen that happen countless times at my home group. There are no membership fees, and I am free to come and go as I please. I have learned that my personal recovery depends on unity with others, like me, who have struggled with drug addiction. I accept that I have a desire to stop using, and I seek a new way to live. This motivates me daily.  That way includes the support of others and a commitment to helping other addicts who struggle with their addiction. My experience is that it is best done within a Home Group. This Fellowship is all encompassing, and anyone can join my Home Group. My commitment to my Home Group is a devotion; a loyalty and love that knows no bounds.

Meet Regularly to Help Each Other

The Narcotics Anonymous literature says we meet regularly to help each other. This is a Fellowship that provides the unconditional love and experiences of other members like myself. We meet often enough to serve my needs and the needs of others.  I am neither too big nor too small to find a place here. Everything in Narcotics Anonymous that occurs outside of my Home Group is not of my concern. I have learned to trust my higher power care for my life and the lives of others. My ideas, big and small, have a home here in my home group. With the support of a Group Conscience, I can achieve great things. Good ideas that have not found their right time and bad ideas too, will fall away. It helps me put everything in perspective outside of Narcotics Anonymous when I am in society. The practical application of spiritual principles within a group allows me to function outside the group.

Powerful Addictions

I believe today that the most powerful addiction affecting me is manipulation and control. I participate in a Narcotics Anonymous Home Group for help and to help.  I learn to balance my recovery with the recovery of others. I learn the importance of having a secretary record our decisions accurately so that the will of the Group stays ahead of the will of an individual. I see how important it is to have a treasurer who manages our funds carefully to sustain the group and carry a message to the still suffering addict. My group lives or dies by the decisions we make, and how we support ourselves. No one will pay our bills if we are frivolous, and addicts will die if they do not know we are here. Sometimes my home group will try and work with others. We send a trusted servant who can carry our collective will to achieve some goal. We are also able to walk away from any situation that jeopardizes our unity, our autonomy and our collective freedom. Strong personalities do not fare well within a group and sometimes a group struggles to grow because of this. These lessons help me when I am outside the group participating in society or working with other groups.

WCNA#38

I recently attended an event known as the World Convention of NA #38 because of the generosity of others. It was a powerful display. I heard many members with powerful experiences and strong opinions speak either at the podium or in private conversations. I was overwhelmed with emotion to meet up with home group members who were able to attend. I hugged each of them and wept openly. My life depends on these people more than Narcotics Anonymous will ever understand. The joy was indescribable.

I was saddened to hear the Executive Director of the NAWS corporation speak of willfully using Narcotics Anonymous funds to pursue his personal agenda. Theft should never be taken lightly. It was upsetting to hear him speak of being pushed to the point of violence when confronted with words. Violence is the language of the ignorant. I hope he returns to his home group and finds acceptance and unconditional love.

Apparently, the convention will lose money. My hope is that those groups who supported this event will learn an important lesson.  It is unfortunate that such a small number of groups support the World Service Conference, and the NAWS corporation because they bear full responsibility for the loss. The worst part for me is the lending of the ‘Narcotics Anonymous’ name to these outside enterprises.   Overdue bills and the behaviors of those outside of Narcotics Anonymous damages our reputation when associated with NA. Better care should be the lesson learned when assigning a Home Group’s responsibilities to a service structure. Fortunately, Narcotics Anonymous has become so large that the loss of the World Service Conference, The NAWS corporation, any service structure or groups will not affect Narcotics Anonymous as a whole.

Groups May Create Service Boards and Committees

When a group gives authority to an outside enterprise, they create the perfect opportunity for our sickest members to govern. Great care should be taken when assigning any responsibilities and accountabilities. The actions of our trusted servants should always be taken with great humility.

Self-Obsession

Self-Obsession is the Core of Our Disease.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd edition, Chapter 5 ’What Can I Do?’, line 38.

The title of this blog is a line from the Basic Text and this information changed everything for me. My understanding did not come overnight but over time. It was a slow progression that changed my life to the one I lead today. To the best of my ability, I have learned to live, moment to moment. There is a balance I work hard to maintain, like a hiker moving forward, carefully testing each step. Regardless of the terrain, each step forward is part of a journey and when I lose focus on the moment, I tend to fall. Sometimes the terrain is difficult and sometimes not but when I lose focus, I can find myself lying on the ground, having encountered some unseen root or stone.  Equally important is the path I take because self-obsession is always present. That is the critical role that the Traditions play in my life. The Traditions have become as important as the Steps for me. Without the Twelve Traditions, self-obsession can be the core of my recovery. The Twelve Traditions are truly the ties that bind us together.

A Using Addict Attracts Addicts Who Are Using.

I first started to notice the impact that self-obsession played on my life when I had over a year clean. Time and time again I would find myself struggling with some decision or dealing with some feeling that was entirely based on the impact it would have on my life. I would be angry and pout because my family wanted to go shopping at the mall, which I hated. The division of chores in our household seemed unfair. I often felt like I worked harder than my coworkers and lacked the recognition I deserved. The awareness did not always lead to change. I found it difficult to stop using people, places and things. When I was able to stop, I often felt a deep sense of loss. Maintaining a desire to stop using required effort. Eventually I was able to listen and learn from others a new way to live. Sometimes the distance from stopping using to learning a new way to live was measured in years.  Smoking cigarettes was a problem for me, and it took a decade to finally stop. I needed to walk away from the cluster of smoking addicts at every meeting I attended.  I wanted to be popular and well liked but a using addict hangs with addicts that are using.  I was finally able to surrender my addiction to Fellowship. I had grown co-dependent on Narcotics Anonymous as a social club. My awareness of the disease is critical to my success. Every day I am faced with challenges and my sense of entitlement marches along in step.

Help Others Program

My circle of friends and support is smaller today than previous. I am weary of the abusive nature of addicts. Even within a Home Group I find addicts consumed with self-interest.  I am not interested in treatment centers and the focus on character defects and character development. Self-obsession is the natural progression of addicts without the 12 Traditions. Narcotics Anonymous has instilled in me a sense of love for myself and that came from experiencing the unconditional love of the Fellowship. I seek a true Fellowship of addicts with a desire to stop using. I know of no other method of showing gratitude than the selfless expression of my time and energy. Each time I surrender, I lose nothing but a false sense that my needs might be met. My reliance is on the God of my understanding to put me where I need to be. I learned a lot of this from applying the Twelve Traditions in a Home Group. I am less afraid, and I have better focus on the tasks at hand. NA is where I serve. I take responsibility for all aspects of my recovery. I am less concerned with being served. I know of no other way to live with the disease of addiction than the NA way. We meet regularly to help each other. NA is not a self-help program but is primarily a help others program.   

The Promulgator of Narcotics Anonymous

My wife and I discussed cults when I first started attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings. One of her coworkers had attended the NA Fellowship and assured my wife that NA was not a cult and the people I was connecting with were good people. I used to live with a lot of social anxiety and fear dominated my world. I tentatively started to explore Narcotics Anonymous and all that was available. I noticed that suggestions seemed to be presented as facts. ‘Do the Steps or Die!!’ sounded like a rule when I was new. I have found that expressing opinions has become a natural progression of both the disease and my recovery. Sometimes I share ideas about ‘how things are done’, and sometimes I simply like the sound of my own voice.  A promulgator is someone who announces a code of law. It gets easier as the years go by to have opinions and express them. I no longer find it helpful. One of my favorite definitions of a cult and source of the word promulgator;

‘Cult – a system for the cure of disease based on dogma set forth by its promulgator’

Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary

Experienced Members

I have ideas about what works and what does not. Sometimes my ideas are helpful and accurate, but I have learned that I cannot deny other people the same lessons I learned. Doing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons has opened my eyes to new solutions and a better understanding of honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. Our literature talks about this subject.

Sharing with fellow addicts is a basic tool in our Program. This help can only come from another addict. It is help that says, “I have had something like that happen to me, and I did this….” For anyone who wants our way of life, we share experience, strength and hope instead of preaching and judging. If sharing the experience of our pain helps just one person, it will have been worth the suffering. We strengthen our own recovery when we share it with others who ask for help. If we keep what we have to share, we lose it. Words mean nothing until we put them into action.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter Five, ‘What Can I Do’

The critical ideas that I take from this paragraph are that we avoid ‘preaching and judging’. I also need to understand when someone is asking for help. The most important part of recovery for me today is humility and that requires that I share experiences rather than opinions. My opinions are based on complacency, the enemy of members with clean time. My actions are critical to my success.

Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual, not religious program. Any clean addict is a miracle, and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender and growth. For an addict, not using is an abnormal state. We learn to live clean. We learn to be honest with ourselves and think of both sides of things. Decision-making is rough at first. Before we got clean, most of our actions were guided by impulse. Today, we are not locked into this type of thinking. We are free.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter Eight, ‘We Do Recover’

Living in an Abnormal State

It is uncomfortable being in an abnormal state of not using but today I have adjusted. I am approaching twenty-two years in the program. I do have experiences to share but I also have a lot of unnecessary dogma. Separating the two is challenging. I ‘use’ my clean time to try to enforce rules rather than explaining the experiences that brought me to my understanding. Listening to both sides of the same argument over and over can be boring and frustrating. I cannot be the whole program to any individual. Doing the work means I participate in service and talk with members. I cannot take responsibility for your recovery. The things that I find attractive about recovery you might find repulsive. I find recovery is about helping others but for some, it is simply helping themselves.

I am free today and I want you to be free as well. Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual program. Sometimes I behave like NA is a religion or a cult. I believe in the dogma and surround myself with like-minded members. Little cliques of experienced members were scary in the beginning but now I understand that many are self-seekers with little concern for others. Some days I pretend I am in recovery and create my own little cliques to protect myself from reality. I feel safe when I am a part of even if it’s for the wrong reasons. I am always seeking a balance between taking responsibility and participating for my recovery.

Events and Conventions

I feel the urge to go to events and conventions and pretend I am carrying the message rather than participate in carrying the message. The reality is that the world is full of people I neither like nor agree with. The best place for me to find recovery is in the diversity of my Home Group. I have friends and enemies in a healthy home group. This is the best representation of Fellowship that I can experience and a source of strength. The strength of those relationships is what I take into the world that exists outside of NA. I learn to take responsibility for my actions. I also participate in group consciousness at every business meeting for my home group. I participate in the atmosphere of recovery when I attend meetings regularly at my home group. What I learn I can carry to other groups I attend and in all my relationships.

Home Group

I will make sure that my Home Group is available to any addict seeking recovery. I distribute meeting lists and monitor how many newcomers attend each meeting. A count of the number of newcomers and people coming back are the only attendance records my group keeps. Actions form the basis of my recovery and are the actions I take with me in my relationships outside of NA. Today, I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society, exactly as our literature promises.

The Smoking Addict

I was glad when I came to NA that I could stand outside a meeting and smoke cigarettes. It was fun to be a part of and connect with other addicts. I first started attending meetings in 2002, in British Columbia, Canada. Sometimes we would joke with each other about ‘using’ cigarettes and have a conversation about nicotine addiction. There was always a person who would point out that Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on smoking and it was not considered a drug. We would laugh and tease each other. I felt a sense of connection with smokers. Some members were clearly not ready to stop smoking. Some members were clear that smoking was something they were not willing to even consider as an addiction. I loved to smoke so I could understand. I was a happy smoker for many years.

Quitting Smoking

I continued to smoke for about 10 years after I found Narcotics Anonymous. I saw it as an addiction. I would stop using, but I did not lose the desire to stop right away, and I returned to the habit time and time again. Sometimes, my first cigarette was after a meeting. I was finally able to stop using cigarettes, lose the desire to use and I learned a new way to live. One tool that was valuable was walking past the smokers after leaving the meeting. I found it difficult to maintain my recovery while hanging with people who used. It was lonely at first, and sometimes it still is. Sometimes I watch the smokers and wonder how nice it would be to be a part of again. Once I made the commitment to being a non-smoker, my life got easier and I found new friends.

Quitting Other Addictions

In 2018 I went to my last convention. Quitting conventions was not as difficult. I just tired of using NA meetings and events as a social club. Using NA was a symptom of my disease. A using addict attracts addicts who are using. The literature talks about using people, places, and things. I stopped getting involved in Fellowship service structures as well. Manipulation and control are powerful drugs. I’m not surprised by the small turnout of members for service in some places.  Some service committees are quite healthy. I watch for well attended committees as one symptom of health. Once I expanded the concept of using from drugs to all aspects of living, it became increasingly difficult to hang with people who are using. I see members who ‘need’ a meeting, like it’s a fix. Some members return again and again to service positions never seeing the destruction they cause. Making the transition to enjoying complete recovery and acceptance in society was the most difficult process of recovery. I need to completely abandon dishonesty and self-deception each day. Today my new life feels not only possible but enjoyable. I maintain boundaries today. I love helping and giving back in and out of the Fellowship. NA has taught me a new way to live.

Virtual NA

The COVID pandemic was an amazing opportunity to be of service and help others. I feel like I have learned so much these last few years. I love attending NA meetings and I participate in two home groups. I find myself attending more meetings than ever. It is very important to continue my online life and I also support the local recovery community. The number of people who support me has grown and connecting with healthy addicts has been beneficial to my recovery. I seek out those members who still have a desire to stop using. Clean time is inconsequential and almost seems detrimental. The longer I am clean I find I am prone to putting my opinion ahead of the experience of others.  I learn valuable lessons about the practice of spiritual principles with the support of others who are also trying to stop using. Spiritual principles are not exclusive to NA members. My support group grows constantly.

A Good Home Group

I love a good home group.  I know that we meet regularly to help each other. It is a unique part of NA where addicts can carry a message to newcomers and support each other. I show up with a good attitude and I’m open to new ideas where I can help. I also ask for help quicker than ever before. What I avoid are the members who are using or have no desire to help. I must accept that is where some people are at. I try not to be judgmental, but a good dose of judgement keeps me in recovery and not influenced by other people’s behaviors.   Someone reminded me that ‘we are sick people’ and I remind myself that includes me. I needed to lower my expectations of members. The safest place for me to be is in my home group and if it is not safe, I can find another group. I’m loved and accepted for who I am regardless of how the disease affects my life today.