recovery – One Addicts Experience

Money, Property and Prestige?

I have recently experienced a couple situations that got me thinking about Narcotics Anonymous and money. I should change the word thinking to pondering. I was taught not to overthink things and keep it simple. I guess that is my reason to ponder more because I am seeing things done in Narcotics Anonymous that are different than what I was taught. Change happens but some of these changes feel wrong.

A Change In The Way Recovery Is Administered

I was always taught by my predecessors that we should not collect more money than we need. And that money we do collect needs to be used responsibly. Early on in my recovery I found this to be simple. I was taught to put my 7th Tradition contribution in the basket and participate in my homegroup to discuss and determine how those funds are used. What is sent to the area for services like H&I, Public Information and most importantly how the area serves the groups. Then funds can be sent to the region to help support the areas. Sounds easy enough right? Not so much anymore. Over the past few years, I have seen a change in the way recovery is administered to people coming in the doors. I see changes in group spending. I see changes in area funds and how they are collected. I see and hear folks talk about and doing fundraising for everything.

Groups

So, let’s start with groups. I understand that groups are autonomous to make their own decisions. I just get uncomfortable when I see groups throw big BBQs and food parties at the group level using funds from the 7th Tradition basket. I even saw a group take the 7th Tradition funds and separate it into two pots of money. One pot was used for what I was taught we use 7th Tradition funds for. Things like rent, coffee, literature. The other pot was used for special activities like BBQs. The food and venue would be paid for using 7th Tradition funds. Then the two pots of money would be shifted back and forth depending on what event was happening and how much money was needed to throw a free party. Holding a speaker meeting at the party was claimed to be “carrying the message.” My teaching was meetings are where the recovery begins and is learned. If I attend a group activity, I pay my own way by buying a ticket and help with the event. Sure, parties are fun, but I would prefer to supply every person with literature instead of charging for the books. (When I came in, I was so sick I did not understand why I needed literature, but I saw that everyone had it, so I stole my first book.) Today I understand the lifesaving nature of literature and the need to read and study it. (And I clearly do not understand why a homegroups needs their own t-shirts. But that may be a story for another day.) We do not need parties to stay clean. We need to be taught about recovery and as you progress and stay clean the parties and conventions will come.

Conventions

I am an experienced person in many levels and types of service. I am grateful that I was taught service very early on and it is a powerful tool to stay clean. I have always been good with convention committees. I enjoy seeing people learn to have fun and stay clean. (I connected getting loaded to having fun. Didn’t think it was possible clean) Lately I feel myself getting a bad taste for conventions. I recently served on a convention committee that had $75,000 left after all the bills had been paid. (This convention makes that same excess every year.) As I watched the money coming in my stomach rumbled. My gut was reacting to charging money for a ticket for every single activity that was held at the convention. (registration, merchandise, dinner, breakfast, dances, comedians, raffles, etc.) When I suggested doing the dance and comedians at no cost the committee looked at me like I had horns. How could I suggest such a horrible thing? (A donation fund for newcomers is always set up at this convention and those newcomer funds are never fully spent.) What is wrong with doing events at no cost when the convention is left with so much overage in funds? Instead, at the end of the convention we are arguing over what to do with the excess money. I see money from conventions, retreats, campouts, etc. being given to other areas and events instead of reducing things like registration fees. To me conventions and activities are special events we do but we are still responsible to be self-supporting. These events are done in the name of Narcotics Anonymous but are not Narcotics Anonymous. Many people disagree with me on that point. For me it comes down to staying clean. If I never attend another special event or convention, I will stay clean by using the tools. My recovery is not based on my attendance at conventions.

Grandiosity

I guess I see more grandiosity than I feel is needed. Let’s get back to keeping it simple. I am still an avid attendee at meetings and prefer literature studies. I still participate in service in many ways. Service has saved me more than once. I will continue to serve and discuss issues that do not sit well with my sponsor. I will try to be part of the solution. I can disagree but will not participate where I feel conflict with group or committee practices. I will pick more closely what I feel is the best option for the most.

The Cabals of Narcotics Anonymous

Cabals

When I first came to Narcotics Anonymous, I smoked tobacco cigarettes. I started when I was twelve years old. Using tobacco was more rebellion than a serious commitment at that age. Addiction developed progressively as I grew older and by eighteen, I was a full-time cigarette smoker. I tried to quit several times. I continued to smoke for about ten years after coming to NA. I loved the social aspects of smoking especially when I stood outside of a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I was so lonely, and socializing became a drug. Often my relapse from trying to quit smoking was at an NA meeting. There were a lot of members willing to help me relapse. Talking to members who continued to smoke was insightful. I have a better understanding today of my obsession and compulsion to use, and I am grateful I was able to quit smoking. A cabal is a group of individuals with a vested interest in promoting an idea. When I got clean it was very popular to stop for a smoke break at the halfway point in the meeting. Some members fought very hard to keep this practice alive. There was nothing spiritual about their desire from my perspective. Some meetings continue the practice today. What other groups do is none of my business. It is also not the business of my home group, or of NA, as a whole.

Our Way of Life

I was taught early in recovery is what unites us as a Fellowship is the desire to stop using. I try and keep an awareness of that desire by looking at my thoughts and behaviors daily. I am happy to be free of cigarettes and understand that not everyone makes that choice. Addition takes many forms. Early attempts at writing literature must have been full of conflicting viewpoints. I love to study the rich history of Narcotics Anonymous and the evolution of literature. Everyone has opinions about what is or is not recovery and what constitutes using. My understanding of Narcotics Anonymous is expressed in early literature.

Banded together in groups, or sometimes alone, we aim to help fellow users recover health. Not being reformers, we offer our experience only to those who want it. There are no fees – N.A. is a vocation. Each member squares his debt of gratitude by helping other addicts to recover. In so doing he maintains his own freedom from the habit.
Our Way of Life, An introduction to NA, Cleveland Narcotics Anonymous, 1963.

Reformers

Reformers want to make changes. I find it difficult to not form opinions about what works or does not work. Complacency is the enemy of members with clean time and I believe that the progression is natural. My opinions can be destructive to unity, but I may persist in expressing a viewpoint. I try to deny people the experiences that they may need. Shared opinions help to create a cult-like environment. I find that some members are willing to promote opinions about Narcotics Anonymous. One definition of a cult is when cabals promote imaginary rules about the treatment of a disease. Narcotics Anonymous is not a cult despite the efforts of some members. NA has no opinion about smoking tobacco, but it has clear ideas about using, dishonesty and self-deception.

We operate in an atmosphere of complete acceptance and respect for one another’s beliefs. We try to avoid the arrogance of self-righteousness, because it is one of the deadliest forms of self-deception. Even though we avoid pushing any ideas on anyone, we do suggest, strongly, that each person make an honest attempt to find a Power greater than themselves.
Grey Book, Memphis Tennessee Draft, dated February 15^th, 1981. Chapter 4 – “Step 12”.

The Narcotics Anonymous literature says that there are self-seekers (people who put their own needs ahead of Fellowship). The literature says we meet regularly to help each other but the truth is that some only meet to help themselves. We also have members who remain abstinent but continue to act on old behaviors.

Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Grey Book, Memphis Tennessee Draft, Chapter 7 “Recovery and Relapse”, preamble.

Cabals seem to form from the self-seekers, dishonest and self-deception of members. I’m ok with having my own ideas about recovery but acting with other members to manipulate the truth is a whole different level of addiction.

The Home Group

Critical to my recovery is a commitment to a Home Group. I can pick my friends, but I try not to control who joins my home group. The diversity of a home group benefits my recovery. The unconditional love we offer each other is the foundation of any home group I have ever supported. The worst examples of recovery also have a place in my Home Group. I benefit from being inclusive and so does my group. Some days I am the worst example of recovery. Hearing a shared experience is what wakes me up to reality. Connecting with reality shows how I have been using behaviors or holding on to old ideas. Those awakenings can occur slowly as I continue to attend. I find that a newcomer will add a better perspective than someone who has been attending regularly. I can become blind to the disease and my perspective is altered by the company I keep. Newcomers refresh our Fellowship with new ideas.

The Traditions make sense

My experience is that sometimes I need to change home groups. This can be a win win situation when the dynamics become intolerable. My personality ahead of the principles of a group or cabal. I can take my opinions and experiences and move on to another group. A healthy group is not dictated by the demands of a single member or cabal. Narcotics Anonymous Tradition Two; “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience.” There are no rules and no governing bodies. Groups, like individuals, vary greatly. I do not recognize any version of Narcotics Anonymous beyond the Group level. The Traditions make sense to me when I only consider Groups as NA. I see a Fellowship that is structure free. Groups only benefit from trusted servants when the servants do not govern. Lending the NA name to conventions, service bodies and any enterprise promotes the self interest of the enterprise and as such, a cabal is created. A group trying a new idea can result in other groups benefiting from the experience. We ought not be organized as organizations require rules and can be corrupted by the cabals of NA.

Self-Obsession

Self-Obsession is the Core of Our Disease.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2^nd edition, Chapter 5 ’What Can I Do?’, line 38.

The title of this blog is a line from the Basic Text and this information changed everything for me. My understanding did not come overnight but over time. It was a slow progression that changed my life to the one I lead today. To the best of my ability, I have learned to live, moment to moment. There is a balance I work hard to maintain, like a hiker moving forward, carefully testing each step. Regardless of the terrain, each step forward is part of a journey and when I lose focus on the moment, I tend to fall. Sometimes the terrain is difficult and sometimes not but when I lose focus, I can find myself lying on the ground, having encountered some unseen root or stone. Equally important is the path I take because self-obsession is always present. That is the critical role that the Traditions play in my life. The Traditions have become as important as the Steps for me. Without the Twelve Traditions, self-obsession can be the core of my recovery. The Twelve Traditions are truly the ties that bind us together.

A Using Addict Attracts Addicts Who Are Using.

I first started to notice the impact that self-obsession played on my life when I had over a year clean. Time and time again I would find myself struggling with some decision or dealing with some feeling that was entirely based on the impact it would have on my life. I would be angry and pout because my family wanted to go shopping at the mall, which I hated. The division of chores in our household seemed unfair. I often felt like I worked harder than my coworkers and lacked the recognition I deserved. The awareness did not always lead to change. I found it difficult to stop using people, places and things. When I was able to stop, I often felt a deep sense of loss. Maintaining a desire to stop using required effort. Eventually I was able to listen and learn from others a new way to live. Sometimes the distance from stopping using to learning a new way to live was measured in years. Smoking cigarettes was a problem for me, and it took a decade to finally stop. I needed to walk away from the cluster of smoking addicts at every meeting I attended. I wanted to be popular and well liked but a using addict hangs with addicts that are using. I was finally able to surrender my addiction to Fellowship. I had grown co-dependent on Narcotics Anonymous as a social club. My awareness of the disease is critical to my success. Every day I am faced with challenges and my sense of entitlement marches along in step.

Help Others Program

My circle of friends and support is smaller today than previous. I am weary of the abusive nature of addicts. Even within a Home Group I find addicts consumed with self-interest. I am not interested in treatment centers and the focus on character defects and character development. Self-obsession is the natural progression of addicts without the 12 Traditions. Narcotics Anonymous has instilled in me a sense of love for myself and that came from experiencing the unconditional love of the Fellowship. I seek a true Fellowship of addicts with a desire to stop using. I know of no other method of showing gratitude than the selfless expression of my time and energy. Each time I surrender, I lose nothing but a false sense that my needs might be met. My reliance is on the God of my understanding to put me where I need to be. I learned a lot of this from applying the Twelve Traditions in a Home Group. I am less afraid, and I have better focus on the tasks at hand. NA is where I serve. I take responsibility for all aspects of my recovery. I am less concerned with being served. I know of no other way to live with the disease of addiction than the NA way. We meet regularly to help each other. NA is not a self-help program but is primarily a help others program.

Actions of My Obsessions

I find that the most difficult aspect of the disease of addiction is obsessive thoughts. The obsessions combined with compulsive behaviors fueled many strange and unusual situations in my life. I believe that attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings finally broke the cycle of acting on compulsive behaviors. I found freedom by listening to others and sharing my experiences. Today I can identify my thoughts and choose to act differently. I still suffer from the disease of addiction but I did not have to act on every impulsive behavior. I see that the actions of my obsessions is using. I have heard many addicts share that first we stop using, then we lose the desire to use, and finally achieve a new way to live. I realized the extent of the disease when I was over fourteen years clean. I found myself alone, caught in lies and self-deception and nowhere to turn to. Alone, I ended up spiraling out of control. I found a solution in my desperation. The solution was found in the Primary Purpose of Narcotics Anonymous.

Primary Purpose

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter two, ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?’

Staying clean by attending meetings was and remains primary to my recovery. I must look at my life with fresh eyes each day. Complacency is the enemy of members with two days or two decades clean. It is simply not enough to attend a meeting. I need to actively engage in recovery and that means helping others. Helping others can be a challenge. I am still prone to delusional thoughts that trap me in cyclical thinking. That is why I maintain a relationship with a Home Group. I surround myself with members who have a desire to stop using. Using drugs brought me to NA but now I am aware that using involves lots of different behaviors. I have fallen into the trap of surrounding myself with addicts who are using; people, places and things will distract any of us from recovery. The literature says ‘Tell us about your problem and how we can help’; If you are unwilling or blind to the problems in your life or the lives of those around you, how am I able to help? Not every home group member has a desire to stop using. Some members are self-seekers. Narcotics Anonymous literature talks about the Self-Seeker.

Self-Seeker; a person who primarily pursues their own interest or selfish ends.
From https://www.dictionary.com

It is not that surprising to find self-seekers in NA. Narcotics Anonymous states that ‘self-obsession’ as the core of the disease. I am careful with who is in my life today. It is easy to end up within a group of self-seekers. You need look no further than the social cliques that form in everyday life. Addicts pretend they are in recovery by surrounding themselves with people who enjoy similar pursuits. The result is hundreds attending a convention and only a few attending a service committee. It is easy to convince myself that I’m not using if my friends are doing the same things.

However, many will become the role models for newcomers to follow while…the self-seekers soon find they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster to themselves. Many of them change; they learn we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, ‘Tradition Two’

Home Group

The Home Group relationships I have are the most important ones in my life today. I cannot control who joins a group but I can control who is in my social circles. I find myself turning away from the conflicts within the Home Group and seeking solstice within my social cliques. A subtle change in my attention is all the distraction my disease needs. My personal recovery depends on unity and that is best found in my home group. I can manipulate the people in my social circle. A home group is the best representation of a higher power in my life, and the greatest source of spiritual growth. There is strength in diversity. My disease will reject this and using people, places and things become my obsession. Eventually the cliques fail to feed my addiction and my isolation grows.

This is our road to spiritual growth. We change every day…to gradually, carefully and simply pull ourselves out of the isolation and loneliness of addiction into the mainstream of life. This comes not from wishing, but from action and prayer. The main objective of Step Seven is to get out of ourselves and strive for achieving the will of our Higher Power.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, ‘Step Seven’

I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society when I can strip myself of dishonesty and self-deception. I have found freedom from the disease. I have become peaceful. The best vehicle for expressing love is in my relationships with society.

Arrested

The disease concept of addiction treatment was quite new in the 1950’s. Many alcoholics had achieved sobriety by attending Alcoholics Anonymous since the 1930’s. The version of Narcotics Anonymous many of us know today started in 1953. A small number of addicts also achieved success in AA. A few addicts believed that the Twelve Step program could be adapted for addicts. It was rare that addicts found recovery in AA and many addicts were discouraged from attending AA meetings. For alcoholics who had found sobriety, the answer was quite simple.

Alcoholics Anonymous – How It Works

Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
Reprinted from the book Alcoholics Anonymous ® Copyright © 1939, 1955, 1976, 2001 by A.A. World Services, Inc.

I briefly attended AA meetings early in my recovery. I believed that success in AA was achieved by becoming honest and sobriety was measured in time free from actively using alcohol. I was also attending NA meetings. This formula for success did not seem to work well for addicts. I felt comfortable in NA. I gave up on AA and dedicated myself to NA. The formula for success in NA was much harder to define.

After coming to N.A. we realized we were sick people who suffered from a disease like Alcoholism, Diabetes or Tuberculosis. There is no known “Cure” for these-all however, can be arrested at some point and “Recovery” is then possible.
Narcotics Anonymous, Little White Book, published in 1966, ‘Why Are We Here?’

NA was quite new when this was written but already enjoying success. I was told that an addict who did not use today was a miracle. There were a lot of suggestions. Avoid people, places and things that I associated with using. Attend meetings regularly. Try and find a sponsor to guide me through the steps. Find a home group and participate in the group actively. Try and help; be of service to others. I did stop using drugs, I did what was suggested and it felt like recovery had become possible. I also knew that the disease did not always feel like it was arrested, and recovery seemed unfathomable some days.

Dying To Help

There is a scene many addicts have seen over and over at meetings. One member struggles to do one of the readings. They might be new and unfamiliar with the language, have limited reading skills, or maybe some ailment that makes reading difficult. At the same time, another addict might leave in frustration. Addicts attending the meeting might empathize with one side or the other. Some listen to support the member doing the reading and others want a clear message of recovery. There are other dramas that unfold. Emotional attachments to ideas or beliefs seem to force many of us to take a stand on what we see as right or wrong. Sometimes my addiction is so powerful that I cannot accept new ideas or behaviors. I have learned that many addicts are simply trying to help in the best way that they can. Others are here to simply help themselves with little regard for fellow addicts. The reasons we behave the way we do are as varied as the addicts who attend. The Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text offers this warning.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7 – ‘Recovery and Relapse’.

Those who willingly or unwillingly choose to help themselves can become role models. Obsessive and compulsive behaviors can be attractive. Unity suffers as a result. Using becomes a choice but it is not always about drugs. Addiction takes many forms.

This Sixth Tradition goes on to warn us what may happen: “lest problems of money, property or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.” These often-become obsessions and shut us off from our spiritual aim. For the individual, this type of abuse can be devastating; for the group, it can be disastrous. When we as a group waiver from our primary purpose, addicts die who might have found recovery.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 6 – ‘The Twelve Traditions, Tradition Six’.

Anonymity and Anonymous

Most of us eventually learn to say ‘anonymity’ and ‘autonomous’ but few understand the meaning of either. Member shares about either and this can be a convoluted mess of self-deception. As addicts, we seem to be quick to form opinions. We become twisted with emotions even over something simple like doing a reading and the meanings of our phrases. I understand today that our literature is accurate. We are sick people, but the disease can be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible. The arrest of the disease is as mysterious as the addicts who live with it. Some walk in clean to their first meeting and never look back. Others struggle for days, months or even years. I have spent time in judgement of those who struggled. I would form opinions about what was lacking in their program. Members will exchange looks when someone is ‘coming back’ again and again. The judgements and opinions of others I formed were disastrous to myself and my group.

I believe in the Grace of God and the miracle of a life free from drugs. I also believe that anyone attending NA can achieve that miracle. Even before I found NA, I had experienced moments of Grace. I did not always recognize these moments as Grace. I never knew what to do with that Grace.

The second part says that ‘recovery is then possible’. My interest in ‘Fellowship’ is knowing if you have a desire to stop using. After that initial surrender I see many addicts who are happy to continue using. Narcotics Anonymous can be a big dysfunctional smorgasbord of distractions. You can see hundreds attending a convention and two attending a service commitment within the same geographical area. Addiction knows no boundaries.

There are too many sides in too many battles. We fight about the meaning of literature. We battle with people who are ‘clean and sober’. We argue about Medically Assisted Treatment (Suboxone/Methadone). We battle about who decides what is right and wrong. We battle with those who try to govern. The drama of it all keeps me from engaging in ‘Fellowship’. I avoid gatherings. For many years I tried to be a part of, but I came to see how toxic a culture exists in the many cliques and gatherings. I might be the sickest member in the room, but I keep to myself and try to help when I can. My recovery is service to others. You have to tell me what you want to do about your problem and how I can help.

The Recovery Process

The early years of Narcotics Anonymous were full of efforts to document what worked. Those involved believed literature was important and could ease the journey of those who still suffered. Addicts who had experienced recovery found a sense of responsibility in carrying the message to the still suffering addicts. Tremendous efforts went into writing the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text. There is an interesting sentence in the Basic Text originally published in 1981.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Seven, ‘Recovery and Relapse’, preamble, First paragraph.

Complete Recovery

Complete recovery is magical. When I can add to that ‘acceptance within society’ I feel what can only be described as an amazing state of grace. The only obstacles I have found to this grace are my dishonesty and self-deception. Clean time is not a factor as I talk to other members and visit various groups. It feels good to just accept the best from each day. My character defects do not affect my ability to enjoy complete recovery. My history no longer weighs me down. The future holds no surprises I need to fear. I am free to be the person worthy of unconditional love that I experienced at those first Narcotics Anonymous meetings I attended. Critical to my complete recovery is the idea that I am a sick person. Surrender and acceptance of the disease is my most important goal each day. I need to be mindful of the disease that surrounds me in Narcotics Anonymous. I was confused for a long time about how sick people can help me. I was confused about how the sickness affected me. I have come to an understanding of the process of recovery that works for me today.

After coming to N.A. we realized we were sick people…who suffered from a disease like Alcoholism, Diabetes or Tuberculosis. There is no known “cure” for these—all, however, can be arrested at some point and “recovery” is then possible.
Chapter Three, ‘Why are we here’, preamble, Third paragraph.

The Twelve Steps

I was taught that the disease can be arrested at some point and only then is recovery possible. Understanding how the disease affected me was a process I learned in the Twelve Steps. I learned about my assets and defects. I made peace with the past in my amends. The most important discovery was the concept of a higher Power. The spiritual nature of the program of Narcotics Anonymous gave me purpose. Purpose directs my efforts today. If self-obsession is the core of the disease, then meeting regularly to help each other seems like a logical solution. My efforts to be of service help to arrest the disease. I found that attending a meeting clean was the only service had to offer some days.

The progression of recovery is a continuous uphill journey. Without effort we start the downhill run again. The progression of the disease is an ongoing process, even during abstinence.
Narcotics Anonymous, Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Seven, ‘Recovery and Relapse’, preamble, Fourteenth paragraph.

Effort

The literature says that effort is required for recovery to become possible. I also learned that the disease progresses regardless of my efforts to recover. Narcotics Anonymous gave me the love I needed to overcome defects. My disease often manifests in my defects. I learned how to become entirely ready to have God remove the defects as obstacles to my efforts. The disease of addiction is insidious and some days I am reluctant to make any effort. Some days are better but I risk becoming complacent. Complacency is not laziness but a smug sense of satisfaction that I accomplished enough. Either way it is easy to return to using. The opportunity to use is on both sides of the pendulum of highs and lows.

The longer I am clean, the stronger my urge to use. I have experienced the progression of the disease despite remaining clean. I often find myself returning to using when acting on my defects. Using tells me things that I want to hear. I sometimes find it difficult to silence the addict in my head.

The quality of my life has improved in recovery. My addiction tells me to see that as an accomplishment. That proves to me that I am doing the right things or that I know something. I stop seeing recovery as a blessing or gift that should be shared. My good fortune gives me the idea I can use successfully. My sense of entitlement grows. I need to remind myself that the longer I am here, the less I know. I have been here long enough to experience difficulties as well. The highs and lows are not evidence of anything other than life unfolding on life’s terms. I am powerless over each moment. Each passing moment writes the future as past.

I learned that my reluctance to apply effort to all areas of my life affects all aspects of my life. The greatest teacher I have found is participation in a home group and the application of the Twelve Traditions.

The Twelve Traditions

My addict is using when he tells me things I want to hear.

I do not need to attend my home group business meetings.
What I have to say is not important.
I simply do not care about my home group enough to attend.
I just want to avoid the struggles of working with other addicts.
I find am too busy to participate in service with others.

The only alternative is to stop using and start learning how to live. When we are willing to follow this course and take advantage of the help available to us, a whole new life opens up. In this way, we do recover.

Today, secure in the love of the Fellowship, we can finally look another human being in the eye and be grateful for who we are.
Chapter Eight, ‘We Do Recover’, last two paragraphs.

I learned that we meet regularly to help each other. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program. Fellowship is the members of my Home Group.

The Twelve Steps taught me about effort but the Twelve Traditions taught me about recovery. Today my efforts have a purpose. Addicts who arrive from the treatment industry often lack knowledge of the Twelve Traditions. It seems that many addicts meet regularly to only to help themselves. I found myself using NA as a social club. I tried to socialize and I attended conventions.

Today we experience a full range of feelings. Before coming into the Fellowship, we either felt elated or depressed with very little in between. Our negative sense of self has been replaced by a positive concern for others. Answers are provided and problems are solved. It is a great gift to feel human again.

What a change from the way we used to be! That’s how we know that the N.A. program works. It is the first thing that ever convinced us that we needed to change ourselves, instead of trying to change the people and situations around us. We discover new opportunities. We find a sense of self-worth. We learn self-respect. This is a program for doing just those things. By working the steps, we come to accept a Higher Power’s will; this acceptance leads us to recovery. We lose our fear of the unknown. We are set free.
Chapter Three, ‘Why Are We Here’, last two paragraphs.

‘We needed to change ourselves’ does not always mean I become a different person. For me it means that my efforts are sometimes uncomfortable. I cannot have my way all the time. By committing to carrying the message of NA I learned to put aside my personal preferences. This ability benefits me in other areas of my life. I learn to work with others regardless of my personal feelings. Today, I always feel connected to those around me. Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. I no longer socialize with others in NA but on occasion I find people who are kind, compassionate and generous. Life is like that as well. When two members put aside their personalities to carry a message to the newcomer, we experience our greatest strength as a Fellowship. We do recover and that recovery carries over to our lives in society.

Primary Purpose

The last year has been quite interesting because I have been living without anxiety. I still suffer from anxiety during certain instances like public speaking or if I make a fool of myself by saying or doing something awkward. The general, underlying anxiety that I have experienced most of my life has gone. I remember the circumstances that lead to the feelings of anxiety passing through rather than lingering. I spent time in meditation on the source of this miracle and believe it comes from the concept of a primary purpose.

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Two ‘What is the N.A. Program?”, Third paragraph.

I often repeated or listened to others talk about the ‘Primary Purpose’. I see now that sometimes I was trying to sway others into seeing my point of view on a given subject. I believe that is true for many of our members. All the tools I learn in NA are subject to being used to manipulate people to maintain my using as much as it is to maintain my recovery. Recovery can be difficult at times, and we are all capable of complacency. Step Twelve says that our service in Narcotics Anonymous is to further the primary purpose of our groups.

We attend meetings and make ourselves visible and available to serve the Fellowship. We give freely and gratefully of our time, service, and what we have found here. The service we speak of in Narcotics Anonymous is the primary purpose of our groups. Service work is carrying the message to the addict who still suffers. The more eagerly we wade in and work, the richer our spiritual awakening will be.
Chapter Four ‘How It Works’, Step Twelve, Paragraph Twelve.

Individual and Group Purpose

My ideas of purpose might differ from another person’s. Within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous individuals can have different goals. Someone with a background in prisons might focus their efforts on carrying the message into prisons. We also know from the literature that there are ‘Self-Seekers’ and members who’s dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. An NA Group is governed by an ultimate authority; A loving Higher Power as expressed in a Group Conscience. I believe that the expression of the Primary Purpose comes from that Group Conscience. Groups can flourish and grow by attracting new members. I have found for myself that the primary purpose of the group is the most attractive part of the group.

One might ask, “Are we truly autonomous? What about our service committees, our offices, activities, and all the other things that go on in N.A.?” The answer is that these things are not N.A. They are services we utilize to help us in our recovery and to further the primary purpose of our groups. Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of men and women; addicts meeting in groups and using a given set of spiritual principles to find freedom from addiction and a new way to live. All else is not N.A. Those things we mentioned are the result of members caring enough to reach out and offer their help and experience so that our road might be easier. Whether we choose to utilize these services is up to the group.
Basic Text, Chapter Six “The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous’, Tradition Four, preamble

Unity of Purpose

Groups can struggle with unity. There are a lot of forces at work that make unity difficult. I have found that having a primary purpose helps to direct the efforts of the group. I have experienced a great deal in the last four years because of being part of a virtual home group. I have been free of the strong personalities that often dominate local fellowships. I have come to see that having a clear idea of primary purpose helps in all aspects of my life.

This Sixth Tradition goes on to warn us what may happen: “lest problems of money, property or prestige divert us from our primary purpose.” These often become obsessions and shut us off from our spiritual aim. For the individual, this type of abuse can be devastating; for the group, it can be disastrous. When we as a group waiver from our primary purpose, addicts die who might have found recovery.
Basic Text, Chapter Six The Twelve Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous’, Tradition Six, last paragraph

I practice principles in all my affairs. When I volunteer or when I’m at work. I practice them with my family and my friends. Regardless of the group I’m involved with, it helps me to think about a primary purpose. The primary purpose of a meeting at work might be to resolve some issue related to work flow. I put aside my personality and focus on principles. I might not feel like I always ‘win’ but the group benefits from my involvement and participation. I have a voice, but I strive to give others a voice too. By focusing on a primary purpose, I find my anxiety is decreased or eliminated. I am less focused on the outcome. I put God’s will ahead of my own. I have more faith and less fear about the future. I am free…of anxiety!

Q&A: Two members’ experience with writing and compiling our Basic Text

After coming to NA, we found ourselves among a very special group of people who have suffered like us and found recovery. In their experiences, freely shared, we found hope for ourselves.
Basic Text, Chapter 2, ‘What Is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?’

How long were you clean for when you participated in this endeavor?

Pete B: I had just gotten back from my only relapse, which happened after my original 3 weeks clean and lasted for a weekend. I came back to my Homegroup in Bucks County, Pa, and my friend George R. suggested I get more involved in the program. There were 2 weekly meetings in Hulmeville, about a mile from where I lived. The Sat night needed a coffeemaker, so took on that commitment. Sunday Steppers needed a Secretary, and I was willing and could type, so I took that one, as well. My first group conscience meeting, about a week later, that group decided to begin writing its own steps & traditions to be able to use NA literature (defined as anything written by addicts for addicts for the purpose of recovery). I was the group’s secretary and typist, so I typed it up and edited it for use in our meetings. So I had about 2 weeks clean when I started that activity. We met up with many on the World Literature Committee at the 1st East Coast Convention, after which I got involved in many more of the activities of the World Luterzture Committee. I had about 100 days clean then. Most of my free time, when I wasn’t working or going to a meeting, was spent working on the Basic Text project. I lived ate and breathed it for the next 2 years. When we hosted the 7th World Literature Conference in our house (George R. had just moved out, and Al R. still lived there with me), I had a year and 10 months clean. At that conference I was elected Vice Chair of the World Literature Committee, shortly after Page C. was elected chair. I was still in that role a few months later when the fellowship approved the Basic Text at the World Service Conference. We had a book! I stayed involved with world lit., and began working in earnest on the History of NA, which I did for the next 2 years, hosting history workshops at the World Convention in Milwaukee in 1982 and the world convention in NYC in ‘83. I also conducted these workshops at several other conventions, including the 2nd Volunteer Region convention in 1983 in Tennessee (there’s still a tape floating around from that workshop). In November, 1983, at the 9th World Literature Conference in Jameson, Pa, I was asked to serve as Secretary of World Lit. I did that for a few months, but was so “crisp around the edges” by then I had to step away from that level of service to pursue an opportunity I had to actually go through the 12 steps with a sponsor who had experienced all 12. By then, I desperately needed that experience, and felt that my work with World Lit was done for the time being. It was – but then I got to actually recover, which was brilliant. Very grateful for how it all played out. I think that pretty much answered the first question. I was just shy of 4 years clean when I stepped away from the literature work to begin my own journey through the 12 steps.

Marc B: I became involved in Lit ‘stuff’ well before the Text was seriously envisioned. I got to do some work on the Atlanta area newsletter, Rainbow Connection, not long after I found NA, in Oct ‘79. I can’t remember exactly when that happened, though. We started a newsletter in Ohio, also, I got heavily involved in that, with Jim Miller and some other Ohio NA ‘pioneers’. I got clean in Feb ‘79, so, it didn’t take long, probably around a year or so, clean.

Why did you decide to get involved?

Pete B: When my group decided, in group conscience, to begin writing steps and traditions. I was the group’s secretary and the only one with typing and editing skills. During those first couple years, the only times I felt calm and like I was okay was when I was doing that work. The rest of the time, my life was pretty much a shit-show. So it was a no-brainer, for me, to continue doing that work. It was my lifeline.

Marc B: I got involved in Literature stuff, because I realized that communication was the essence of that ‘one addict helping another’- and the printed word was the best venue to carry that message, without being face-to-face with someone seeking recovery. My first encounter with NA Lit was the initial 6 IPs and the LWB, and I was amazed at how direct and simple, those were. I also recognised the universality of the message, and how it was conveyed. When the ‘rumblings’ of developing our own ‘Big Book’-type of Literature, and the obvious need for further IP development became more widespread, I felt committed to that endeavour. I do feel that the level of commitment is directly proportional to one’s ability to actually recover, that is just my own personal observation and experience.

Which part of the text was the most difficult to put together?

Pete B: It wasn’t a specific part of the text. The most difficult part of the whole process was having to start from scratch after 4 world literature conferences and countless thousands of hours of work had gone into the draft of the text that came out of the 4th WLC in Santa Monica, Ca. There were a number of forces, the “old guard” of NA, who felt threatened by the work we were doing. They thought World Lit was making a power move or something. We were just trying to get the book done and out into the hands of addicts so they wouldn’t have to keep dying without knowing there was a way out. But, someone out there actually stole the manuscript – everything that had been worked on up to that point. It just disappeared. I learned about this when Al R. and I arrived in Warren, Ohio for the 5th World Literature Conference there. We just dug in and worked out tails off, ‘round the clock for 8 days straight, very little sleep involved, lots of rocket-fuel grade strong coffee, and a bank of IBM correcting selectric typewriters – first time I ever even saw an electric typewriter, but I got intimately involved with one that whole week. My fingers were practically bleeding at one point, but I didn’t care – we were determined to get that work done. After all our efforts in Warren, and then in Miami a few months later, we had an Approval Form ready to send out to the entire fellowship before the end of 1981 – a pretty remarkable comeback, after having to start over from scratch in June of that year. That was the most difficult time, in my memory.

Marc B: In my opinion, based on the process and the outcome and the consequences thereof, the Traditions portion. I am always impressed, and dismayed, that the only thing that drew enough ire and interest, to warrant altering the approved Text, was those changes to the Tradition essays. No pushback on ‘god versus higher power’, no turmoil about gender terms, no need to argue about specific drug use, just the absolute need to change the portions of the Traditions, that addressed service committee’s responsibilities and accountability, and group autonomy within the. Those changes led to the controversies and divisions within our Fellowship, since then and ongoing. I do believe our Text, and Literature overall, is dynamic, and needs to be updated and revised at certain points. We, collectively, have grown and obtained more knowledge and insight, regarding ‘what works’, and more importantly, what doesn’t work.

Do you have a funny story about the literature process you’d like to share?

Pete B: Maybe not funny, per se, but one of those moments where I laughed in disbelief and knew there were greater forces than us helping us out, despite some of the dark forces from within the fellowship that we seemed to be contending with. In the spring 1983, I’d been working on the history for about a year, and learned a ton about the NA that existed before NA as we know it started in 1953. I wasn’t really looking for that information, but it kept finding its way to me. The one instance of that that really stands out in my memory – me and this girl I was seeing at the time we’re driving out to spend the weekend at Larry No’s cabin in West Virginia. He’d invited us out there. We’d stopped in Winchester, Virginia, for lunch, and came across this used book store. As we were browsing through the books there, I was looking for this one old book on low-blood sugar that I’d heard had a reference to early NA in it. I hadn’t been able to find that book anywhere, though I knew from my research that it existed. We hadn’t said anything about the book while we were in there, but this old guy, who presumably worked there, came up to me, reached up on the top of this shelf behind me, pulled down a book and handed it to me, with a gleam in his eye, and said “here, you might need this one.” It was the book I’d been searching for for months. The girl and I looked at each other, and it was like the theme from the twilight zone was playing in the background somewhere. I still get chills down my spine just thinking about that incident. I think I might still have that book.

Marc B: There are several and rides and stories from the activities during that process. My favourite is the one of me, Jim Miller and May Kay W., working on the chapter ‘Just for Today’, and editing it down to an IP, during an all-night review and rewrite session. The committee decided to rework it back into a complete chapter, but retain the IP as a valid piece of work. Charles K., declaring ‘Work the Steps or Die, motherfucker’, became a rallying cry, taunt, definitive statement, and tenet, not just for the ‘Literature Movement’, but the Fellowship, overall.

Why is the paragraph “Higher mental and emotions, such as conscience and the ability to love, were sharply affected by our drug use…” from the chapter ‘Who Is An Addict?’ repeated in the chapter ‘More Will Be Revealed’?

Pete B: I can’t really tell you why that statement wound up in both “Who Is An Addict”, and More Will Be Revealed. I guess it just fit both narratives. I didn’t work directly on the final edits of “Who is an Addict”, but the Phila Lit Committee that I was a part of did the final edit of More Will Be Revealed, the version of that that went into the Memphis Review Form (aka Gray Book). Oh, yeah; there’s kind of a funny story about that chapter. We had worked on Chapter 8 in the Bristol Lit Committee in Bucks County, and Phila had worked on Chapter 10. George R. chaired both committees and I typed everything up from both. George went to Memphis for WLC3 – I couldn’t go as I was desperately trying to hold onto a job. We were both living in Ivyland at the time. George called me when he got there and said, “Pete, I’m going to need you to come down here.” I told him I simply couldn’t, out of the question – “Why?” I asked. “I left chapter 10 on my bedside table, where I was reading it over last night. I need you to get it to me, somehow.” I promised I would get it to him. Fedex and UPS couldn’t get it there next day by then – it was too late in the day. So I drove out to Philadelphia airport, found a late flight to Memphis, found an honest looking passenger who was willing to take a package from a complete stranger (me) and deliver it to another complete stranger (George) in Memphis. That’s how chapter 10 got into the gray book. Our work in Phila Lit was thorough, and they didn’t make any other changes to it. And I didn’t need to spend 20 hours driving to Memphis to get it there.

Marc B: I’m not sure why that ‘passage’ got repeated, but it does fit well, in those places. Perhaps an elaboration on the ideas presented could be done in a future revision. I’m convinced that nothing that went into the process- whether that is the Gray Book product, the writing and compilation that occurred prior to the Grey Book creation, the Basic Text process- from beginning to ‘end’, the IP developments- was superfluous, or irrelevant. Everything had, and still has, a purpose, which is that simple, but vital, task, of carrying our message of recovery. I can only hope that future generations of members can revise our Literature with the focus on what our collective experience is. Our disease is universal, we all suffer the same result, the differences are relatively ephemeral- different ‘time lines’, different places and situations, but the ultimate ‘jails, institutions, and death’ are the harsh reality of our unchecked disease. Our recovery affords a life free from those destinations, and allows us to live a life worth living, we do recover- as our collective experiences demonstrate. We should focus on that, and avoid the outside influences of money, property, prestige, and also that of allowing compromise on our basic message of abstinence and reintegration with the society we have been estranged, removed or in conflict with, during our active addiction. The Steps lead us on that path, from desperate loners to productive members of the society. That will look different, to different people, in different places, and times, but the message is clear and simple and attainable, if we follow the path that has been defined for us, and the experience of those who came before can help us to understand and achieve that.

Do you feel participating in the literature process affected your recovery? How?

Pete B: Working on the Basic Text had a profound impact on my recovery. It kept me clean those first two years – I don’t know if I would’ve stayed clean otherwise. Sometimes, I felt like I was being given an unfair advantage, as I got to read many of the words that went into it in their rawest form, as input that came in all shapes and sizes, written on all kinds of material. I would type it up, it would go get cut and pasted in workshops until it turned into what would be the words of the Basic Text, and I got to type it a number of times in its various forms. Those words spoke to me as I typed them. They got into my psyche, which was still bedeviled by a lot of insane thoughts and crazy notions, but those words were far more powerful than my crazy thoughts. I knew those words would save me, and save many more addicts who didn’t even know they were addicts yet, just like I didn’t know until my first NA meeting. There was a very powerful force behind the creation of that book, and I got to be a part of that force for over 2 years. I knew that I had been blessed to be in the right place at the right time with the rights set of skills to be an active participant in that process. There’s a line from a song by Paul Simon, called Duncan, where he says “I was playing my guitar lying underneath the stars just thanking the lord for my fingers – for my fingers.” That line gets me every time – I felt like my fingers allowed me to participate in something I probably wouldn’t have, otherwise. My social skills were so burnt out early on, I couldn’t really be part of a lot of the other work going on – I had a real bad case of social anxiety then – but, safe behind a typewriter, I could contribute. Thank God for my typing skills!

Marc B: The involvement in the Lit process, had me make a deeper commitment to recovery. I’ve often said that once I decided to put all my ‘eggs’ in the NA basket, I had a vested interest in how well that ‘basket’ got handled. I understood the value of the printed word, and that was an integral part of the process of recovery, at least in my observation. I had already seen the lunacy of trying to be in control of every aspect of my life, and also trying to be a diverse as possible. Once I surrendered to the fact I had to focus on my recovery, in order to live any sort of meaningful life, that allowed me to let go of the reservations and manipulations. I also made many mistakes, bad decisions, selfish choices, and created a lot of turmoil and discord, not necessarily always intentional, but always with repercussions. Once I committed to NA recovery, the need to restore the damage from the aforementioned disease-driven wreckage, had me utilising the Steps to recover from my disease and ‘right those wrongs’. I am a firm believer that an addict, seeking recovery, can demand conditions, for their unconditional surrender- that means complete abstinence, making a self-assessment, acting upon the results of that assay, making the corrections indicates and pursuing a life in the ‘real world’- and repeating that process as often as needed or indicated. There is no ‘The End’ after the Steps, no diploma or gold-leaf engraved certificate of completion. It’s simply ‘work the Steps, or die, motherfucker!’, or as some of us altered that pearl of wisdom- ‘work the Steps, and live, motherfucker!’.

What do you feel is the most important thing for people to keep in mind about our Basic Text?

Pete B: Most important thing for people to remember about our Basic Text? As important as that text is, and it truly is, nothing is more important for that newcomer at their very first meeting than your own experience, strength and hope, in your own words. Don’t quote the basic text to them. They don’t even know what it is. I didn’t want someone quoting a book at me when I was new. When George reached out to me in my first meeting , all I knew was this cat was for real, he kindly reached out to me, he was willing to listen to me, and he shared the truth from his own experience. That got me to come back. The book is important, but to the newcomer – You Are the Book. Be authentic and honest and just be yourself. Later, they can read the book, but at first, they might not even be able to read. So – Be the Book. Bring it to life. Live it. I hope that helps.

Marc B: The most important thing about our Literature, is to read it, and comprehend it. I don’t think there is any more succinct and direct statement I can make, about Literature. We crafted it, to be the way to carry our message, to anyone, anywhere, and that is true now, and will be for as long as I can see. Once one reads it, it should change them, if it doesn’t initially, they should read it again, and again, until it does. And then, read it again. A few more times.

A huge thank you to Pete B and Marc B for your gracious participation and contributions.

I am a Charlatan.

I read the new ‘Group Booklet’ produced by the NAWS Corporation and was offended by the addition of a footnote;

Virtual NA meetings that meet regularly can choose to be an NA group if they meet the criteria described in this booklet.
NAWS Corporation, ‘The Group Booklet’, Page 5, Footnote 3.

My first thought was that only NA Groups host meetings and the NAWS Corporation was trying to circumvent our traditions. Their approval of meetings without the responsibility of following the Twelve Traditions was in my opinion deceptive. The Traditions govern our Groups who host meetings to support members and for the purpose of carrying a message to the still suffering addict. It would not be the first time that NAWS had violated the Traditions. In this case I was wrong, and it was the members of NA who took me to school. Turns out that I am a charlatan.

A study of historical literature brought me to the original information pamphlet, published in 1976.

The gathering together of two or more member addicts for the purpose of learning how to live a drug-free life by practicing the principles of N.A. constitutes an N.A. Meeting. When these meetings are held regularly, they can become a Group.
Narcotics Anonymous, published by C.A.R.E.N.A. in 1976, IP #2, ‘The Group’ – Structure, The Member.

The Member

This 1976 information pamphlet makes the reader familiar with the structure of Narcotics Anonymous and points out that the member is the first and most important part of our service structure. The Upper Cumberland Area of Narcotics Anonymous lists a version here. When members meet for the purpose of living a drug free lifestyle, it is considered a meeting. Even if they meet regularly, they are not necessarily a group. The Group IP was revised in 1988 and dropped the definition of a member and their importance to our service efforts. I believe it was the first time Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship approved literature was replaced with Conference approved literature, but I could be wrong. I wish it had been left as it was and I would encourage everyone to read historical literature. The revised IP included this.

Definition and purpose [of a group]

A Narcotics Anonymous group is any meeting of two or more recovering addicts who meet regularly at a specific time and place for the purpose of recovery from the disease of addiction. All Narcotics Anonymous groups are bound by the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of NA. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers.
NA IP#2 – ‘The Group’, Revised 1988.

Conference Approved and Fellowship Approved Literature

By 1988, Narcotics Anonymous had become fragmented over the changes brought about by the service structures to the Basic Text (See my post – Paper Empires). Rapid growth and declining participation in service structures created chaos for Narcotics Anonymous. Disunity allowed strong personalities to dominate over principles. The first line in the revised text (above) merges the definition of meeting and group into a confusing statement of opinion. At this point, IP#2, ‘The Group’ became Conference Approved literature and was no longer Fellowship Approved literature. You can read the 1988 World Service Conference discussion at https://www.nahistorytree.com or this link here.

There are other points of confusion as the literature was revised. The use of ‘recovered’ and ‘recovering’ addict. This is a quote from the Fellowship approved version of the Basic Text.

N.A. is a non-profit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, “What is the N.A. Program?“

Opinions and Facts

My friend Jed in a discussion once defined ‘Charlatan’ as someone who wears a cloak of spirituality which obscures their true motives. I like this definition from Wikipedia.

A charlatan (also called a swindler or mountebank) is a person practicing quackery or a similar confidence trick in order to obtain money, power, fame, or other advantages through pretense or deception.

See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlatan

Are all addicts in Narcotics Anonymous charlatans? Narcotics Anonymous literature says that we do enjoy complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, Recovery and Relapse, preamble.

Recovered Addict

Today, I enjoy being a recovered addict. I continue to experience the full force of the charlatans where I live. I hear from no one; I am not allowed to serve and today I am ok with that but at one point it caused me to consider suicide. I believe the purest form of recovery is the newcomer as they are free of all pretenses. I no longer hang out with the many toxic cliques that infest our Fellowship. I am only interested in our primary purpose and being part of a home group. I have healthy boundaries and enjoy the wide base of personalities within a home group. I focus on recognizing the Grace of God that allowed me to not use today. My actions are from gratitude for that gift. Fortunately, my home group offers unconditional love to me even when I start to trip over my opinions presented as facts. I am grateful today to recognize the disease within me with the help of others. Each day begins with the opportunity to enjoy complete recovery and the opportunity to continue to communicate with newer members. Each day I can act like a charlatan, presenting opinions as facts and distancing myself from reality. I have choice today. I am free!

Subject to Revision

Everything we know is subject to revision, especially what we know about the truth.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, All versions, Chapter 9, ‘Just For Today, Living The Program’

This is an interesting quote from the Basic Text. I wondered at first what else could there be but truth but realized that I can have opinions. I know some truths and I have opinions. I easily confuse the two, and voice opinions as truth. Sometimes I do not know the truth at all, but loudly proclaim an opinion to anyone who will listen. I believe this highlights the need for continuous involvement in a home group. I think of my home group as a complete Fellowship. A home group protects me from myself. The Twelve Traditions make sense when I consider my Home Group as a complete Fellowship. I am aware that I have a disease called addiction and I have accepted Narcotics Anonymous as a solution. My personal recovery depends on the unity of the Fellowship.

Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual, not religious program. Any clean addict is a miracle, and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender and growth. For an addict, not using is an abnormal state. We learn to live clean. We learn to be honest with ourselves and think of both sides of things. Decision-making is rough at first. Before we got clean, most of our actions were guided by impulse. Today, we are not locked into this type of thinking. We are free.
Basic Text, Chapter 8, ‘We Do Recover’

Dark Times

I understand now that Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. Someone pointed that out to me at a very low point in my recovery. Chapter Three of the Basic Text talks about the fact we are all sick people. NA is not a cure, but the disease can be arrested at some point, and recovery becomes possible. That tells me that recovery is not guaranteed and not everyone participates in recovery. I found dark times. The arrest of the disease is the miracle I had experienced. Recovery had become possible but elusive. I did not have the skills required to deal with the many personalities. I found sickness because I was fully immersed in Narcotics Anonymous without the skills to separate myself. I ended up in pretend friendships, fake service positions, and an unquenchable thirst to be accepted. Being accepted was just like a drug, and I was full engulfed with using despite not having picked up drugs. A using addict attracts addicts who are using. Recovery is a shared experience and is limited by the size and involvement of the Fellowship. I believe that is why our literature says, ‘the wider the base, the higher the point of freedom’. I needed a strong, diverse home group with growth. In fact, growth needed to be the primary purpose for me to experience full recovery.

I left the sickness of others and found recovery. I found a home group and made a commitment to developing relationships with everyone regardless of my personal feelings or their commitment to recovery. I healed by participating in a healthy Fellowship. I developed healthy boundaries. I learned spiritual principles by observation and practiced them in my life. I see now that members come in all kinds of packages. There are self-seekers (opportunists, who do not care about right or wrong). There are members whose dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. I no longer hang out with people in the program. It is difficult to watch people completely consumed with self-obsession. I find the benefits of living without ‘dishonesty and self-deception’ is that I can associate with anyone in society. I am free today. I am no longer tied to the unhealthy cliques so common in Narcotics Anonymous. I have a purpose today.

Anxiety Free

I avoid self-seeking by participating in giving back and volunteering. The greatest joy for me is being of service but I also accept others where they are at. Narcotics Anonymous has given me many skills that I did not have previously. I can participate in any situation. Healthy people answer the phone and return calls which is a rare thing to experience in the Fellowship where I live. Healthy people show up for their volunteer shifts and do the work willingly and completely. Healthy people are inclusive. I have intelligent and adult conversations about different approaches to problems. I get to participate in some unique solutions proposed by others. I learn different aspects about the truth from the perspective of another person by communicating in a healthy manner. All these unique experiences benefit my recovery. I now can be a part of anything, and as a result I have been anxiety free for almost a year. The death of a dear friend caused me to consider my relationship with the local fellowship of NA.

Living without anxiety has opened new doors. I feel less pressure of the ‘disease of clean time’ and a need to manipulate or control others. Clean time does not seem to have any merit at all. Life unfolds as it was meant to be. Having been around for some time means I am prone to suffer from complacency. I try and stay involved and active in local meetings. I do love to deliver meeting lists and work on websites but accept that surrendering control is difficult for some. I wait patiently now for the opportunity to serve Narcotics Anonymous. There are many places to be of service and the COVID pandemic has opened so many doors to serve. I have less answers and more open-mindedness because of listening to newcomers. I have found writing a blog a good platform for my own ideas on truth and opinion. I connect with like minded individuals who want to work together.