Tag: Narcotics Anonymous

The Two Faces of Anonymity 

‘Anonymity’ is often heard in NA. I hear a lot of opinion but not as much experience about anonymity. Some addicts jump on the ‘personal anonymity’ bandwagon and share their opinions. Others discuss their opinions on ‘anonymity at the level of press, radio and film’.  I do not hear as much on ‘anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions’. For me, anonymity has two faces; what I experience and what the world sees.  

Our Principles Ahead of My Personality 

I love that our Basic Text has a chapter titled, “We Do Recover”.  In the Basic Text, Chapter 7, Recovery and Relapse, it warns, ‘We have observed some members who remain abstinent for long periods of time whose dishonesty and self-deceit still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.’ 

I love to participate in recovery and talk with members. I stack chairs or co-host virtual meetings with a great deal of love for this new way of life. What I no longer do is hang out with people in recovery. I tried for a long time. I do not have good skills that make relationships easy.  I have difficulties seeing the dishonesty and deceptions maintained by some members. I also need to be wary of these within myself.  Addiction is not just about drugs and affects all aspects of my life.  I believe that is true for all addicts. I avoid the toxic cliques and cult behaviors of some members. Some people use Fellowship like they used drugs.  I am not here to use. I want to help others find what I have found.  

Local service to NA is difficult where I live. I have tried to stay involved with delivering meeting lists locally for about ten years with no success. My personality will not allow some members to put principles first. Today, I practice principles with people outside of NA, as well. Narcotics Anonymous communities can become a repository for the dishonest and deceptive. Where else can addicts feel comfortable using? I remain vigilant because I see that I can be guilty of this.   

My world has improved. Healthy practice of spiritual principles is not exclusive to NA. I am fortunate to enjoy a rich life of service away from the local fellowship. My teachers are now kind, compassionate and generous members of society. My anonymity means they treat me at face value without the judgement I sometimes experience in NA. Once people know me, I can talk about recovery. They often accept me as the person I am today, not what I was in the past.  

The Spiritual Foundation of NA 

Anonymity for Narcotics Anonymous is critical. NA is relatively unknown to most of society. Anonymity does not mean we remain unknown. Anonymity means that what people learn is not opinions but facts. We are a Fellowship who meet regularly to help each other. This is a ‘help others’ program, not a self-help program. This fact seems lost to some members.  
Anyone can be a part of NA if they have a desire to stop using.  Groups are autonomous and governed by the conscience of the members of that group. I believe if anyone shows up regularly, with a desire to stop using, and a willingness to be a part of, they will enjoy great success in this new way of life. This new way of life includes carrying the message to other suffering addicts.  

I do a lot of research in my writing about NA and volunteering in addictions and mental health organizations. I estimate that about five percent of the population is in recovery. Where I live the population of addicts in recovery is about eighteen thousand based on a population of four hundred thousand. Most addicts struggle alone. Very few attend NA.  They are simply unaware of what this simple program has to offer.  

NA could be doing a much better job of carrying the message, in my opinion. I believe that it would benefit my recovery and my freedom to have a wider base, so I am passionate about Public Information. This was proven to me by the explosion of online NA during the COVID Pandemic. I have found tremendous support and compassion online. I have a higher level of freedom today, as a result.  

Tradition Twelve in the Basic Text offers fifteen lines of text that are so important to our Fellowship.  I love this phrase, ‘The spiritual foundation becomes more important than any one particular group or individual’. 

My addict screams for attention. Every opportunity to be seen, heard or acknowledged feeds my disease. My experience is that by joining together with other addicts I stand the best chance of staying clean today.  I balance my needs against the needs of a home group, by putting the needs of the group first. Anonymity ensures ‘We’ becomes more important than me.  

Narcotics Anonymous and the Cults

Early Recovery

Early recovery in Narcotics Anonymous was incredibly easy and difficult at the same time. The unconditional love of the Fellowship gave me a place to heal. I’ve never lost that feeling and even today I find great comfort attending meetings regularly.  The best part of Narcotics Anonymous is simply participating in the healing of others. I know of no greater source of joy.  What was difficult was taking my entire life and dumping it out on the floor to examine like a kitchen junk drawer. My relationships and my behaviors needed to be examined. My emotions were suppressed by the drugs I used. The dishonesty that came so easily no longer felt as comfortable.

Fellowship was easy early on because I surrounded myself with addicts in the same situations. We were all in a life raft, clinging together and hoping we survived. The constant losses of members who left to return to the depths of despair made the life raft even more valuable. Healing is a slow process and during that time I had the opportunity to talk to members about common experiences that we all shared. I found strength because of the Fellowship. I found hope in this new way of living in my own life and seeing the changes in others.  Freedom and gratitude became reality.  I learned that freedom comes with a cost and gratitude requires effort. When I reject one or the other complacency follows.

Navigating these new freedoms and expressing gratitude in Narcotics Anonymous is a source of conflict that grows more difficult with each passing day. There is a great parody that the lives we lived in the beginning created unity and the lives we live in later recovery create differences. We each have our own ideas of freedom and gratitude. Those differences can become divisions. I believe that it is the divisions that weaken our ties. I start to formulate opinions about what works and what healthy recovery looks like.  Opinions take on a life and soon my recovery becomes ridged. I create rules that start to sound like a sermon when I share. I find like-minded addicts who support my opinions. Unity becomes fragmented with divisions of addicts snarling like dogs over a scrap of food.   One definition of cults is a group of individuals whose beliefs and practices seem strange or even sinister to others.

“A cult is an authoritarian organization centred around a belief, that has rules and dogma and encourages its members to isolate themselves from those who would test their faith.”

I recently found this quote in an article called ‘Cult Thinking and How To Avoid It’ by Alex Marwood. She listed eight behaviors of cults and I found all of it is relevant to my ongoing recovery.

Othering or Manicheanism

Cults tend to isolate members from those who question their shared beliefs. There is a wonderful feeling of being included in the exclusive cult of like-minded members. I sought membership in Fellowship cults for more than a decade. The extreme end of the cult-like behavior is believing you are in a battle between good and evil. Cult members gather, socialize together and hold events. Sometimes they borrow the NA name for these exclusive gatherings. The recent World Convention of NA in Washington DC in 2024 was an example of such a cult gathering. Less than twenty thousand gathered, most of whom are fervent supporters of the Narcotics Anonymous World Service Corporation(NAWS). Opposing or voicing opinions that conflict with strong held beliefs can be dangerous because you will find yourself isolated from the support needed to overcome addiction. I was fortunate to attend and participate but I sought out members who think independently of the Cult of NAWS.

 I have found that supporting a Home Group is the healthiest way of remaining in NA. A healthy home group can include members who have little or nothing in common with each other. I invite discussion and welcome conflict.  Newcomers attending my home group regularly help keep my recovery vibrant and alive. I might disagree with every point someone makes but the fact that they are equally passionate about their beliefs keeps my recovery strong and benefits my Home Group. When members disagree and the Home Group arrives at solutions, newcomers get to see a Higher Power at work.

Evasiveness

Core beliefs of cult members can conflict with reality but are required to maintain status within the cult. Explanations about Narcotics Anonymous are shaped to maintain the core beliefs. Some core beliefs are lies propagated by the cult. For example, the phrase ‘global group conscience’ is a fictitious concept. This behavior is particularly evident in many of the service structures surrounding Narcotics Anonymous. Service bodies are rarely supported by Home Group conscience anymore.   Less than fifteen percent of World Service Conference motions are voted on by Home Groups. Some members’ behaviors would never be acceptable anywhere except in these service structures. Lying and presenting false evidence is common. The perception of power by aligning service structures to Narcotics Anonymous creates unhealthy relationships that are open to abuse. The original Basic Text approved by Home Groups included language that helped prevent this evasiveness and is growing in popularity. The approved Tradition Four specified that Narcotics Anonymous service structures were not part of the NA Fellowship. I am careful today to include volunteer work and relationships outside of NA in my recovery. This helps me to stay connected to reality. 

Marching, Chanting, Singing, Dancing

Clean Time countdowns highlight the importance of some members. This helps create power structures within the Fellowship that promote abuse. Clean time has little bearing in Narcotics Anonymous, but cult members overvalue the importance of years clean and past service commitments in assigning responsibilities.

Announcing upcoming recovery birthdays allows cult members to applaud loudly the upcoming event of another cult member. Big celebrations make rising stars in the cult feel important. Some members clap and chant NA slogans at recovery events. Hypnotists refer to these behaviors as Hypoxia. The behavior creates feelings of love and joy that renders the addict open to suggestion. Eventually your brain is programmed to reject reality and accept cult ideas as true. I do not participate in many events, and I remain silent until all the birthdays’ celebrations are read. I would not want anyone to feel less than. I try to avoid discussing my clean time, particularly when I share. I find that newcomers have a better connection when my sharing is current and relevant to my ongoing recovery.

Binary Thinking

Binary thinking is the illusion that there are two sides and you have to pick one. Cults reject individual thinking and tend towards group thinking. One example is Consensus Based Decision Making that has become increasingly popular in service structures by cult members. Intellectual papers on CBDM point out that group thinking is one of the flaws of CBDM because the solutions do not reflect the will of the individuals involved. It is not a surprise that cult members embrace it. Service Structures are growing increasingly independent from the Group Conscience of NA Groups by employing CBDM. Narcotics Anonymous has an entire Tradition devoted to the importance of Group Conscience that is often ignored. Each individual member shares equal responsibility in NA and I find that is best expressed at a Home Group.

“It’s Quite Simple”

Life is not simple. Simple solutions often involve long discussions and compromise. Individual groups and members can differ in opinions and ideas. Cult members hold on to cult ideas and rely on dogma. Cult members like to say ‘it’s quite simple’ when, in fact, it is not. Discussions about historical literature, DRT/MAT, verification papers, fund flow and Public Relations have all been discussed and decided by cult members. Cults already have the answers. Life is simple when I abdicate my responsibilities to the cult of popular opinion. I try and maintain separation from members who believe they have all the answers. I embrace honesty, open-mindedness and willingness in myself and others. Healthy discussions within a home group promote unity and create an atmosphere of love.

Projection

Projection is when I see my negative characteristics in others. These projections say more about me than others. Cults do not want individuals to seek answers within themselves, because those beliefs might conflict with core beliefs of cult members. When I understand my beliefs then I can discuss our differences. Learning to compromise or allowing others to learn their own lessons by making mistakes is valuable. When I understand my own beliefs and allow others to have their beliefs then we can find compromise. This practice is a valuable part of being in a Home Group. The tools learned are valuable to me and help me survive outside of my Home Group.

Firing Your Friends

Firing friends who go against the cult is important if you want status within the cult. It is uncomfortable to have relationships with friends who do not support the cult. Learning to experience uncomfortable feelings is an important part of recovery. I have a lot of friends today. I have never been so supported and loved.  Anyone I encounter is going to behave or believe in something that can make me feel uncomfortable. How I resolve those feelings is important if I am;

‘enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society’

Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, ‘Recovery and Relapse’, preamble.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is a feeling that jolts me when evidence does not support something I believe to be true. Critical examination of the facts is not easy, and I try repeatedly to return to complacency; a smug satisfaction with my life and my beliefs. Cult members take this to the extreme by only interacting with other cult members and this allows them to avoid cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance occurs often in healthy people. I believe that the ability to question your beliefs is healthy. I find that cognitive dissonance jolts me into being open-minded and I try to follow that up with a willingness to explore new ideas. A great source of strength is newcomers who challenge my long-held beliefs. Step Ten encourages me to inventory myself with the help of others.

Finally…

I find the best place to share about my ongoing practice of spiritual principles is my Home Group, and the opportunity to connect with someone new is the greatest joy I know. A newcomer to my Home Group presents an opportunity to grow spiritually. I try to share my experiences and not my gratitude. Gratitude is best expressed in my actions. I love Narcotics Anonymous, and I love my recovery today. I don’t talk about gratitude, I show it daily by working on a program of recovery, the NA way. I have a Home Group and a sponsor. I attend meetings regularly and I actively participate in giving back what was freely given to me.

Money, Property and Prestige?

I have recently experienced a couple situations that got me thinking about Narcotics Anonymous and money. I should change the word thinking to pondering. I was taught not to overthink things and keep it simple. I guess that is my reason to ponder more because I am seeing things done in Narcotics Anonymous that are different than what I was taught. Change happens but some of these changes feel wrong.

A Change In The Way Recovery Is Administered

I was always taught by my predecessors that we should not collect more money than we need. And that money we do collect needs to be used responsibly. Early on in my recovery I found this to be simple. I was taught to put my 7th Tradition contribution in the basket and participate in my homegroup to discuss and determine how those funds are used. What is sent to the area for services like H&I, Public Information and most importantly how the area serves the groups. Then funds can be sent to the region to help support the areas.  Sounds easy enough right? Not so much anymore. Over the past few years, I have seen a change in the way recovery is administered to people coming in the doors. I see changes in group spending. I see changes in area funds and how they are collected. I see and hear folks talk about and doing fundraising for everything.

Groups

So, let’s start with groups. I understand that groups are autonomous to make their own decisions. I just get uncomfortable when I see groups throw big BBQs and food parties at the group level using funds from the 7th Tradition basket. I even saw a group take the 7th Tradition funds and separate it into two pots of money. One pot was used for what I was taught we use 7th Tradition funds for.  Things like rent, coffee, literature. The other pot was used for special activities like BBQs. The food and venue would be paid for using 7th Tradition funds. Then the two pots of money would be shifted back and forth depending on what event was happening and how much money was needed to throw a free party. Holding a speaker meeting at the party was claimed to be “carrying the message.” My teaching was meetings are where the recovery begins and is learned. If I attend a group activity, I pay my own way by buying a ticket and help with the event. Sure, parties are fun, but I would prefer to supply every person with literature instead of charging for the books. (When I came in, I was so sick I did not understand why I needed literature, but I saw that everyone had it, so I stole my first book.) Today I understand the lifesaving nature of literature and the need to read and study it. (And I clearly do not understand why a homegroups needs their own t-shirts. But that may be a story for another day.) We do not need parties to stay clean. We need to be taught about recovery and as you progress and stay clean the parties and conventions will come.

Conventions

I am an experienced person in many levels and types of service. I am grateful that I was taught service very early on and it is a powerful tool to stay clean. I have always been good with convention committees. I enjoy seeing people learn to have fun and stay clean. (I connected getting loaded to having fun. Didn’t think it was possible clean) Lately I feel myself getting a bad taste for conventions. I recently served on a convention committee that had $75,000 left after all the bills had been paid. (This convention makes that same excess every year.)  As I watched the money coming in my stomach rumbled. My gut was reacting to charging money for a ticket for every single activity that was held at the convention. (registration, merchandise, dinner, breakfast, dances, comedians, raffles, etc.) When I suggested doing the dance and comedians at no cost the committee looked at me like I had horns. How could I suggest such a horrible thing? (A donation fund for newcomers is always set up at this convention and those newcomer funds are never fully spent.) What is wrong with doing events at no cost when the convention is left with so much overage in funds? Instead, at the end of the convention we are arguing over what to do with the excess money. I see money from conventions, retreats, campouts, etc. being given to other areas and events instead of reducing things like registration fees. To me conventions and activities are special events we do but we are still responsible to be self-supporting. These events are done in the name of Narcotics Anonymous but are not Narcotics Anonymous. Many people disagree with me on that point. For me it comes down to staying clean. If I never attend another special event or convention, I will stay clean by using the tools. My recovery is not based on my attendance at conventions.

Grandiosity

I guess I see more grandiosity than I feel is needed. Let’s get back to keeping it simple. I am still an avid attendee at meetings and prefer literature studies. I still participate in service in many ways. Service has saved me more than once. I will continue to serve and discuss issues that do not sit well with my sponsor. I will try to be part of the solution. I can disagree but will not participate where I feel conflict with group or committee practices. I will pick more closely what I feel is the best option for the most.

Home Group Devotional

Narcotics Anonymous

Narcotics Anonymous has no pledges to sign and no promises to make. Some members may not find relief from using drugs immediately, but I have seen that happen countless times at my home group. There are no membership fees, and I am free to come and go as I please. I have learned that my personal recovery depends on unity with others, like me, who have struggled with drug addiction. I accept that I have a desire to stop using, and I seek a new way to live. This motivates me daily.  That way includes the support of others and a commitment to helping other addicts who struggle with their addiction. My experience is that it is best done within a Home Group. This Fellowship is all encompassing, and anyone can join my Home Group. My commitment to my Home Group is a devotion; a loyalty and love that knows no bounds.

Meet Regularly to Help Each Other

The Narcotics Anonymous literature says we meet regularly to help each other. This is a Fellowship that provides the unconditional love and experiences of other members like myself. We meet often enough to serve my needs and the needs of others.  I am neither too big nor too small to find a place here. Everything in Narcotics Anonymous that occurs outside of my Home Group is not of my concern. I have learned to trust my higher power care for my life and the lives of others. My ideas, big and small, have a home here in my home group. With the support of a Group Conscience, I can achieve great things. Good ideas that have not found their right time and bad ideas too, will fall away. It helps me put everything in perspective outside of Narcotics Anonymous when I am in society. The practical application of spiritual principles within a group allows me to function outside the group.

Powerful Addictions

I believe today that the most powerful addiction affecting me is manipulation and control. I participate in a Narcotics Anonymous Home Group for help and to help.  I learn to balance my recovery with the recovery of others. I learn the importance of having a secretary record our decisions accurately so that the will of the Group stays ahead of the will of an individual. I see how important it is to have a treasurer who manages our funds carefully to sustain the group and carry a message to the still suffering addict. My group lives or dies by the decisions we make, and how we support ourselves. No one will pay our bills if we are frivolous, and addicts will die if they do not know we are here. Sometimes my home group will try and work with others. We send a trusted servant who can carry our collective will to achieve some goal. We are also able to walk away from any situation that jeopardizes our unity, our autonomy and our collective freedom. Strong personalities do not fare well within a group and sometimes a group struggles to grow because of this. These lessons help me when I am outside the group participating in society or working with other groups.

WCNA#38

I recently attended an event known as the World Convention of NA #38 because of the generosity of others. It was a powerful display. I heard many members with powerful experiences and strong opinions speak either at the podium or in private conversations. I was overwhelmed with emotion to meet up with home group members who were able to attend. I hugged each of them and wept openly. My life depends on these people more than Narcotics Anonymous will ever understand. The joy was indescribable.

I was saddened to hear the Executive Director of the NAWS corporation speak of willfully using Narcotics Anonymous funds to pursue his personal agenda. Theft should never be taken lightly. It was upsetting to hear him speak of being pushed to the point of violence when confronted with words. Violence is the language of the ignorant. I hope he returns to his home group and finds acceptance and unconditional love.

Apparently, the convention will lose money. My hope is that those groups who supported this event will learn an important lesson.  It is unfortunate that such a small number of groups support the World Service Conference, and the NAWS corporation because they bear full responsibility for the loss. The worst part for me is the lending of the ‘Narcotics Anonymous’ name to these outside enterprises.   Overdue bills and the behaviors of those outside of Narcotics Anonymous damages our reputation when associated with NA. Better care should be the lesson learned when assigning a Home Group’s responsibilities to a service structure. Fortunately, Narcotics Anonymous has become so large that the loss of the World Service Conference, The NAWS corporation, any service structure or groups will not affect Narcotics Anonymous as a whole.

Groups May Create Service Boards and Committees

When a group gives authority to an outside enterprise, they create the perfect opportunity for our sickest members to govern. Great care should be taken when assigning any responsibilities and accountabilities. The actions of our trusted servants should always be taken with great humility.

The Cabals of Narcotics Anonymous

Cabals

When I first came to Narcotics Anonymous, I smoked tobacco cigarettes. I started when I was twelve years old. Using tobacco was more rebellion than a serious commitment at that age. Addiction developed progressively as I grew older and by eighteen, I was a full-time cigarette smoker. I tried to quit several times. I continued to smoke for about ten years after coming to NA. I loved the social aspects of smoking especially when I stood outside of a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I was so lonely, and socializing became a drug. Often my relapse from trying to quit smoking was at an NA meeting. There were a lot of members willing to help me relapse.  Talking to members who continued to smoke was insightful. I have a better understanding today of my obsession and compulsion to use, and I am grateful I was able to quit smoking. A cabal is a group of individuals with a vested interest in promoting an idea. When I got clean it was very popular to stop for a smoke break at the halfway point in the meeting.  Some members fought very hard to keep this practice alive. There was nothing spiritual about their desire from my perspective. Some meetings continue the practice today.  What other groups do is none of my business. It is also not the business of my home group, or of NA, as a whole.

Our Way of Life

I was taught early in recovery is what unites us as a Fellowship is the desire to stop using. I try and keep an awareness of that desire by looking at my thoughts and behaviors daily. I am happy to be free of cigarettes and understand that not everyone makes that choice. Addition takes many forms. Early attempts at writing literature must have been full of conflicting viewpoints.   I love to study the rich history of Narcotics Anonymous and the evolution of literature. Everyone has opinions about what is or is not recovery and what constitutes using. My understanding of Narcotics Anonymous is expressed in early literature.

Banded together in groups, or sometimes alone, we aim to help fellow users recover health. Not being reformers, we offer our experience only to those who want it. There are no fees – N.A. is a vocation. Each member squares his debt of gratitude by helping other addicts to recover. In so doing he maintains his own freedom from the habit.

Our Way of Life, An introduction to NA, Cleveland Narcotics Anonymous, 1963.

Reformers

Reformers want to make changes. I find it difficult to not form opinions about what works or does not work. Complacency is the enemy of members with clean time and I believe that the progression is natural.  My opinions can be destructive to unity, but I may persist in expressing a viewpoint. I try to deny people the experiences that they may need.  Shared opinions help to create a cult-like environment. I find that some members are willing to promote opinions about Narcotics Anonymous. One definition of a cult is when cabals promote imaginary rules about the treatment of a disease. Narcotics Anonymous is not a cult despite the efforts of some members. NA has no opinion about smoking tobacco, but it has clear ideas about using, dishonesty and self-deception.

We operate in an atmosphere of complete acceptance and respect for one another’s beliefs.  We try to avoid the arrogance of self-righteousness, because it is one of the deadliest forms of self-deception. Even though we avoid pushing any ideas on anyone, we do suggest, strongly, that each person make an honest attempt to find a Power greater than themselves.

Grey Book, Memphis Tennessee Draft, dated February 15th, 1981. Chapter 4 – “Step 12”.

The Narcotics Anonymous literature says that there are self-seekers (people who put their own needs ahead of Fellowship). The literature says we meet regularly to help each other but the truth is that some only meet to help themselves. We also have members who remain abstinent but continue to act on old behaviors.

Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Grey Book, Memphis Tennessee Draft, Chapter 7 “Recovery and Relapse”, preamble.

Cabals seem to form from the self-seekers, dishonest and self-deception of members. I’m ok with having my own ideas about recovery but acting with other members to manipulate the truth is a whole different level of addiction.

The Home Group

Critical to my recovery is a commitment to a Home Group. I can pick my friends, but I try not to control who joins my home group. The diversity of a home group benefits my recovery. The unconditional love we offer each other is the foundation of any home group I have ever supported. The worst examples of recovery also have a place in my Home Group. I benefit from being inclusive and so does my group. Some days I am the worst example of recovery. Hearing a shared experience is what wakes me up to reality. Connecting with reality shows how I have been using behaviors or holding on to old ideas.  Those awakenings can occur slowly as I continue to attend. I find that a newcomer will add a better perspective than someone who has been attending regularly. I can become blind to the disease and my perspective is altered by the company I keep. Newcomers refresh our Fellowship with new ideas.

The Traditions make sense

My experience is that sometimes I need to change home groups. This can be a win win situation when the dynamics become intolerable. My personality ahead of the principles of a group or cabal. I can take my opinions and experiences and move on to another group. A healthy group is not dictated by the demands of a single member or cabal. Narcotics Anonymous Tradition Two; “For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience.” There are no rules and no governing bodies. Groups, like individuals, vary greatly. I do not recognize any version of Narcotics Anonymous beyond the Group level. The Traditions make sense to me when I only consider Groups as NA. I see a Fellowship that is structure free. Groups only benefit from trusted servants when the servants do not govern. Lending the NA name to conventions, service bodies and any enterprise promotes the self interest of the enterprise and as such, a cabal is created. A group trying a new idea can result in other groups benefiting from the experience. We ought not be organized as organizations require rules and can be corrupted by the cabals of NA.

Self-Obsession

Self-Obsession is the Core of Our Disease.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd edition, Chapter 5 ’What Can I Do?’, line 38.

The title of this blog is a line from the Basic Text and this information changed everything for me. My understanding did not come overnight but over time. It was a slow progression that changed my life to the one I lead today. To the best of my ability, I have learned to live, moment to moment. There is a balance I work hard to maintain, like a hiker moving forward, carefully testing each step. Regardless of the terrain, each step forward is part of a journey and when I lose focus on the moment, I tend to fall. Sometimes the terrain is difficult and sometimes not but when I lose focus, I can find myself lying on the ground, having encountered some unseen root or stone.  Equally important is the path I take because self-obsession is always present. That is the critical role that the Traditions play in my life. The Traditions have become as important as the Steps for me. Without the Twelve Traditions, self-obsession can be the core of my recovery. The Twelve Traditions are truly the ties that bind us together.

A Using Addict Attracts Addicts Who Are Using.

I first started to notice the impact that self-obsession played on my life when I had over a year clean. Time and time again I would find myself struggling with some decision or dealing with some feeling that was entirely based on the impact it would have on my life. I would be angry and pout because my family wanted to go shopping at the mall, which I hated. The division of chores in our household seemed unfair. I often felt like I worked harder than my coworkers and lacked the recognition I deserved. The awareness did not always lead to change. I found it difficult to stop using people, places and things. When I was able to stop, I often felt a deep sense of loss. Maintaining a desire to stop using required effort. Eventually I was able to listen and learn from others a new way to live. Sometimes the distance from stopping using to learning a new way to live was measured in years.  Smoking cigarettes was a problem for me, and it took a decade to finally stop. I needed to walk away from the cluster of smoking addicts at every meeting I attended.  I wanted to be popular and well liked but a using addict hangs with addicts that are using.  I was finally able to surrender my addiction to Fellowship. I had grown co-dependent on Narcotics Anonymous as a social club. My awareness of the disease is critical to my success. Every day I am faced with challenges and my sense of entitlement marches along in step.

Help Others Program

My circle of friends and support is smaller today than previous. I am weary of the abusive nature of addicts. Even within a Home Group I find addicts consumed with self-interest.  I am not interested in treatment centers and the focus on character defects and character development. Self-obsession is the natural progression of addicts without the 12 Traditions. Narcotics Anonymous has instilled in me a sense of love for myself and that came from experiencing the unconditional love of the Fellowship. I seek a true Fellowship of addicts with a desire to stop using. I know of no other method of showing gratitude than the selfless expression of my time and energy. Each time I surrender, I lose nothing but a false sense that my needs might be met. My reliance is on the God of my understanding to put me where I need to be. I learned a lot of this from applying the Twelve Traditions in a Home Group. I am less afraid, and I have better focus on the tasks at hand. NA is where I serve. I take responsibility for all aspects of my recovery. I am less concerned with being served. I know of no other way to live with the disease of addiction than the NA way. We meet regularly to help each other. NA is not a self-help program but is primarily a help others program.   

The Promulgator of Narcotics Anonymous

My wife and I discussed cults when I first started attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings. One of her coworkers had attended the NA Fellowship and assured my wife that NA was not a cult and the people I was connecting with were good people. I used to live with a lot of social anxiety and fear dominated my world. I tentatively started to explore Narcotics Anonymous and all that was available. I noticed that suggestions seemed to be presented as facts. ‘Do the Steps or Die!!’ sounded like a rule when I was new. I have found that expressing opinions has become a natural progression of both the disease and my recovery. Sometimes I share ideas about ‘how things are done’, and sometimes I simply like the sound of my own voice.  A promulgator is someone who announces a code of law. It gets easier as the years go by to have opinions and express them. I no longer find it helpful. One of my favorite definitions of a cult and source of the word promulgator;

‘Cult – a system for the cure of disease based on dogma set forth by its promulgator’

Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary

Experienced Members

I have ideas about what works and what does not. Sometimes my ideas are helpful and accurate, but I have learned that I cannot deny other people the same lessons I learned. Doing the wrong thing for the wrong reasons has opened my eyes to new solutions and a better understanding of honesty, open mindedness, and willingness. Our literature talks about this subject.

Sharing with fellow addicts is a basic tool in our Program. This help can only come from another addict. It is help that says, “I have had something like that happen to me, and I did this….” For anyone who wants our way of life, we share experience, strength and hope instead of preaching and judging. If sharing the experience of our pain helps just one person, it will have been worth the suffering. We strengthen our own recovery when we share it with others who ask for help. If we keep what we have to share, we lose it. Words mean nothing until we put them into action.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter Five, ‘What Can I Do’

The critical ideas that I take from this paragraph are that we avoid ‘preaching and judging’. I also need to understand when someone is asking for help. The most important part of recovery for me today is humility and that requires that I share experiences rather than opinions. My opinions are based on complacency, the enemy of members with clean time. My actions are critical to my success.

Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual, not religious program. Any clean addict is a miracle, and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender and growth. For an addict, not using is an abnormal state. We learn to live clean. We learn to be honest with ourselves and think of both sides of things. Decision-making is rough at first. Before we got clean, most of our actions were guided by impulse. Today, we are not locked into this type of thinking. We are free.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter Eight, ‘We Do Recover’

Living in an Abnormal State

It is uncomfortable being in an abnormal state of not using but today I have adjusted. I am approaching twenty-two years in the program. I do have experiences to share but I also have a lot of unnecessary dogma. Separating the two is challenging. I ‘use’ my clean time to try to enforce rules rather than explaining the experiences that brought me to my understanding. Listening to both sides of the same argument over and over can be boring and frustrating. I cannot be the whole program to any individual. Doing the work means I participate in service and talk with members. I cannot take responsibility for your recovery. The things that I find attractive about recovery you might find repulsive. I find recovery is about helping others but for some, it is simply helping themselves.

I am free today and I want you to be free as well. Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual program. Sometimes I behave like NA is a religion or a cult. I believe in the dogma and surround myself with like-minded members. Little cliques of experienced members were scary in the beginning but now I understand that many are self-seekers with little concern for others. Some days I pretend I am in recovery and create my own little cliques to protect myself from reality. I feel safe when I am a part of even if it’s for the wrong reasons. I am always seeking a balance between taking responsibility and participating for my recovery.

Events and Conventions

I feel the urge to go to events and conventions and pretend I am carrying the message rather than participate in carrying the message. The reality is that the world is full of people I neither like nor agree with. The best place for me to find recovery is in the diversity of my Home Group. I have friends and enemies in a healthy home group. This is the best representation of Fellowship that I can experience and a source of strength. The strength of those relationships is what I take into the world that exists outside of NA. I learn to take responsibility for my actions. I also participate in group consciousness at every business meeting for my home group. I participate in the atmosphere of recovery when I attend meetings regularly at my home group. What I learn I can carry to other groups I attend and in all my relationships.

Home Group

I will make sure that my Home Group is available to any addict seeking recovery. I distribute meeting lists and monitor how many newcomers attend each meeting. A count of the number of newcomers and people coming back are the only attendance records my group keeps. Actions form the basis of my recovery and are the actions I take with me in my relationships outside of NA. Today, I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society, exactly as our literature promises.

The Smoking Addict

I was glad when I came to NA that I could stand outside a meeting and smoke cigarettes. It was fun to be a part of and connect with other addicts. I first started attending meetings in 2002, in British Columbia, Canada. Sometimes we would joke with each other about ‘using’ cigarettes and have a conversation about nicotine addiction. There was always a person who would point out that Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on smoking and it was not considered a drug. We would laugh and tease each other. I felt a sense of connection with smokers. Some members were clearly not ready to stop smoking. Some members were clear that smoking was something they were not willing to even consider as an addiction. I loved to smoke so I could understand. I was a happy smoker for many years.

Quitting Smoking

I continued to smoke for about 10 years after I found Narcotics Anonymous. I saw it as an addiction. I would stop using, but I did not lose the desire to stop right away, and I returned to the habit time and time again. Sometimes, my first cigarette was after a meeting. I was finally able to stop using cigarettes, lose the desire to use and I learned a new way to live. One tool that was valuable was walking past the smokers after leaving the meeting. I found it difficult to maintain my recovery while hanging with people who used. It was lonely at first, and sometimes it still is. Sometimes I watch the smokers and wonder how nice it would be to be a part of again. Once I made the commitment to being a non-smoker, my life got easier and I found new friends.

Quitting Other Addictions

In 2018 I went to my last convention. Quitting conventions was not as difficult. I just tired of using NA meetings and events as a social club. Using NA was a symptom of my disease. A using addict attracts addicts who are using. The literature talks about using people, places, and things. I stopped getting involved in Fellowship service structures as well. Manipulation and control are powerful drugs. I’m not surprised by the small turnout of members for service in some places.  Some service committees are quite healthy. I watch for well attended committees as one symptom of health. Once I expanded the concept of using from drugs to all aspects of living, it became increasingly difficult to hang with people who are using. I see members who ‘need’ a meeting, like it’s a fix. Some members return again and again to service positions never seeing the destruction they cause. Making the transition to enjoying complete recovery and acceptance in society was the most difficult process of recovery. I need to completely abandon dishonesty and self-deception each day. Today my new life feels not only possible but enjoyable. I maintain boundaries today. I love helping and giving back in and out of the Fellowship. NA has taught me a new way to live.

Virtual NA

The COVID pandemic was an amazing opportunity to be of service and help others. I feel like I have learned so much these last few years. I love attending NA meetings and I participate in two home groups. I find myself attending more meetings than ever. It is very important to continue my online life and I also support the local recovery community. The number of people who support me has grown and connecting with healthy addicts has been beneficial to my recovery. I seek out those members who still have a desire to stop using. Clean time is inconsequential and almost seems detrimental. The longer I am clean I find I am prone to putting my opinion ahead of the experience of others.  I learn valuable lessons about the practice of spiritual principles with the support of others who are also trying to stop using. Spiritual principles are not exclusive to NA members. My support group grows constantly.

A Good Home Group

I love a good home group.  I know that we meet regularly to help each other. It is a unique part of NA where addicts can carry a message to newcomers and support each other. I show up with a good attitude and I’m open to new ideas where I can help. I also ask for help quicker than ever before. What I avoid are the members who are using or have no desire to help. I must accept that is where some people are at. I try not to be judgmental, but a good dose of judgement keeps me in recovery and not influenced by other people’s behaviors.   Someone reminded me that ‘we are sick people’ and I remind myself that includes me. I needed to lower my expectations of members. The safest place for me to be is in my home group and if it is not safe, I can find another group. I’m loved and accepted for who I am regardless of how the disease affects my life today.  

A Divided Fellowship Emerges

My Writing

My writing sometimes reflected the confusion I felt.  At the time, I was not really clear in my mind about the truths and I was still in the grip of the Cult of NAWS. I attracted new contacts and found support to continue writing with each article. Each conversation, and each person who took time to help me became a cherished member of my support group. I was fortunate to develop a new support group of compassionate, generous, and loving individuals.  I have found it difficult to separate myself from my resentments sometimes. I tried communicating my viewpoints in articles without making them come across like I was the voice of Narcotics Anonymous. I was not always pleased with the results of my writing. Effective communications skills have been one of the benefits of this writing experience these last few years and my personal recovery has benefited from being connected to a global Fellowship. I have found it so odd to be denied the opportunity to distribute meeting lists and worse, criticized for printing them at my own cost.  Now I see the cult mentality of some members.  The transition from a cult mentality to a Fellowship mentality was difficult for me but I persisted in attending meetings regularly. I feel very grateful to have experienced the cult mentality of some members. The Merriam/Webster Dictionary online offers one definition of cult.

“a system for the cure of disease based on dogma set forth by its promulgator”

[https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cult]

I had to look up promulgator as well.

“(law) one who promulgates laws (announces a law as a way of putting it into execution)”

“law, jurisprudence – the collection of rules imposed by authority; ‘civilization presupposes respect for the law’; ‘the great problem for jurisprudence to allow freedom while enforcing order’”

“lawgiver, lawmaker – a maker of laws; someone who gives a code of laws”

[https://www.thefreedictionary.com/promulgator]

I cringed when I read this because of my own behaviors.  Some days I feel terrible about myself because I was caught up in ego and no longer sharing my experience, strength, and hope. I often become a promulgator. My humility opened the door to empathy to others who suffered in a similar way.

Having an opinion is different than sharing your experience.  I can try to communicate ‘my experience is that attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings regularly has helped me a great deal’. Unfortunately, my experiences often come out as opinions. I still say that you should attend ninety meetings in ninety days before you have an idea of what NA is about. That’s an opinion and other members might share that same opinion. We start to chant this dogma as if it is a law. Narcotics Anonymous literature suggests we attend a meeting daily for ninety days. Anyone who shares different ideas about this or tries different ways than this can become open to criticism, contempt, and exclusion from the cult.  

I immersed myself in Narcotics Anonymous for more than a decade in the beginning. I was fully engulfed in the cult of NAWS. Many cult members are promulgators. I attended a lot of meetings both online and in person the first year. Online or virtual meetings existed early on but have never been recognized by the NAWS corporation. This added to my confusion about what is and is not Narcotics Anonymous. A virtual group has never been able to register and be recognized by the NAWS corporation. I did become involved in service, attended events, and looked to the Fellowship for friendships and support with mixed results in my first decade.

Facts and Opinions

Separation of opinions, facts and experiences is very difficult when anyone is communicating. I can see early in the development of the service structures how members would weave their ideas using all three of these mechanisms for communication.  In the 1980 World Service Conference minutes, Jimmy Kinnon, a respected member of NA and one of the founders from that first meeting in 1953, was responding to a question from those in attendance by stating that;

“page 22 of the Service Manual states what WSO is – a non-profit corporation. Most questions are answered in this section of Service Manual. Stated that WSO is more of a business than it is part of the Fellowship. WSO is separate from N.A. but works with N.A. WSO, Inc. functions as a non-profit corporation with Managers, administrators, Departments, paid employees (not at present but hopefully in the future), subsidiaries ·and the like.”

[NA History Tree website, World Service Conference Minutes, 1980, page 11] [https://nahistorytree.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1980-wsc-minutes.pdf]

He was expressing facts and opinions. He quoted guidelines from the current service manual. Likely he was referencing the 1979 3rd Edition of the Service Manual. See – [http://www.nauca.us/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/1979-3rd-Edition-Service-Manual.pdf]

In the same minutes, Chuck Skinner, Chairman of the Board of Trustees was asked a question.

“what course of action on groups not following suggested 12 Step of N A. and more importantly, the 12 Traditions of N.A. ( ie . ,dissention ,non-participation at Area Service, inter-relations with outside interest groups ). “

Chuck stated that.

“any area where there is a violation of the Traditions, the 1st step would be for the Region that is dealing with that organization that is violating the Traditions be informed that they are to cease and desist. If they refuse, notify WSO who will in turn send the cease and desist information. If that fails, notification to the Board of Trustees who, with the WSO , will take any necessary legal action. Question from the floor re : this issue in which an issue such as this was brought to a Region’s attention and that things would be left as is until the Conference . Chuck stated that if a Tradition is being violated, it should be taken care of immediately . Question was what does the Region do in terms of meeting directories. Chuck stated that no assistance should be offered to any breakings of the Traditions. Remove these meetings from the directories forthwith. That would be the first action. Notifying the people as such in front. “

[WSC Minutes, 1980, page 15]

[WSC Minutes, 1980, page 15]

Leadership is highly valued but often abused

Chuck’s comments are purely opinion and had no basis in fact. None of his recommendations were backed by any policies or procedures.  His opinions had some weight given his position and time in Narcotics Anonymous. As a ‘trusted servant’ his duty is to serve the groups and not his own personal agenda or falsely represent ideas as fact.  Unfortunately, it is a common problem and one I experience daily in attending meetings. The ability to include or exclude any Group simply did not exist and has never existed. This idea of exclusion has become a strong dividing point in the development of the cult of NAWS service structures. Shunning and excluding is normal practice within the cult of NAWS Inc. It is of little surprise how few groups now support area, region and world services when this is put into practice.

The internal problems with defining service structures got worse over the next ten years. By 1990, the Fifth edition of the Basic Text was in print and had been altered by the WSO and the Board of Trustees to reflect the opinions of a select few rather than the original Basic Text that was approved by groups in 1981. Many early supporters of the WSC had fled in disgust. What was left was a minority who embraced this imposing service structure and sought to increase the power and control of this fledgling cult. This article highlighted my early ideas about the Cult of NAWS.

Actions of My Obsessions

I find that the most difficult aspect of the disease of addiction is obsessive thoughts. The obsessions combined with compulsive behaviors fueled many strange and unusual situations in my life. I believe that attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings finally broke the cycle of acting on compulsive behaviors. I found freedom by listening to others and sharing my experiences. Today I can identify my thoughts and choose to act differently.  I still suffer from the disease of addiction but I did not have to act on every impulsive behavior. I see that the actions of my obsessions is using. I have heard many addicts share that first we stop using, then we lose the desire to use, and finally achieve a new way to live.  I realized the extent of the disease when I was over fourteen years clean. I found myself alone, caught in lies and self-deception and nowhere to turn to. Alone, I ended up spiraling out of control. I found a solution in my desperation. The solution was found in the Primary Purpose of Narcotics Anonymous.

Primary Purpose

Our primary purpose is to stay clean and to carry the message to the addict who still suffers.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter two, ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?’

Staying clean by attending meetings was and remains primary to my recovery. I must look at my life with fresh eyes each day. Complacency is the enemy of members with two days or two decades clean. It is simply not enough to attend a meeting. I need to actively engage in recovery and that means helping others. Helping others can be a challenge. I am still prone to delusional thoughts that trap me in cyclical thinking. That is why I maintain a relationship with a Home Group. I surround myself with members who have a desire to stop using. Using drugs brought me to NA but now I am aware that using involves lots of different behaviors. I have fallen into the trap of surrounding myself with addicts who are using; people, places and things will distract any of us from recovery. The literature says ‘Tell us about your problem and how we can help’; If you are unwilling or blind to the problems in your life or the lives of those around you, how am I able to help? Not every home group member has a desire to stop using. Some members are self-seekers. Narcotics Anonymous literature talks about the Self-Seeker.

Self-Seeker; a person who primarily pursues their own interest or selfish ends.

From https://www.dictionary.com

It is not that surprising to find self-seekers in NA. Narcotics Anonymous states that ‘self-obsession’ as the core of the disease. I am careful with who is in my life today. It is easy to end up within a group of self-seekers. You need look no further than the social cliques that form in everyday life. Addicts pretend they are in recovery by surrounding themselves with people who enjoy similar pursuits. The result is hundreds attending a convention and only a few attending a service committee. It is easy to convince myself that I’m not using if my friends are doing the same things.

However, many will become the role models for newcomers to follow while…the self-seekers soon find they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster to themselves. Many of them change; they learn we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, ‘Tradition Two’

Home Group

The Home Group relationships I have are the most important ones in my life today. I cannot control who joins a group but I can control who is in my social circles. I find myself turning away from the conflicts within the Home Group and seeking solstice within my social cliques. A subtle change in my attention is all the distraction my disease needs. My personal recovery depends on unity and that is best found in my home group. I can manipulate the people in my social circle. A home group is the best representation of a higher power in my life, and the greatest source of spiritual growth. There is strength in diversity. My disease will reject this and using people, places and things become my obsession. Eventually the cliques fail to feed my addiction and my isolation grows.

This is our road to spiritual growth. We change every day…to gradually, carefully and simply pull ourselves out of the isolation and loneliness of  addiction into the mainstream of life. This comes not from wishing, but from action and prayer. The main objective of Step Seven is to get out of ourselves and strive for achieving the will of our Higher Power.

Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, ‘Step Seven’

I enjoy complete recovery and acceptance in society when I can strip myself of dishonesty and self-deception. I have found freedom from the disease. I have become peaceful. The best vehicle for expressing love is in my relationships with society.