Tag: Narcotics Anonymous

Q&A: Two members’ experience with writing and compiling our Basic Text

After coming to NA, we found ourselves among a very special group of people who have suffered like us and found recovery. In their experiences, freely shared, we found hope for ourselves.

Basic Text, Chapter 2, ‘What Is the Narcotics Anonymous Program?’

How long were you clean for when you participated in this endeavor?

Pete B: I had just gotten back from my only relapse, which happened after my original 3 weeks clean and lasted for a weekend. I came back to my Homegroup in Bucks County, Pa, and my friend George R. suggested I get more involved in the program. There were 2 weekly meetings in Hulmeville, about a mile from where I lived. The Sat night needed a coffeemaker, so took on that commitment. Sunday Steppers needed a Secretary, and I was willing and could type, so I took that one, as well. My first group conscience meeting, about a week later, that group decided to begin writing its own steps & traditions to be able to use NA literature (defined as anything written by addicts for addicts for the purpose of recovery). I was the group’s secretary and typist, so I typed it up and edited it for use in our meetings. So I had about 2 weeks clean when I started that activity. We met up with many on the World Literature Committee at the 1st East Coast Convention, after which I got involved in many more of the activities of the World Luterzture Committee. I had about 100 days clean then. Most of my free time, when I wasn’t working or going to a meeting, was spent working on the Basic Text project. I lived ate and breathed it for the next 2 years. When we hosted the 7th World Literature Conference in our house (George R. had just moved out, and Al R. still lived there with me), I had a year and 10 months clean. At that conference I was elected Vice Chair of the World Literature Committee, shortly after Page C. was elected chair. I was still in that role a few months later when the fellowship approved the Basic Text at the World Service Conference. We had a book! I stayed involved with world lit., and began working in earnest on the History of NA, which I did for the next 2 years, hosting history workshops at the World Convention in Milwaukee in 1982 and the world convention in NYC in ‘83. I also conducted these workshops at several other conventions, including the 2nd Volunteer Region convention in 1983 in Tennessee (there’s still a tape floating around from that workshop). In November, 1983, at the 9th World Literature Conference in Jameson, Pa, I was asked to serve as Secretary of World Lit. I did that for a few months, but was so “crisp around the edges” by then I had to step away from that level of service to pursue an opportunity I had to actually go through the 12 steps with a sponsor who had experienced all 12. By then, I desperately needed that experience, and felt that my work with World Lit was done for the time being. It was – but then I got to actually recover, which was brilliant. Very grateful for how it all played out. I think that pretty much answered the first question. I was just shy of 4 years clean when I stepped away from the literature work to begin my own journey through the 12 steps.

Marc B: I became involved in Lit ‘stuff’ well before the Text was seriously envisioned. I got to do some work on the Atlanta area newsletter, Rainbow Connection, not long after I found NA, in Oct ‘79. I can’t remember exactly when that happened, though. We started a newsletter in Ohio, also, I got heavily involved in that, with Jim Miller and some other Ohio NA ‘pioneers’. I got clean in Feb ‘79, so, it didn’t take long, probably around a year or so, clean.

Why did you decide to get involved?

Pete B: When my group decided, in group conscience, to begin writing steps and traditions. I was the group’s secretary and the only one with typing and editing skills. During those first couple years, the only times I felt calm and like I was okay was when I was doing that work. The rest of the time, my life was pretty much a shit-show. So it was a no-brainer, for me, to continue doing that work. It was my lifeline.

Marc B: I got involved in Literature stuff, because I realized that communication was the essence of that ‘one addict helping another’- and the printed word was the best venue to carry that message, without being face-to-face with someone seeking recovery. My first encounter with NA Lit was the initial 6 IPs and the LWB, and I was amazed at how direct and simple, those were. I also recognised the universality of the message, and how it was conveyed. When the ‘rumblings’ of developing our own ‘Big Book’-type of Literature, and the obvious need for further IP development became more widespread, I felt committed to that endeavour. I do feel that the level of commitment is directly proportional to one’s ability to actually recover, that is just my own personal observation and experience.

Which part of the text was the most difficult to put together?

Pete B: It wasn’t a specific part of the text. The most difficult part of the whole process was having to start from scratch after 4 world literature conferences and countless thousands of hours of work had gone into the draft of the text that came out of the 4th WLC in Santa Monica, Ca. There were a number of forces, the “old guard” of NA, who felt threatened by the work we were doing. They thought World Lit was making a power move or something. We were just trying to get the book done and out into the hands of addicts so they wouldn’t have to keep dying without knowing there was a way out. But, someone out there actually stole the manuscript – everything that had been worked on up to that point. It just disappeared. I learned about this when Al R. and I arrived in Warren, Ohio for the 5th World Literature Conference there. We just dug in and worked out tails off, ‘round the clock for 8 days straight, very little sleep involved, lots of rocket-fuel grade strong coffee, and a bank of IBM correcting selectric typewriters – first time I ever even saw an electric typewriter, but I got intimately involved with one that whole week. My fingers were practically bleeding at one point, but I didn’t care – we were determined to get that work done. After all our efforts in Warren, and then in Miami a few months later, we had an Approval Form ready to send out to the entire fellowship before the end of 1981 – a pretty remarkable comeback, after having to start over from scratch in June of that year. That was the most difficult time, in my memory.

Marc B: In my opinion, based on the process and the outcome and the consequences thereof, the Traditions portion. I am always impressed, and dismayed, that the only thing that drew enough ire and interest, to warrant altering the approved Text, was those changes to the Tradition essays. No pushback on ‘god versus higher power’, no turmoil about gender terms, no need to argue about specific drug use, just the absolute need to change the portions of the Traditions, that addressed service committee’s responsibilities and accountability, and group autonomy within the. Those changes led to the controversies and divisions within our Fellowship, since then and ongoing. I do believe our Text, and Literature overall, is dynamic, and needs to be updated and revised at certain points. We, collectively, have grown and obtained more knowledge and insight, regarding ‘what works’, and more importantly, what doesn’t work. 

Do you have a funny story about the literature process you’d like to share?

Pete B: Maybe not funny, per se, but one of those moments where I laughed in disbelief and knew there were greater forces than us helping us out, despite some of the dark forces from within the fellowship that we seemed to be contending with. In the spring 1983, I’d been working on the history for about a year, and learned a ton about the NA that existed before NA as we know it started in 1953. I wasn’t really looking for that information, but it kept finding its way to me. The one instance of that that really stands out in my memory – me and this girl I was seeing at the time we’re driving out to spend the weekend at Larry No’s cabin in West Virginia. He’d invited us out there. We’d stopped in Winchester, Virginia, for lunch, and came across this used book store. As we were browsing through the books there, I was looking for this one old book on low-blood sugar that I’d heard had a reference to early NA in it. I hadn’t been able to find that book anywhere, though I knew from my research that it existed. We hadn’t said anything about the book while we were in there, but this old guy, who presumably worked there, came up to me, reached up on the top of this shelf behind me, pulled down a book and handed it to me, with a gleam in his eye, and said “here, you might need this one.” It was the book I’d been searching for for months. The girl and I looked at each other, and it was like the theme from the twilight zone was playing in the background somewhere. I still get chills down my spine just thinking about that incident. I think I might still have that book.

Marc B: There are several and rides and stories from the activities during that process. My favourite is the one of me, Jim Miller and May Kay W., working on the chapter ‘Just for Today’, and editing it down to an IP, during an all-night review and rewrite session. The committee decided to rework it back into a complete chapter, but retain the IP as a valid piece of work. Charles K., declaring ‘Work the Steps or Die, motherfucker’, became a rallying cry, taunt, definitive statement, and tenet, not just for the ‘Literature Movement’, but the Fellowship, overall. 

Why is the paragraph “Higher mental and emotions, such as conscience and the ability to love, were sharply affected by our drug use…” from the chapter ‘Who Is An Addict?’ repeated in the chapter ‘More Will Be Revealed’?

Pete B: I can’t really tell you why that statement wound up in both “Who Is An Addict”, and More Will Be Revealed. I guess it just fit both narratives. I didn’t work directly on the final edits of “Who is an Addict”, but the Phila Lit Committee that I was a part of did the final edit of More Will Be Revealed, the version of that that went into the Memphis Review Form (aka Gray Book). Oh, yeah; there’s kind of a funny story about that chapter. We had worked on Chapter 8 in the Bristol Lit Committee in Bucks County, and Phila had worked on Chapter 10. George R. chaired both committees and I typed everything up from both. George went to Memphis for WLC3 – I couldn’t go as I was desperately trying to hold onto a job. We were both living in Ivyland at the time. George called me when he got there and said, “Pete, I’m going to need you to come down here.” I told him I simply couldn’t, out of the question – “Why?” I asked. “I left chapter 10 on my bedside table, where I was reading it over last night. I need you to get it to me, somehow.” I promised I would get it to him. Fedex and UPS couldn’t get it there next day by then – it was too late in the day. So I drove out to Philadelphia airport, found a late flight to Memphis, found an honest looking passenger who was willing to take a package from a complete stranger (me) and deliver it to another complete stranger (George) in Memphis. That’s how chapter 10 got into the gray book. Our work in Phila Lit was thorough, and they didn’t make any other changes to it. And I didn’t need to spend 20 hours driving to Memphis to get it there.

Marc B: I’m not sure why that ‘passage’ got repeated, but it does fit well, in those places. Perhaps an elaboration on the ideas presented could be done in a future revision. I’m convinced that nothing that went into the process- whether that is the Gray Book product, the writing and compilation that occurred prior to the Grey Book creation, the Basic Text process- from beginning to ‘end’, the IP developments- was superfluous, or irrelevant. Everything had, and still has, a purpose, which is that simple, but vital, task, of carrying our message of recovery. I can only hope that future generations of members can revise our Literature with the focus on what our collective experience is. Our disease is universal, we all suffer the same result, the differences are relatively ephemeral- different ‘time lines’, different places and situations, but the ultimate ‘jails, institutions, and death’ are the harsh reality of our unchecked disease. Our recovery affords a life free from those destinations, and allows us to live a life worth living, we do recover- as our collective experiences demonstrate. We should focus on that, and avoid the outside influences of money, property, prestige, and also that of allowing compromise on our basic message of abstinence and reintegration with the society we have been estranged, removed or in conflict with, during our active addiction. The Steps lead us on that path, from desperate loners to productive members of the society. That will look different, to different people, in different places, and times, but the message is clear and simple and attainable, if we follow the path that has been defined for us, and the experience of those who came before can help us to understand and achieve that.

Do you feel participating in the literature process affected your recovery? How?

Pete B: Working on the Basic Text had a profound impact on my recovery. It kept me clean those first two years – I don’t know if I would’ve stayed clean otherwise. Sometimes, I felt like I was being given an unfair advantage, as I got to read many of the words that went into it in their rawest form, as input that came in all shapes and sizes, written on all kinds of material. I would type it up, it would go get cut and pasted in workshops until it turned into what would be the words of the Basic Text, and I got to type it a number of times in its various forms. Those words spoke to me as I typed them. They got into my psyche, which was still bedeviled by a lot of insane thoughts and crazy notions, but those words were far more powerful than my crazy thoughts. I knew those words would save me, and save many more addicts who didn’t even know they were addicts yet, just like I didn’t know until my first NA meeting. There was a very powerful force behind the creation of that book, and I got to be a part of that force for over 2 years. I knew that I had been blessed to be in the right place at the right time with the rights set of skills to be an active participant in that process. There’s a line from a song by Paul Simon, called Duncan, where he says “I was playing my guitar lying underneath the stars just thanking the lord for my fingers – for my fingers.” That line gets me every time – I felt like my fingers allowed me to participate in something I probably wouldn’t have, otherwise. My social skills were so burnt out early on, I couldn’t really be part of a lot of the other work going on – I had a real bad case of social anxiety then – but, safe behind a typewriter, I could contribute. Thank God for my typing skills!

Marc B: The involvement in the Lit process, had me make a deeper commitment to recovery. I’ve often said that once I decided to put all my ‘eggs’ in the NA basket, I had a vested interest in how well that ‘basket’ got handled. I understood the value of the printed word, and that was an integral part of the process of recovery, at least in my observation. I had already seen the lunacy of trying to be in control of every aspect of my life, and also trying to be a diverse as possible. Once I surrendered to the fact I had to focus on my recovery, in order to live any sort of meaningful life, that allowed me to let go of the reservations and manipulations. I also made many mistakes, bad decisions, selfish choices, and created a lot of turmoil and discord, not necessarily always intentional, but always with repercussions. Once I committed to NA recovery, the need to restore the damage from the aforementioned disease-driven wreckage, had me utilising the Steps to recover from my disease and ‘right those wrongs’. I am a firm believer that an addict, seeking recovery, can demand conditions, for their unconditional surrender- that means complete abstinence, making a self-assessment, acting upon the results of that assay, making the corrections indicates and pursuing a life in the ‘real world’- and repeating that process as often as needed or indicated. There is no ‘The End’ after the Steps, no diploma or gold-leaf engraved certificate of completion. It’s simply ‘work the Steps, or die, motherfucker!’, or as some of us altered that pearl of wisdom- ‘work the Steps, and live, motherfucker!’.

What do you feel is the most important thing for people to keep in mind about our Basic Text?

Pete B: Most important thing for people to remember about our Basic Text?  As important as that text is, and it truly is, nothing is more important for that newcomer at their very first meeting than your own experience, strength and hope, in your own words. Don’t quote the basic text to them. They don’t even know what it is. I didn’t want someone quoting a book at me when I was new. When George reached out to me in my first meeting , all I knew was this cat was for real, he kindly reached out to me, he was willing to listen to me, and he shared the truth from his own experience. That got me to come back. The book is important, but to the newcomer – You Are the Book. Be authentic and honest and just be yourself. Later, they can read the book, but at first, they might not even be able to read.  So – Be the Book. Bring it to life. Live it. I hope that helps.

Marc B: The most important thing about our Literature, is to read it, and comprehend it. I don’t think there is any more succinct and direct statement I can make, about Literature. We crafted it, to be the way to carry our message, to anyone, anywhere, and that is true now, and will be for as long as I can see. Once one reads it, it should change them, if it doesn’t initially, they should read it again, and again, until it does. And then, read it again. A few more times.

A huge thank you to Pete B and Marc B for your gracious participation and contributions.

Using

Addiction often focuses on drug use but using can take on lots of forms. When does using become a problem? There are obvious examples of the disease including addiction to sex, gambling, and food. There are obvious symptoms of those forms of addiction. I believe that sometimes the problems are less obvious and even open to opinion. Can Olympic athletes be addicted to performance? Perhaps they are and some might look back with regrets as they get older. An Olympic athlete might suffer from isolation and loneliness. They can have intense focus that only an addict would understand. They can seek the solstice of other athletes as they lose touch with family and friends. A Using addict attracts addicts who are using. Some of the symptoms of the disease of addiction can be associated with any lifestyle but not everyone will agree with who is an addict. I recently struggled with some feelings I associate with using, at the most unusual of places. It was a Narcotics Anonymous meeting near where I live. The feelings I struggled with were isolation and loneliness.

Early in my recovery, I was madly attending NA meetings at every opportunity. I felt a sense of connection and welcomed the opportunity to be a part of everything that was happening.  I attended conventions and took service positions.  Almost every relationship I had was in NA. I remember my sponsor saying to me that ‘Narcotics Anonymous isn’t a social club” but I ignored the warning.  I understood what he meant; NA is here for the purpose of supporting the addict and attracting newcomers, but I saw an opportunity to feel good.  I did not see that I had become addicted to a lifestyle. I thought if I surrounded myself with addicts, I would find some acceptance and maybe some self-worth. Self-obsession is the core of the disease and in the Narcotics Anonymous literature there is a line that describes my problem.

One of the problems is that we found it easier to change our perception of reality.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Five, ‘What Can I do?’

Using drugs alters our perception of reality, and when I stopped things did get better. That does not mean I was cured or that my life was amazing right away. I was faced with an increased awareness of reality. I was also subjected to an increased ability to explore other ways of using. I became more tolerant of others and that was something I needed. I became more accepting of others.  I explored my ideas about who I was while doing the Twelve Steps. I also explored ideas about what or who I could be by listening to other addicts. The world seemed to offer endless possibilities.

I heard the term ‘attraction rather than promotion’ in Tradition Eleven.  I also heard that ‘personal recovery depends on unity’ in Tradition One. I associated the phrases with the lifestyles of the members. I was eager to explore the possibilities. My view was through a narrow window of a local Fellowship. Every addict is capable of using and some have a desire to stop. Unity is easily found and fluid, changing from day to day. I did not always find healthy relationships. A member might trade cocaine for weights and crack house for a gym. They believe that everything has changed and feel good about their recovery. I could suggest that nothing has changed. It is easier for me to judge than understand the actions of another. My perception is that they are the same self-obsessed addict that they were when they were on drugs. People seem to pick and choose terms from the Twelve Steps and Traditions which become weapons in the defense of their using and in judging others.  I have something to say about everything and bring fuel to a fire of disunity. I am learning to keep my mouth shut and distance myself from some members. I have developed healthy relationships as a result. I still wonder if the worst aspect of the disease is manipulation and control but maybe that is just my problem.  It has become clear to me that some of the worst examples of active using are in those who serve the Fellowship of NA, as well as promote their ‘clean time’. The literature says that complacency is the enemy.  I focus on gratitude that I did not use drugs today. I try and have awareness of my behaviors. Narcotics Anonymous continues to grow and addicts are staying clean and carrying a message to others.

Narcotics Anonymous encourages members to meet regularly to help each other but often members are here to simply help themselves. I believe a daily inventory helps me identify a pattern of using where it affects my life or the lives of people around me. I accept Tradition Three, where I am required to have a desire to stop using.  The treatment industry often promotes the Twelve Steps but nothing on the Twelve Traditions. Some members are products of a treatment industry that promotes self-care. ‘Feelings of unity’ have become a commodity. That is not the unity referenced in literature.

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous it is imperative that the group remain stable, or else the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

And near the end…

Our Traditions are the guidelines that protect us from ourselves. They are our unity.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Tradition One

I have narrowed my focus to joining and participating in a home group. It is all the Fellowship I need. My life is stable and drama free. I have a life of abundance. Rather than acting on using, I try and focus on the spiritual principles.

By staying clean we begin to practice spiritual principles such as hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, Step Twelve

I am a Charlatan.

I read the new ‘Group Booklet’ produced by the NAWS Corporation and was offended by the addition of a footnote;

Virtual NA meetings that meet regularly can choose to be an NA group if they meet the criteria described in this booklet.

NAWS Corporation, ‘The Group Booklet’, Page 5, Footnote 3.

My first thought was that only NA Groups host meetings and the NAWS Corporation was trying to circumvent our traditions. Their approval of meetings without the responsibility of following the Twelve Traditions was in my opinion deceptive. The Traditions govern our Groups who host meetings to support members and for the purpose of carrying a message to the still suffering addict. It would not be the first time that NAWS had violated the Traditions. In this case I was wrong, and it was the members of NA who took me to school. Turns out that I am a charlatan.

A study of historical literature brought me to the original information pamphlet, published in 1976.

The gathering together of two or more member addicts for the purpose of learning how to live a drug-free life by practicing the principles of N.A. constitutes an N.A. Meeting. When these meetings are held regularly, they can become a Group.

Narcotics Anonymous, published by C.A.R.E.N.A. in 1976, IP #2, ‘The Group’ – Structure, The Member.

The Member

This 1976 information pamphlet makes the reader familiar with the structure of Narcotics Anonymous and points out that the member is the first and most important part of our service structure. The Upper Cumberland Area of Narcotics Anonymous lists a version here.  When members meet for the purpose of living a drug free lifestyle, it is considered a meeting. Even if they meet regularly, they are not necessarily a group. The Group IP was revised in 1988 and dropped the definition of a member and their importance to our service efforts. I believe it was the first time Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship approved literature was replaced with Conference approved literature, but I could be wrong. I wish it had been left as it was and I would encourage everyone to read historical literature. The revised IP included this.

Definition and purpose [of a group]

A Narcotics Anonymous group is any meeting of two or more recovering addicts who meet regularly at a specific time and place for the purpose of recovery from the disease of addiction. All Narcotics Anonymous groups are bound by the principles of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of NA. Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers.

NA IP#2 – ‘The Group’, Revised 1988.

Conference Approved and Fellowship Approved Literature

By 1988, Narcotics Anonymous had become fragmented over the changes brought about by the service structures to the Basic Text (See my post –  Paper Empires). Rapid growth and declining participation in service structures created chaos for Narcotics Anonymous. Disunity allowed strong personalities to dominate over principles. The first line in the revised text (above) merges the definition of meeting and group into a confusing statement of opinion. At this point, IP#2, ‘The Group’ became Conference Approved literature and was no longer Fellowship Approved literature. You can read the 1988 World Service Conference discussion at https://www.nahistorytree.com or this link here.

There are other points of confusion as the literature was revised. The use of ‘recovered’ and ‘recovering’ addict. This is a quote from the Fellowship approved version of the Basic Text.

N.A. is a non-profit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, “What is the N.A. Program?“

Opinions and Facts

My friend Jed in a discussion once defined ‘Charlatan’ as someone who wears a cloak of spirituality which obscures their true motives. I like this definition from Wikipedia.

A charlatan (also called a swindler or mountebank) is a person practicing quackery or a similar confidence trick in order to obtain money, power, fame, or other advantages through pretense or deception. 

See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlatan

Are all addicts in Narcotics Anonymous charlatans? Narcotics Anonymous literature says that we do enjoy complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter 7, Recovery and Relapse, preamble.

Recovered Addict

Today, I enjoy being a recovered addict. I continue to experience the full force of the charlatans where I live. I hear from no one; I am not allowed to serve and today I am ok with that but at one point it caused me to consider suicide. I believe the purest form of recovery is the newcomer as they are free of all pretenses. I no longer hang out with the many toxic cliques that infest our Fellowship. I am only interested in our primary purpose and being part of a home group. I have healthy boundaries and enjoy the wide base of personalities within a home group. I focus on recognizing the Grace of God that allowed me to not use today. My actions are from gratitude for that gift. Fortunately, my home group offers unconditional love to me even when I start to trip over my opinions presented as facts. I am grateful today to recognize the disease within me with the help of others.  Each day begins with the opportunity to enjoy complete recovery and the opportunity to continue to communicate with newer members. Each day I can act like a charlatan, presenting opinions as facts and distancing myself from reality. I have choice today. I am free!

Subject to Revision

Everything we know is subject to revision, especially what we know about the truth.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, All versions, Chapter 9, ‘Just For Today, Living The Program’

This is an interesting quote from the Basic Text. I wondered at first what else could there be but truth but realized that I can have opinions. I know some truths and I have opinions. I easily confuse the two, and voice opinions as truth. Sometimes I do not know the truth at all, but loudly proclaim an opinion to anyone who will listen. I believe this highlights the need for continuous involvement in a home group.  I think of my home group as a complete Fellowship. A home group protects me from myself. The Twelve Traditions make sense when I consider my Home Group as a complete Fellowship. I am aware that I have a disease called addiction and I have accepted Narcotics Anonymous as a solution. My personal recovery depends on the unity of the Fellowship.

Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual, not religious program. Any clean addict is a miracle, and keeping the miracle alive is an ongoing process of awareness, surrender and growth. For an addict, not using is an abnormal state. We learn to live clean. We learn to be honest with ourselves and think of both sides of things. Decision-making is rough at first. Before we got clean, most of our actions were guided by impulse. Today, we are not locked into this type of thinking. We are free.

Basic Text, Chapter 8, ‘We Do Recover’

Dark Times

I understand now that Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people.  Someone pointed that out to me at a very low point in my recovery. Chapter Three of the Basic Text talks about the fact we are all sick people. NA is not a cure, but the disease can be arrested at some point, and recovery becomes possible.  That tells me that recovery is not guaranteed and not everyone participates in recovery.  I found dark times.  The arrest of the disease is the miracle I had experienced. Recovery had become possible but elusive. I did not have the skills required to deal with the many personalities. I found sickness because I was fully immersed in Narcotics Anonymous without the skills to separate myself. I ended up in pretend friendships, fake service positions, and an unquenchable thirst to be accepted. Being accepted was just like a drug, and I was full engulfed with using despite not having picked up drugs. A using addict attracts addicts who are using.  Recovery is a shared experience and is limited by the size and involvement of the Fellowship. I believe that is why our literature says, ‘the wider the base, the higher the point of freedom’. I needed a strong, diverse home group with growth. In fact, growth needed to be the primary purpose for me to experience full recovery.

I left the sickness of others and found recovery. I found a home group and made a commitment to developing relationships with everyone regardless of my personal feelings or their commitment to recovery. I healed by participating in a healthy Fellowship. I developed healthy boundaries.  I learned spiritual principles by observation and practiced them in my life. I see now that members come in all kinds of packages. There are self-seekers (opportunists, who do not care about right or wrong).  There are members whose dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society. I no longer hang out with people in the program. It is difficult to watch people completely consumed with self-obsession. I find the benefits of living without ‘dishonesty and self-deception’ is that I can associate with anyone in society. I am free today. I am no longer tied to the unhealthy cliques so common in Narcotics Anonymous. I have a purpose today.

Anxiety Free

I avoid self-seeking by participating in giving back and volunteering. The greatest joy for me is being of service but I also accept others where they are at. Narcotics Anonymous has given me many skills that I did not have previously. I can participate in any situation. Healthy people answer the phone and return calls which is a rare thing to experience in the Fellowship where I live. Healthy people show up for their volunteer shifts and do the work willingly and completely. Healthy people are inclusive. I have intelligent and adult conversations about different approaches to problems. I get to participate in some unique solutions proposed by others. I learn different aspects about the truth from the perspective of another person by communicating in a healthy manner. All these unique experiences benefit my recovery. I now can be a part of anything, and as a result I have been anxiety free for almost a year. The death of a dear friend caused me to consider my relationship with the local fellowship of NA.  

Living without anxiety has opened new doors. I feel less pressure of the ‘disease of clean time’ and a need to manipulate or control others. Clean time does not seem to have any merit at all.  Life unfolds as it was meant to be. Having been around for some time means I am prone to suffer from complacency. I try and stay involved and active in local meetings.  I do love to deliver meeting lists and work on websites but accept that surrendering control is difficult for some. I wait patiently now for the opportunity to serve Narcotics Anonymous. There are many places to be of service and the COVID pandemic has opened so many doors to serve. I have less answers and more open-mindedness because of listening to newcomers. I have found writing a blog a good platform for my own ideas on truth and opinion. I connect with like minded individuals who want to work together.

Enough

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently (it feels like months…) looking at a feeling I have. Maybe ‘feeling’ is not the best word, it might be a puzzle, or maybe a bit of self-deception, I am not sure exactly what it is. I have a feeling of having enough. I am content. I want to clarify a few things first. I did not win the lottery and I have not moved to a tropical island to retire. You probably have your own ideas on what ‘enough’ is.  I have felt like this for quite a few years now. As an addict, it was a feeling that I thought would be a lot more elusive. Life is full of ups and downs, with all the raw emotions of change and I’m not immune to those. My life today rests on a foundation of happiness. I found this section of the Narcotics Anonymous literature quite relevant.

Obsessive behavior is a common denominator for addictive people. We have times when we try to fill ourselves up until we are satisfied, only to discover that there is no way to satisfy us. Part of our addictive pattern is that we can never get enough of whatever we think we want. Sometimes we forget and we think that if we can just get enough food or enough sex, or enough money we’ll be satisfied and everything will be all right. Self-will still leads us to make decisions based on manipulation, ego, lust, or false pride. We don’t like to be wrong. Our egos tell us that we can do it on our own, but loneliness and paranoia quickly return. We find that we cannot really do it alone, and when we try things get worse. We need to be reminded of where we came from and that it will get progressively worse if we use. This is when we need the Fellowship the most.  

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Seven, Recovery and Relapse.

A Wide Range of Addicts

Later versions of the Basic Text removed the phrase ‘of whatever we think we want’ but for me the original wording is best.  What I want can be a dangerous place given the right set of circumstances. Being immersed in Narcotics Anonymous does not offer much protection from want. In fact, surrounding yourself with addicts can make things worse.  Years ago, someone pointed out to me that Narcotics Anonymous is full of sick people. I had rose coloured glasses that told me a different story, but I see things clearly today. There are a wide range of addicts described in the Basic Text.

  • Self-seekers, opportunists with little concern for right and wrong.
  • members who remain abstinent, but whose dishonesty and self-deception prevent them from complete recovery and finding acceptance within society.
  • Addicts struggling back from relapse.
  • Others who are caught up in complacency, with a vague sense of having done the right things and an inability to see the larger picture.
  • Members enjoying complete recovery.
  • Newcomers who arrive in desperation for a new way to live.

I have tried to maintain relationships with all of them. Some I have chased like an addict looking for a fix because I thought they had something I wanted. Some of them I thought I could fix, which at its core, is another of my wants. Some used me for their own selfish desires because I allowed myself to be blind. I have also gone through dark periods where I thought Narcotics Anonymous would be better without some of them. Each pursuit of some ‘want’ brings about a reminder about powerlessness, surrender, and acceptance in my recovery.

There are some constants in my recovery. I have always had a sponsor and I have always supported a home group.  A sponsor acts as a guide, and a home group meets regularly to help each other stay clean. The primary purpose of a home group is to carry a message to the still suffering addict. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program, but a help others program.  I am currently a member of two home groups. I like this arrangement and it suits my lifestyle well. Being part of a home group has been a foundation for my recovery.  I believe being part of a home group has been instrumental in my current feelings of contentment. A healthy balance of addicts aids my recovery. There is a curious line within the Basic Text.

Death of a Fellowship

To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous, it is imperative that the group remain stable, or the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.

Basic Text, Chapter Six, Tradition One, fourth line.

I used to think the wording was a mistake because the phrase seemed to connect the stability of a single group to the fate of the entire Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I have a different appreciation of the language today. I confine my thoughts on Fellowship to my home group. This helps me to keep things simple and I can have a conversation with any home group member about the Traditions as they apply to our group. I do not have to like or have a personal relationship with anyone in my home group. I like the idea of Narcotics Anonymous being made up of tens of thousands of Fellowships, each with a unique personality and perspective. I still have a desire to stop using today. That desire today is more on my defects than the use of drugs. I feel connected to other members when I maintain awareness of my desire to stop. It levels the playing field and helps me to see each of us as equals. If I find the Group behaving in a way that I cannot accept, I simply find a new Fellowship of addicts following the Twelve Steps and Traditions of NA or I start a group.  Sometimes I must let things go and follow the Group Conscience. As the Fellowship grows, the shared experiences increase, and I have more freedom from self-obsession.  

False Fellowships

There are lots of false fellowships within Narcotics Anonymous. Many members attending a convention feel good and think ‘This is an amazing Fellowship’ or talk of ‘Unity’ but I see no evidence to support that at our service committee meetings. Members enjoy the thrill of a convention but abandoned their efforts to carry the message afterwards. Newcomers rarely show up to a convention for their first meeting. Some newcomers arrive at a actual meeting holding a wrinkled meeting list they have looked at for days before finally making the effort to attend a meeting. False unity becomes a drug and many addicts end up using over and over. That is not the only example.

Addicts make up false Fellowships all the time. Calling all your addict friends to go on a trip or to a beach party is not a Fellowship. Gatherings are simply a bunch of friends getting together but the illusion of ‘Fellowship’ detracts from the primary purpose. I avoid personal relationships in NA now and seek to serve. I’m tired of being used, and witnessing others using NA. It is a painful reminder of my own experience with using NA as a social club. I am as powerless over others as I am of my disease. Personal recovery depends on unity which is defined as;

a condition of harmony

continuity without deviation or change (as in purpose or action)

“Unity.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/unity. Accessed 29 Aug. 2023.

I have found that what I have learned in the last few years about Fellowship and unity benefits me in my personal life. Working with co-workers, or being part of a volunteer group, is much more rewarding now. I am focused on the purpose ahead of the personalities in all my affairs. I now have more friends than I have ever had, and many are outside the Fellowship.  What I have learned outside the Fellowship has helped me form intimate relationships with healthy people inside the Fellowship. I am a complete person and content with who I am. I also recognize that I have abundance in my life I can share.  I have time and resources to benefit others. I am enough and I have enough.

Who Is An Addict?

I argued with members a lot about what the word ‘addict’ meant when I started attending Narcotics Anonymous in 2002. I remember one member saying to me, “if you took half an aspirin this morning, and now all you think about is taking aspirin, you might be an addict”.  The simple logic of his statement made a big difference for me in my first year. After a year of attending meeting regularly, I finally sorted out that I was not always going to have the answer to ‘who is an addict’ but I could clearly see that I was one. Being wrong was a big problem in the beginning but now I have learned to appreciate it. There are a lot of benefits to seeing how I am wrong. I also see now that there are always reasons to return to using. For me life seems to be a pendulum that swings between a desire to stop using and using.

Our disease isolated us from people except for the getting, using, and finding ways and means to get more. Hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking, we cut ourselves off from the outside world. Anything not completely familiar became alien and dangerous. Our world shrank and isolation became our life. We used in order to survive. It was the only way of life we knew.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd (and all editions), Chapter 1, ‘Who is an Addict’

For about 10 years I continued to smoke cigarettes in recovery. It did feel like using but I was not willing to go to the same lengths to get more. I became more uncomfortable with the behaviour as I progressed in my recovery. You will often see a group of smokers standing outside before and after the meetings. Meeting spaces have been lost from the actions of a few smokers because of the litter of smoking. I found that smoking and the litter became more and more uncomfortable. I did try to take on the responsibility of cleaning up but it was often a solitary task because many of the smokers are ‘hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking’. I developed resentments about other smokers. Walking the solitary path is lonely and frightening and it was easy to succumb to peer pressure. The core of the problem was ultimately me. I am an addict and using comes naturally. I would repeatedly fail in my attempts to quit and I littered the ground with butts.  I was glad when I was rid of the addiction of smoking. As I grow spiritually, I find myself often walking a lonely and frightening path. It takes a while to get centered and develop a new support group.  Other addictions emerged as I continued to take personal inventory or when I listened to other addicts share their experiences.  Sometimes I am completely unaware of a problem until I hear another addict share.

We are each others’ eyes and ears;…when we do something wrong our fellow addicts help us to help ourselves by showing us what we cannot see. We sometimes find ourselves caught up in old ideas. We need to constantly review our feelings and thinking, if we are to stay enthusiastic and grow spiritually. This enthusiasm will aid our ongoing recovery.

Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Chapter 10, ‘More Will Be Revealed’

I have found that more is revealed but it rarely seems to come easily. I’m not always aware of what is ‘wrong’ but when someone shares and I can listen, new ideas present themselves. ‘Help us to help ourselves by showing us what we cannot see’ means that I do not need your inventory of my behaviors but if you share your struggles, it could be something that I need to look at too. As our Fellowship grows, so does my awareness of the world around me. ‘The wider the base, the higher the point of freedom’ is from ‘Our Symbol’ section of the Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text. I wondered what ‘freedom’ they were speaking of in the beginning but I believe today that it is freedom from self-obsession.

Today I keep my world small, and the only Fellowship I need is a good home group. I focus my attention on those relationships. I see how I fall short as well as contribute to the health of the group and the atmosphere of recovery. I avoid the hard sell of events and prefer the quiet unity found in service. Some of these things ‘outside’ of the Fellowship can become a big smorgasbord of poor behaviours. We tend to ‘isolate ourselves from the outside world.’ Gossip and cliques weaken our efforts to carry a message. Members become addicted to lifestyle and surround themselves with others who support this or that addiction. I am passionate about Public Information and getting out meeting information. I love to deliver meeting lists and work on websites. Sometimes I wonder if I am caught up in obsession but I just need to listen to newcomers. I wonder how did they find us and listen to their stories so that it might benefit me in my recovery. Ultimately my benchmark has been from our literature.

Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.

Basic Text, 2nd Edition, Chapter 7, ‘Recovery and Relapse’.

I have found complete recovery and acceptance within society. Dishonesty and self-deceptions work against me daily  but the solution is to work a program of recovery daily.

The Sponsor

The Experience of Others

There was a lot to absorb when I first started attending Narcotics Anonymous. It was like being on the receiving end of a firehose of feelings, thoughts, perceptions, and ideas. I marvel today at the newcomers who stick with the program, adapt what works and discard what does not. The diversity of the addicts who make up the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous amazes me. I heard early on that I should get a home group, work the steps, get involved in service, talk to members, and visit various groups. I also heard that I should get a sponsor. When I asked, I was told that a sponsor ‘takes you through the steps’ but I saw a lot more than that going on. I thought it was important to lay a good foundation of the basics and I went through a tremendous number of sponsors in two years. Every one of those early sponsors was a ‘loser’ when I pulled out my recovery measuring stick.  I compared what I was told ‘worked’ with what my sponsor was doing and discarded them like I was changing socks. They failed to measure up. I tried to learn from the experiences of others who seemed to find sponsors they could work with. It was hard to let go of my own ideas and embrace these vague ideas about what worked.

When The Student is Ready, The Teachers Arrive.

Some sponsors gather their sponsees around them like a hen with chicks. Other sponsors were completely indifferent. One sponsor I found was a dream come true. He was the big man at meetings, riding his motorcycle, blue collar worker and quite involved with being of service. His wife was equally involved in NA. They were the NA power couple we so often see. I was shocked when he ripped me off for sixty dollars and left town. I was hurt and thought of giving up. He stopped answering his phone, left town and avoided me like I had the plague at conventions and events over the years. I knew I must have done something wrong, and it re-enforced the idea that I was less than. It laid the foundation for a long history of abusive relationships within the fellowship. I did eventually find a good sponsor and completed a set of steps but my trust was damaged. I am still trying to figure out what makes a good sponsor, and I’m fortunate to have several sponsees who are helping me today. Sponsorship feels more like being a student today than the teacher I thought I was supposed to be.  Sponsees tell me what is working for them and what is not. We talk about struggles and how best to serve the God of their understanding.

We have found it helpful to have a sponsor and to use this sponsor. Sponsorship is merely a way of describing the special interest of an experienced member that can mean so much to newcomers after they turn to N.A. for help. Sponsorship is also a two-way street,…helping both the newcomer and the sponsor. The sponsor’s clean time and experience may well depend on the availability of sponsors in a locality. Sponsorship is also the responsibility of the group for helping the newcomer. It is implied and informal in its approach, but it is the heart of the N.A. way of recovery from addiction—one addict helping another.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Chapter 5, “What Can I do?”, line numbered, pg 52.

Bad Ideas

I have had a lot of bad ideas about sponsorship over the years. The fellowship is diverse so I try and let go of any ideas I have about what recovery should look like for someone else. I have found a lot of benefit in taking a special interest in newcomers. Sometimes those relationships turn into sponsorship. Many of my best ideas became bad ideas once I was able to share them with a sponsor. It is nice to be that person for someone else. I try not to guide sponsees or offer directions. Each addict has a unique perspective on Fellowship.  I love these three lines from Information Pamphlet #6, published by Narcotics Anonymous in 1976.

…We in the recovery program of Narcotics Anonymous have noted with some satisfaction that many of the relapsers, when again active in their prime or substitute addiction have dropped many of the parallel behaviors that characterized them in the past…

…Yet there are others completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society…

…An addict, who by any means, can lose even for a time the need or desire to use, and has free choice over impulsive thinking and compulsive action, has reached a turning point that may be the decisive factor in his recovery…

IP #6, Narcotics Anonymous, 1976, available at this link from the Autonomous Region for Narcotics Anonymous

The Fourth Edition of the Basic Text introduced the idea that ‘Self-Seekers’ were part of Narcotic Anonymous but that was never approved by the Groups. I wrote an article about the evolution of self-seeking as a behavior to self-seekers as a classification of member. Sponsoring a self-seeker comes with some challenges but the same is likely true for other types of addicts. I do believe that I cannot measure someone’s desire to stop using. Self-seekers seem to make up a significant portion of the Fellowship and have become role models for newcomers. Sponsoring can be particularly challenging when there are so few examples of what recovery can look like.

Help Others Program

In the end, what the literature says is when we meet regularly to help each other. Narcotics Anonymous is not a self-help program but a help others program. Helping others comes with a unique set of challenges. I have learned I cannot fix another person, even if I sponsor them. Helping others involves the sponsee arriving at a problem and talking about solutions. Navigating the relationships required for unity is less challenging when I have a sponsor. Unity brings a unique set of problems.

Self-help is best left to the professionals. Self-seeking has the potential to become another manifestation of addiction. This is evident by the rapid rise in therapists, self-help books, gurus, and healers. Self-help is a billion-dollar industry fueled by the self-seekers. The carrot of potential hanging in front of the self-seeker is more powerful than any drug.

Having Had a Spiritual Awakening

The full range of human experiences becomes evident as you start to sponsor people. There are great dangers in exposing trauma and providing even the basics of therapy. Narcotics Anonymous is a ‘we’ program, and sponsors can help with unity but not in providing discount therapy, in my opinion. When a addict completes the steps, they are encouraged to practice spiritual principles, carry a message to other addicts as a result of an awakening of the spirit. My role as a sponsor has been facilitating the change of an individual into a member.  That change involves the application of the Twelve Traditions.  My experience is that each of us is already a perfect example of what a human can be. Our true value shines when we work together.

The journey from self-obsession to God expression

Originally published on a website thefix.com in February 2020

Recently I was watching a TEDtalk titled “Fighting injustice with art and empathy” by Yana Buhrer Tavanier. She made a statement that profoundly altered my idea of unity. Her claim was that the opposite of unity is not uniformity but oppression.  I wrestled with this idea often over the next few weeks and discussed it with my friends and support group. How did this concept fit into my behaviors as a member of Narcotics Anonymous and what were my experiences with others?   I remember when I was first in the program I would get upset every time a member would identify themselves as ‘clean and sober.’ Early on I had been encouraged to identify myself as an ‘addict’, I was ‘clean’ and this simple idea would best carry a message to other addicts. I came to realize that there was a lot more to be gained by the application of spiritual principles in these matters than an angry finger poke to the chest of said members. My behaviors were about oppressing others even if my motives were pure. 

When we first come to the Program, we usually express a lot of things which seem to be important wants and needs.  As we grow spiritually and find out about a Power greater than ourselves, we begin to realize that as long as our spiritual needs are truly met, our living problems are reduced to a point of comfort. When we forget where our real strength lies, we quickly become subject to the same patterns of thinking and action that got us to the Program in the first place.

The Grey Book of Narcotics Anonymous (Step 11, Page 43)

In Narcotics Anonymous I’ve heard the saying ‘doing the right thing for the right reason is never wrong’.  I wonder if that includes this idea of enforcing the fundamental spiritual principles of the program. Do I have the right to impose my will on others?

Oppression

A few years ago, my job had ended in a wrongful termination and my support group had eroded. I was sitting in my addiction counsellor’s office rebuilding my fragile ego. We were talking about how I was being ordered to stop printing and distributing meeting lists for Narcotics Anonymous. I showed him the text from another member of NA and we both sat in silent reflection for a moment. He seemed puzzled by my confusion and I guess so was I. I was on the receiving end of oppression and I had no tools to deal with it.  He suggested that his office had four full time addiction counsellors and he had never had anyone ask if they could put meeting lists out.  I asked if he was willing and he looked even more puzzled then answered “of course”. I handed him a stack of a hundred that I printed and paid for myself.  It would seem to me that if addiction is self-obsession, then the natural path out is in thinking more of others than yourself. I was not working alone in this when I talked to other members worldwide. The application of the principles learned in the 12 traditions allowed me to work with other members in a home group, but they must be willing. As a member of NA, I have embraced the primary purpose of carrying a message to the still suffering addict and I personally see no better method than the distribution of accurate meeting lists to as many places as possible but that seemed to put me in opposition to others.  I was taught that my efforts to carry the message of hope to the still suffering addict was aligned with the primary purpose of Narcotics Anonymous groups.

Each group does have complete freedom, except when their actions affect other groups or N.A. as a whole. Like group conscience, autonomy can be a two-edged sword. Group autonomy has been used to justify the violation of the Traditions. If a contradiction exists, we have slipped away from our principles. If we check to make sure that our actions are clearly within the bounds of our Traditions; if we do not dictate to other groups, or force anything upon them; and if we consider the consequences of our action ahead of time, then all will be well.

(Grey book, tradition 4, page 100)

Groups vary in how they deliver the message of hope to the suffering addict. Some sign court attendance papers, and others refuse. One group might allow people on drug replacement therapies, like Suboxone to share, others ask them to sit quietly and listen. When my spiritual needs are not met, and I am not comfortable with the group, I can leave, start my own group or join another. My experience has shown me that groups dominated by oppressive members tend to stagnate or die out and close. Being inclusive is much more powerful in my experience.  When our intentions as a group are pure, the group seems to flourish and grow. I believe this is the idea of autonomy. In the same way that my spiritual needs are primary to my survival, then so is the spiritual needs of my group.  What happens when my group works with other groups and a conflict arises?

N.A. as such ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.”

Without this Tradition, our Fellowship would be in opposition to spiritual principles. A loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience is our ultimate authority.

(Grey book, tradition 9, page 110)

The Group

I have struggled many times in my journey. I have a new way to live thru the practical application of the spiritual principles learned in the 12 steps and 12 traditions of Narcotics Anonymous.  Sometimes there seemed to be dead ends when I practice spiritual principles in all my affairs. What I found is that the world unfolds with little concern for my desires. My wants can be just another layer of self-obsession I hold on to.  Perhaps the same can hold true for groups. That may be why Narcotics Anonymous is a Fellowship of members who meet regularly in groups. No individual is less than another.  The same holds true for groups it would seem. Organization of any sort may interfere with the expression of God. Service bodies clearly need to be organized to be effective and are not accountable to God, but to the groups they serve and therefore not part of NA.

Groups may choose to participate or not with any service structures according to tradition 4 and 9.  Some groups have operated independently and may form local service bodies that service the needs of the groups. In the 1990’s, The Narcotics Anonymous World Service corporation created the Fellowship Intellectual Property Trust on behalf of some groups with the intention of protecting the copywrites of Narcotics Anonymous. Other groups ignored the trust, the governance of the NAWS Corporation and continued to operate independently. The ability and right of the NAWS Corporation to manage the trust has been called into question by the Autonomous Region of Narcotics Anonymous who have launched a petition in the state of California where the trust is held. You can read more about the nature of the petition here. The oppression of others really does affect unity and this petition to the court will offer real hope to those groups who see service bodies in a different way.

Self-Seeking

Narcotics Anonymous has become a huge fellowship that has spread across the globe over the last seventy years. There are tens of thousands of Groups. Members are encouraged to support a Home Group. The exact number of groups is a mystery. Many groups do not participate in any service structures. Groups are only accountable to the members they serve. Most groups remain autonomous.  Only a small number of groups participate in service structures in North America. There was a time when participation was strong, literature was created by members, and approved by groups. A significant piece of literature is The Basic Text for Narcotics Anonymous which includes the following paragraphs;

Those of us who have been involved in service or in getting a group started sometimes have a hard time letting go. Egos and unfounded pride and self-will would destroy a group if given authority. We must instead remember that offices have been placed in trust, that we are trusted servants and that at no time do any of us govern. Narcotics Anonymous is a God-given Program, and we can maintain our group in dignity only with group conscience and God’s love.

Some will resist. However, many will become the role models for newcomers to follow while the self-seeking soon find they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster to themselves. Many of them change; they learn we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Third Edition, published 1984, Tradition 2, Page 59

The Basic Text went through a lot of revisions from the First Edition published in 1983 to the Fifth Edition in 1988. The Fifth Edition was the version I found when I came to the program in 2002. Versions Four, Five and Six changed the wording slightly by using ‘Self-seekers’ rather than ‘Self-seeking’.  The impact of that change was significant for me.

Some will resist. However, many will become the role models for the newcomers. The self-seekers soon find that they are on the outside, causing dissension and eventually disaster for themselves. Many of them change; they learn that we can only be governed by a loving God as expressed in our group conscience.

 Fourth Edition, published 1987, Page 59

Self-seeker

What is a self-seeker? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary provides this excellent definition.

Definition of self-seeker (noun)

as in opportunist

one who does things only for his own benefit and with little regard for right and wrong

‘he’s a self-seeker who is nice only to people who can do him favors’

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary see this link.

It was not until I studied historical literature that I got a better understanding of Narcotics Anonymous. I reached out and connected to a global Fellowship. Today, I like to remain in a program of equals, where I take responsibility for my recovery. I am no more or less than any other member, including the self-seeker. I can identify my self-seeking behaviors when I am connected to the God of my understanding and by working with a home group. I attend my home group regularly. Members know me, know my habits, attitudes, and beliefs.  Regardless of my personality, I try and put that aside to work with others to carry a message to newcomers.  We might disagree about everything but our commitment to the primary purpose of Narcotics Anonymous ensures our success as a group which benefits our Fellowship.

Doing The Right Things for the Right Reasons

I find self-seekers care little about anything other than themselves. They have become role models for the newcomers as promised in the later versions of the Basic Text. I struggle with my interactions with the self-seekers. I am repulsed by the lack of concern for Narcotics Anonymous and the devotion to self. Sometimes I wonder if I am the self-seeker that literature speaks of. I find myself on the outside, causing dissention by delivering meeting lists locally. I’m fortunate to have good friends and a support group to talk about these things with. Maybe I am a self-seeker but doing the right things for the right reasons has been a part of my recovery for decades now. I often find myself in opposition to popular opinion.

Unity

Attendance at conventions and other events for the comradery is popular. It is easy to see hundreds attending a local event. Few members, if any, show up to distribute meeting lists. I feel like the label ‘Unity’ has become a weapon for the oppression of others by self-seekers.  I hear ‘it would be nice if you were part of’ from self-seekers. It is called ‘gaslighting’ and I no longer believe them. I am no longer influenced by popularity.   I’m happy to be delivering meeting lists, attending, facilitating workshops, and speaking in prisons as part of a global fellowship. I love working on websites and talking with professionals about my experiences in Narcotics Anonymous.  I do not feel like a self-seeker but ‘dishonesty and self-deception’ prevent members from wholly recovering so maybe I am. I might be living a lie. Perhaps I see unity differently than others.

Anonymi

‘Anonymi’ was a term coined by an early member.  The book ‘A Matter of Principle’ taught me a lot and was written by ‘Anonymi’. I am content with carrying a message alone. Today I have a connection to a global Fellowship who has struggled with the same issues. I love the idea of an ‘Anonymi Foundation’ named for the writer and supporting members worldwide.

A fascinating, semi autobiographical, deeply spiritual, first hand account of the writing of our Basic Text and the founding of modern NA.  A Matter of Principle accurately depicts the differences between true open participatory service structure and the concepts-driven, closed system at the world level today.

  “A Matter of Principle” by Anonymi, Copywrite 2004, available for free (Ecopy) here.

Self-seekers seem to take service positions for power and prestige.  Some self-seekers are so consumed with themselves that they can only find acceptance within peer groups made of the self-seekers themselves.  This causes tremendous difficulties in carrying the message. A Narcotics Anonymous Groups’ ability to work together is easily derailed by the self-obsession of a single member. Fortunately, things have changed with the growth of Internet based access to historical literature and the wide adoption of Narcotics Anonymous online during the COVID pandemic. I am finding more and more connections with people who attend and support groups listed on https://www.virtual-na.org. For years now I have given up on working within the cliques and toxic culture created by the self-seekers. I love to give back and distribute meeting lists. I am content to work alone even if that makes me a self-seeker.

The Self-seeker

With the changes to the literature, a new classification of member was created by labeling the ‘Self-seeker’. There is no drug more attractive to the newcomer than the success promoted by the self-seeker. ‘Look at me, look at me, I’m clean and free’ can easily become a mantra. The global success of Narcotics Anonymous has not translated to North America.  Domestic growth has been stagnant for over 30 years. I believe that attending one event after another will lose its appeal eventually. I no longer resent the self-seekers but maintain healthy boundaries. Healthy NA fellowships are inclusive so I learned to accept people where they are at.  I try and live by spiritual principles.  I welcome anyone who wants to distribute meeting lists.  I would love some help.

Narcotics Anonymous has given me a life beyond any of my dreams. I move about freely in society and have found the love and support of other members of society. Many people give back and freely donate their time and energy in helping others. These have become my role models. This has become my support group. I love to volunteer. The added benefit is that Narcotics Anonymous is not well known and meetings can be difficult to find for newcomers but I can work to change that.  I continue to attend regularly in person and virtual meetings. I rely on historical literature. I do believe that newcomers will eventually find us or die trying. I carry a message in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous and carry my recovery in society as well.

Attraction and Promotion

I remember when I was young, and I would party a lot. We would laugh about how intoxicated we got and how intoxicated we were going to get next time. Getting ‘messed up’, ‘baked’ or a dozen other euphemisms was what I thought was an attractive lifestyle. I had friends who dropped acid and called it ‘cutting tracks’ because it apparently scarred your brain and we thought that was cool.  I was too scared to try acid but I tried other things. Some people would talk about what a magical experience hard drugs were and try and convince me to try everything. Things changed when I decided to get clean and joined Narcotics Anonymous. I still think about what activities or lifestyles I consider attractive, and some people still promote their ideas about what they think is attractive.  Narcotics Anonymous Tradition Eleven says that ‘Our public relations policy is attraction rather than promotion, we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and film’. There are a couple things to consider when looking at the first part of this Tradition.  My public relations policy might not be the same as Narcotics Anonymous. I might be fine with promoting something that NA would not. I like wearing blue jeans, and I love gardening. You might find that an excellent experience too and seeing me in my jeans, working in the garden might be attractive. I could try and convince you that both are excellent choices by promoting them. Narcotics Anonymous would probably not have an opinion on either blue jeans or gardening but I can’t speak for what Narcotics Anonymous would say about either. As a member, when I do speak for NA, it would be as a servant, and my personal opinions should not influence what message I carry on behalf of NA and that can be difficult sometimes.  

The greater the base, as we grow in unity in numbers and in Fellowship, the broader the sides and the higher the point of freedom. Probably the last to be lost to freedom will be the stigma of being an addict. Goodwill is best exemplified in service and proper service is “Doing the right thing for the right reason.” When this supports and motivates both the individual and the Fellowship, we are fully whole and wholly free.

Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, 2nd Edition, ‘Our Symbol’, page vii

Stacey Ruth, CPC wrote an excellent article about ‘Attraction vs Promotion’. Her article references a common misconception in 12 step programs about Tradition Eleven. I liked this quote from her article and found it really sorted out the difference between attraction and promotion.

Attraction leaves the opportunity for action in the hands of the audience, while promotion leads them into submission.

Stacey Ruth, CPC, Linkedin “The Big Lie About Marketing: Attraction vs. Promotion”

Fellowships, Cliques, and Passersby.

Attraction and promotion covers a wide range on the part of both the audience and the presenters. At one point I thought I was part of one of the many cliques that form in local recovery circles. I believe that cliques are formed to protect members from accountability for their actions.  United we stand and divided we fall. Cliques can ignore the traditions, or manipulate them to suit the needs of the clique. We would all sit together at meetings, and a privileged few would be invited to events. Phone calls from clique members were a sought-after reward for good behavior and formed part of the hierarchy. Being part of a clique can be precarious and the politics are well beyond my grasp to understand. I never function well in cliques even before I got clean and have given up on learning the etiquette of cliques. Cliques are dangerous because they detract from unity by promoting oppression. One danger is that the activities or events can truly be attractive, but promote disunity by oppressing other ideas.

I have found within myself repeatedly, a strong desire to promote my own ideas. I want to talk about who my sponsor is, how many sponsees I have, or my clean time. I will seek like-minded people who can appreciate me and help promote my ideas about what I think is attractive.  I am not the only one. People with clean time congregate with other people who have clean time.  Wildly crazy thoughts seem to make so much sense in the moment and even more sense when you have the support of a clique. Stupid loves company.

I have experienced how complacency is the enemy of members with clean time. It is very easy to develop uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements. I hear addicts sharing about their lavish lifestyles and new connections with other cliques. Looking good and feeling good become a mantra. Members talk about The Grace of God’, and how they are miracles in a meeting, but spend the rest of the day completely self-consumed with activities that enhance their own experiences.  Hubris is a lack of gratitude. In the cliques, we used gaslighting to oppress others. Simply present a viewpoint as truth, and act like the victim is crazy when they question it. People say “I don’t know why you don’t want to be apart of”, assuming what they are doing is particularly attractive. I keep my world small and my Fellowship small today. I’m interested in delivering meeting lists and working on websites for NA. I love Public Information.

I avoid members who promote treatment centres in meetings. Some members are confused about what recovery means in NA by trying to blend the two worlds. Other members are only interested in lifestyle but not work. Even after decades clean, member will continue to act like a passersby, doing the minimal effort to maintain what they see as their status in NA. A small percentage are invested in having a good time at retreats, conventions and holidays with members of the cliques that have appointed themselves the governing body of NA. All these behaviors are very much like using and require promotion.

Help Others, not Self Help

“Meet regularly to help each other” (Basic text, 2nd Edition, ‘What is the Narcotics Anonymous Program’, Pg 7), has become the Program of Narcotics Anonymous for me. I believe the purist form of recovery is only found in a home group. I learned recovery skills by attraction, not promotion. The difficulty today is understanding the other person’s perspective and I can only do that by connecting with home group members in service, working with newcomers and continuing to attend meetings regularly. I love my life today and have found myself “enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.” (Basic text, 2nd Edition, ‘Recovery and Relapse’, Pg 71) I am not the judge of what is attractive to others, but my life is amazing and by enjoying my recovery and being a part of society, I have a greater impact on the future of Narcotics Anonymous.