Addiction often focuses on drug use but using can take on lots of forms. When does using become a problem? There are obvious examples of the disease including addiction to sex, gambling, and food. There are obvious symptoms of those forms of addiction. I believe that sometimes the problems are less obvious and even open to opinion. Can Olympic athletes be addicted to performance? Perhaps they are and some might look back with regrets as they get older. An Olympic athlete might suffer from isolation and loneliness. They can have intense focus that only an addict would understand. They can seek the solstice of other athletes as they lose touch with family and friends. A Using addict attracts addicts who are using. Some of the symptoms of the disease of addiction can be associated with any lifestyle but not everyone will agree with who is an addict. I recently struggled with some feelings I associate with using, at the most unusual of places. It was a Narcotics Anonymous meeting near where I live. The feelings I struggled with were isolation and loneliness.
Early in my recovery, I was madly attending NA meetings at every opportunity. I felt a sense of connection and welcomed the opportunity to be a part of everything that was happening. I attended conventions and took service positions. Almost every relationship I had was in NA. I remember my sponsor saying to me that ‘Narcotics Anonymous isn’t a social club” but I ignored the warning. I understood what he meant; NA is here for the purpose of supporting the addict and attracting newcomers, but I saw an opportunity to feel good. I did not see that I had become addicted to a lifestyle. I thought if I surrounded myself with addicts, I would find some acceptance and maybe some self-worth. Self-obsession is the core of the disease and in the Narcotics Anonymous literature there is a line that describes my problem.
One of the problems is that we found it easier to change our perception of reality.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Five, ‘What Can I do?’
Using drugs alters our perception of reality, and when I stopped things did get better. That does not mean I was cured or that my life was amazing right away. I was faced with an increased awareness of reality. I was also subjected to an increased ability to explore other ways of using. I became more tolerant of others and that was something I needed. I became more accepting of others. I explored my ideas about who I was while doing the Twelve Steps. I also explored ideas about what or who I could be by listening to other addicts. The world seemed to offer endless possibilities.
I heard the term ‘attraction rather than promotion’ in Tradition Eleven. I also heard that ‘personal recovery depends on unity’ in Tradition One. I associated the phrases with the lifestyles of the members. I was eager to explore the possibilities. My view was through a narrow window of a local Fellowship. Every addict is capable of using and some have a desire to stop. Unity is easily found and fluid, changing from day to day. I did not always find healthy relationships. A member might trade cocaine for weights and crack house for a gym. They believe that everything has changed and feel good about their recovery. I could suggest that nothing has changed. It is easier for me to judge than understand the actions of another. My perception is that they are the same self-obsessed addict that they were when they were on drugs. People seem to pick and choose terms from the Twelve Steps and Traditions which become weapons in the defense of their using and in judging others. I have something to say about everything and bring fuel to a fire of disunity. I am learning to keep my mouth shut and distance myself from some members. I have developed healthy relationships as a result. I still wonder if the worst aspect of the disease is manipulation and control but maybe that is just my problem. It has become clear to me that some of the worst examples of active using are in those who serve the Fellowship of NA, as well as promote their ‘clean time’. The literature says that complacency is the enemy. I focus on gratitude that I did not use drugs today. I try and have awareness of my behaviors. Narcotics Anonymous continues to grow and addicts are staying clean and carrying a message to others.
Narcotics Anonymous encourages members to meet regularly to help each other but often members are here to simply help themselves. I believe a daily inventory helps me identify a pattern of using where it affects my life or the lives of people around me. I accept Tradition Three, where I am required to have a desire to stop using. The treatment industry often promotes the Twelve Steps but nothing on the Twelve Traditions. Some members are products of a treatment industry that promotes self-care. ‘Feelings of unity’ have become a commodity. That is not the unity referenced in literature.
To maintain unity within Narcotics Anonymous it is imperative that the group remain stable, or else the entire Fellowship perishes and the individual dies.
And near the end…
Our Traditions are the guidelines that protect us from ourselves. They are our unity.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Six, Tradition One
I have narrowed my focus to joining and participating in a home group. It is all the Fellowship I need. My life is stable and drama free. I have a life of abundance. Rather than acting on using, I try and focus on the spiritual principles.
By staying clean we begin to practice spiritual principles such as hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and caring.
Narcotics Anonymous Basic Text, Second Edition, Chapter Four, Step Twelve