Defects and Shortcomings.
I lacked a lot of self-awareness when I came to Narcotics Anonymous in 2002. I had a general sense of being less than, and I had behaved in ways that lowered my self-esteem. I felt some sort of deep sense of resentment for what I thought I was owed. Some of the dark moments of my life played over and over in my mind. Despite all this evidence that I was less than, I tried to focus on what I deserved, and that was a long list. My list of entitlements was enormous. Every time I failed to get what I deserved; it was evidence that I was less than others. Life was a series of disappointments and drugs dulled the pain of living. Once I joined the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, things started to change. Feelings were no longer hidden under the cloud of drug use. I grappled with understanding feelings and learned new ways of processing them. What I learned came from other members who were going through similar experiences. A burden shared is a burden halved became my new reality, which encouraged me to connect with others. A joy shared is doubled, which has always struck me as odd but true. This confirmed to me the idea of sharing our experiences, strengths and hopes. By connecting with other members, our burdens are halved, and our joys are doubled. There were other aspects of recovery that I struggled with. Sometimes I found getting myself caught up in the endless arguments about how the program works. One example was the use of the terms, defects and shortcomings from Step Six and Step Seven of the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. This has been a constant source of disunity. I thought we had to agree on all these things to be a fellowship.
The Foundation of My Recovery
Connecting with other members became a foundation for my recovery. There are so many different personalities that connections were challenging. It was suggested to look at the similarities and that helped. Unfortunately, the differences are so glaring obvious and in my face that it was difficult to ignore. I did try and build relationships based on the similarities. I was passionate about helping and being of service. I like to meet for coffee and talk nonsense about nothing. I did not have a sense of who I was so what other people were doing was sometimes interesting and being included was powerful. The longer I remain in the Fellowship the less willing I am to take part in some discussions or activities. That discomfort is a rich source of information about my personality and I inventory my reservations, defects and shortcomings regularly.
Reservations
I was taught that reservations about my recovery are the things I put between myself and my higher power’s will. Reservations are about the choices I make. It was uncomfortable crying in front of people at first. I avoided crying because I was taught that crying was weakness. I did find acceptance and I gladly weep today. My life is deeply satisfying today, and I avoid the endless drama and cliques that form. I have a lot of reservations about the benefits of cliques and toxic relationships, so I tend to isolate myself. This causes me to not be apart and isolation is like a drug. The reservations I want to hold on to today feel a lot like using drugs. I want to continue in this program I need to stop using. I work on not isolating myself.
Defects of Character
My defects of character I live with are about my personality. Patience and understanding allow me to start to see my defects clearly. Today I have a sense of those defects and with the help of my Higher Power, I can put aside those defects and work with others. My anger, shame, control, and other aspects of my personality no longer govern my behaviors but the feelings sometimes persist. I have contempt for other people and maintain healthy boundaries. My contempt is the source of my self-loathing. With the help of a higher power, I can put aside my contempt and work with others. I have begun to lose the desire to use my contempt.
Shortcomings
I was taught that shortcomings are where I come up short and they are the actions of my defects. Recovery for me today is about learning a new way to live. It takes practice to apply the principles in my life and I make mistakes. I wrestle with my reservations still, and I do not always see my defects clearly. The actions I take to express my gratitude for the life I live today are critical to my success. My actions can also cause me to treat others poorly or react to situations that cause more harm than good. The actions of my shortcomings is the source of my amends.
Unity
I take responsibility for my recovery today. I stay in the Fellowship and strive to be a part of. I believe that the wider the base, the higher the point of freedom for myself and others. I seek out other addicts who want to practice principles and carry a message to the suffering addicts. I appreciate that some addicts see reservations, defects and shortcomings differently and that is ok with me. I have no need to try and promote my ideas about the program. I respect other peoples’ right to have an opinion and arrive at their own solutions. In a program of attraction rather than promotion, different opinions contribute to our growth. Adversity is healthy and learning to disagree promotes healthy relationships.
The Four Absolutes
Before Narcotics Anonymous was Alcoholics Anonymous. And before that was the Oxford Group who developed the ideas that became the foundation of the Twelve Step Program. The Oxford Group used ‘The Four Absolutes’ to define the spiritual direction of the Fellowship.
What are the Absolutes?
Purity
This asks the question. Is it right or is it wrong? I think we know….But practising the right decision is not as straightforward. Our fears can play a part in our decision making….even more so with the alcoholic.
Honesty
During our active addiction honesty can become a foreign concept and the ramifications of that dishonesty contributed to our sickness. We were unable to accept the dishonesty and the shame that accompanied it.
Unselfishness
We had become accustomed to putting ourselves (and our addiction) first. The final tenet of the Oxford group was ‘ continued work with others in need’ and this became the 12th step and the backbone of long term sobriety.
Love
This was a foreign concept to many of us in our addiction. Love had always been a trade-off. What do I get out of loving someone? Love is not a decision.
The Absolutes provide a decision-making formula that keeps my spirituality in check.
https://www.caminorecovery.com/blog/the-four-absolutes-a-beginners-guide-to-spirituality/#:~:text=The%20Four%20Absolutes%20can%20be,the%20early%2020th%20century.
The opposite of unity is oppression. When I promote my ideas about how things work or why we do certain things, I become a weapon of disease. Tradition One says our common welfare should come first and personal recovery depends on unity. I believe that disunity is the ultimate weapon of the disease of addiction. Some of our literature refers to the Grace of God as the reason I am clean. Others arrive at their own understanding of the miracle of recovery. Regardless of our path to this day clean, working together is our strength. Nothing is gained from promoting a certain idea or belief. I do find myself at odds with the Fellowship sometimes. I love to print and distribute meeting lists. I have been shunned and isolated for the practices I maintain for my recovery. It has taken a lot of work to get comfortable with the loneliness.
The Basic Text says, “Our spiritual condition is the basis for a successful recovery that offers unlimited growth.” There is nothing about ‘me’ in that statement. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions. I believe that anonymity is about personal sacrifice. I uphold spiritual principles as I understand them today. I am comfortable with adversity and draw strength from my higher power. I accept you as you are, not as I wish you would be.