Adapting to Change
I was committed to trying out the Narcotics Anonymous program and attending meetings after I hit bottom. Treatment was not an option I could afford. Talking with other addicts become comfortable the more I attended. What we talked about was starting to make sense and I did feel a sense of camaraderie with some members. I could talk about some of the challenges I was faced with in a safe place. I found many members could relate to what I was experiencing. Some would share their experiences and I learned from them. I found strength to continue and hope for a new way of living. Narcotics Anonymous was a safe place but I still had to deal with life outside of the meetings. I worked full-time, I was married and I had children. There was a lot of interaction with people outside the program. Many of my immediate circle cared about me and I tried to be honest about what I was doing. I talked with my doctor, but little help was available other than medication and psychiatrists.
Outside of the meetings I was dealing with the consequences of my addiction and trying to maintain a life worth living. Some of my behaviors were becoming uncomfortable. For the first time I started to see how I loved to swim in a sea of resentments. Everyone and every single situation I had experienced in my life was tainted with resentment. At a meeting, someone shared that resentments were like ‘drinking a cup of poison and expecting the other person to die’. This caused me weeks of struggle as I had to examine every aspect of my life and my thinking. I had an enormous sense of entitlement.
There were a lot of new ideas and new ways of living to explore. I was grateful to have other addicts to talk to. I found I was drawn to people who were similar in nature. There was a certain comfort in being part of a clique. The most uncomfortable conversations were with someone outside the Fellowship. Narcotics Anonymous became a big part of my life and I was anxious about people outside the Fellowship.
Honest Conversations
Early recovery involved commitments with a therapist, an addiction counsellor, friends, and family to talk openly about where I was at and what was going on. Being honest was difficult when you do not know the truth, and if you have lived a life of lies and misconceptions. I found myself lying for no other reason than it was more comfortable than telling the truth. I found my favorite conversations are often with professionals, like doctors and therapists. Some seem to have found a good balance between genuine concerns and vague indifferences to my problems. I tried to be honest about life in NA and shared about the many benefits. I started to enjoy talking with professionals in healthcare, and people interested in recovery. My support group in NA grew as well.
Carrying the Message
I worked the steps, and I found a place in my heart where I could talk comfortably with a higher power. Having a conversation with the God of my understanding allowed me to see how self-obsessed I was. My early conversations were about my needs, my frustrations, and my desires. As I continued to work the steps I found I was part of a larger community and everything was not about me. My life had become stable and I recognized daily that my needs were being met. I tried to get involved in the Fellowship and carrying the message to other addicts. It was challenging and exciting to work with other addicts. The work in applying principles started to benefit all aspects of my life. I found myself wanting to have better relationships with anyone I encountered. My conversations with my higher power changed and I sensed a growing desire to put aside self-obsessive thinking.
The Opposite of Using is Gratitude
A big moment happened about 7 years ago. I found a new doctor who was trained in the United Kingdom. My doctor loves Narcotics Anonymous and had very positive things to say about the fellowship. In the UK, Narcotics Anonymous does presentations to universities where doctors are trained. Whenever possible, I try and get him meeting lists to give to his patients. The conversations I had with people outside the fellowship were changing as well. The Narcotics Anonymous literature says about some of our members;
Yet there are others, completely abstinent, whose dishonesties and self-deceits still prevent them from enjoying complete recovery and acceptance within society.
My experiences reflected this. It can be very difficult to work with some Narcotics Anonymous service bodies. Strong personalities often overshadow principles. The Narcotics Anonymous literature warns members about this. Despite the warning, local service often ignore how they can be a detriment to my recovery. I have found a benefit to including other parts of society within my recovery. I am no longer surprised to see how many members continue to use. Over the years I have come to see how I have ‘used’ the NA fellowship and the relationships I formed were often fake. Using addicts attract addicts who are using. The ongoing struggles to fill service positions has as much to do with the attitudes of those involved as those who seek to be of service. Stepping away and forming healthy boundaries have helped me immensely.
Complete recovery and acceptance within society
The quality of my relationships has dramatically improved with honest conversations. Honest conversations are the best weapon against self-deception. I love the idea of complete recovery and acceptance within society. Today, complete recovery means I am free to express my gratitude. I believe that the opposite of using is gratitude. Gratitude is truly an action word as I seek to give back rather than use. Gratitude allows me to see the abundance I have and freely give back to society. Complete recovery means I am no longer using but have become useful. I am no longer isolated and have found acceptance within society. When I am talking with new members of Narcotics Anonymous I ask questions like; ‘Does your doctor know?’ or ‘Does your doctor have meeting lists?’ You might be the only contact someone has with Narcotics Anonymous today so choose your words and actions wisely. The literature says ‘We can only keep what we have by giving it away’. Giving back has been the foundation of my recovery.