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Self-Seeking

Narcotics Anonymous has become a huge fellowship that has spread across the globe over the last seventy years. There are tens of thousands of Groups. Members are encouraged to support a Home Group. The exact number of groups is a mystery. Many groups do not participate in any service structures. Groups are only accountable to the members they serve. Most groups remain autonomous.  Only a small number of groups participate in service structures in North America. There was a time when participation was strong, literature was created by members, and approved by groups. A significant piece of literature is The Basic Text for Narcotics Anonymous which includes the following paragraphs;

Those of us who have been involved in service or in getting a group started sometimes have a hard time letting go. Egos and unfounded pride and self-will would destroy a group if given authority. We must instead remember that offices have been placed in trust, that we are trusted servants and that at no time do any of us govern. Narcotics Anonymous is a God-given Program, and we can maintain our group in dignity only with group conscience and God’s love.

Some will resist. However, many will become the role models for newcomers to follow while the self-seeking soon find they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster to themselves. Many of them change; they learn we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Third Edition, published 1984, Tradition 2, Page 59

The Basic Text went through a lot of revisions from the First Edition published in 1983 to the Fifth Edition in 1988. The Fifth Edition was the version I found when I came to the program in 2002. Versions Four, Five and Six changed the wording slightly by using ‘Self-seekers’ rather than ‘Self-seeking’.  The impact of that change was significant for me.

Some will resist. However, many will become the role models for the newcomers. The self-seekers soon find that they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster for themselves. Many of them change; they learn that we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

 Fourth Edition, published 1987, Page 59

Self-seeker

What is a self-seeker? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary provides this excellent definition.

Definition of self-seeker (noun)

as in opportunist

one who does things only for his own benefit and with little regard for right and wrong

‘he’s a self-seeker who is nice only to people who can do him favors’

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary see this link.

It was not until I studied historical literature that I got a better understanding of Narcotics Anonymous. I reached out and connected to a global Fellowship. Today, I like to remain in a program of equals, where I take responsibility for my recovery. I am no more or less than any other member, including the self-seeker. I can identify my self-seeking behaviors when I am connected to the God of my understanding and by working with a home group. I attend my home group regularly. Members know me, know my habits, attitudes, and beliefs.  Regardless of my personality, I try and put that aside to work with others to carry a message to newcomers.  We might disagree about everything but our commitment to the primary purpose of Narcotics Anonymous ensures our success as a group which benefits our Fellowship.

Doing The Right Things for the Right Reasons

I find self-seekers care little about anything other than themselves. They have become role models for the newcomers as promised in the later versions of the Basic Text. I struggle with my interactions with the self-seekers. I am repulsed by the lack of concern for Narcotics Anonymous and the devotion to self. Sometimes I wonder if I am the self-seeker that literature speaks of. I find myself on the outside, causing dissention by delivering meeting lists locally. I’m fortunate to have good friends and a support group to talk about these things with. Maybe I am a self-seeker but doing the right things for the right reasons has been a part of my recovery for decades now. I often find myself in opposition to popular opinion.

Unity

Attendance at conventions and other events for the comradery is popular. It is easy to see hundreds attending a local event. Few members, if any, show up to distribute meeting lists. I feel like the label ‘Unity’ has become a weapon for the oppression of others by self-seekers.  I hear ‘it would be nice if you were part of’ from self-seekers. It is called ‘gaslighting’ and I no longer believe them. I am no longer influenced by popularity.   I’m happy to be delivering meeting lists, attending, facilitating workshops, and speaking in prisons as part of a global fellowship. I love working on websites and talking with professionals about my experiences in Narcotics Anonymous.  I do not feel like a self-seeker but ‘dishonesty and self-deception’ prevent members from wholly recovering so maybe I am. I might be living a lie. Perhaps I see unity differently than others.

Anonymi

‘Anonymi’ was a term coined by an early member.  The book ‘A Matter of Principle’ taught me a lot and was written by ‘Anonymi’. I am content with carrying a message alone. Today I have a connection to a global Fellowship who has struggled with the same issues. I love the idea of an ‘Anonymi Foundation’ named for the writer and supporting members worldwide.

A fascinating, semi autobiographical, deeply spiritual, first hand account of the writing of our Basic Text and the founding of modern NA.  A Matter of Principle accurately depicts the differences between true open participatory service structure and the concepts-driven, closed system at the world level today.

  “A Matter of Principle” by Anonymi, Copywrite 2004, available for free (Ecopy) here.

Self-seekers seem to take service positions for power and prestige.  Some self-seekers are so consumed with themselves that they can only find acceptance within peer groups made of the self-seekers themselves.  This causes tremendous difficulties in carrying the message. A Narcotics Anonymous Groups’ ability to work together is easily derailed by the self-obsession of a single member. Fortunately, things have changed with the growth of Internet based access to historical literature and the wide adoption of Narcotics Anonymous online during the COVID pandemic. I am finding more and more connections with people who attend and support groups listed on https://www.virtual-na.org. For years now I have given up on working within the cliques and toxic culture created by the self-seekers. I love to give back and distribute meeting lists. I am content to work alone even if that makes me a self-seeker.

The Self-seeker

With the changes to the literature, a new classification of member was created by labeling the ‘Self-seeker’. There is no drug more attractive to the newcomer than the success promoted by the self-seeker. ‘Look at me, look at me, I’m clean and free’ can easily become a mantra. The global success of Narcotics Anonymous has not translated to North America.  Domestic growth has been stagnant for over 30 years. I believe that attending one event after another will lose its appeal eventually. I no longer resent the self-seekers but maintain healthy boundaries. Healthy NA fellowships are inclusive so I learned to accept people where they are at.  I try and live by spiritual principles.  I welcome anyone who wants to distribute meeting lists.  I would love some help.

Narcotics Anonymous has given me a life beyond any of my dreams. I move about freely in society and have found the love and support of other members of society. Many people give back and freely donate their time and energy in helping others. These have become my role models. This has become my support group. I love to volunteer. The added benefit is that Narcotics Anonymous is not well known and meetings can be difficult to find for newcomers but I can work to change that.  I continue to attend regularly in person and virtual meetings. I rely on historical literature. I do believe that newcomers will eventually find us or die trying. I carry a message in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and carry my recovery in society as well.

A cured addict?

As a recovering addict who’s moved to a country where going to treatment is free, there seems to be more of a desire to live drug free lives free of an NA program than I’ve seen in other groups before. It appears to me that there’s an active culture of coming to meetings but never actually working a program, and moreover, many people stop going to Narcotics Anonymous or working a program once they start feeling good. Although it’s something that happens worldwide, I’ve personally never seen it affect the culture of meetings to this extent before.

I’ve struggled understanding the phenomena of stopping when it’s working. To gain understanding I’ve previously looked at it as a part of the self-destructive nature of our disease; “Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar”, as cited from chapter three of our Basic Text. But I was just recently discussing this with another addict who gave me a new perspective on what I’d previously seen as just a self-defeating aspect of the nature of our disease. This addict suggested to me that it actually seems to be more of a reservation; the desire to live a ‘normal’ life. This ‘normal life’ free of needing what arrests our disease would let us go to work, study, have healthy relationships, a family, the car, without needing to put in work for it. In this reservation-shaped fantasy we wouldn’t need to surrender daily, to work on our recovery daily, but the good feelings would just naturally sustain themselves without effort. Although all reservations are self-defeating, this does look more like a reservation than just a manifestation of our self-defeating character. If we aren’t fully willing to accept what we need for our disease to be arrested, we’re not fully willing to accept our disease. We’re looking at the symptom of our disease – using drugs – as the problem, not us.

Treatment centers and the ‘cured’ addict

Now, knowing myself, to be fully honest about my defects of character; I’m resistant to treatment centers, and have my own preconceived notions and judgments. It’s hard for an addict not to. I’m sure it works for people and I’m really happy it does, it’s just not a part of my experience in recovery. Largely because it isn’t, I struggle with the idea of addicts coming to the Fellowship getting confused about institutions being necessary or even the way to get clean and find a new way of life, or getting confused about NA and institutions somehow being affiliated with each other, as our 6th tradition couldn’t speak against any stronger.

In my experience, reflecting on the addicts who stop coming to NA when they start feeling good, the ones I’ve seen go through this process are addicts who’ve gone to treatment centers. I do want to say I don’t believe this reservation only comes up for addicts who’ve gone to treatment, I’m solely basing this on my experience. But it does beg the question… Does the setup of treatment centers suggest addicts can be cured?

I don’t know what addicts are taught in treatment centers outside of what’s been told to me by some, but the natural setup of a closed institution where you spend a set amount of time sets you up to believe that your problems can be solved during your stay. I believe the natural setup of this brings about an attitude and belief around the symptom of our disease, using drugs, being our actual disease and actual problem. If addicts aren’t taught what the disease actually is, it also makes reservations about what being an addict actually entails more natural to lapse into. I do know that a lot of treatment centers make addicts refer to themselves not as addicts but in terms of the liquid drug or the narcotics, putting a lot of focus on the symptom instead of the real problem. The spiritual nature of our disease also seems to get lost in treatment center conversations. And if we don’t treat a spiritual disease on a spiritual level, the solution isn’t really the full solution, and surrender becomes more of a conditional, place-based act than an unconditional attitude.

An aspect of our spiritual condition as we’re taught in the program is also keeping what we have by giving it away. For those only acquainted with treatment, the spiritual practice of this principle isn’t integrated into any kind of daily program. Many stay in our Fellowship partially to give back what they’ve received; and if you don’t perceive you got what you needed from NA, you won’t see a need to give it back. The spiritual rewards of giving back will also remain foreign to those who are unable or unwilling to open their minds to a spiritual solution, which further causes one to believe that the solution is just to stop using, not changing our actions, attitudes and lives on a deeper level.

The solution?

We don’t want addicts leaving when they feel good. We offer a proven way to live a new way of life, and there’s no set amount of time on living. Addiction can never be cured because it’s not about the use of drugs, but it can be arrested on a daily basis if we have the willingness to live the program.

I don’t believe there’s a clear-cut solution to this problem. We can’t force an addict to recover and to stay in NA, as our experience and the program tells us. What we can do is make our message clear in meetings, and make sure to pay attention to the newcomer and make ourselves available; we can show them what it’s all about. We should love and cherish every addict as a spiritual extension of ourselves and look at carrying a clear Narcotics Anonymous message as an act of love. We don’t want to lose anyone to outside ideas or their own reservations. Our own experience of the program, shared, is effective. I’ve also found meetings focused on the 6th tradition to be effective in these scenarios.  

If we let our message become lost in the whirlwind of treatment center arrivals, we’re doing everyone a disservice. I don’t believe we’ll ever see the day a fully cured addict knocks on our door, but we can make sure to keep our program clear and available for those who are willing to join us. If we reach out our hands, God will do the rest; whatever that looks like.