Category: Steps

Does your Doctor know?

Adapting to Change

I was committed to trying out the Narcotics Anonymous program and attending meetings after I hit bottom. Treatment was not an option I could afford. Talking with other addicts become comfortable the more I attended. What we talked about was starting to make sense and I did feel a sense of camaraderie with some members. I could talk about some of the challenges I was faced with in a safe place. I found many members could relate to what I was experiencing. Some would share their experiences and I learned from them. I found strength to continue and hope for a new way of living.  Narcotics Anonymous was a safe place but I still had to deal with life outside of the meetings. I worked full-time, I was married and I had children. There was a lot of interaction with people outside the program. Many of my immediate circle cared about me and I tried to be honest about what I was doing. I talked with my doctor, but little help was available other than medication and psychiatrists.  

Outside of the meetings I was dealing with the consequences of my addiction and trying to maintain a life worth living.  Some of my behaviors were becoming uncomfortable. For the first time I started to see how I loved to swim in a sea of resentments. Everyone and every single situation I had experienced in my life was tainted with resentment. At a meeting, someone shared that resentments were like ‘drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die’. This caused me weeks of struggle as I had to examine every aspect of my life and my thinking. I had an enormous sense of entitlement.

There were a lot of new ideas and new ways of living to explore. I was grateful to have other addicts to talk to. I found I was drawn to people who were similar in nature. There was a certain comfort in being part of a clique. The most uncomfortable conversations were with someone outside the Fellowship. Narcotics Anonymous became a big part of my life and I was anxious about people outside the Fellowship.

Honest Conversations

Early recovery involved commitments with a therapist, an addiction counsellor, friends, and family to talk openly about where I was at and what was going on. Being honest was difficult when you do not know the truth, and if you have lived a life of lies and misconceptions. I found myself lying for no other reason than it was more comfortable than telling the truth. I found my favorite conversations are often with professionals, like doctors and therapists. Some seem to have found a good balance between genuine concerns and vague indifferences to my problems. I tried to be honest about life in NA and shared about the many benefits. I started to enjoy talking with professionals in healthcare, and people interested in recovery. My support group in NA grew as well.

Carrying the Message

I worked the steps, and I found a place in my heart where I could talk comfortably with a higher power. Having a conversation with the God of my understanding allowed me to see how self-obsessed I was. My early conversations were about my needs, my frustrations, and my desires. As I continued to work the steps I found I was part of a larger community and everything was not about me. My life had become stable and I recognized daily that my needs were being met. I tried to get involved in the Fellowship and carrying the message to other addicts. It was challenging and exciting to work with other addicts. The work in applying principles started to benefit all aspects of my life. I found myself wanting to have better relationships with anyone I encountered. My conversations with my higher power changed and I sensed a growing desire to put aside self-obsessive thinking.

The Opposite of Using is Gratitude

A big moment happened about 7 years ago. I found a new doctor who was trained in the United Kingdom. My doctor loves Narcotics Anonymous and had very positive things to say about the fellowship. In the UK, Narcotics Anonymous does presentations to universities where doctors are trained.  Whenever possible, I try and get him meeting lists to give to his patients. The conversations I had with people outside the fellowship were changing as well.  The Narcotics Anonymous literature says about some of our members;

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

My experiences reflected this. It can be very difficult to work with some Narcotics Anonymous service bodies. Strong personalities often overshadow principles. The Narcotics Anonymous literature warns members about this. Despite the warning, local service often ignore how they can be a detriment to my recovery. I have found a benefit to including other parts of society within my recovery.  I am no longer surprised to see how many members continue to use.  Over the years I have come to see how I have ‘used’ the NA fellowship and the relationships I formed were often fake. Using addicts attract addicts who are using. The ongoing struggles to fill service positions has as much to do with the attitudes of those involved as those who seek to be of service. Stepping away and forming healthy boundaries have helped me immensely.

Complete recovery and acceptance within society

The quality of my relationships has dramatically improved with honest conversations. Honest conversations are the best weapon against self-deception. I love the idea of complete recovery and acceptance within society. Today, complete recovery means I am free to express my gratitude. I believe that the opposite of using is gratitude. Gratitude is truly an action word as I seek to give back rather than use. Gratitude allows me to see the abundance I have and freely give back to society. Complete recovery means I am no longer using but have become useful. I am no longer isolated and have found acceptance within society. When I am talking with new members of Narcotics Anonymous I ask questions like; ‘Does your doctor know?’ or ‘Does your doctor have meeting lists?’ You might be the only contact someone has with Narcotics Anonymous today so choose your words and actions wisely. The literature says  ‘We can only keep what we have by giving it away’. Giving back has been the foundation of my recovery.

Reservations and Relapse

Narcotics Anonymous talks about relapse in the literature. Relapse is not always about drugs. An early draft of the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous included this phrase.

In our daily lives, we are subject to emotional, environmental, intellectual, mental and spiritual relapses, causing us to become defenseless against the physical relapse of addiction.

Line numbered Grey Book, Review Copy, Printed February 1981, Memphis, Tenn., Page 125.

An approved version included this phrase;

In our daily lives we are subject to emotional and spiritual lapses, causing us to become defenseless against the physical relapse of drug use.

Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Line Numbered, Published 1982, Chapter 7, “Recovery and Relapse”, page 73

It was the experience of members who created our early literature. This shared experience of other members matched my experiences.  Relapses has been a source of conflict for me in my recovery. I have been fortunate to not pick up drugs since I found Narcotics Anonymous, but I appreciate today that relapse can take many forms. I struggled with internal conflict. I flipped back and forth between contempt those who were not able to maintain their abstinence and self-loathing for my own lapses in behaviors. For years I quietly judged those who relapsed. Over time I came to appreciate addicts who kept coming back but I struggled to find acceptance of my own lapses. I hear the gossip and have felt the results of toxic cliques sitting in judgement.  I don’t see things that way anymore.

Narcotics Anonymous Literature States That We Do Recover

Narcotics Anonymous literature tells me that relapse is a sign of a reservation. A sponsor of mine told me that reservations are anything that I put between me and my Higher Power’s will.  Understanding my Higher Power’s will can be a challenge by itself without even considering the reservations that I am willing to admit to. Self-obsession, which is the core of the disease of addiction fills me with a sense of entitlement. I find myself wanting to take credit for my continued abstinence.  I convince myself that I am doing the right things. On the other end of the pendulum, my struggle to accept my lapses in behaviors causes me to spiral downward into a path of self-obsessed behaviors. My ego tries to protect me from humility.

We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other to stay clean.

Little White Book, 1966, Page 1

The original literature referred to recovering and recovered addicts. This was changed by the NAWS Corporation and later printings do not distinguish clearly between the two words. The literature today has gotten away from the differences by using ‘recovering addicts.’ There are other examples of ‘complete recovery’ that have not been edited in later versions.

Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Line numbered Grey Book, Review Copy, 1981, Chapter 7, ‘Recovery and Relapse, page 118.

By the same token we have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Basic Text, 5th Edition, 1988, ‘Recovery and Relapse, Page 74

Complete Recovery

Members share that being clean is a miracle, and our literature talks about the ‘Grace of God’.  There is something about the disease of addiction that causes me to deny that recovery is a gift. It can be terrifying to accept that the only reason I am clean is because of the benevolence of some higher power. My ego screams for acknowledgment. I try to convince myself that my efforts are somehow the reason I have been clean this long. I cry “I did everything right and I’m clean today because of it!” Secretly, I would deny the existence of a higher power in my life and avoid the responsibility that gift brings. I do not see complete recovery as a path to using drugs again. Complete recovery does not imply I am cured.  I believe that complete recovery is simply a state of being where I am no longer using to change how I feel. I love hiking and often go but even hiking can become an obsession. If I surround myself with other addicts, our hiking endeavors could be a little clique where we maintain our lies and self-deception. I see today that it is important to understand the bigger picture.

Our Symbol

The outer circle denotes a universal and total program that has room within for all manifestations of the recovering and wholly recovered person.

Grey Book, 1981, Fellowship approved

The outer circle denotes a universal and total program that has room within it for all manifestations of the recovering person.

Basic Text, 5th Edition, 1988

These two lines, separated by 7 years highlight the division that we can create within our own fellowship. Members with decades of experience will take a stand on the inclusion or exclusion of the word recovered. Dividing points can create disunity. What has become important is that my personal recovery depends on NA unity; Tradition One.

Responsibility For My Recovery

When I can take responsibility for my recovery from the perspective of it being a gift, my perspective on the world changes. The decisions I make also change. I need to accept that I am worthy. That is hard because some days everything tells me that I am not worthy. I also see the reservations I hold differently as well. My reservations are no longer about my entitlement, but an acceptance of my higher power’s will.  My world becomes larger when I stop seeing recovery as a personal accomplishment and more from a sense of community.  Sacrifices that I make become easier because I am no longer plagued by self-obsession. My efforts in my recovery come from a place of abundance. My reservations fall away to ideas about unity and common welfare of others. I’m less directed by self and more directed by community. I am enough and I have enough.

Humility

Relapses in behaviors can be humbling and humility is the home of the recovered addict. Character defects and the accompanying actions, or shortcomings, are normal. I am not perfect. I might lapse in behaviors but with a desire to stop using, I can recover quickly. The awareness allows me to be a part of a community of other addicts. We meet regularly to help each other stay clean. That becomes part of my responsibility. I also take responsibility for the atmosphere of recovery found in the meetings I attend and the home group I support. It matters less and less with each passing day what circumstances I find in my life. Life brings many challenges but together with the support of a Fellowship, I can endure any hardship or share the abundance of any gift. Like a marathon runner, I can move between recovered and recovering. It has to do with my intentions, or perhaps a better perspective is that it is the intentions of my higher power. Some members get clean and enjoy all that life has to offer. They never completely recover. There are many distractions within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous that prevent me from “enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.” It is easy to hide in our cliques and avoid the acceptance of society. I cannot allow my gratitude for my life to cloud my responsibilities to a greater good.  I can choose to be of service by working with others, carrying a message into the community, and carrying a message to the suffering addicts in and out of the rooms.