Many people arrive at Narcotics Anonymous with the desire to stop using. Some see drugs as the problem and others are aware that addiction has shaped all aspects of their lives. I remember becoming aware of how people felt about my drug use, particularly those close to me. I started to see how I behaved. My actions suited my own needs with little concern of the needs of others. The longer I attended NA, the more aware I became of my actions and how I was using in other aspects of my life. I saw how often I was unwilling to even sacrifice a moment of my time to call someone. I prefer to talk to people I like and stand with people I know than concern myself with making newcomers feel welcome. I would use anything to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Narcotics Anonymous gave me the tools I needed to deal with uncomfortable feelings. There is only one requirement for membership in NA; A desire to stop using. Is there a price for freedom from active addiction? The Twelfth Step might hold the answer I seek.
Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of those steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Narcotics Anonymous, Step Twelve.
By completing the Twelve Steps, I take on a commitment to carrying a message to other addicts and the ongoing practice of principles in all my affairs. Intention and effort are the cost of membership. Sometimes I fall short. There are Three parts to Step Twelve and the first is having had a spiritual awakening because of the Twelve Steps. What that awakening looks like is unique for each member. I believe that a spiritual awakening might be nothing more than the ability to pause and consider a new way of living. This happened a lot in the early years of attending NA.
The second part is defining what is ‘this message’. I learned early on to carry my own personal message shared as Experience, Strength and Hope. It was important to me to realize that by focusing on my own journey, I had something of value to share with others. I know from researching a blog post on ‘complacency’ that it is easy to fall into a habit of sharing past experiences or clichés. Some days I am completely unaware of the difficulties of others because I am so self-absorbed in the amazing life I have. A ‘we’ program becomes a ‘me’ program easily. I tend to share feelings that I am comfortable with. I avoid sharing the pain of day to day struggles.
The final part of Step Twelve talks of practicing principles in all my affairs. I love the twelve spiritual principles listed in Step Twelve; hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring. It’s all the principles I need today. What constitutes ‘my affairs’ referenced in Step Twelve is something that I need awareness of. Recovery has opened the door, and everything is possible it would seem. Getting distracted from recovery is easy today with all the choices I have. I need to carefully consider what I am involved with and seek guidance from my Higher Power in my choices. My choices come with a price as well and I learned those are called consequences.
Some things we must accept, and others we can change. The wisdom to know the difference comes with growth in our spiritual program. If we maintain our spiritual condition daily, we find the pain and confusion easier to deal with. This is the emotional stability that we so badly need. With the help of our Higher Power, we never have to use again.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter nine ‘Just for Today, Living the Program’
It is interesting that by maintaining a spiritual condition, I’m also experiencing pain and confusion. Pain and confusion has become a choice now. Using numbs the pain and eases the confusion for me. Even in recovery I find I can end up getting and using, and finding the ways and means to get more. I remember reaching a point where I was addicted to being a part of the unhealthy cliques that are so common in NA. I thought that if someone in the program would just call or stop by for coffee, I would be happy. I was lonely and reliant on the attention of other addicts. Today, I’m much more careful with my relationships and I focus on giving back. I’m no longer interested in using NA as a social club. I was far from the path of recovery. Today, I showed up to do the work.
That only the desire to stop using is needed insures that no caste system will develop making one addict superior to another.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter six, Tradition Three
Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. That is why we are here. Unfortunately, some members lose the desire to stop using, and some meet regularly to help themselves. It seems to be the nature of the addict. I focus on members with a desire to stop using and those who meet regularly to help each other. I find the solution for me is in focusing on the practice of principles and in the application of the Twelve Traditions. I cannot do it alone; I must work with other members who also have a desire to stop using. My intent is to carry a message to the still suffering addict and sometimes that addict is me. I practice because I have faith that the program works, even when I feel pain and confusion.